F*L: The Greek Mythology Edition
Grr...IF for censoring out everything..
thats F M L incase you were curious or couldnt figure out...and I had to post this here😆!
<Some of them are really really good...especially the second one on Paris>
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Oedipus: After leaving home to specifically avoid killing my father and marrying my mother, I discovered today that I was really adopted, and I killed my father and married my mother anyway. And we have grown children. F*L.
Odysseus: First I was roped into chasing stupid Menelaus's s**t wife for a good ten years, and then I got lost at sea for another ten years because Poseidon just can't let it go. I just want to go home. F*L.
Odysseus' crew: F*L. F*L. F*L. F*L. F*L. F*L. F*L. F*L. F*L. F*L. F*L.
Medea: Jason decided he wanted to marry a younger, richer woman, so I was forced to kill her and our two sons in a horrible, horrible way. Men. F*L.
Hades: I am sad and no one loves me, including my hostage child bride. F*L.
Persephone: I was kidnapped by my uncle and dragged to the underworld to be his bride, and now my mother won't let the crops grow. F*L.
Zeus: I am married to the one woman in this entire mythos who thinks monogamy is a good idea. F*L.
Hera: I'm the Queen of the Gods, but my husband has sex with everyone BUT ME, and all of his other children are more accomplished, beloved, and worthwhile than mine. F*L.
Hephaestus: My mother tossed me off Olympus because I was ugly. Now I am crippled. I am the one ugly, crippled person in this entire pantheon. And also, my wife is a nymphomaniac. With other men. F*L.
Orpheus: My wife died on the day of our wedding. And then I went back down to the underworld to get her back, and we got all the way to the very edge of the real world when I turned around and she disappeared forever. F*L.
Laocoon: Snakes! Friggin snakes on a plain. F*L.
Actaeon: Ok, that's the LAST time I creep in Artemis's bushes. F*L.
Ganymede: The King of the Gods just kidnapped me to make me his boy-toy. F*L.
Dido: Aeneas only liked me because the gods wanted to sidetrack him? F*L
Paris: One apple, 3 goddesses. F*L
Cassandra: I can predict the future, but no one will ever believe me. So when I predicted my own death, no one helped me. F*L
Dryope: I was out picking flowers to offer to the nymphs. Little did I know that one of the trees used to be a person. As I tried to run away, I turned into a tree myself. F*L.
Aeneas: I ran into my dead wife in the underworld today. I tried to embrace her thrice and failed epically each time. F*L.
Sibyl: I used to date this guy named Apollo, Things were going alright-- he even promised to give me what I wanted most. I took a handful of dust, and told him I wanted to live as many years as there were grains of dirt in the pile. I forgot to ask to stay young. F*L.
Cinyras: I've been sleeping with this girl for a few nights. Today, I saw her in the light: she's my young daughter, Myrrha. F*L.
Random Greek Person: My life is ruled by the whims of this collection of freaks. F*L.
Polyphemus: I live in a cave with sheep, have a totally useless eye in the middle of my forehead, and eat Greeks raw for breakfast. Oh, and my neighbors all think I'm insane. Yeah, I'm a chick magnet, all right. F*L.
Tantalus: Ha. Ha. Very funny, guys. Good joke. Ha friggin ha. Ok, you can stop anytime now. Guys, I'm not playin. Guys? Uh, guys? *sigh* F*L.
Antigone: My uncle never lets me go out and get really crazy. I guess it's because my brother got really drunk one night, married my mom and became my dad. Yeah, I know, that's so messed up. So anyway, I sneak out one night just to, you know, have a few laughs, pile some dirt on my brother (not my dad-brother, a different one)--just some harmless stuff, when my uncle goes apeshit and locks me in a cave. F*L.
Aeneas: All I ever wanted was a nice home in Troy, a family, and some good times with my buddy Hector. But no, my stupid relative Paris had to steal some chick from Greece and Hector gave me these statues to carry to some other place. Oh, and Hera still hates me. F*L.
Achilles: I'm the best warrior the world has ever seen, but I get shot in the effing heel and I die. Dying from getting shot in the foot, are you serious? F*L.
Daedalus: My son and I were imprisoned in a labyrinth by King Minos. I spent a long time making wings out of wax and feathers so we could fly away and escape. I finally succeed and my dumbass son flies too close to the sun (even though I specifically warned him not to), his wings melt, and he falls into the ocean and dies. F*L.
