Part I
Swarna is a married woman. She has been married from past 7years. The start to her married life was beautiful. She had been in courtship for 6 months before getting married to Virat. After marriage adjustments, compromises she went through everything wanting not to hurry in coming to conclusion, that the marriage is not working. Her problem was not Virat in particular but the family in which she was married into. They couldn't make her feel a part of their family rather than she felt lonely there. The dependency of Virat to make decision based purely on the opinion and views of his parents and his elder sisters. Both his sisters were married and had children. They stayed in the same city. They would every time come in the house and take decisions of the family matters and Swarna started feeling lonely. Her views were kept aside telling she was new into the family. After a lot of difficulty she was coping to keep her ego aside and to have patience. Soon she was in the family way and she felt this child may bring some cheer into her relationship. Virat was on cloud nine with the news. So was the whole family but for every problem Swarna faced during her first pregnancy Virat would force Swarna to consult his sisters rather than call a doctor immediately. Swarna was getting irritated she was more comfortable to discuss her problems with a doctor rather than her sister in-laws who were advising her but with that questioning her why she is not eating this why she is not taking care and their questioning or concern never made her feel better. She was not able to bond with them as their interference was getting to the peak and her role wasn't appreciated by anyone in the family.
Everyone says marriage needs adjustments to make,
Everyone says marriage means compromises to make,
Felt this Saas Bahu thing will never bother me up,
I care about one and all but still why I can't just cope up?
Swarna became busy with the upbringing of her baby girl Vedika. She was the best thing happened to her. Her smile her cuddle her sweet talks would relief Swarna from family chores and problems. Somewhere now, she felt too responsible and never wanted her daughter to feel any pain or hurt by her set of personal problems. Not to affect in anyways Vedika's childhood. Swarna had a volcano of emotions inside her to erupt but she stopped herself to give every try and chance to make herself calm and not loose her patience. She knew her anger could destroy a lot for her daughter as well as her married life.
My little daughter you are everything to me,
Brought you in this world I will make it wonderful to be,
I know my daughter I am not really happy in this house,
For ur sake I want to wait and make time erase this pain out?
One more incident just tested her patience again. Virat was investing a huge sum of money for Vedika, along with her the same investment was done for his sisters' children who were about 10 years old. Swarna couldn't understand that why Virat has to do this while her sister in-laws are married into a family quite well off. The only thing was they were not much into investing and her sister in laws husband would spend a lot of money without caring how expensive it was. She felt it's the duty of the father of the child to save and invest and the amount Virat was investing was quite huge. It would mean a huge part of their monthly income to be used with caution. She knew she will have to be careful spending every penny now as the interest they use to get from their bank amount would not be there. She could not understand why there was this need. Why they have to do this when the sister in law could invest by their own money and convince their husband. Swarna should cut off her shopping list and so many adjustments. She tried to ask Virat and they argued on it. In the end the answer which Swarna heard and it made her not to counter anything more was, "I earn the money, I know where and on whom to spend. You are not earning this money? I am working hard and earning my income so u better just listen and respect what I want to do with the money." Swarna felt she and Vedika were not the priority. Swarna would limit herself from spending anything for her parents as Virat was the sole earning member and he never hinted her even once to go out of the way and be a son to her parents. She was fine with it after some initial thought and tough financial stance. But now, she felt isolated here. The tone of words said to her was harsh and rude while she had told in a very subtle way. Virat couldn't even hide this from his mom and his mom told how Swarna doesn't like him to be that close with his sisters. Swarna didn't want her fights to be discussed by her inlaws which will take issues to another level she knew it.
Not fighting here to gain monetary benefit,
Just putting my views across as u n me sit,
They Feel cunning to taking u away from ur sister,
My perspective and thought never ever matters..
Part II
Their relationship was on the verge of breakup. Love was lost from the relationship but sad part was they couldn't even see a friend in each other. As husband and wife relationship was only for the sake of their daughter Vedika. In midst of her mental stress and tensed inner feelings her mother in law advised her to have another child too. She wasn't ready to go through motherhood again as she was mentally too stressed and their relationship wasn't that good either. Virat felt on the other hand that children are planned and as now Vediak is 5 years old they should have another child now. Swarna was mentally not ready and Virat too upset with her attitude, he felt nothing serious took place for her to feel so broken. Swarna was not interested in any physical intimacy for the sake of a child. She was not happy in the relationship so addition to the family meant greater responsibility. No one there was supporting her.
I am not ready to become a mother again,
What care I will take when I am in so much pain,
I am confused what where I am going wrong,
How can I take the decision to bring another life along?
It was getting suffocated here many times she couldn't even stand a minute more there when she is not appreciated but blamed or cornered for the silliest of thing. Her opinion her views were never taken or felt important and more over Virat doesn't value her nor does support her. She said she was tired, she was weak now and she started sobbing, crying. Virat had never seen Swarna in such a state ever before. He asked her to be calm. She cried on his shoulder feeling somewhere he is going to understand her state at last. Virat took her close. Swarna and he became too cozy, they hugged. Swarna simply wanted him to be by her side always. She was not strong enough to walk down the path of life alone and she wanted Virat's love for her as deep as she feels and loves him. They got intimate they made up and in the morning Virat asked her not to take any pills and that they should work on their relationship and he is there for her and Vedika. Swarna wanted to assure him she trusts what he is saying and so she agreed.
