Hello all!
Okay this has been way too delayed even by my standards considering I started writing this sometime towards the end of September. Or maybe it was October. I don't even remember. Anyhow.. most of us who know anything about VirMan had issues with the last track involving Cancer. I mean lets face it. That month was just completely screwed up thanks to the bad writing and Kushal falling ill and what not. So anyway.. this is an attempt by me to capture VirMan as they could have been through that phase, especially Virat who was pretty much reduced to a table in the background around that time. The OS explores a darker Virat, adds some shades to his love which weren't explored entirely in the show. Some of you might not agree with my perception of VirMan here. I apologize for that beforehand. Honestly I'm not sure what I did here.. I'm still not happy with the whole thing but I decided to post this anyway because I have my exams coming up and they'll be ending sometime in December and that would be just way too late to post this.
This is hardly my first try at writing fiction, this is however my first attempt at writing something on VirMan that goes beyond reviews. If I didn't capture VirMan correctly then please go easy on the chappals and tomatoes. *sheepish*
A few things, the backdrop of this 2-part SS is as follows:
Viren and Jeevika come to the decision of aborting their child. Maanvi has had no potential donors yet.. Yes not even that guy was briefly introduced in the show so no she is not dying in 2 days. They're still searching for a donor when Viren and Jeevika come to this decision. The SS does not exactly see the Cancer track to its very end, it explores the emotional struggle involved more and I hope you all like the attempt.
INDEX
Part 1 - page 1
Part 2 - page 4
VirMan SS: Of Choices And Awakenings
"What I'd do.. To make you stay."
*Its everything you wanted,
Its everything you don't,
Its one door swinging open,
And one door swinging close
Some prayers find an answer,
Some prayers never know..
We're holding on' and letting go.*
Hammers. That's what it felt like, this pounding in his brain. He could feel them ram into his skull now, again and again and again each strike proving to be harder than the last one. But there were no hammers of course. All there was were words, sentences.. voices. Voices that seemed to echo against the walls of the deep, dark abyss he could feel himself falling through, voices that sounded hollowed and distant yet perfectly audible at the same time. They talked about life and death, those voices. Talked of a loss that would be permanent and a gain that was' necessary. But again, there was no abyss and the voices he had heard belonged to individuals that were merely a few feet away from where he stood.
It was outside his brother's bedroom.
As he stood there, still trying to grapple with the quiet horror that had now replaced the initial shock at the very prospect of what he had heard his brother and his sister-in-law talk about, he saw his bhabhi crumble into his brother's arms, who looked up so that their eyes met. He flinched inwardly as he acknowledged the raw pain of sacrifice all but shout through his brother's eyes even as they widened upon seeing him standing in the doorway having heard every word of the conversation that had preceded the embrace. There was something so deep, so painful, so thoroughly and completely tragic about that look. It echoed of a raw kind of pain and he knew he had just glimpsed into the deepest, darkest, most personal part of his brother's soul. He knew his brother well, very well but right then as he stood there he felt like an outsider looking in and it was perhaps the intrusive nature of his presence or the force of that pain or perhaps even a combination of both that made him take a step back.
And then another.
He kept walking, no set destination in mind. All he knew was that he had to get away. Had to find his ground. Something, anything' to break his fall. Because he was still falling. Falling through a darkness that seemed eternal right then. There was no light. No light at all.
His hand reached out and pushed a door open of its own accord and it was only when he saw her face peeking out from underneath the covers did he realize that he was standing in Maanvi's bedroom.
Maanvi. His Maanvi.
Invisible hands seemed to pull him forward as he walked up to her, his manner not much different from that of a man trapped under a spell. The darkness was thinning, he could see now. Could see her.
He blinked then, his mind finally waking up to the fact that he wasn't falling anymore. He could feel the ground again; feel the pull, the gravity that connected his soul to hers.
Of course he wasn't falling anymore. She'd never let him fall.
Ironically enough, he felt his knees give away then and he all but fell to the floor instead.
He didn't wince but merely continued to look at her.
She was beautiful. So completely, thoroughly, utterly beautiful.
"I love you." He couldn't help but whisper. It was hardly the first time he had said it, but right then as he saw her sleeping, it suddenly seemed crucial.
As he observed the rise and fall of her chest, her breathing regular, an unbidden thought crept into his mind.
What if she wasn't there to catch him anymore? What if she wasn't there to guide him away from the darkness?