Icarus: My father specifically warned me not to fly to close to the goddamn sun. Guess who decided to be a smartass? F*L.
Ariadne: I fell in love with a guy and helped him kill my half brother, then he left me for my sister. Since my brother is also half bull, it's a double whammy - F*L, F*L.
Pentheus: I didnt think Dionysus was a real god, so he made a bunch of women including my mom go crazy and tear me limb from limb, and carry my head around like a trophy. F*L.
Atlas: The weight of the world is literally on my shoulders. LITERALLY. F*L.
Atlas: I married the daughter of the ocean. Then a war broke out between the Titans and the Olympians. I sided with the Titans, was betrayed by my two brothers. Then Zeus condemned me to stand on the western edge of the earth and hold up the sky. F*L.
Prometheus: All I did was play a little trick on Zeus and steal his fire so mortals could live a little easier and I get chained to this rock so an eagle can eat out my liver each day. F*L.
Dido: So I had sex with this guy Aeneas in a cave, and I seriously thought we were married... Now he's leaving me and I feel like the logical thing to do at this point is kill myself. F*L.
Aeneas: So I hooked up with this really hot chick this weekend for some alfresco sex. It was all good and everything but then when I creeped off in the morning she goes apeshit on my ass and kills herself. Guess I need a new booty call. F*L.
Atlas: Yeah, so Heracles promised to hold the world for me, and then asked me to hold it for a while so he could get a pillow. Then he left and never came back. F*L.
Ajax: Odysseus and I fought for Achilles' armor after he died. Odysseus got it, so I think the most sensible thing to do is kill myself. F*L.
Sisyphus: So, when it comes time for me to die, I lock the lord of the Underworld in my closet. It's hilarious until I end up in the Underworld myself, and he gives me a pet rock. And tells me to take it for a walk. Up a mountain. And down a mountain. And up a mountain. And down again. And u---F*L.
Pandora: I got a gift from the gods! I'm not allowed to open it. F*L.
Pandora (one bout of curiosity later): I opened it. Humans are evil now. F*L.
Helios: Today, Kratos ripped off my head and is now using it to light up rooms. F*L.
Scylla : Today, I betrayed my whole family and country by ripping the ginger hair which our country's safety relied on out of his head to give to Minos so that we could FINALLY get it on. Turns out he doesn't like me... and he kept the hair. F*L
Medusa: Today, I got my head cut off. F*L.
Daphne: Today, I turned into a tree. F*L.
Hephaestus: Today, my father threw me off of Mount Olympus. I am now maimed for life. Then, to make it worse, my wife Aphrodite left me for Ares, my brother. F*L.
Baucis and Philemon : Today, the gods came down in disguise as paupers. We were really hospitable and catered to their every whim. What did we get in return? To spend eternity together... as trees. F*L.
Argus the Dog: I spend twenty years as a guard dog waiting for my master to get home, and as soon as I see him I fall down dead. F*L.
Medusa : Bad hair day, washed it cant do a thing with it. F*L.
Agamemnon: I got killed by my wife today, after returning from a ten year war caused by her wh**e of a sister. F*L.
Priapus: I have a disgusting, freakishly huge penis. And it's ALWAYS ERECT. It's so awkward sometimes. and I'm GODDAMNED IMPOTENT. F*L.
Glauce: Today i was supposed to get married, but then my fiance's bitch of an ex-wife melted my skin with a poisoned dress. F*L.
Mermeros and Pheres: Our dead corpses have been hijacked by some crazy bitch and her dragon pulled chariot. F*L.
Abderus: I got eaten by a horse. F*L.
Turnus: Thats the last time I steal someone elses belt I killed in war. F*L.
Uranus: My name is Uranus. F*L.
Cronus: Gaia is my mum, who is also my grandmother. She screwed her son Uranus, and had me, which makes him my Father and Half-Brother. I killed my dad, married my sister and had 12 children. Then my son marries my Daughter and kills me. This is going to be so awkward in Tartarus. F*L.
Catullus: I wrote all these peoms about this rich older woman I had a lot of sex with under a different name. Then the scholars decoded my false name from my clever little tricks or meter and word play. Now everyone knows. F*L.
Jason: My wife found out that I was taking a second wife ... so she retaliated by killing all of our children. F*L.