I am an emotional fool u can say
but I need only u around,
I trust u to make u know
in each other our faith is found,
I am ready to hear what u say and
take steps as husband and wife,
I am relying on u and
please never leave me alone in state of strife?
That night and she was carrying again she was hesitant that her decision to go through this pregnancy was right or not but now it was too late. Nothing was as she assumed it to be, she realized her state was getting worst now, nothing is changing but her patience is getting tested to the limit. Virat was more caring during her first pregnancy but now he was not that caring or concerned that much. He was rigid and least communicative to even listen to her. He would say stop cribbing about everything and everyone. Swarna's health was getting disturbed by her stress and soon she was hospitalized with fever and infections. During such ill health Virat came for some days to meet her but not stay there ever. Her sister in laws told her Virat is busy with a project you know he cant be here all the time, call ur parents to stay, Swarna had asked her parents to stay with her at the hospital but would always wonder Virat has to do a duty of a father and husband at the time they need him the most and why cant his family tell him this but come here to explain her and support him.
This child was planned by you,
This child got in my womb u knew,
When I take the pain of these 9 months,
Can't u be caring enough listen to me once?
She some how managed not to let this affect her as her yet to be born child is getting into trouble. She coped and kept quite. As she was getting discharged from the hospital her sister in law elder to her told her while she went to pay the bill that Swarna should take care of herself and understand the bill they paid here is how much they could if she had delivered. They told her this is not her first pregnancy and she knows what all care is to be taken why she has become so careless. Her way of saying meant in such a way as if Swarna should know the value of money. Swarna was not ready to take this, she rudely answered back saying, my health got affected not because I didn't take good care its because others never took care of me, others whom I considered my family but they felt I was yet new and actually consider me still an outsider. Swarna, her sister in laws and in-laws argued and this cost her most. They were not on talking terms with each other. Swarna now even didn't want to stay there in the house and went away. Virat got to know what all happened and realized Swarna has been very rude to her sisters and they kept quite and listen to her thinking about her condition or else they would have answered her properly. He felt hurt that her sister's who love him so much are always disliked by Swarna. Swarna was immature according to his perspective. She been a housewife didn't knew anything of their family rituals. Keeps quite but her mind always observed what all he tries to do for his parents and sisters. She gets irritated at his thought of wanting to do anything for them anytime.
It's easy to say how immature the other is,
It is easy to hold on to the things wrong it seems,
It's always better to give everyone that much of their space,
Giving more than what is welcomed makes u have lots to face?
Swarna at her mother's place was down in depression and Virat was angry at her attitude. Virat and his family even thought over the possibility of divorce. Swarna didn't even once thought about divorce at this point of time but she was upset and called up Virat to sort the issue. It was too late for Swarna to realize neither Virat was ready to forgive her for insulting his sisters nor was he cared to talk with warmth with the excuse that she was pregnant and carrying. Her condition to him didn't matter he told her in frank attitude that divorce was on his mind as she couldn't get into his family again. Swarna couldn't believe her ears, she shared some wonderful memories with him and how can things get so worst that he wants to completely get separated legally. She was broken undecided. She thought may be this is his temporary anger as the child will be born he will come meet her, talk to her and things can get better. She prayed and soon she delivered a baby boy. Virat came saw the baby did all the formalities but never hinted that he wanted to take back his decision.
The final nail into the coffin it seems to me,
U wanting divorce is not something I agree,
I love u and I know I was little rude to them,
I was disturbed and couldn't pretend to be sweet to them?
Part III
Swarna's parents too had argument with Virat's family they were upset to see the condition of their daughter and Virat now had finalized to divorce her and then have less trouble for his family to go through. Virat was ready with the divorce papers the lawyer and wanted Swarna to think over it and soon to sign the papers. Nothing is left in their relationship he felt. He was ready to bear all the expenses of their children but not Swarna. He was ready to give her the custody of children as he very well knew Swarna would never and could never want to keep the children away form him. He wanted to show Swarna the state she will be when he will leave her. He wanted to show her what actually loneliness means. He wanted her not to use the surname of their family whom she insulted and argued with. He had so much anger towards her but was full of love for his children. Swarna knew that and heard him saying this to her. She knew he decides and it become final he is rigid to try and change his decisions. His work was getting affected by the household quarrels too she knew. Virat had told her that her aim of breaking his family up will never get fulfilled.
Life for me and u is not the same,
U want to end this and have me to blame,
I still can't find this to be the end,
I still love u and wants things to be the same?