Maanvi was dying. She was dying. Her heart was still beating, but its beats were numbered, she was breathing now but Virat knew' he knew that every day that she woke up to, every time she smiled at him, every time she looked at him with that softness in her eyes and the quiet worship that would always creep into them was nothing short of a miracle.
Whenever he'd watch over her as she slept he couldn't help but be terrified. What if she were to never wake up? What if the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest were to stop completely and she would no longer be breathing? The very thought of it kept him up at nights, and there were moments when his fear, his terror would take over every bit of hope that he had always held onto and he'd feel like he had lost her already. He could feel that fear flow inside him like acid, burning him up and leaving him hollow and devoid of that staunch faith that he had always held onto.
He had always believed so strongly and completely in the fact that she'd live that he had never even let himself consider the fact that she might not. He tried to shut it out now as well and push it away but the image forced itself into his mind anyway.
It was Maanvi, his Maanvi. But then it wasn't. She looked' different.
Still. Lifeless.
And suddenly there was no warmth but only a dreadful kind of cold. There was no light but only darkness'. Darkness that had no end to it. There were no paths, no roads to take only meaningless wanderings. And there was no love, no pain, no hope, no fight' only a hollow kind of emptiness that was more terrible and more horrifying than even the deepest of pains. He couldn't see, couldn't feel, couldn't hear.
He was dead. There was no other word for it. He was simply' dead.
"No."
No. He wasn't ready to live this nightmare. He wasn't going to let her fade away like that. She had to stay. She had to.
He didn't know when the tears had slipped from within his heart and into his eyes, didn't know when his breathing had turned raw and shallow and so thoroughly difficult. His vision blurred as the tears simply flowed, refusing to stop. He couldn't see her now' but he had to.. He had to see her' he hastily rubbed at his eyes at that and she was still there. She was still alive.
He willed himself to breath at that. But how was Virat to breath when Maanvi's breaths were limited?
How was he to live with her so close to death? He had promised her hadn't he? That he'd let nothing happen to her? And she in turn had promised him that she'd live, that she'd never leave him. Not in this life.
He had promised her so many things. He had promised how he'd fulfill all her dreams; how her beauty would never fade away, how he'd never let her fall.. But most of all he had promised her life. He'd promised her that she'd live.
Those promises came back to him now, they started as whispers' soft, barely audible so that he strained to hear them' but then they grew louder and louder.. He could hear them now, perfectly so. But they didn't stop there, no they simply increased until they were nothing short of screams in his head, screams that made his head hurt and clawed at his insides, screams that simply refused to go away even as he clutched at his head, his entire body trembling with the force of those vows, willing them to die down, to go away, to leave him alone..
And then all was quiet.
Too quiet. It reminded him of the cold, hard silence that comes with death.
He couldn't break those promises. He had to take care of her. He must take care of her. He couldn't let her go like that. She'd live even if he had to force life into her.
But at what price? A voice whispered in his head.
A life for a life?
He stilled then as he remembered what he had heard earlier.
Maanvi's life in exchange of a child's who didn't even know what being alive felt like.
Was it fair? Of course it wasn't.
It was hateful and cruel and so terribly wrong but it was the only chance Maanvi was going to have at living a full life.
And he wanted, needed her to live.
He stood up now to sit beside her on the bed and took her hand in his own, pressing a soft kiss against it.
She had broken down into his arms once, begging, pleading with him to save her. She had told him that she wasn't ready to die then, that she wanted to live with him, be with him.
"Is it really so wrong if I want the same Maanvi? Is it really so hateful of me to want to love you and live my life with you?" He whispered softly. "I need you to live Maanvi. If all else perished and you remained than I would still continue to be. But if all else remained and you were annihilated then the universe would turn into a mighty stranger. I would not be a part of it." The words slipped out of their own accord. He remembered them to be from a book he had read a long time ago. He had appreciated their beauty even then but it was only when he gazed into the face of the woman who had captured his heart and made it her own in a way that she owned his soul, did he understand what the writer had really meant.
