OS: Not Like This

An OS after ages! I am very unsure about the purpose of this. It is not meant to go somewhere. I am most definitely not going to continue. It is almost like the words I typed had a life of their own.

But as always, I would like to hear what you thought of it. Good, bad or ugly, feedback is always welcome. So, please don't hold back.

OS: Not Like This

Arnav paced in the room and shoved his fingers through his hair in frustration. He picked up the calendar and stared at it.

14 Aug, 2012

He muttered a curse, the suppressed anger and disbelief echoing in the room with a finality that he didn't not want to acknowledge.

How had he forgotten? Why did he, for the first time in his life, need to reminded about dates, day and events. Six months back, he couldn't wait for this day to be upon them. And now that it was, he felt nothing except sheer panic.

She had left. The lie about Buaji's health was exactly that 'a lie ' to cover up the real reason behind her farewell.

He remembered the tears in her eyes as she had hugged Nani before leaving.

"I'll miss you all." Her words hung in the air and just like that the breeze swept through this perfectly air conditioned room, making the wind chime tinkle.

He stared at it and felt the air leave his lungs.

"Jiji, did you see? Di, spoke to me. Jiji..." He swallowed painfully as he remembered the sheer relief in her eyes as his sister had enquired after Buaji's help. He hadn't missed the need in Khushi's eyes to feel Di's arms around hers - in forgiveness.

He swore again. This time louder than before, this time without regret.

She was not the one who needed to be forgiven. She had never been. Her only error in judgement would be her keeping Shyam's truth a secret. And truth be told, he couldn't hold her responsible for that. How could he when he himself had been unable to reveal the sick bas***d's truth to anyone, let along Di. Even now, weeks after Shyam had been thrown out, he hadn't gathered the courage to talk to his sister about the details of the sordid affair that was Shyam Manohar Jha.

He swore again, this time aware that he was running out of expletives. His life was a mess. His sister's life was worse. And thanks to him, his Khushi's life was a mess more than everyone else's.

He picked up the jacket of his coat forcefully and walked towards the exit of his room. He would do anything to bring her back. Anything. She couldn't deny that she felt something for him. He had seen it with his own eyes. He had seen the blush on her cheeks when he had kissed her. He had felt the power of her love in her embrace. He had seen the fear for his safety in those hazel eyes. He had seen the love and he was not about to lose it.

He had been a fool for far too long. Not anymore.

He would do anything to bring her back.

Before he could step out, the door to his room opened with a bang, sending the wind chime into a clamor. Before he knew it, NK hurtled through the door.

"Nannav, what's wrong?"

Arnav straightened his face. "Why would anything be wrong? And have you forgotten how to knock?" He hoped that the years of practice helped him any emotion he felt away from his face.

"It's Khushiji, isn't it?"

Arnav turned away from him, not wanting NK to see the desperation in his eyes.

"I don't understand the two of you, Nannav. I didn't before and I can't now. I see the way you look at each other. I saw her spend sleepless nights when you were kidnapped. I saw the sheer torture she went through pretending to hate you, just so she could get Shyam to spill the beans on his plan. I saw you wince when Shyam said all those hateful things about her. I saw your fists clench till you could take no more of her pain. Why this then? What happened, Nannav?"

"Get out" Arnav bit back the angry words that would have followed. He felt his resolve crumble. He had spent his life without friends, without mentors. He had been the protector, the care-taker, the guardian to everyone. He couldn't help but wish he could break down just once, reach out to someone else for support, just once.

But he couldn't. He was Arnav Singh Raizada. He was always alone, always the only one to carry the burden.

"NK..." He began firmly, but he felt NK's hand on his shoulder.

"Arnav, for once, let me in. It's OK. The world won't crumble because Arnav Singh Raizada needs a friend."

Arnav's shoulders slumped and he felt the fight leave him.

"She's gone." He whispered, not caring that this was the first time he had reached out to anyone in his adult life. Even with his sister, he had never talked about needing help. Whether it was Khushi's horror of losing Khushi or the fact that he was tired of everything that had happened in the last six months, Arnav would never know, but he couldn't stop the words that flowed thereafter.

He had to NK credit, though. The man who had screeched his way through Arnav's description of his love story, stood absolutely silent through's Arnav description of the heartless events of that fateful night.

At the end of his recollection, Arnav stopped and waited for recrimination, the disgust, the incredibility.

Very few people retained the ability to surprise Arnav Singh Raizada. So it came as no surprise when NK's words, took his breath away.

"It's not over till it's over, Nannav."

Arnav stared at the man in front of him. He had never realized that behind the goofy exterior, there was a good heart and a soul of solidity. No wonder Khushi liked him so much. But then, Khushi liked everyone. Everyone except him.

Enough. This wasn't him, this bout of self-pity.

"NK, I need a favor..." He began.