Swarna at her mother's place was tensed about what decision to take. With an evening walk with her daughter she went to the nearby garden thinking deep what should she do. Should she sign the divorce papers or try and somehow stay with Virat. Virat was in no mood to forgive her. Swarna thought over she felt she was not wrong totally. She may have rudely spoken to her sister in laws but is that such a big crime for Virat to think of getting separated. Why should their children suffer? She would wonder if Virat felt Swarna was trying to break the family what divorce will do? Totally shatter their immediate family.. Take away the roof of one parent from their children. Children to Live life with the truth of parents separated and not have to see the beauty of a lovely family. Swarna tensed, confused thought she would ask forgiveness from her sister in laws for the sake of her children and importantly because she can't find herself been happy alone. She was upset sad in the married life but she is not happy ending it too.
Divorce can not bring anything to me,
The numb pain in me is getting deep cant u see,
I was unhappy in my married life for sure,
But getting separated from u cant be its cure?
She was confused, the pain was there but for whom for what she was slowly not undertnading. Vedika was playing around, just then Swarna noticed her college friend Prabha she called her, both friends were very happy to meet and see each other after a long time. Both chatted, walked and exchanged numbers. Swarna was among the people who rarely shared her sorrow with others. Prabha told Swarna that she has divorced her husband. Swarna asked her,
Swarna: Was it that difficult to save ur relationship?
Prabha: I think for me it was. I could have saved my relationship but again it would not have healed my wounds nor would have sprinkled some trust in both of us for each one of us. I was tired been a wife and a dutiful daughter in law all the time. I will never get tired been a mother for sure as I brought this child into this world with a promiseto myself but to do this well I will not let myself down by forgetting completely what I am.
Swarna: Don't u think ur child needs both the parents.
Prabha: I know, I am there for my child all the time. My ex husband and I adjust things accordingly for him for his sake. We do go out sometimes with him together as well. But staying under one roof is just not possible now.
Swarna: But in the end of it your child won't be happy like others who's parents are together.
Prabha: Yes, he may ask why you both cant stay together, why u don't ? I will be happy to hear that and answer him with love and a lot of care towards his feelings. But I think if I had stayed with my ex husband and seeing us fighting and seeing us reacting the way we did to each other during arguments and my child then would surely ask , why u both cant stop fighting and at that time I would not be able to answer him at all. Feel myself in pain stress and my child getting his share of that too.
Swarna: About staying alone.. u can manage? .. don't u love ur ex husband at all.. is love completely lost..
Prabha: I think I love him still for some stupid mentality inside me. We spent good 9 years. My son is 7 years old and somehow I understand my ex husband better so well than any other guy I will in my life ever. I am bound to be in love with him for sharing life together. But I know when the transformation of searching for myself started he could not help me couldn't not think I should and felt I had to stay as a wife, as a mother and as a daughter in law. I wanted to get wings and fly and he was not ready to pay me for that ride which was about starting my career after 32. He felt I was selfish to have a dream of my own at 32. I should dream have goals for our son. But I wanted to be selfish as I wanted to fly. I can't be happy doing things all the time for others and according to others even if they are my family.
Is it wrong to be selfish in life sometimes?
Can't a woman have goals of her own at times?
A wife, a mother is these roles only fitted for a woman life long,
Can't they aspire desire for themselves in this journey along...
Swarna: Your in-laws what was their reaction?
Prabha: They didn't say anything , may be not want to come between me and my husband. Even when I asked and requested them to make him understand they could not help me out. In the end I felt Nilesh didn't want to change his mindset and our relationship later on suffered ?it was getting bitter and worst could happen I am glad I came out to give some time for both of us to think and we broke our marriage mutually.
Swarna : U r happy to be alone and fulfill ur desire got what u wanted.. discovering urself..
Prabha: I am not happy that my marriage ended but I think I made a difference to my stand. I know when my son will be 15 he will have his own life and I will wonder why I didn't start my own somewhere down the path before.. As husband and wife our point of views, respect isn't there even love can't make us to stay under one roof. I did not want control on others but my own freedom to do something which will be my achievement. Having such a desire was not selfish but my right I felt. When as wife, mother I had done my duties, as a woman as Prabha what's wrong in discovering myself too. If I don't have the courage to stand for myself I will never be happy to perform all my other duties too. As a wife I tried my best to sort things out explain and show my outlook, as a mother I tried even harder to save my marriage but as a woman I asked myself, "Prabha u have a life as well" and I feel I didn't want more than I should expect in a marriage. Today I am independent, I have achieved few aspirations and I feel confident. Nilesh too is proud of that fact though he won't ever show it to me. I had my struggle financial emotional initially when I got separated but I became too strong and then only decided to take the stand. My son is very proud of whatever I am. I am glad that Nilesh and I at least are friends now wherein marriage we started loosing that friendship too.. We don't fight at all, we don't interfere too but my son is seeing the positive side of both us when he is with us. Before divorce I was scared with our fights he would only know us with the negativity we started bursting towards each other ? I am glad my son feels we would make a perfect couple if we were together now also? at least proud family is broken but scars aren't badly shaped.
It's sometimes worst to be together
But pain inside getting deeper and wider,
It's sometimes good that though u miss each other
U can be at ease things rnt getting worst but for better?