Ares: Today, as I was having some fun with Aphrodite, we got caught in a trap set by her husband Hephaestus - who invited everyone round to laugh at us stuck "in the act". F*L.
Cephalus: Today I was out hunting and accidently killed my wife with an arrow that never misses its target ... which she gave me. F*L.
Tereus: Today, my wife served me a delicious meal. It was our son. F*L.
Psyche: That bitch Aphrodite got jealous of how hot I am, and sent Eros to do something about it. We fell in love and married, but my jealous sisters convinced me to betray him and now I feel REALLY bad. Lately, all I can do is wander the world mourning my lost love. It's so emo. F*L.
Pallas: Today my best friend, Athene, killed me by accident while playing "catch the javelin" and then she stole my name. F*L.
Midas: I touched my daughter and she turned to solid gold. I was obviously really effing depressed and tried to down some strong ale, but that turned to gold too. F*L.
Agamemnon: Today I got back from a ten year war. I was still able to defeat hundreds of strong male warriors ... and then my wife killed me when I was in the bath. F*L.
Eurydice: Today, my wedding day, I stepped on a snake and died. Just as my husband is leading me out of Hades, he turns around and I have to stay forever. F*L.
Sinon: I'm the one who made the Trojans believe our lie about the Trojan horse and yet they made a film about Troy and completely shunned me. F*L.
Penelope: I waited 20 years for my husband to get back, and when he does, he kills all the young men on the island, some of their dads and nearly gets his patron goddess hit by a lightening bolt sent by her own daddy. And don't even get me started with all the pretty young things he had sex with while I was being the chaste, virginal wife. F*L!
Odysseus: I returned home after being away for years and my dog dies. F*L.
Tiresias: Today, I am no longer a blind man. I am a blind woman. F*L.
Echo: I fell in love with the original narcisist who then shunned me. So I hid in a cave and now all that's left is my voice, but I can only repeat what other people say. F*L.
Peleus: Today I killed my brother, ran away because I was scared, made a new friend and married his sister, accidentally killed my friend when I was aiming for a boar, made a new friend whose wife fell in love with me and drove my wife to kill herself. Then my friends wife said I tried to rape her, he abandoned me on a hillside, and when I finally get a break and find a new girl, an argument broke out between the Gods at my wedding which led to the Trojan War. F*L.
Patroclus: Today I got mistaken for my boss, who may or may not be having sex with me, and brutally murdered. Then the rest of the day is spent fighting over me, while that boss who loves me so much won't bury me and spends his time dragging around a corpse. F*L.
Hydra: So this guy Hercules comes into my garden, and I try to tell him he shouldn't be here. I may have been a bit angry, and yelled more than I should have, but then he cuts one of my heads off! I try to tell him that's not on, grow it back like I usually do, and he does it AGAIN. Then he burns my neck shut with a frickin' torch. F*L.
Priapus: Today I argued with a talking goat about who had bigger testicles. The goat won so I had to beat it to death with a stick. F*L.
Phaeton: Today I figured out that Helios was my father from my mom. I wanted to confirm it, so I asked if I could drive the chariots, but when I started driving, the horses rebelled, I almost destroyed the universe, and to top it off, Zeus blew me to smithereens. F*L.
Hermaphroditus: So out of all the prayers the gods get, they decide it was okay to turn me into part woman part man. F*L.
Artemis: This morning, my effing twin brother tricked me into killing my boyfriend. He claims it was because i'm an eternal virgin, and has nothing to do with me being a better archer than him. Orion would back me up. F*L.
Orion: Today my goddess girlfriend killed me on accident, and then her stupid brother stuck me in the sky to be chased by a giant scorpion for eternity. F*L, FMD.
Charybdis: I was a nymph, the daughter of Poseidon and Gaia, and I used the sea to flood lands and stir up storms for my father, and my uncle Zeus got mad at me for doing it all so well, and he turned me into an enormous bladder-like thing with flippers and a huge mouth and made me suck in and belch out water three times a day for eternity. F*L.
Hector: So I kill Achilles and then find out it was only his friend Patroclus. Now the most powerful warrior on the Greek side is pissed at me and wants me dead. F*L.
