SS: Dear Diary... Part 14 Upd 11/30 Pg 66 - Page 5

He was prepared for the assault, if she did have one on her mind. He waited for her to respond, while she took small steps and walked behind the carved headboard, as if she was buying time to work up the anger, her face didn't show.

When he concluded she had nothing to say and moved towards his closet, he heard her mutter sullenly as though she didn't care if the words didn't make it to his ears "It didn't mean anything"

Had she known him any better, she would have known he didn't count actions without motives. Being an attorney for that long had taught him enough about irrationality; to be aware of the preposterousness people were capable of being led into when their helplessness attained their respective peaks. Initially he'd wanted to believe that the kiss was a baseless act, coming from a self-serving younger sister in desperation to unite her sibling with her chosen destiny, that was Gurvinder. Quite obviously he hadn't known that her sister's affections lay elsewhere until much later. But the shock that had slowly unraveled itself on her face, after kissing him, had not vanished just as quickly as it had come. It had lingered with a thousand questions there; fixed with a certainty that had had little to do with the surprise that she'd acted on her thought with such boldness.

All through that night he'd fought to erase the face he'd silently watched being drawn away from the chair where he'd sat for dinner. Remorse didn't conceal what he'd first caught a glimpse of and it had stayed there until the closing doors had finally played its part to tear their fixated gaze on each other, but not before he'd caught her raise a finger to her lips, echoing the same question that was ringing in his ears then. It was in the waking hours of the dawn, in their terrace that he'd resolved to follow through on his search; to find out more on what lay hidden beneath that kiss and his efforts had paid of, much to his own surprise.

He knew it was pointless to argue when she was up to her ears in denial. Sidling past her he hunkered down to the suitcase that was yet to be unpacked from their trip yesterday. He fetched something and strode back to where she was standing and her eyes caught on fire, when she regarded the familiar tattered leather bound diary in his hand. It was shocking, albeit reassuring that she had taken offense only to reading her personal thoughts, while their demeaning wedding had not summoned a reaction close enough to the one that embroiled her now.

"If it didn't mean anything...then explain what ever you wrote on 23^rd of this month" He shoved the diary into her hands and opened the closet to grab fresh towels. He paused before he shut the closet doors back, as if he intuitively felt the words making its way through her closing throat. Finally when she did speak, he was already at the bathroom door, about to seal the punctured silence between them once again.

"I didn't expect this from you...to invade my privacy" She said, refraining from opening the diary to the date he'd referred to. He smiled in response, amazed that she was still capable of stunning him with her words.

"Well, too bad Geet, you invaded mine the day you decided to act on that thought that had troubled you since the time, you caught me bathing in your fields"

The diary slipped from her hands as her fingers lost its strength as she realized, he'd read it all; her entire being consumed into the fight against breaking down from embarrassment. If he hadn't earned her wrath until then, he was the sole owner after that moment, by making her face her worst demons. It had been bearable standing in his presence with the impression that she'd kissed him in the name of her sister. However, he was asking her to take responsibility for something she'd not had the courage to face while it threatened to seep into the words she regularly poured into her dear miss diary. Go to Hell! Or rather she wanted to give him hell, for sabotaging the illusion of reality she was living with, and she was determined to do just that.

"You can't think people mean every sentence they put in their diary, especially when it's only a jobless girl, stuck in the boredom of the country side"

He'd expected her to fold under such pressure and he'd even wanted to leave her alone to come up with some answers, before he furthered with his interrogation. But to his disbelief, she wasn't the typical village girl, as he'd expected. Appearing rather amused she was still up for a discussion, he crossed his arms and sat down on the chair near his desk.

"And it doesn't occur to you that its exactly the kind of people, who would give much thought before they would word their feelings they go through each passing day?"

She closed her eyes and turning in profile to shield the countless expressions that was showing on her face, she bent down to pick the diary from the floor.

"What would you know about diaries? It's the very thing people dread...no one wants to face skeletons from their closets...let alone give them shape and meaning through their words" She sat back on the bed, with her back facing him.

"It's a moot point Geet...Let's talk about you in particular...because we both know you don't fit that mold...I don't expect you to evade the subject matter, when you have such clarity than most people I have met in my lifetime" He hadn't realized what he'd said until afterwards and that had him smiling inwardly when it dawned on him, that he'd attached himself deeply to her journal entries.

Well, that should've felt good, but it didn't and she didn't dignify him with an answer either. They sat there in yet another interval of palpable silence. When he didn't show any inclination to march back into the bathroom, she rose from the bed and approached him.

"I'm as normal and mundane as village girls come" She gave him back the diary "I think you are reading too much into it, perhaps you must re-assess your decisions"

She was insistent in having him read it again and it lay stretched in front of him to convey the same; he didn't know if the diary wobbled from her nervousness or uncertainty, but he went ahead to relieve her of the weight and placed it on his desk "And you should also know I don't commit every secret of mine to the diary...For all you know I might have had another life"

Once, she thought she didn't have anything more to add, she turned around to head out of the room for some fresh air. And then it came to her that she hadn't given him a piece of her mind about the course of events that had followed yesterday.