Swarna heard this and she noticed that Vedika too is looking at a lot of negativity which is coming out from her and Virat. Swarna a more quite person had started rudely talking and Virat who softly would say in fewer words what's to be done and what not to be had started loudly speaking to her. Vedika must have got to see this negativity. Swarna took Vedika and walked back home as her son must have woken up from sleep now saying bye to her friend Prabha. Meeting Prabha and sharing her feeling Swarna didn't get solution to her problems but a strong perspective about life and a sense of courage built in her. Been the only daughter always protected by family or by her husband she was scared to take decision and be alone. Now she was straight asking herself the answer with strength that's what a few minutes of talks with Prabha affected Swarna. Swarna smiled by the courage she derived from Prabha. The strong vibes she got form her and walked the path to the house with some decision in mind she was happy somewhere with what she was going to do.
I have now decided what's to be done,
I have come to terms with what time has undone,
I am going to do this,
Try to be clear whether I want or not to be your wife
It's my life and I will show
My stand and my side in mine and in your life?
Part IV
Swarna called up at Virat's office, asking for an appointment to meet him from his secretary. Virat was wondering she could talk on the phone rather than ask for an appointment to meet him and speak. Swarna told him that she has some personal as well as some professional work with him. Virat agreed and asked her to come and meet him around 3:30 pm. Swarna told him that his son sleeps by 12:30pm so she would find it to be more convenient to come at 1:00pm and meet him. Virat agreed. Virat use to meet the children every Sunday. He asked her he could have a chat with her even at her place when he comes on Sunday. Swarna told him she wanted to talk about it soon enough to decide future things. Virat agreed and told her he is ok to meet her at 1pm.
Let's meet and hope
Fights r not on the plate,
Let's meet and see if
We can change our relationships state,
Swarna reached his office at 1pm sharp. Virat saw her and smiled and felt may be as he had said he may not pay for her is she wanting to talk about it or is she wanting a job in his office. He later wondered her parents can afford her stay at their place for sure. He also felt may be she will cry and emotionally blackmail him not to divorce her.
Looks like u have something on ur mind,
Emotional blackmailing or job u want to find,
But I am too rigid and I know u made relationships so sore,
As their son and brother I cant take this anymore?
Swarna sat and said, "I have thought about Divorce and my decision is I will give u divorce." Virat heard it rightly but still he couldn't feel anything. There was this numb feeling pain inside both of them. He felt with tears in her eyes Swarna may say this making him feel guilty for asking or making him feel emotional enough to rethink about divorcing her. But here nothing that sort happened she said with not even a tear drop in her eyes nor any reaction. Certain numbness could be felt. Virat said with a confused mind, 'OK' Swarna continued saying that when she is divorcing she would like to know what all went wrong and why he wants to give the divorce and even tell him later why she wants a divorce from him. In the court she would try to understand and know what mistakes she or they both did in making this relationship to end at this note. Virat was confused looking at her strong self and hesitantly said, Ya' and nodded his head.
Something somewhere has changed in u,
U always cried much and spoke words few,
Something in u is telling me u have changed and became strong,
What r u up to I am wondering , is there something wrong?
Swarna later continued saying that as he will not be paying her any money but surely look after the children and their expense she surely needs a job to bear her own expenses. Listening this Virat smiled knowing she surely will ask him to give her a job. Rightly Swarna asked him she wants a small help a job from him and he has to decide it now or else she will search for the same job somewhere else today. Virat agreed asking her what kind of job she is wanting in the office.. and there Swarna interrupted him saying that she cant work in his office as she doesn't want to, as well as she isn't qualified enough to be working in such a big company. She said she isn't capable enough to do such office work as well. She may not fit into such a working place. Virat looked at her she was saying she was not competent enough yet her face didn't determine that she felt any inferior or sad about it. She was not professionally qualified or had ever worked anywhere before. She after college got married and always wanted to be a housewife. Virat was keenly listening and had observed certain strength in the voice of Swarna the soft spoken quite lady she was , now spoke with clarity and no nervousness, she was not emotionally choked as he would easily assume her to be.
U seem to have got something special suddenly in u ,
Why cant I notice what it is but there is something new in u,
I am a bit shocked a bit confused and a bit uneasy,
Always knew how u would react but now it seems not easy?
After a few minutes randomly Swarna told him something which he heard but still wanted to hear it again. He said, come again..what did u say?
Part V
Swarna continued saying she could fit in his home not as a maid or servant but as a nanny to their children. She told him she will take good care of the kids. She said she will stay there as their children's nanny. He can treat her like that though the kids will call her mama and him papa. Even he will be at advantage of having to meet children daily.
There is nothing small I feel to be a nanny in ur house,
Taking care of my own children but not as ur spouse,
It is simple for me and not a big tense moment,
U can understand it well if u really understand what I meant?
Virat was shocked initially and later smiled feeling Swarna is in such a state that she is ready to be a nanny in the house where she was the daughter in law of the family, wife to him.. This all she is doing so that she can stay in the house. But when he saw Swarna too smiling, his smile was lost and he was in dilemma. Swarna told him not to be tensed about his family. She won't interfere or talk rudely to them. As a nanny will be in her limits. He can remove her form the job if she tries to be acting over smart in any way. Respect for everyone, love for children and distance from him and his issues she would keep all these things in mind. Virat was just very confused and not able to decide. Swarna told him decide now or else she will find the same type of job elsewhere and get some earnings for herself. Virat said yes, as he felt her working as a nanny somewhere else he couldn't relate that. He wanted to say yes and get time to understand what's happening in her mind and in his mind..