Laocoon: I showed the Trojans that the wooden horse from the Greeks was hollow. You would think they would be suspicious when after fighting the Greeks for years, the Greeks left them a large wooden horse. Did the Trojans listen? NO! Instead two snakes came from Tenados, ate my children in front of me, and then killed me. To add insult to injury, I was right about the horse. F*L.
Tiresias: Today, I was turned into a woman for hitting snakes. I was then an absolutely AMAZING hooker. Then I was turned into a man for not hitting snakes. I was then a really shitty hooker. Now, I'm blind because I believe in the female orgasm. F*L.
Hades: Today one of my brother's little bas***ds named Hercules strolled into my kingdom and tried to steal my dog - my massive, three-headed monstrosity that guards the gates of Hell - and almost succeeded. F*L.
Actaeon: Today, I was ripped apart by my own hunting dogs. Why? I accidenally saw Artemis naked, and bitch turned me into a stag. F*L.
Elpenor: Last night I got drunk and fell asleep on a roof. This morning I fell off and broke my neck. My friends didn't even realize I was dead. F*L.
Antigone: Thought i'd be a good sister and bury my brother. Turns out my Uncle's a giant douche, so now i'm being walled up alive. F*L.
Plautus: Today I wrote another play; I'm still not funny. F*L.
Hyperion: I left my beloved cattle alone on my island for a bit, and Odysseus' crew, at the behest of Eurylochus, sliced them all into pieces and ate them. I'm so distraught I shall threaten Zeus to go down and shine amongst the dead. F*L.
Nisus: So my buddy Euryalus and I were happily killing Rutulians and he thought it would be cool to steal some guy's helmet. Guess which shiny object the enemy reinforcements caught sight of? F*L.
Echidna: Not only am I pretty horrible-looking, all my kids are worse, and the majority of them get brutally butchered. F*L.
Tiresias: I'm now blind beacause Hera thinks it's a bad thing that women enjoy sex more than men. Oh and then Zeus who got me in this mess makes me a seer so every idiot with a problem comes to me for help. And to top it off even once I died someone came to the effing UNDERWORLD just to find out what the heck they were meant to be doing. F*L, F*L, FMD.
Phaedra: Today, I figured out I'm in love with my step son, Hippolytus. Ok, I know its wrong, so I do the honourable thing and try to starve myself to death. My nurse forces my story out of me and tells him. I'm a strong, independant woman, yet he doesnt love me back. Chaste bas***d. only thing left to do is hang myself. F*L.
Agamemnon: Today, in preparation for an assault on Troy, I decided to test the morale of my soldiers by telling them they could go home. They all chose to go home. F*L.
Iphigenia: so, my dad vowed to sacrifice the fairest thing Greece produced that year to the gods. Guess who apparently just won the beauty competition? F*L.
Sarpedon: I came to help my friend Hector fight the Greeks at Troy. I get killed, turns out my dad knew that it would happen and all he did was make it rain blood. F*L.
Paris: I am played by Orlando Bloom in 'Troy'. F*L.
Heracles: So I not only get driven mad by Hera, but this forces me to kill my own children. For this I get forced to (amongst other things) clean up a mountain of horse shit, steal a bunch of golden apples from some (very) far-away nymphs, kill a hydra, a giant killer lion and a flock of man-eating birds, and capture a sacred hind (that belongs to the goddess Artemis who can totally kick my ass), a raging boar and the minotaur's dad. Oh, and the giant three-headed dog Cerberus that guards the gates to the underworld. F*L.
Pasiphae: So, I fell in love with a bull, spent a shitload of money getting a machine built that would let me have sex with it, and now our darling monster offspring has gone crazy and has to be locked in a labyrinth. Best part? The reason I fell in love in the first place was a punishment from the gods, because my husband didn't sacrifice the damned bull like he should have! F*L.
Aeneas: So, I spend 10 years defending Troy, and it's destroyed anyway. I lose my wife in the city. I spend 7 years travelling, being rooted up from various cities I try to found on the way, and eventually reach Siciliy. I leave Sicily for Italy, get shipwrecked, get a new lover who kills herself when I have to leave, and eventually reach Italy. Turns out the locals don't want a new ruler, so I have to fight another war. At last we win the war. 3 years later I'm dead. F*L.
Hippolytus: So I push back my s**tty Step-mum, but keep the secret from my dad - turns out I get banished and die from some mental Poseidon bull attack - then he actually struggles to apologise when he's told to by a god. F*L.