His love for Maanvi had only grown from the day he had realized of its presence, had realized what that crazy, impulsive girl who had fascinated him from the day he had laid eyes on her really meant to him. She had been the first brush stroke of color on the otherwise gray, barren canvas that his life was and she'd also be the last, she had put him back together and made him stand, she had led him into the light and helped him make peace with his past and in doing so he had fallen in love with her only to realize that she might never have a future. She had become his purpose then, his reason to pick himself up further and he hadn't merely wanted to take care of her but needed to. It was the only way he knew how to fight that terrible, terrible darkness that had somehow managed to seek her out and forced itself on her, on them and he had embraced that path, that ray of light in the hope that she'd live. That hope, that strength to fight and that need to take care of her had gone onto consume Virat Vadhera in a way that he had lost his entire sense of self without even realizing it, it had begun to own him in a way that it had become the only thing he lived for, cared for. He had shut the doors to his own pain so that all that mattered to him was her agony, had turned his back on each and every one of his own needs except one.. The need to see Maanvi happy and whole and alive.
It was the same need here.. The same need. But it wasn't so simple anymore. There was a price this time. A cruel one. Her life in exchange of something much too innocent, much too pure. It wasn't right. None of it was. He'd always lived life based on a certain set of values and principles and when it had come to picking Maanvi over the rest of the world he had always picked Maanvi. Not because he was in love with her or in the name of some flimsy attraction but because she was usually right. And perhaps somewhere he had done it because he needed to protect her. She had been his light, his hope. She had made him see that it was okay to live life on your own terms and in your own way. When he had protected her, he had perhaps protected that hope too that had come into his life after so long. He hadn't wanted life to defeat her spirit like it had defeated his. He hadn't wanted her to become him. But what now? There was no black and white here, only shades of gray. There was no real choice here. All there was was cruelty because in the end somebody had to die.
You could let her go' The voice whispered.
No. No he couldn't.
Another voice had woken up in his head. It was firm.. Almost fierce.
He wasn't going to let her die. He simply wasn't.
Even if she'd hate you for it?
Yes.
Because she'll have the will to do so.
Because she'll be alive.
Yes. Yes she would be. He still loved her in a way he had never loved anyone else, still needed to protect her from anything and everything that might hurt her but as he looked upon her face Virat knew that there was something different about it this time, something different about his love, about his obsession to keep her happy and alive, about all of him really. He could feel the change, could feel the love that had always been so full of light turn a shade darker, turn selfish, turn ugly. He felt an inward shudder then, and his grip on her hand tightened.
"You're not dying." he breathed out slowly, his choice made.
The next thing he knew he had leant down to press a rough kiss against her forehead, tears falling out of his eyes as he did so, she stirred then but he didn't notice and merely pressed a kiss equally rough and yet utterly soft at the same time against her eyes, before grazing his lips against her cheeks. The tears persisted as he continued to press his lips against her face, whispering his love against her skin as he did so. He had no idea what he was doing, he didn't even know why he was crying, he simply felt the need to if that made any sense at all and the only thing he knew right then was that he had to save Maanvi.. He loved her.. He loved her and he wasn't going to let her go, selflessness be damned.
He didn't know when she woke up, didn't know when she raised her hands and touched his face gently and it was only when she whispered his name did he stiffen and looked into her eyes which were now open.
"Virat?"
"I' I'm sorry' I just.." He said, straightening up.
"Virat.."
He stood up now, rubbing hastily at his eyes in an attempt to hide his tears but he knew she had already seen them.
"Do you need something? Let me get you some water." He said, in an attempt to avoid the questions that he knew she'd have. She didn't say anything but when he turned to leave, her hand took hold of his and she tugged gently.
"Sit with me." She said quietly.
His free hand went onto tighten into a fist at that, his body tensing briefly. She sensed that perhaps because she tugged again, grazing her thumb against his hand in a gesture that was strangely soothing.
He obeyed quietly and sat down beside her. She pushed herself up into a sitting position and simply looked at him while he looked to the floor unable to meet her eyes for some reason.
"Look at me Virat." She said.
He swallowed once before doing exactly that, wondering how much of the truth could she read into his eyes.
But it was not the truth that reflected in his eyes right then as Maanvi looked at him. It was love and pain and fear, all of it revolving around the singular most important aspect of his existence. Maanvi.
"You don't have to be so strong all the time Virat." She said softly.
"Wh.. What?" He asked, the surprise evident in his tone.
"You. Virat. You don't have to be so strong, so perfect all the time."
He looked away again at that.
"I.. I don't know what you're talking about." He said. The lie might have been effective if his voice hadn't gone completely hoarse.
He cleared his throat once and looked at her again to see her smiling sadly at him.
"Won't you share it with me Virat?"
"Share what?"
"That you're scared. That you're absolutely terrified of losing me."
"I'm not going to lose you." He said automatically.