I am shocked by what u r wanting to do,
A nanny in ur own house and get paid too,
We r getting separated and still u want to be in the house,
Divorce u r ready to give then why give this option out..
Swarna left and Virat called up his family. Everyone was confused but all were too attached to the children and so they said let's see and agreed to observe Swarna and her behaviour for some days. Swarna came into the house, she looked only after the children all the time. She came there against the will of her own parents. She was happy here and her happiness on her face raised many questions in the minds of everyone in the family. Everything looked fine and she had loads of free time in hand. She didn't had to make food for Virat and others in the family nor had to serve anyone, buy anything for the house. She was focused about her children and her stay. She respected everyone and smiled showing she was glad to be working as a nanny here. Her sister in laws did try to get out from her what she actually wanted to do by this. Swarna was unaffected.
Living here enjoying with children,
Having my time knowing what else is happening,
Silently observing and quietly enjoying,
Nothing to loose by the decision I choose?
On the other hand Virat was going through difficult phase at work front, the market was down and the income in hand was quite less. Swarna's cesarean operation, lawyers fees and the work pressure, family upset and quarrels within them, everything had put too much strain on him financially and physically too. Swarna living in the house as a nanny her face was glowing and there was something strong about her which came out. Virat could observe that he may have not looked with interest at Swarna so much as he was doing these days. Swarna would dance with children play with them and had not even once bothered to ask him why he was tired or sick what tension he has why he didn't had dinner tonight why was he late.
Here I am working hard and am in lot of mess,
There I see u enjoying dancing playing and at rest,
U don't seem to be affected by anything around I guess,
U don't seem to be showing remorse care when I am in distress?
Divorce process went into further step and court hearing date was finalized where the reason for divorce would be read. Here Virat was upset with many issues and Swarna called him up saying Vedika's admission will be next month in the school and so the admission fees is 40,000 he will have to keep it ready and pay that when they go for her admission. Virat was confused he had some 20,000 but 20 more from where would he bring, asking someone he never could and had... Breaking the FD he felt he shouldn't, his sister or parents he never asked them any financial help. He knew he can't share it with especially Swarna. He came in the house trying to think over what finally to do. Ask his friend or break his jointFD. Soon his sister arrived saying she will be going on vacation with kids to Maldives her husband has planned this trip. Virat was very happy for her. She said after going through the problem of his breaking marriage and all that his husband felt to cheer up, he should take the family out to some nice place and so he planed all this. Virat was very happy and knew his sister's husband always wants to do the best for his family and never thinks twice about what it may cost. He went inside worried while all outside in the hall were enjoying packing, the whole family was here other sister her kids and Swarna quietly smiling and not saying a word there. Virat looked at her and went inside. He was upset, his family is in shatters and this is the first time his financial state has become weak. He never once thought of present but always of future. He wanted another child as future time may not permit him, everything he wanted to plan but separation wasn't exactly planned it came along. Working harder as this is the age to put all ur efforts. Family they r the ones who stay always with u and think only for u? Did he once think of cheering up Swarna when she cried she was upset, he had always felt money to be saved, but he couldn't save the relationship? For the first time he felt lonely in this huge house with each and every member of the family present still none there whom he would try and ask a solution.
Life can be planned but
the plan may not sometimes work out,
Life has its own rule and
destiny follows its own route somewhat,
So investments are good for future
but don't loose the beauty of present,
For future to be together
present needs support time and commitment?
Virat went in the children's room, denoting as if he came there to see the children but actually wondering if Swarna would react or talk to him. Why was he going towards her he didn't knew but his feet took him that side. Swarna observed him and her eyes said without her words saying anything to him. As if how many times has she come in his workspace area and quietly looking at him for a comforting hand and how many times has he said loneliness with so many people around, u just can't? why cant u find gel with anyone here. Virat realized that as if he questioned himself and went back.
Many times we think certain words glances
r mere emotions of weak people around?
We tend to forget times changes and emotions
r in every human its just when ur time come along,
Loneliness isn't in place situation
or by people around,
Its just the vaccum which widens inside
though physically many people u may have around...
Virat was breaking the FD as his mom told him it's a joint FD it would be better break that as Virat and Swarna were getting separated. He asked Swarna to join him to the bank for a signature. Swarna went along Virat was wondering when will she start with her usual cribbing, 'U never even ask me, take my opinion, u must have told to ur mom but not me. Why do u create joint accounts when u don't take joint decisions.' Virat had always felt what's the big deal if he consults his mom first, he giving cheques from joint accounts he never told her or asked her or even informed her about it. Here Swarna didn't say anything when they got the cash in hand some 1 lakh rupees Virat recollected that when they had made this joint FD they were newly married and had saved the entire amount they got as blessings saved in the form of this FD. He knew there was Swarna's share in this money too. He told her that Swarna can have the half amount of cash he does remember his promise. Swarna said with a grin on her face, "U must be in need of the entire money more than me, u know my requirements for myself r few and u r ready to take the financial responsibility of our kids.. u need the money much more than me. For admission u must need some 30 or 20 more. I know my cesarean has cost u a lot even my ill health during pregnancy. U may have spent some money to the lawyer as well. I don't need anything more. U r giving me divorce that's more than enough for me to lead a life.
