Part 63 : Soup for the soul.
<Maan's monologue>
Frantic now that she was, trying to get a line going to the courthouse records room, since their 2 whole hours of having opened to the public. The tinted glass of the meeting room kept the proceedings out for all those who passed the hallway on the other side, for there were crying and Oh! Some real panic moments that was a sore sight for any soul. It was beyond me to convice my beaten self to get close to her and so I had to seek Meer's help.
"Geet…tumhe please apne aap ko sambhal na padega...Yeh! kya hain...kal raat ke baat cheed ke baat bhi..." I pleaded to placate her.
This was new for I had not seen her go though a cartload of emotions on any other day with the expection of the night at the airport as she scrambled her way to try and get to Toronto.
As the moments passed, I was questioning her priorities in life. Young that an unripe age of 24 was I didn't know what to expect of a woman, with past life torments. She needed conditioning, but did she have it in her to process pain as needed, if life were to stare right at her face?
It didn't matter how things were going to end that day, she is my flesh and blood and that nudged me to think for all that she was ignoring now, including her next meal. The clock's small hand had already passed 12 twice and she had still not had anything to eat. She managed to bite into an egg sandwich this morning, which disappeared too quickly for the pace one would take to nibble and chew to finish. It must have visited the garbage on the way to the subway. She had looked weary and dispirited at office too. Losing face in front of the execs was not something I wanted for her, not one day before her leaving and I had to ping her to excuse herself from the room. Guilt and anxiety was overruling her actions and I didn't want embarrassment in addition.
Kya main vuske liye maaine rakta hoon? It bothered me that she obsessed over the moments that bound me to her, when I was physically there in the now. She had forgotten the world that moved around her. Her feet trembled with each step and her tear laden eyes, struggled to look into what the future held for her. Grieving now that she was, I decided to give in and let her feel the slipperiness of the situation. I spoke no more, except to ask her if she needed anything. Occasionally checking emails to get the work going on the side, I sat next to her and Meer was there too to keep us company.
<Meera's monologue>
She needed me now. It was hard to fathom that she had stood by my side, given all that life had thrown at her. She was indeed strong, but not strong enough to face the future that inched in ever second. MK told me all that had happened the last couple of days and my heart felt for her plight.
"Geet…please ab rona chod do...bahuth ho gaya..." I moved closer to hold her by her shoudlers.
Stuttering to complete her sentence, she went on "Tumhe pata nahin Meer...it was just so beautiful...Maine kabhi itni khoobsurti vuske pehle mehsoos nahi ki thi... "
"How could I? It's so insane..." cursing herself, she fell to the floor on her knees. MK ran to hold her.
"Geet...please...jaan...ab tum kuch nahi kar sakti ho...Just face it" MK said as he hugged her as she sat herself on the floor. I kneeled to rub her back as she sobbed bitterly.
"Maan...aapko pata hain...hamare phere ke waqt...I had taken vows..." she cried.
"I could die if it was needed to keep that moment alive…." She blurted the very truth she desired that moment.
For a moment I had to shake myself up for I didn't know if we humans were capable to handle so much love. How was MK taking it? He had moved away to the end of the room now, rubbing his forhead and seemed confused. Strange an act it was; she had just declared her love for him and I only saw him get away from her to make me question if MK understood the depth of the situation. I moved closer to comfort her. MK walked towards the door and asked me to take care of her as he headed out.
<Maan's monologue>
I had to get out and I had do it right then. It was clear that I was everything to her. She was a handful that minute and she had touched the very sore spots in me to heal. Not that I didn't want to heal, but it was scary a moment to realize what I was recieving from her; something wholesome that could never be equaled to anything, but itself. Will I ever love her back in the same propotions? Was I even capable to give her love of this kind? Her pain was drowing me and I was unable to go through the bout of misery with her. It partly angered me that she was losing the present for her past.
"I will have a soda and the small Minestrone please" I ordered at the food counter standing at the office cafe. I didn't have it in me to leave her behind for a long time to get to Lulu's and get her a decent lunch.
Walking back to the meeting room where she and Meer had camped, I decided, we had to get away from all the craziness once she had her answers. If only it was within my reach to have her get out this moment to get on with a trip. I was ready to get in and drive, didn't matter where, for all that I wanted was for us to rest and seek sanctuary in each other.
She only blocked the meeting room for another 10 mts and so I raced to extend it for another hour or so. As I entered I was taken back to see her seated in the corner chair and much calmer than her previous self I had left the room for. Meer was missing too.
"Sab teek tho hain Geet..." I asked curiously.