"You don't know that."
He felt his temper quicken at that.
"Shut up Maanvi."
"I'm dying Virat."
"I said, shut UP!"
He was standing up now, breathing heavily, trying to control the anger that was threatening to take over even as his eyes teared up again.
"Virat.."
Her voice was soft, far too soft for someone he had just yelled at and when he looked into her eyes he couldn't help but wince inwardly at the quiet understanding in them.
"I'm' I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."
"Why won't you share it with me Virat?"
"I share everything with you Maanvi."
"Not your fear. Not your pain."
He sat back down beside her.
"What do you want from me Maanvi?" He asked, suddenly feeling resigned and so' so tired.
"I want you to let go Virat. I want you to tell me everything."
She took his face in her hands and wiped his tears away and he couldn't help but place his hands over hers perhaps hoping for some of her love, her strength to slip inside of him and guide him away from his pain. She reached up to press a kiss against his forehead and he swallowed and closed his eyes as he felt her lips brush against his skin, her touch being so full of the light and colors of love that he couldn't but feel it push away at some of the darkness that consumed him right then.
She smiled as she saw that he had his eyes closed, his face now devoid of the tortured look it had bore earlier and placed her forehead against his. Her fingers continued to caress his face and the subtle note of tenderness and love that motion managed to carry couldn't help but remind him of the relief one might seek under the shade of a tree, or the solace that comes with an embrace or even just the soothing touch of the wind when it fills your senses and all you can do is breath into its presence and allow yourself to let go.
"It's okay Virat." She said softly.
"Its okay for you to cry, it's okay if you are scared.. There's nothing wrong with fear. What's wrong is that you put up a facade of strength everyday for my sake alone, what's wrong is that you deny your heart the need to express that fear and that pain that consumes you by day and haunts you by night, its okay if you aren't so strong all the time. It's okay to be weak.. I am your strength aren't I Virat? Then don't you trust me enough to pick you up when you allow yourself to fall apart? Let me pick you up Virat. Let me take care of you.. Let me love you."
Her words seemed to ease him inside of him like they had a life of their own; he could feel them' feel them fingering at his heart in an attempt to heal him of his pain. His eyes were still closed so he couldn't see her face.. he didn't need to. She was inside him, a part of him, of his soul. All he could hear right then was the sound of her voice falling gently against his ears and all he could feel right then was her presence, strong and beautiful and consuming him in a way that if he were to try and discern how much of his soul was his own and how much of it was hers then he'd be lost.. Simply lost. There was no him or her' there was only them. Them and their love. The rest of the world didn't exist, didn't matter.
A solitary tear made its way down his face as he felt that love, felt her. He had always offered her his hand.. he could see her do the same now; she wouldn't break if she'd see him fall.. She'd only help him stand. She had done so once hadn't she? She was giving him that chance again, a chance to be free. Free of his demons, his pain and his nightmares and in order to do that she was forcing him to break today so that she could gather him up as a stronger man. That faith, that need of her to see him strong and whole again struck him as beautiful. Beautiful enough to cause something within him to crumble, one last wall, one last barrier perhaps behind which he had always caged his fear and embrace her, embrace her strength, her love.
Maanvi couldn't help but smile as Virat pulled her to himself in a hug that was so tight, it was almost painful.
"I can't lose you Maanvi." He managed to get out as he all but crushed her into his arms, perhaps driven by the notion that if he held her close enough, tight enough than she couldn't possibly fade away.
"You won't Virat. I promise you.. I promise you I won't give up. I won't lose. I'll win this Virat.. You'll win.. We'll win."
"You promise?" He asked, his voice so full of blind hope and trust that Maanvi couldn't help but cry even as she rubbed his back in an attempt to comfort him.
"Yes I promise."
She didn't know why she was lying to him; they both knew her chances of actually living through this were next to zero at the moment. What she did know was that she had to drag him into the light even when there was no light at all. He was her Virat. The darkness couldn't take him. Not today. Not when she was still alive.
"I'm scared Maanvi.. Terrified. I.. I won't be able to do it Maanvi. I won't be able to live without you." He said in a hoarse whisper. He had never felt so raw, so exposed, so utterly vulnerable as he did now when he let her hold him, when he let himself cry. And yet when he felt her kiss the side of his head, felt her rub his back and simply hold him close, her presence alone being more comforting than anything else, he knew that he would never really fall, not even if he shattered into a million pieces right then. She had been right. He could trust her. She'd pick every last piece of his soul and complete him.