Money oh isn't it so very important in life,
But When life teaches u some lessons as u strife,
U Go ahead and realize lessons learnt make u strong,
U speak with ur heart but balancing mind along?
"Virat couldn't walk ahead he was choked, he could never imagine Swarna could read his financial status so well. He even felt why was he been so proud that he earns so much and felt Swarna may face problems staying alone. Why was he rying to make himself feel proud that he earns and she only spends, so he had every right to disown her from saying where and how to spend it. He realized Swarna has never asked for any amount for leisure or for enjoying, her requirements were minimum she can eat anything, she never argued to go to restaurant for dinner, she never asked to take her to any vacation. She never asked she loves watching movies in theatre? she was content with home, enjoying and spending time with him be it at home or anywhere else that's what she always told him. Her shopping list too never included much for her requirement but for household things? she was particular about clean pretty curtains and bed sheets covers and always bought them in dozens. Virat for the first time felt if he earns she spends it sparingly? If the need would have arrived why wont she earn by herself. Virat now felt a bit difficulty to look into her eyes. She was confident and he had lost his confidence.
I felt I was superior & dominant as I am the Man,
Bringing home the bucks I decide what is and what can
My family whom I loved through n through was hurt by u,
I took the decision as I knew u would be hurt u with what I do?
Virat again made himself to know Swarna has hurt the elders in the family and all this confidence in her is just fake acting. He tried to make himself believe she cant be happy been alone any day. But inside him he knew he is feeling he wont be happy alone without her may be that scared him somehow.
Virat and Swarna's Divorce hearing was there where they would read out whether they really want divorce or not and the reasons for divorcing. Swarna was very happy and she told Virat that this month staying here she had a good time she felt relaxed and now she would like to concentrate herself on the divorce proceedings and some new ideas which have struck her for future. They won't be together but hope they can be better people when they live their separate lives. Virat told her he is with her when it came to kids and their life, Swarna was a bit unaffected and she said, U always promised me u r with me, and I felt u don't need to be with me, u r in me within me, in my heart in every step I took or tried in our married life. But I was never within u .. ur parents ur sisters ur nephew they always were within u? I never had that place.. I think I believed in promises and made many compromises.. u understood very well it was enough and decided about divorce... now I am sure it was enough be it from ur side...or as u feel from my side..
We won't be together, we will get separated,
I and u never could be one that's what reflected,
U had Ur priorities and u had Ur decisions,
I had my thoughts my love and some reasons...
Part VI
At the court Swarna was dressed in a gorgeous sky blue colour saree with cap sleeve blouse and matching small hand bag. Swarna knew Virat loved when she would dress like this, hair open nicely ironed, dash of makeup and mascara. Swarna looked pretty and there was no tension in her mind. No confusion. When Virat saw her he was a bit taken back. The numb pain was making him feel uneasy. He didn't want to cry , he didn't want to react and he didn't want to look at her beautiful self, he didn't want to remember the beautiful moments, he didn't want to know she looks happy, he didn't want to see he is in pain, in some shattered state while it was she whom he had felt be going through such feelings and emotions. Virat was confused about the numb pain in him. What was it? Was it love for her? Was it anger for her? Was it jealousy that she is happy and content with divorce? He wasn't sure. Confused about the numb pain he entered and sat in the court room.
U r looking pretty as ever,
Wanting to look at u and smile,
I will divorce u I know,
But how can u go alone without me for miles,
I feel u shouldn't be able,
or should I feel u can that scares me,
I am in confused state of mind,
I feel leaving u happy I cant also be…
Swarna and Virat later walked ahead to read out why they want divorce and do they want a divorce from each other actually. Virat had filed for divorce so he was the first one to give his reason and his stand. Virat came confused and wondering what and how to say things to show his side clear and right… there was pain but not deep... it was weird tensed feeling.. May be ego saying he can't be wrong so what's big deal to prove what's right…
I am right I know I am sure,
I can't be wrong brunt u have to bore,
Divorce I am giving u now hear what I have to say,
U were wrong and the price u should pay...
Virat said that he has all his life from childhood seen his parents, sisters doing lot for him, and have sacrificed so much for his sake. He can never ever feel unaffected if someone hurts them. Marrying Swarna she from initial stage itself didn't want to get close with his parents and sisters. Sisters have never ever felt they don't belong here and are concerned love their parents and him. If they come take parents care and know what medicine to give Swarna always felt they were interfering.. He said if Swarna wants only Virat and she should be in the house with none around that can never happen. Wanting him to be far away from his loved ones is never a matured thinking but a selfish act. With her selfishness she spoilt the atmosphere of the house and slowly from been a quite woman started changing with rude remarks and insulting his family members which he can never tolerate. He is afraid that his children may also learn these things from her when they stay in the house. There is love in his heart for her but she pushed her selfishness to such limits that he felt hurt why he even loved her.