"Ji Haan...I'm sorry...Please mujhe maaf kar dijiye...I shouldn't have made you run away" she whimpered.
"No...." I walked to sit in the chair nearby "I went to get us something to drink..." I was ashamed of my act that moment and I kept away from meeting her eyes.
"The records room clerk is on leave today. She will be in only on Wednesday" she croaked.
Two more days of this? It seemed too long and too sore a pain to turn a blind eye and act it didn't exist.
Sighing out loud, she leaned back and her head rested by the edge of the chair.
"I can move in with Meera if you are getting tired of me" she proposed with ill humor and that only added fuel to the fire. My anger fired back at her.
"How dare you Geet?" I thumped the soda and soup on the table to walk away from the room when she called out to me.
"Please Maan...I know I'm just being difficult on you...I can see it in your eyes..." she claimed as I was about to dash out of the room.
"It doesn't matter Geet that was just unnecessary" I bawled and paced to get to my cabin.
Time was now against me as it had slowed down considerably for me to even pass two hours without agitation. I had to check on her now, for she had not showed up at my cabin after I had stormed out of the meeting room.
Walking to her desk with my laptop in my other hand, Shasha passed me and called out to me.
"MK...aap kisiko doond rahe hain" she questioned.
Was it so obvious? Since when did my emotions seep into my face so easily?
"Haan...Tumne Geet ko kahin dekha hain?" I eyed her with nervousness inside and taking care to keep it that way and not give away the vulnerable state that I was in.
"Nahin...may be you should check her calendar...she could be in a meeting" she suggested.
How could have I become so dumb suddenly? The emotions were indeed taking the better of me.
I quickly took the laptop into view to check her availability, only to find out that she was free for the rest of the day. I leaned by the corner of the hallway to check her desk and it was empty and so was Meera and Yash's. Where could they all have gone? As I questioned, Meera and Yash came back together, discussing numbers.
"Did you guys see Geet?" I questioned as Shasha walked away.
"No...she was in a meeting...but it..." Meera turned her wrist to look at her watch and continued "it shoud have been done by now..."
"Kyon...sab teek tho hain na MK?" questioned a concerned Yash.
"Haan...I will take care..." I responded, not wanting to stir in panic to the situation.
I walked out to check by the elevator, scanned the meeting rooms and finally went to the lobby to see if I could spot here by Peet's. Disappointment awaited me as I walked to the turnstile and tried to find her in the disappearing crowds that now walked across to get a cup of coffee.
Calling her was the last option and I opted for the same now. She picked up in a couple of rings to greet me.
"Hello Maan…Main teek hoon" she informed before I questioned her.
"Tum kahan gayi Geet? Kehkar nahi…" I was interuted as she added to assure me she was safe.
"Main teek hoon Maan…I just took the PATH to Hoboken…I came over to Pier a Park here" she spoke to shock me.
"What are you doing there? Why are you on the other side of Manhattan, aisa kya ho gaya hain ki tum bina bataye chali gayi?" I asked her and she spoke in a calm voice which seemed strange given all that she was going through.
"Maan I'm fine. Please give me sometime. I will be home around" she paused, perhaps to check the time and then continued "2.00 PM? I'm done with my KT and I don't have anything for the remaining of the day" She assured me.
"Teek hain…Call me…or atleast text me" I asked of her and she promised to do so as we ended our short distressing conversation.
<Geet's monologue>
Were these omens trying to tell me something? There had not been a single day without tears and if I was tired of it, I wondered what he was going through? Regret and suffering is all that came to mind.
Choosing me, as his life partner was something he would definitely regret. I still had not processed my baggages and that called for me to take some time off from the maddening world and look at all that was happening around me. Something bothered me gravely; I knew I was not grasping something right in all this, but I just couldn't point to it. I didn't know what I was missing in the big picture that was making me into a miserable being ever since our marriage. Was it the fear of losing him? Or making mistakes? Or rejection? I had spilled everything there was to about me and yet I feared rejection? That quite didn't seem like it. Yah kuch kaali nazar lag gaya tha? Being from a small town I just couldn't rule out everything there was to consider.
Aah! I had already ruined one man's life and now I was an emotional drain in his life too…
My hand trembled as I looked up the contacts list to dial him. Unsure in every way, I dialed his number without much thought.
"Hello Dev Khurana here" he responded cheerfully. He didn't have my new number that Maan had got me from office and was what gave me his casual greeting.
"Hello…Main Geet bol rahi hoon"
"Oh! ….Geet….Tummm" He was silent momentarily before he could continue. "Kaise ho?"