Cassandra: I didn't know faking an orgasm would get me cursed. F*L.
Ismene: So my sister says she's going to bury our brother and get herself killed, then won't let me come along- something about it being too late, whatever. So she dies, and then her husband kills himself, and so does the Queen. I'm left with Uncle Creon and a pageboy. F*L.
Oranos: Today, my son chopped off my genitalia with a sickle. F*L.
Heracles: Today, I completed my tenth Labour. Out of ten. But apparently two of the tasks set by Eurystheus didn't count. Now I have to hold up the world and go to Hades. F*L.
Lausus: So I was just trying to be this paradigm of youthfully heroic masculinty by saving my bas***d of a father, but this means I have to take on vengeful Aeneas- epic fail. F*L.
Clytaemnestra: I finally get revenge on my husband for killing our daughter and being a general prick and then my son, who I exiled comes home and kicks the shit out of me and my new lover. F*L.
Agamemnon: I get home from a 10 year long war today to see my wife and show here my new concubine. She waits until I am in the bath, then throws a net over me and stabs me with my own sword. F*L.
Ovid: So I'm busy writing a great epic poem, but then Cupid stole my foot. I asked for it back, and he just laughed in my face. F*L.
Erichthonius: Today I was found in a box by the three daughters of Cecrops. The mere sight of me drove them to suicide. I'm a baby. F*L.
Antinous: I spend twenty years trying to get some bitch to marry me after her husband vanishes in some stupid war. Then it turns out we've been lied to about her remarrying and her son goes looking for his dad. When he comes back, he brings some beggar guy with him, so I innocently throw a stool at the beggar. Turns out the beggar was the guy's father and he shoots me through the neck with an arrow. F*L.
Calypso: So I met this gorgeous guy, Odysseus, and I forced him to stay with me for a few years. Everything was going so well untill he decided he wanted to go home to his s**t of a wife. Obviously I was heartbroken, so I decided to kill myself, as there was absolutely nothing left. But turns out I forgot, I'm effing immortal, I CAN'T kill myself. F*L.
Atalanta: Today, my boyfriend promised me the head of the Calydonian Boar as a present. But then not only did his uncle stop him, but his mum got angry at him and set him on fire. As if that weren't enough, he was married before he met me. F*L.
Graeae: I live with my 2 other sisters in a cave. Not only that but we each share 1 eye and 1 tooth. F*L.
Polydectes: Some punk turns up at my banquet with no horse, so I tell him to bring back Medusa's head. I'd like to see him try. What's that you've got in your hand? Oh... F*L.
Apollo: I tried to confess my love to a girl I just met. She decided she'd rather be a tree. F*L.
Echo: So I had this affair with Zeus, but his wife found out and cursed me so I can only repeat what others say. I recently got over him, after falling in love with this georgous guy Narcissus. But because of this goddamn curse I couldn't talk, and ended up imitating him like some immature child. He rejected me, and now I've cried so much I've turned to stone, and my ghost is left to haunt the earth. F*L.
Kronos: I cut up my own father, but then my own son kills me. F*L.
Penelope: Today my husband returned from 20 odd years at sea, he makes a complete mess of the house by butchering several dinner guests and he slept with several other women on his way home, but aparently thats ok because "he didn't love them". F*L.
Midas: So yeah, I asked for the golden touch. I thought it was kinda sexy at the time but then found out I couldn't eat or drink. Oh and people, like my daughter, can't actually survive when they get turned to gold... That's the last time I'm nice to a Satyr. F*L.
Narcissus: I was the pinnacle of male beauty. Now I'm some poncey flower. F*L.
Semele: Hera, disguised as my nurse, convinces me to ask Zeus to reveal his true divine form to me. Whereupon I am reduced to ashes by thunder and lightning. F*L.
Io: Today my boyfriend's wife caught us "in fraganti" and he didn't think of another idea to protect me than to turn me into a cow. F*L. Then her wife sent a big horsefly to chase me, and I drowned just before I could reach Istanbul. F*L, F*L.
Briseis: First I get pillaged by Achilleus. Then, despite declaring his affections, he doesn't stand up for me when I get repillaged by Agamemnon, instead moping and letting that dear Patroklos die too. F*L.
Eris: Nobody likes me. F*L.