U woman can't like men who listen to his parents ever,
U dictating and others following u feel that's clever,
Family I live in is beautiful to the core,
U couldn't realize its value and made things sore…
Swarna looked at him and she was hurt but she was silently listening. Her parents were stunned and felt Virat is saying things where anyone could feel Swarna is at fault and they wondered what would Swarna say to show her side of the issue. They wondered she would?
Virat continued, he doesn't drink, smoke, as been loyal to Swarna and has no bad habits. The only habit which irritates Swarna was his duty towards his parents and sisters. Swarna has not understood 30 years his parents have taken care and why should he not be concerned about his parents or his sister and their children. He can afford so why he should not.
Virat said, he wants a Divorce as he cant see Swarna changing her attitude and has become too rude harsh to his family and in the end his parents are getting physically mentally ill. Virat said his parents have never physically tortured or verbally abused her ever… In such a cultured house when Swarna cant understand anyone and has reasons to feel they r against her what can he do but Divorce her to make her know to reach outside world and understand how much ill treatment other families give to their daughter in law and here Swarna is unhappy with the silliest things. She doesn't deserve whatever he wants to give her or gave her.
No bad habit u see to point fingers at me,
Loyal to u and os many things proud to be,
My elders in family are the same,
U couldn't gel and always had them to blame…
Virat said and sat in his seat. He somewhere felt whatever he said is 100% true and correct what will Swarna say now?… he now felt the numb pain he had to ease a little.. The confidence he had when he decided to Divorce her was getting lost was again building up…and he felt whatever he is thinking is right. His family too knew he had spoken properly without any wrongful statement.
Swarna went ahead and started saying She has got married into a family very descent, cultured and close knitted. In the family each member loves another with love pouring out from every corner and side. Swarna said her in-laws adore their son and they love Virat to no bounds.
Oh love u can see in every corner of the house,
Each ones life is a open book there,
I came into this house and observed the love,
Searched for a door to open immense love for me here…
Swarna continued with a deep breathe, " I know when I got married I was wanting to become part of this family and make myself also a part of the love and affection everyone had for each other here. I was feeling its easy and I can have it. I am silent, cultured myself as well, patience I have and I never felt the need to be rude or harsh to anyone. I felt it was easy and sad part is it was difficult actually. I got married made adjustment and slowly made compromises as I was new to the family. I was called new member into the family even when I was 2 years into the family. My sister in laws love their parents they come here take care of them, I adore that side but I felt I should take up this responsibility myself and felt to know and engage myself into how they take care, they never allowed me to accompany them to doctor . For every medicine everything my in-laws called up their daughters and when I asked them that U explain me I will .. My sister in laws felt I was taking their place or was not happy with them coming to the house. It was not the case but they assumed and I don't question much.. So they kept questioning I kept answering but they never were content with whatever I said.
I was new I was new oh when I would be said
Among one of them,
I was trying I was wanting but my attempt made
Nothing but decisions to which I bend…
My support to know to make them come closer to me was my husband Virat but he knew everything before I could inform him, from the perspective that my sister in law or in-laws projected to him. He never gave me any support but asked me to be quite and let things be as they are. I agreed to his advice and nothing ever changed. To the smallest of family issues my opinion, my views never ever were asked considered be it the school my daughter should get into.. It was before hand planned by my sister in law, who has children and I better in decision making they said. My in-laws felt I always went against what they said but I was wanting to at least for once take decision about my child but I was been rude if I told that. My role in the family became close to furniture in the beginning which I knew but I felt that was the best way to be
In the start it was good to understand observe things I felt,
I respected all loved husband most and didn't feel I would repent,
I slowly knew I was made to feel less important n clever,
My family my life but every decision someone else was the maker...
And with children it became close to a nanny who took care of children and that's her duty and nothing more or less was I supposed to say or do. I was among one of them but their discussions made me feel a loner, not once my husband ever supported me or my stand. He was open to all to reveal our close door fights and I was questioned by people who would never sort it out in the family. Before coming here this month I stayed in my husband's house as a nanny and I was happy everyone there was happy too with how I was. That's the state they like me to be in. No need to express ur views on any family matters no need to ask no need to know anything.. Just look after the children… I went as a nanny to realize that was right and I proved myself that it was the case.. My husband will surely know it atleast now…
Hearing this Virat and his family understood the reason she worked as nanny for this month. They knew she was right.