"Main teek hoon…Aur aap" I enquired.
"Haan…I'm good….Main ab bahar hoon…tumhe baad main phone karoon" He asked.
Wanting closure badly, I persisted to continue. "Mujhe sirf do minute baat karna hai…is it ok?"
"Haan…teek hain…main bahar aa gaya hoon" he answered.
"Thanks…mujhe papers milgaya hain…" I informed him of the certificate that had come to cause its share of damages.
"Oh! ok…mera attorney post kiya hoga..Main actually Utah main hoon, kaam ke silsile main aaya hoon. I have't checked my mail back home yet…Aur…tum teek ho? I mean…" He hesitated.
"I feel you should start going out…you know…you shouldn't be stuck on me" he suggested.
I couldn't help laugh at the humor of the situation, for here I had called him to let him know that I was married to Maan and that I was sorry for having ruined his life, when he was actually pepping me to get a life for myself.
"Dev…you don't have to worry…I'm fine and I do have someone in my life… actually I'm married" I spoke to deliver him of his ignorance.
"You are kidding right?...I mean…" I was silent as he questioned "You are actually…you have someone and you are married?"
"Haan…that is what I meant…" I confirmed.
"Wow…that was fast…I mean Oops…Congratulations…I'm still in shock"
"Apparently everyone is…." I was too and no denying that.
"So…is ther something particular you called about?" He was now curious given the fact that I had nothing to do with him.
"Haan…I wanted to apologize" I stated in candidly "I think I never pursued you enough …I just wanted to let you know I take responsibility for the part I didn't make it work"
He was silent and I only had to assume he was acknowledging.
"If in anyway you are blaming yourself alone…I just called to tell you that I share some of it too…that's it…nothing else" I ended and waited for him to respond.
"No…you…didn't…I don't know if I can put the blame on any one person…actually just forget it…I'm just glad you are good and you will be happy…I know…" he remarked.
Happy? It seemed like an extinct emotion that I had not felt in a long time.
"Don't…I mean don't apologize…so anything else?" He asked.
"No…that's it…you take care then…bye" I ended. He bid me bye as well for me to go ahead and cut the call.
Well, that wasn't so hard. I had to try and see if any part of the guilt would come down if I attempted to apologize to Dev. In reality, I had to idea if it had made a difference at all, but it did seem to relieve me a bit.
Standing there at the Pier a Park, with my hands, tracing the mucky steel rails, I gazed at the view of Manhattan from the other side of the Hudson and now everything looked calm, tidy and in place, almost as if the madness had been slashed down exponentially. The buildings now did not touch the sky for all the scrapers now seemed to me as stacked up steel boxes of different colors and shapes, competing to come out and stand infront of one another. The race was now not to reach high, but to move forward…the dynamics changed just by having come to the other side of the river.
The cold wind ruffled my hair as it was resting on my thick wool coat. Life had slowed down for me to now notice the finer details and it calmed me considerably. I seated myself down at one of the concrete benches and lived those moments in pure silence.
Ashamed of having overlooked the single most important detail of my life, I was beating myself to make that one number true, which was beyond my doing in any which way.
The date was already stamped and my crying was not going to change it. Even further, I was causing him pain and turmoil in more ways than I was to myself. Acceptance seldom came ready. I am that log by the sea that the waves keep pushing and pulling as the tides sweep the waters. It sometimes faces the dry sand of the shore and when the sea swells, it lurks in the cold waves to once again be beaten up to the bay. It sways between the sand and the sea not kowing where it truly belongs and things did not seem different with me either. I didn't know if I could brace the moments of happiness that comes my way to live in the moment, by the shore and next was a wave only to be swept into the cold depths of the sea…like I was in now.
Helpless I was at hoshiarpur when those men ruined the future of a girl, when I was made to marry a stranger, when dev called for divorce, when he proposed to marry…and now when a watermark threatened to erase all that I held dear. I was dealt with, not asked by life to face problems. Acceptance indeed that I was powerless came hard…
The truth of the moment, though ugly it was, I was in plain denial. I simply gave up deciding that until all that could heal, I would not be a dead weight in any relationship that I was in. I had slowed down Maan already.
If was time and I had to pick up the pieces around to face life as it came. It was my home, my family that was being disquieted by me. I couldn't cause havoc any more, but what I could do to make things better, still didn't come to my mind. It was more than acceptance that was needed from me for my life to get back in order, but for now this is all I could deliver. The subway guided my weary steps back to the city and I was now close to the apartment. To me it seemed I was indeed coming home in every way.
