Once Upon A Bards Verse! - Page 14

I wish that "You" get(s) back soon! :D

Originally posted by: Sookie*

Aaah...Nijal,

I cannot get over this line: "How long is forever"

I don't know but I expected an "us" in the line: World. My lies; Your truth.
I; You.
Just felt a disjointedness in that line.
Or is that my wishful thinking?

Amazing, as usual.

Sookie

😊 yeah! I was debating whether to include or not. 'Cause i didn't want to put it down in whole directness...and neither double it with another line i wrote above...lingering US (it was a flow so i had in mind that i'd already used the possible significance of those two letters). But yeh...i re-read..and agree....i felt some lose connection...and hence i edited :)

thx 😉

A mood as horrible as the one you had in the morn, gets you to write smg like THAT?? Dude, i did miss you, like seriously. Tere creativity ke bouts esay hi saray huay moods main atay :D tu na...mereko aik dum wordless ker deti...and i read this JUST before going off, and all day i was thinking abt it...dude, tu na aik dum mast hai :) where do u come up with stuff like that? and NO, dont even think u can get away with syaing u dun knw nthing abt versing, ALL I KNOW abt it is cuz of you mommaaaayyy :P

Touch my fingers, walk besides me, again
World. My lies;Your Truth. I; You.

These lines, went down in my journal, forever :D

lovya nij...original piece hai tu! *shahid style*

hey nijaL ...

Touch my fingers, walk besides me, again

Ultimately, settling on an absolute & definite US.

NIJAL DUDE!!!! u r impossibly perfect wen it cums to expressing emotions in words..... god it reminds me so many things.... just logged in aftr ages n first thing i SAW is ur verse the link between words or sumtimes the complete lack of it is wat makes it touching.... um simply blabbing nw .. so much happnd here i dun evn wanna think bout it glad just sum things never change NEVER EVER..... huh dun mind i hav a terrible headache n nw since i hav nobody to bug guess who i founfd YOU !!!!!!!!!!!! n yea wat a fantab verse girl lotsa lovveeeeeee.... ur strange soothing impact wen woven into words brings out the very best in u n obviously othrs arnd!

read it, much belated... n yeh, it was, unlike your usual, very CAN-be guessed. i'm guessing that wasn't completely not intentional... and although, there are bits i don't like... there is some i really do.

"Who are you? How long is forever?
Is tomorrow a lingering US?..." is, an easy favorite, for me! specially the lingering us... the forever reminded me of something, tell ya on chat, if you don't guess what!

i think what i don't like, and i'm guessing was ur edited addition, is the second line on US... almost opposite to what sookie said, i thought not having it was the whole idea... in my head that is... the uncertainty of the verse... cause that line, wasn't u... but them, him or her... the last line is u... and that, in my head was meant to be the only not lose, CERTAIN bit... u know? because the verse is ... questioning what u believe is... and they hope for... :) yeh... bas woi line... me didnt want... i'll ignore it :D

and... i think your first line, was one of the best starts ever! its such a catch!! yeh... its the simplest, best-est line here... starting midway a thought, going back to its start when u talk of a mistake, coming back to now, going ahead to renouncing it, following heart... its like going round in circles... with no order, as _____ would ... on such thoughts... yup! the lack of order is great, and that i think wasn't intended with such an explicit idea but just happened...

u said this to aria n i think its cause it works best for u! no conscious thought is ur innate talent :)

mast tha nij! KSerz... :) ... ARE!!

~ still here in US (pun intended) :D

be back!

*edit*

@ Prathi...no more fingers crossed....it is what should be! :P

@ Pebbz... :) luvya too kiddo (at this moment kuch zyada hi 😉) ...how i get these ideas you ask? i open the page...think of the basic (who i want to write about) and then i look all over my room...think of the most cliche n cheest phrases ive heard of...and then think of mother nature :D thats i come up with these pieces :P ( believe me *ksg style*) AND i am SO glad....you didn't mention the third line in the order...BIG SLOPPY KISSES!!!

@ Sunaina...here you again...always glad to read your response! you liked those lines as well...and i am trying to think what could possibly grip the readers on those few lines...😕 (nevertheless....happy you liked)

@ Curvy ....aah! forgotten have we that i NEVER call you aru...but i was SO surprised (and happy) to hear from you...little one! How much i helped others or you i dunno....like i said...something i strongly believe..and wish every1 else do too..😊 Thankaa! for the lovely commento...it means a ton! (*hugs n kisses...bags full back to you*)

@ ash ....thanks! :)

@ nj ...i blamed it on yah cuz u started the whole versing thing in me...and its your comment (next to nobody) whose matters the most ...also cuz we are so US 😉...in thinking this stuff! Yes..it was a big mistake...and bad impulse...grrrr..but i'll live! and 'lingering US' was my personal favorite...

*aahhhhhhhhhhh*

I edited my last verse...again....cause i shouldn't have the first time...! Its almost like i was betraying my own thinking...cause i ALWAYS write what comes to mind...never leaving space for alteration...and i liked this verse....much till now...i feel like spilling milk all over it..(😆 really though)...and erasing its existence from memory ...Yeah....i really should stick to my instincts...😕

AND...

....this ones in attempt to free my poor soul of the sin i committed...😲


Leaving a mark on the lonely finger
Crawling figures in the vivid dreams
Shutting the door in the dwarf's house
Breathing hard, refusing the excess air
I chanced upon my burial ground,
Wilted daisies spawning your presence
Burning pages, erasing the unforgiven
Feeling bruises on body, your flying kisses
I do! my corpse couldn't refuse.....

....i think i deserve a second chance...😉(*nods madly*)

YES! this now is, nijal patel, as i know... and err... don't ;) :D

be back, me too... :)

no that wasn't a reserve... the crap net conked off, duh!

Leaving a mark on the lonely finger ... yayyyy! another winner start :) yes yes yes!!! i can't think of why i never thought of portraying a lonely heart as the obv lonely finger... u know, that possible feeling of what could be there some time hence, or what was sometime back... the depiction was bull's eye!
Crawling figures in the vivid dreams
Shutting the door in the dwarf's house
Breathing hard, refusing the excess air
I chanced upon my burial ground, .... i ddin't think of this much about the crawling line right away, then i read the dwarf doors and it was an image of fairy doors (u seen them? we have some in downtown here... those tiny doors like the size of a footprint in corners of some streets and u bend to open them and they have fairy house simulation inside? so its like a depiction of how fairies have their own world unknown to us, tinier but very much existent... lol meandering though, but i really did think of them!), the breathing hard bit was yes, a line i didn't think much about again... but the burial ground was like the conclusion to all those three lines... it was like wehn i read the crawling line i thought, yeh a dream... but it didn't strike me as one till i read the burial ground... and then i went back re read and i was like... yeh... the dream :))) ... so much for making a belated connection!
Wilted daisies spawning your presence
Burning pages, erasing the unforgiven
Feeling bruises on body, your flying kisses
I do! my corpse couldn't refuse.....

n obviously then this was the nightmare reality of the dream... even though my favorite lines, technically is the white daisies... its that picture of old wilting flowers left by a dear one, for a dear one.... the crawling line and the burial ground were (with dashes in between) such a nice joint!

contrary to what i said on that helpless from a ditcher net call, yeh... i see the big picture now... in fact, there is no further distinction in the lines at all... and i realized only while re writing this comment, which has hence become different from the one i lost in getting DC (lol, yeh all does happen for good, then, eh?)

mast tha! superior to many in a while... ur always pretty good, its only about finding where u outdid the previous times! :)

not-absconding-anymore-hba :P