As a nanny I can't stay there,
As a wife I can't always bear,
To be loved less and questioned more,
Not been trusted assured of love anymore…
Swarna continue that she loves her husband and always wanted his support and love in the family but he was a great son and a great brother and wants to be a great uncle in his family but sad part is he never wonders about been a good husband and a good father. She pointed out that asking for divorce when our son was in the womb made her realize he even couldn't wait for the birth of the son to hurt her. She told this with utmost pain in her heart. Swarna said, she was lonely, she was helpless and she would be broken if she stayed for more time in the family. Her trust is lost, promises are broken and her sacrifice never was considered in front of the huge sacrifices done by others. She was an outsider and she may feel like one in her married life. Swarna said she is selfish to love her children more she can't be like her husband who is great to love his children and nephew equally. Swarna said she is selfish to have trusted only her husband and couldn't be as great as her husband to have trusted his parents and sisters more than anyone else. She said Virat is having all good habits he isn't a bad person but love and support has to be felt and not an image which can be built or practiced. Wanting love and support are pillars to progress journey as life partners and here partners sound itself comic… they were never partners.. She was a small part in his life… and he was the only aspect of her life…The priorities itself r different… so routes too.. She said marriage is about compatibility and comparisons with her and her sister in laws she never could compete… so she failed and her relationship too.
Selfish u said, I am I am I say and proud to be,
My children I love them I know only them I got to be,
Entered this family and left mine behind,
I couldn't find one here and u didn't mind…
Swarna said in the end… with some pain inside her… I didn't ask for divorce.. I still loved Virat… he asked for divorce when I least expected him to. I think he hurt me enough and I lost my patience too. I love my children and they would see me broken, confused and depressed if I stay in there and feel neglected and seem just a nanny in my own house. I better be separated and stay as Swarna. I agree to the divorce and I will try my best to stand on my feet to afford the expense of my children as well.. Still my husband can give money for them in an account. I have decided to trust myself before trusting what anyone else says or does. Divorce I agree to it…
Not actually happy to end it here,
Divorce I agree to give it to u here,
Separation may help me know myself better,
Guide me the way to little happiness later..
Virat was numb and his throat was dry as if so many things were consumed into him. So many things now he is realizing... so many emotions he has hurt and so much he should have understood.. The line that she no more trusts him…and she use to trust only him ..Made his heart heavy with guilt. He knew she would be able to take care of Vedika alone if he had not pushed her to have another child…he was a bit confused about things.. Signing some papers in the court he looked at her.. And she looked at him… She stopped her tears not to flow as somewhere pain was evident in the way the heart starts taking her to the start of the marriage itself. Virat looking at her was more broken… and for the first time even his eyes went wet… he showed her the pain in his eyes wanting her to realize he isn't that heartless. Swarna was now not trusting his intentions though… she looked away and went from there. Virat's heart was heavy with confused emotions and his parents' sisters came saying. he should have waited for some more time before going through divorce and Virat got angry... he rudely pushed their hand off as they tried to console him. Soon the little walk through the lane… made him to cry inconsolable... no one around and he can freely cry at his immaturity. What he had and what he did was not going to change.. With feeling suddenly evolving he wanted his family back. His wife and children …
Feeling as u took me to some unseen memories,
I knew saw them before but realized its perspectives anew,
I was egoistic feeling proud I was good always,
Guilty somewhere that cant define any support that I ever gave u..
Few days of suffocation and guilt Virat went through and he called up Swarna asking her they should not go through the final draft of divorce. Swarna said why is he repenting his decision when she is agreeing to it. Not to make her get back from where she had started of.. Believing him, trusting him and getting to derive just loneliness.. Living far away feeling lonely is better to handle… instead of living in the same house and feel neglected, disinterested and least bothered for each other. She said he has tasted only few of the emotions she went through. Virat asked her forgiveness and started crying.. It was the way she use to cry every time in front of Virat but now the tables were turned around. Swarna said let things go as they are.. Even if he takes back the divorce paper. She will not stay with him.. Separately let him understand and let her understand things.. and slowly somewhere if solutions are reachable they could only then stay together. Virat was impatient he wanted her in the house but Swarna now rigid with her stand.
Things were complex in the relationship. Divorce taken back but both staying separately. A sense of starting life afresh started. Don't know what things turned for them… may be or may be not together.. But the confused numb pain is at both ends. Confusion in relationships makes it complex & complicated. It's not about finding solutions its about making the best efforts in searching for solutions at both then ends which can somewhere bring a cheer into the relationship.
Marriage brought our union as a couple,
Brought us close made love to be unconditional,
We were together in good times and in bad,
Remember to have laughed when we were happy together,
Can't find the same tears when things were not that merrier,
Numb pain of loosing the closest relationship is undefined,
U want u cant U don't and u feel sad it couldn't it wouldn't,
Confused Complex and Contradicting mind and heart becomes,
Happy at times, sad at times and u search for more solutions,
Confused about the numb pain,
Love is inside u want to but u cant gain,
For lifelong the confusion and the pain will remain,
Marriage has every shade dark and light,
Better to hold on to each other closely tight,
Not let the other feel lonely ever,
Be there to share as two souls with one heart ever.
********************************************************************
Here the story ends, I don't know if I could do justice to the story or not. I thought whatever was in my mind and I felt it could turn around. I want to thank my wonderful readers for their support and comments through out this story which made me very happy to post and got immense knowledge sharing with them their thoughts and mine. Thanks to, Surya, Mahak, Seema, Sumaiya, Golu, Jyothi, Sookie & Sri a lot for their continuous suport.
Edited by bhoomikauttam - 15 years ago
Real Estate
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