<Maan's monologue>
It was 2.00 PM already but I was still failing to reach her over her cell or our apartment phone. Unable to keep my thoughts staright, I left office pronto, to check to see if she was home. 20 mts on the subway, I was already there and was now not at the door. The silence pierced my ears and I went ahead to look for her in the bedroom, incase she had fallen asleep. She was missing there too and just when I was about to exit the room, I heard the shower running. I walked down the hallway to get to the bathroom and was surprised to find the doors open. In a dilemma I was, to go in and check if all was fine with her.
"Geet..." I called out to her and waited for her response.
Seconds had turned into a minute as I walked in, when she didn't reciprocate my shout out to her.
I peeked to find the water wash down her face as she sat there drenched in her saree, bracing herself by her knees and her forehead rested by the same spot too. I was concerned now, as my mind raced to understand what had pushed her to seat herself in this posture that coveyed nothing but despair. I stepped in to seat myself next to her after placing my wallet and phone by the sink nearby.
As she raised her head to face me, I lifted my left arm to hold her and she moved to rest on my shoulders. Water did seem to have calmed her for she now no longer seemed flustered.
"Ab kaise ho Geet?" I enquired hoping to hear a cheerful response.
"Hmmm teek hoon Maan..." she answered in a lifeless tone
It soared my hopes, as her hand came to rest just below my other shoulder and she nudged to close the distance between us. I turned to kiss her forhead and held her pale cheeks as I questioned her about her inappropriate remark at the meeting room.
"Was that necessary? Why would you say something like that?"
Her pace was much slow compared to any given day and she went on to explain " I was a wreck Maan...and you seem to be staying away from me when I wail away in pain..."
It was not so and she had to know that.
"I just can't see you like this..."
"Is that why you walked away this morning? Or the other night when you didn't carry me to our bed?" she was curious.
"Sorry.... It was a mistake...seriously a grave one..." I moved closer to kiss her on the forhead once again.
"I know I had even promised never to go to bed angry...but I didn't have a better hold on myself" I said, as I regretted not keeping up my word.
"Do you not feel me...or my love...is it not enough to live and love me in the now?" I requested still expecting for the day to lighten up.
Silence bounded her perhaps, for she didn't get back at my questions and I didn't want to call to her attention that I was still waiting. Something bothered me that moment and I had to let her know on the same as she moved to free herself from our embrace.
"You have not opened up to me since that night either Geet...last night you apologized, but that is not what I want...mujse baat kyon nahin karti?
She faced me with a pained look on her face and balanced to stand herself on the floor. As I stood up to meet her eyes, the steam filled the space between us and added to the shadowy situation.
"Mujhe lagta hain hume bahar nikhal na chaiye" she announced and leaped to get out of spot I had put her in.
I stayed in to take a quick shower. While I stepped onto the dry rug, I couldn't help notice her wet clothes by the towel rod that had dripped water all over the floor. It confirmed she was not her usual self. I grabbed my wet clothes along with hers to drop off them off in the washer and I now moved to the bedroom to check on her. She had slipped into the covers, while her robe hung by her side table and her hair wet from the shower.
"Geet...baal tho sukha lo...you just got out of the infection" I asked of her.
She whimpered to brush off my request "Nahin Maan...please..."
As I stepped away to change to my pajamas from the towel I was in, her hand clutched mine to stop me. Still facing away and her back to me, she turned to ask me "Maan...thode der ke liye so jaate hain..."
"Teek hain...main kapde ba..." she cut me off to finish first "Nahin...please..."
This was definitely not her, for she had not clothed either and the day could not get any weirder for me. First was her statement to move in with Meer and then came her disappearing act, followed by me finding her seated in the shower in her saree and now her strange request to sleep in our bare selves...what was to follow? I was only inquisitve to find out as fear gripped me, appealing to her mentally that she not make any radical changes to our relationship.
I walked around to get into bed and she inched in closer to sleep on my shoulders. Her hand held me by my waist and it slowly moved higher to rest by my lower neck.
"Do you know that it was the one moment that was true in my life?" she said, opening me to her raw pain. My hand moved beneath her neck and inched her to hug her closer by her upper arm.
"I know...it means the same to me and you must know that" I affirmed.
"Maan, I know I'm shaken up and I'm not letting go...but please don't walk away…I'm not eccentric for all you know…I'm trying this very moment" she said, and I was right, she was letting out her fears to me, atleast indirectly and I was thankful for that. It needed rewarding on my part and I did so with a kiss to her lips.