Hector: Today my little brat of a brother comes back home with some chick he found over seas. Turns out she's the wife of some king who comes with a huge army to get her back. My brother is too much of a pussy to face the man himself, so our city gets destroyed. Oh I forgot to mention, I get killed, my wife is raped and my son gets thrown off a wall. F*L.
Aphrodite: Today, I was born out of some testicles. F*L.
Athena: My dad told me I was a headache from the day I was born. F*L.
Theseus: I told my dad I'd change my sails to white if I defeated the minotaur. I forgot, he thought I'd died, and killed himself. F*L.
Astyanax - I'm just a baby. What did I ever do to anyone? Oh, that's right. I'm a Trojan and the Greeks are a buncha bas***ds. F*L.
Leda: I got raped. BY A FRICKING SWAN. F*L.
Iphigenia: Today, I realised that my dad cares more about wars than his own daughter. How do I know this? He sacrificed me so that the winds are in the right direction for him to sail to Troy. F*L.
Eros: I am the product of five generations of incest. F*L.
Arachne: Just because my tapestry was much better and controversial than Athena's, she turns me into a spider! Gods are sooo overrated! I used to be a skilled weaver, now I just get squished by a slipper! F*L.
Europa: I found the best looking bull on the beach and went for a ride on it into the sea. Turns out it was the king of the Gods in disguise and suddenly he wasn't the one being ridden. Raped on an island by a sex addicted bull. F*L.
Leda (nine months later): I gave birth to two children today, Castor and Clytemnestra. To make things better I had to squeeze out two frigging eggs and end up with two more kids, Helen and Polydeuces. Four kids in one day. F*L.
Dead Greek: Ran out of gold coins, so Charon wouldn't ferry me across the river Styx. Why is it that you never have any change when you need to catch the ferry? F*L.
The Sphinx from Oedipus: So I come up with the most legendary awesome riddle ever that no one can solve, so I just get to chill out all day on my column and gorge on innocent Thebans. Then, some cripple comes along and solves the riddle, so I jump off a cliff and kill myself. F*L.
Helios: Heracles got whingey because the sun was too hot, so he shot me. F*L.
Odysseus: Landed on the island of the goddess Circe yesterday. I specifically forbade my men from going anywhere dangerous, and what happens? The entire freaking lot of them gets turned into bloody pigs by the goddess! Honestly. Up to me to save them again by risking my own flaming life AGAIN!!?? F*L.
Agamemnon: So that complete twat Achilles decides to get all stroppy 'cause I joked about pinching his girl, and storms out. Next thing I know Apollo is being all dickish about this and starts literally raining arrows upon the entire f**king army. Massive burning piles of corpses, EVERYWHERE - ruins the decal... Can nobody take a joke, or is everyone just out to get me!? F*L.
Philoctetes: So basically, I helped out the son of God. Some would say I deserve a little thanks, but no, apparently the gods think I need a snake to bite me on the foot. Yeah, cheers. All my friends, instead of getting medical attention, just bugger off and leave me stranded on an island in the middle of nowhere. And when they do come back ten years later, it's to steal my bow. F*L.
Helen: I get taken away from my husband because some stuck up little pimpette called Aphrodite promised me to Paris for an ego lift and now everyone is blaming me for a war!!! Figures! F*L.
Agave: I thought I'd managed to tackle and rip apart a ferocious mountain lion, so I proudly paraded around with its head...It turned out that it was actually the head of my son, Pentheus. F*L.
Nemean Lion: Today, Heracles strangled me to death. My impenetrable skin now counts for absolutely nothing, unless you count its wonderful use as a cloak. F*L.
Orpheus: Today, I passed by a raver's concert; in their alcohol-and-LSD-fuelled frenzy they demanded I pay "props" or whatever to their DJ. I refused, so they ripped my head out like Sub-Zero. F*L.
Gorgo: Not only does my husband die in a messy battle and leave me to try and convince a bunch of politicians how best to defend Greece, but also, I am called GORGO! F*L.
Kleobis and Biton: Today, we had to drag our fat mother on a wagon all the way to Argos... To honour us for this considerable feat, the god gives us the best thing that can happen to a man - death. F*L.
Random ancient Greek person: According to our beliefs, people's lives are so shitty that the best thing that can happen to you is death. F*L.
Arachne: Today, I challenged Athena to a weaving competition and won. She threw a hissy fit and started beating me up. So I decided to go ahead and hang myself, at which point she turned me into a spider. F*L.