"Anything for her, Nannav." NK whispered, hiding a flash of something Arnav failed to notice behind a lopsided smile.

-------------

"What is this, Nanheji?" Khushi stared at the note in her hand and then looked up at NK.

NK remained quiet and Khushi felt her temper bolt out of control.

"It isn't going to work, Nanheji. Take this back and tell him that I am not a fool. Not anymore." She thrust the note into NK's hands and turned away, blinking back angry tears. He was playing games with her. Because that was all he knew. Games. Everything was a game, everything a challenge. But he had forgotten that she was the perpetrator of such crimes, the master of pranks that were meant to reveal the secrets of the heart. It wasn't going to work on her. And she was angry because she was sure he knew it too.

"Please leave, Nanheji. You know nothing about this'this situation. I'm sorry. I don't want to be rude but..."

"I may not know anything, Khushiji. But are you sure you know him enough to take a chance and ignore this." Khushi stared at the paper that NK was waving in front of her.

Was she sure? Could she be sure, ever? This was no laughing matter.

"I am sure, Nanheji. Please leave." She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. She turned around and forced herself to smile. "I'll be fine, Nanheji." If I could deal with the last six months, I can deal with the rest of my life.

"I know you will be fine, Khushiji. But will he? And if he isn't will Di?"

Khushi looked at NK's face. She had never seen him like this. Serious, no hint of the clown that he pretended to be, in sight. She felt the chill grip her heart.

No! She was being stupid. There was no way her husband was going to do what he had threatened to. That was just not him.

"Fine, Khushiji. This is your decision. I cannot force your hand. I hope you are right." With that NK turned around and walked away, leaving Khushi stunned in his wake.

She felt a combination of fear and anger grip her heart. Arnav Singh Raizada was determined to make her life living hell. In his hate and in what he thought and she had foolishly believed was his love.

-----------

"What the hell do you think you are playing at Arnavji? Is this some sort of little game to see how much I will take before I burn out?"

Khushi directed the wrath she felt seep into every pore into the thrust with which she pushed him.

"Khushi..." She saw him begin. She didn't fail to notice that he was dangerously at the edge of the cliff.

"What kind of a sick joke is this?" She yelled, tears burning her unblemished cheeks.

"Was it less sick when you did this to Payal? Was this less sick when you made me believe this is what Lavanya was doing?"

Khushi recoiled as if she had been struck.

"That was different. Jiji was in love. So was Lavanyaji."

"And you are not?" Arnav inquired, stepping closer so that she could smell his cologne.

"No." She looked up into his eyes, never blinking. She had to do this because this was the only solution. She couldn't live that lie anymore.

"Are you sure, Khushi?" He moved closer, cupping her face, his mouth now inches away from her own.

She tugged at his hands, trying to pry them away. She didn't succeed. "I'm sure, Arnavji. I don't love you." There she had said it. And she had meant it. She didn't love him.

The caramel eyes went out like a lamp in the storm. But before she could feel the pain pierce her own heart, his mouth came down on hers.

There was nothing gentle about his kiss. Nothing loving about the way his lips plundered hers, forcing them apart. There was nothing soft about the way his tongue met hers and danced together. There was nothing gentle about the way her heartbeats drummed in her temples or the way the air swooshed in and out of her lungs. She closed her eyes and steeled herself. She couldn't response even though every cell in her body screamed for her to give in.

She pushed at his chest.

"No! This is not the answer, Arnavji. This is not the answer." She shook from anger as much as she did from the anguish in his eyes. But she couldn't stop. She knew now that there was too much destruction in their relationship, too much violence. "Is this all you want from me, this physical attraction that simmers between us? Is that all your love is about?"

She didn't care that she was screaming. The evening sun was setting, casting an eerie almost melancholic orange glow around them.

"This is not how you can resolve things between us, Arnavji. Not like this."

Her words hung in the air between them. She stared at him, not blinking as she saw the eyes remain shuttered and face as impassive as it had been the first time she had fallen into his arms in Lucknow.

"This is all I know"

Khushi stared at him as the words made their way into her ears and to her heart.

"I cannot promise to change. Because I don't know how to" She looked away, afraid that she would hear too much to worsen her hate; terrorized that she would hear enough to forget about her decision to stay away.

"I'm not going to jump of this cliff, Khushi. Because I died when I realized you were gone forever."

Khushi wanted to run away from him. She couldn't stand to hear the pain in his voice. She wanted him to leave her alone.

She turned around to look at him. He stood there, mute and unmoving.

"That's it?" She whispered.

He remained silent. No apology, no declaration of undying love, nothing.

She shook her head sadly and smiled. "Goodbye, Arnavji."

She saw him swallow and for a second she felt her resolve weaken.

Author's Note: No, I didn't leave there because I intend to torture :) I guess I wanted to highlight the impossibility of this situation.