"I won't...I told you its not you...its me...I just couldn't see you like that...you were breaking in front of me and for the first time, I was somehow in the picture" I clarified for her as she looked deep into my eyes as I turned to face her.
"Main aapse kuch kehna chati hoon…vahi kasmein jo main phere ke waqt apni mann main li thi…"
Reliving those moments once again, she spoke her vows out as she held my cheek "Maan main aapse waada karti hoon, hamesha saath chalne ke liye. Zindagi ki har mod pe saath doongi. "
I let go of her and she moved away from my shoulder to face me as she rested on my chest, her face a few inches away from mine.
"Aapki aur sirf aapki rahoongi. I will be your friend and wife as you need me. I will share my happiness and take your sorrows" she said and her voice spoke clear of her love. No wonder she was affected, I concluded for such deep was the place her words came from.
Being pulled mysteriously to her words as she proclaimed her love, my hand rose to move the hair on her forhead behind her ears and traced her cheeks.
"I will be your shadow in every step of the way. I will be your anchor in the raging seas. I will be the light in times of darkness. I will heal the wounds of your past" and at that, I held her cheek to wipe her tear that ran down to fall on my neck.
"Geet...please..." I begged. I didn't want her to break those tender moments as she spoke the very vows that tied us together and she acted upon my request. Closing her eyes, she eased into a gentle smile before she uttered what was left of her vows and her eyes imparted it was indeed the instant our relationship was being reinstated, that the watermark didn't matter anymore…not ever.
"You will always be the sun that lights up my day and the stars that makes my night. To know you is only to love you more aur main hamesha aapse pyar karoongi...till time and times are done…evermore and everafter" she ended as my lips locked hers to acknowledge her "I do…"
I went ahead to see if I could make her day in anyway. "If its any comforting...I had my vows for you too..."
She was all ears as she moved away to rest her chin on the top of her hand that was now on my chest "Boliye na Maan..." she asked as my fingers moved around her half dry hair and tangled with it.
"Geet tumse bad kar mere zindagi main ab kuch nahin hain…Aur main waada karta hoon, ki hamesha tumse pyaar karoonga, aur tumhara saath chalne ka vada nibavoonga" as I continued, she smiled and that was the first in the day.
"Aur tumhe tumhara har manzil tak leke javoonga, Aur tum hamesha mera manzil rahogi. Tumhari har chahath poora karoonga" I said and now her face showed diagreement, but I carried on with what I had to say.
"I will always be the nature around you. I will be the air that breathes you life, the water that drives your life force, the land that feeds you health and wealth, the sky that covers and protects you and the fire that wards off your sorrows" and to this, she moved closer to kiss me back with a short peck by my chin.
"Aur in sab ke badle main sirf tumhari pyaar aur saath chahta hoon…ever and forever" I ended as she moved in the same movement, to close it with a passionate kiss.
Turning her to move on top of her I assured her to be by her side, no matter what "I do...I will take away your sorrows...and when I can't I will keep trying..." and that made her hold my cheek to gaze into me with stillness around. Her eyes called attention to many emotions that she was going through, yet I could see her tinkle fight them to return in its full splendour. She was now smiling as her hand moved up to knot my hair and pulled me closer for another snog.
"Mujhe aur kahan leke jayenge Maan...jab mera manzil hamesha meri itni kareeb rehta hain" she broke off our kiss to clear the air around the diagreement she had reflected on her face. I couldn't disagree for I was only a breath away...as she breathed her words into my ears.
"Main khud aapki ho chuki hoon...tab mera pyaar bhi tho aap hi ka hain...hamesha ke liye" she promised, as my hand on her shoulders moved up to hold her cheek and I placed a kiss on her forehead.
<Geet's monologue>
It was the purest acknowledgement of our love for each other and we were married once again, in many ways I didn't know…speaking the very vows that bound us in a relationship, in each other's arms, accepting and welcoming the other with a kiss as we lay there in our bare selves. It was not the physical nakedness that was tied now, but it was the coming together of our fettered souls that bound us for eternity. The heavens rejoiced in our union as it sent down mounds of snow outside, to show us of all that we could attain in this alliance...pure and pristine was the message and it now gently poured to whisper the same into our ears. Moving to lay by his side, his hand went underneath me to pull me close and cuddle into him, as my arms went on to hold him by his back; our hands moved in unison to feel the WE we had become and he sealed the moment with a kiss.
A touch...A cuddle...and a kiss...His soup for my aching soul.
A long one....Hope you all like this coming together....only for them, for we all know they are still far from it. Press the like button at the least and post and comment, if you can go further than that...see you around in the weekend.
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