Cerberus: Woof Woof Woof. F*L.
The Suitors: We just wanted to marry Penelope. No one had heard from Odysseus so naturally we assumed he died at Troy . . . like everyone else. First, she strings us along for TWENTY years with her fricking endless weaving project, then her husband comes back and beats the living shit out of us. F*L.
Artemis: I naively asked my dad to keep me a virgin forever ... when I was 3. Now, aged 18, I take my frustration out on wild animals. F*L.
Tithonus: I'm married to Eos, goddess of the dawn. Thanks to her, I'm immortal. So far, so good. However, no thanks to her, I'm now so old, ugly and decrepit that she can barely stand to look at me and has me permanently locked in my bedroom. F*L.
10,000 Trojan soldiers: I died in an entirely pointless and avoidable war. F*L.
10,000 Greek soldiers: I died in an entirely pointless and avoidable war. F*L.
Philoctetes: I was a heroic warrior in the Trojan War but all I'll ever be remembered as is a squat grumpy satyr that trains Hercules. What do I do in my spare time? I chase after women, eat pots. Oh, and I'm voiced by Danny Devito. Thanks a lot Disney. F*L.
Ganymede: At what point did bearing cups involve cupping balls? F*L.
Odin: Wait, what? I don't even belong here. F*L.
Damocles: Is that a sword attatched to the ceiling by a horse-hair? F*L.
Antigone: My grandmother is my mother and my father is my brother I'm engaged to my cousin. We will have mutant babies. F*L.
Random Persian Messenger: Today I got kicked into a giant hole by some psycho Spartan king just because I told him the sensible thing to do was surrender. F*L.
Jocasta: So after my husband died, this nice chap came along. Smart, handsome, good with the Thebans, so I marry him. Today I found out that, not only was it this guy who killed my husband in the first place, but he's also my son. So I had that awkward moment when you have to tell your husband that when you gave birth to him you abandoned him on a hillside at the whims of a prophet. I feel like the best thing now is to kill myself. F*L.
Minotaur: I get picked on because I'm mixed race. F*L.
Jason: I lost my shoe in a river on the way to a party, and on arrival the King remembered a prophecy about a man with one shoe killing him so sent me on a ridiculous trip to collect a golden fleece. Bad luck much? And Heracles wouldn't let me stay on an island full of only women. And I never got my shoe back. F*L.
Hyrie: My son jumped off a cliff because his lover upset him. I was so upset that I dissolved in my own tears a turned into a pool. Turns out that he was saved and turned into a swan. He gets to fly forever and I get to evaporate. F*L.
Scylla: I fell in love with the king of Crete, only problem, my father was at war with him. So, I killed my father to give up my kingdom to him, and he takes the kingdom, but leaves me! F*L.
Sirens: We've been rehearsing for years and people STILL don't like our music! F*L.
Pheidppides: So I run two marathons to basically save all of Greece, and then instead of a pat on the back, a Lucozade or some magic tonic, the gods and my friends see fit to reward me with DEATH. I am never helping anyone again, ever. F*L.
Ixion: I had sex with a cloud thinking it was Hera. And it gave birth. I'm paying child support to a freaking cloud. And now I'm strapped to a wheel of fire spinning eternally across the sky. Did I mention I screwed a cloud? F*L.
Scylla: So, some random fisherman claiming to be 'the god of the sea' (don't they all) has his way with me, which upsets Circe. She decides the best way to have her revenge is not to get HIM back, but to turn me into one of the most hideously terrifying monsters in Greek mythology. Why are women so messed up? F*L.
Athena: Today I was beat in a weaving contest by a mortal, so I threw a little bit of a hissy fit at her, so she hung herself...long story short she's a spider and everyone thinks I'm a bitch. F*L.
Hydra: Today, I discovered that some people can have endless amounts of fun chopping heads off. Just because they grow back, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. F*L.
Penelope: Today, I was just about to finally accept that my husband, who had been missing for over 10 years, was not going to return. I'd finally got over him and was ready to move on and start living my life again. Guess who shows up. F*L.
Odysseus: Today, Eurycleia recognised me by the scar on my knee. Nice 'failproof' disguise, Athene. F*L.
Edited by -pixie- - 13 years ago
Mannat Har Khushi Paane Ki
Cricket
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