"If you need verbal acknowledgement of the fact that I'm mad at you about abandoning my sister at the mandap and marrying me, then you should know that I will never forgive you for that..." She said pausing mid way "You could have stopped the marriage earlier, had you wanted"

He sat there twisting the paperweight on the glass table, staring at it a minute longer, before he looked back at her, the sound of the tumbling weight punctuating the words that left his mouth "It's not fair Geet when at some point, you wanted the same for your sister..." His words pierced her like needle pins, making its way under her skin.

"To me this is an arranged marriage...it didn't make a lot of difference if it was you or your sister sitting there next to me. But...trust me when I say, I'm considerate enough to know it was a world of difference to you sisters...I honestly believed that the diary entry didn't mean anything...even accepted that Channi was fighting her infatuation towards another man, hoping it will fade away with time when she and your parents begged me to go ahead with the wedding...but when I weighed in the fact that your smile faded watching the pandit hand me the mangalsutra, against my reasoning..." He stopped the pivoting weight on the table and she swiveled around to give away the horror she felt at what he was suggesting then.

His voice softened, "That instant, I realized there was hope for something more than just a convenient relationship I would be settling in for with your sister..." He'd never put himself in the open like he'd done that moment and he hated for doing so, when he watched her grow stiff with the same shock he'd seen the previous night, when he'd tied the mangalsutra around her neck. She simply refused to give into that sob that was congesting her chest with waves of tumult.

"For an attorney...I assumed you act on your better judgment, not gamble away our lives based on a flicker of something you saw cross my face" She wanted it to come across as a insult, but it rather made its way to him as her disappointment.

"Bingo...but I'm not foolish to make life decisions based on that" He said, getting up from his chair and came to stand opposite her "I acted based on what every good attorney goes by...evidence combined with intuition to sniff out the possible motive behind the act" He took her hand and thrust the diary into her hold "I suggest you review the evidence you are submitting as your rebuttal...especially the entries around your birthday"

He left her standing there, with the diary turned to the entry on 23^rd. Her gaze fell to the tiny words she'd scribbled in a frenzy...thoughtless she would be forced to confront the consequences another day. She dared to read the first few sentences, but when it made her cringe in pain, she threw the diary away and ran out of the room as well...leaving the abandoned pages stare up at the pale solid roof, that silently promised to contain their misgivings.

He sat in his desk, running his finger over the markings of the fluorescent highlighter he'd used on certain pages of her photocopied diary. She didn't know he had a copy and he never planned to let her in on the secret relationship he shared with her words, hoping to discover a new understanding of her in a way he'd not gained from the few hundred times he'd read them. He didn't look so much for maturity there, as he did to learn some new detail about her. But they were stubborn just like her, playing hide and seek with her intent, while the words remained fairly legible in plain sight.

Jan 12

Why did Channi sneak out today? Is it possible she is away in the fields with that rascal? I hope not.

Feb 13

Happy Birthday to me. Hurrah! I'm 20 and I have a feeling I will have my first kiss this year. Channi told me a lot of things about how it felt, all about the tingles and the yearning to do more...but I like to believe that a kiss is a promise of intimacy, of love...a silent witness of the present and a future that I might have with that person. And to think of it like that, makes it so much more special, and that much more fearful too...I rather not share a kiss with anyone at all, than give it away to someone who didn't have my sentiments about it.

Mar 16

Whatever! Whatever! Whatever! Is all I have to say to Daarji...I really do want to wear that jean.

Apr 2

I have decided I'm not going to write to the town pachayat anymore asking for funds to repair the tap by Mansukh's house. Sighs! I'm dipping into my Jean fund. It will just have to wait for another 2 months.

May 23

Oh! Babaji...how I wish they allowed confessions at Gurdwara? At this rate, my heart will burst with the secrets. I hate Channi...I hate having gone by the fields in the afternoon...I hate my eyes for not closing down at the right time. Well, at least I'm happy for her that she has found the love of her life.

Jun 17

I saw Gurvinder's cousin, Dev today; indeed the talk of the town. He doesn't look too bad either. Rajjo tells me that he stared at me the entire time we were sitting at the gurdwara. For now I feel like Switzerland, but my sixth sense foresees rishta coming my way from his end. Hai mein marjawan...

Aug 23

News of Channi's rishta to some big town attorney. Photo arrived safe and sound. He is HOT, but who knows what lies underneath all that charming good looks. Phir bhi Mogambo kush hua.

Sep 30

No calls from Mr Attorney sadoo. Perhaps not interested. Good for Channi...she doesn't have to stage a coup at home.

Oct 15

Huh! How did that happen? Channi cannot marry Maan. I have to think of something. Hai Babaji...help me, the wedding is less than 10 days away.

Oct 23

I watched him today by the fields, showering under the field pump...

He couldn't read what she'd written for the rest of her last entry on the 23^rd, for they were stricken beyond recognition; reflecting an anger or helplessness, he didn't know. A few words popped out from the vertical hash of lines across the words, but it never helped him grasp what she'd truly wanted to convey.

His head fell back, sighing aloud and giving up for the day. None of the playfulness evident in her diary remained now and he feared he'd done it to her; wholly feeling responsible for the emptiness he sighted on her face the few times he saw her. A month had passed since their only confrontation and taking Daadima's absence to her advantage, she'd moved to one of the empty bedrooms in the back of the mansion. Given that he spent most of his time at home either in his office or meeting clients in the front room by the foyer, he had fewer instances than the workers at home to cross paths with her.

At first he'd held back from checking on her, in hopes of removing the awkwardness that had come with each other's presence. But it had gone on too long that it had turned out to be their new normal. She rarely made it to the dinner table and occasions when she did, she always sat on the far side of the table, obscuring herself from his view and leaving before he could finish his dinner. He could count the number of words they'd exchanged over the course of the weeks, the average being high on days when there were guests at home, demanding to see the country girl, who had finally made him go week in the knees.

It was a good thing he'd not hoped to make something of their relationship this early; the void space between them, that grew wider with each day, didn't threaten him in the least. Even as there had been no signs of anything remotely positive in the space they shared, he couldn't give up hope of finding the woman who'd felt compelled to kiss him, despite the inconvenience of doing so with twenty other people around, let alone the cultural and moral restrictions she'd grown up with. She could have resorted to hundred other schemes to prevent the wedding from happening, and yet she'd chosen to attempt an act, that conveyed more of her personal dilemma at the moment, than any other agendas she openly claimed. Perhaps everyone else could believe her, but he didn't; not when she'd lingered a second longer than intended. It was funny in some ways that he'd shared a kiss with her, but knew nothing of her, except for the little of what the diary revealed to him. And that was infinitesimal to all that she was truly harboring in reality. He finally reckoned he'd fallen in love with the puzzle that she was, the chase far intriguing than the destination itself.

Currently their relationship was far from fulfilling, but he could hardly complain when it didn't demand much of him anyways. Though he felt he was cornering her without her knowledge by letting time pass as it did, to face her life with him, he was certain she wouldn't run away from it all forever when she had nowhere to go. Her family had cut off all connections with her ever since their wedding, blaming her for betraying their trust, for stealing Channi's groom, when it had been his choice to wed her.

If attraction is what had fueled her actions initially, she gave away no indications of that now. Thankfully, he didn't feel the sexual energy thrumming around him either, when she was missing from his line of sight for days at times. His needs were far from relating to anything physical. It was hard to believe he'd begun waking up every morning, wishing today was the day she would ultimately cross the threshold of silence that overflowed around them.

She loved the space he gave her and for that she liked him. But he didn't have to know that or the fact that she was watching him right that instant from the window in the far corner, standing by the garden pathway, reading his anxiety over something, in the way his legs were crossed at his ankles and shook every time his nervousness peaked. She giggled and instantly slapped the palm over her mouth to muffle the sound from escaping too far from her lips.

Nakul was her new best friend at home, giving her endless information about him, which she thought she could never grow tired of. She realized it didn't do them any good, when all that learning must have come from engaging with him and not from the impromptu sessions she had with Nakul. Sometimes she felt guilty that she wasn't interacting with him, as much as she liked. She figured she was buying time, but she wasn't sure why she was stalling the inevitable, when she wanted it herself badly.

Oddly, his knowledge of the pull she'd had towards him prior to their marriage, stopped bothering her. It must have been from all the pressure she didn't get to do the things that she hadn't done since their last confrontation. For starters, she never touched her diary, nor was she forced to face him anywhere, not even to play a partner in bed, though it was she who had kissed him first.

Resigning herself to the complex emotions she fought internally, she walked back slowly into the house. How could she tell him, she would never forgive herself for being foolish and taking her sister's fate into her own hands. The last she'd heard from her town was a week ago and that her sister's wedding with another groom had not materialized yet again. She guessed Channi wouldn't have brought up Gurvinder's name to her family in those circumstances given that he didn't have a job anymore to earn her family's respect. Had she not committed the blasphemous act of kissing him then perhaps her sister could be enjoying the pleasures of a rich marital life at the mansion...more importantly with him. Instead it was she in her sister's place, conflicted with an attraction to a man she'd no right over.

She knew it was stupid to assume that there would be no tipping point in their relationship that wouldn't force things one way or the other. She dreaded every frightful day, that it was going to arrive any passing moment. And when they didn't, she secretly thanked her stars at night, once she was safely tucked away in bed, disturbingly satisfied that nothing had come to shatter the status quo their inactions worked so hard to maintain.