"Maanvi.. please. Please don't leave me. Stay here with me. Just.. stay. I can't live without you. I just can't." His entire body shuddered with the force of his need for her to do exactly that as it ripped his soul apart. It was strange. When even the most trivial of things break they tell the world about it, but when the most important aspect of your existence, your soul, is crushed there is no noise. Only silence.
"Your Virat will die Maanvi. He'll die."
Maanvi didn't know whether to cry with him or to be angry with him. She knew that his soul was in pieces right then even as she fought to control that white, hot anger that had risen within her at his words. But being angry with him was not going to help matters, help him. Instead she had to make him understand that dying was not an option he had as far as she was concerned. He'd live even she'd have to force him to. There had been times when he too had forced her to live. She needed to do the same now. Her anger faded away at that and she eased out of the embrace. He let her go, suddenly feeling hollow and incomplete at the detachment when she took his face in her hands again making him look at her.
"Listen to me Virat..You'll live okay? Nothing is going to happen to you. Nothing. Promise me Virat. Promise me that you will take care of yourself. That you'll be happy. That you'll live. Please Virat." He saw the urgency, the pain in her eyes yet for once he could not give her what she needed. How could he when he wasn't capable of it? When it wasn't in his hands?
"I.. I can't Maanvi." He said tearing his eyes away from her.
She felt a sharp constriction in her chest at his words and it was as though he had killed her already.
"But.. but Virat.."
"I won't be able to do it Maanvi." He said, his voice turning firm as he looked at her again.
Maanvi met his gaze and she knew that he meant it. But she still couldn't.. couldn't let him die. She had to save him. Had to save some part of herself so that he'd continue to live. Just the thought of something happening to him because of her had her insides crying in pain as a sense of sheer terror took over and she couldn't help but pull him close to herself now as her breath quickened and her eyes grew moist. Her fingers dug into his back her desperation, her need to save him matching his own now as they held on to each other, fraught with the need to protect and love the other person. He knew he had hurt her with his words, but he couldn't lie to her about this. She had to know, she had to understand how she really did own him, how she was him at the end of the day.
"You said you are my shadow once didn't you?" She whispered quietly after a while.
"I'll be your shadow too Virat. I'll tread every path that you will, I'll live every moment that you will, loving and protecting you. How can I die when you are alive?"
Something inside Virat finally broke at that. It was perhaps that last bit of him that still knew that what his brother and his sister-in-law wanted to do was too wrong, that Maanvi's life came at a price that was too huge. It broke because Virat didn't want Maanvi's shadow. He wanted her. All of her. And he wasn't going to let her go so easily. He couldn't.
His eyes were still wet but he was no longer crying and if she could have seen them right then, then she would have seen the darkness flicker in their depths like a small, raw fire.
"Yes, you'll be alive." He whispered quietly.
He pulled her closer to himself at that, but there was something different about the embrace now. It spoke of purpose and not need and resonated with the decision he had finally come to.
Maanvi was going to live, even if she'd hate him for it.
He was betraying her, he knew he was but he had no choice. His love wasn't perfect, he wasn't perfect.. Nothing in this world ever was after all and if he had to embrace this darkness within him to make her live then he'd do so. He'd do anything.. Anything at all to make her live.
"I love you." He said quietly, because it was true and because he needed something to be true between them.
"I love you too." She said.
And I'm sorry.
Because he was' He had not become so cold as to not feel a certain amount of guilt. He wasn't that far gone. He tried to tell her that when he crushed her to himself again.. Tried to tell her how completely sorry he was for betraying her in a manner he had never imagined to. Even in their betrayal they had to be different. He was betraying her, lying to her because of his simple need of her to live. It was ironic really that all those promises, those vows he had taken would require of him to betray the very person he had made all those promises to if they were to be fulfilled.
He detached himself from her at that.
"You'll be alright." He said, taking hold of her face in his hands.
She couldn't help but smile at his words, her heart glad to see him strong and whole again. She had stopped him in an attempt to make him confess his fears, to force him to embrace his need to break and to gather him up again and here he was now, once again firm in his purpose and giving her reason to hope again. What had begun with him was ending with her. They had always been like that hadn't they? She would perhaps never entirely understand what she shared with him. She simply knew for it to be sacred and beautiful, heartbreakingly so and she wasn't ready to let that go. Let him go. She wanted to live with him too much to accept death easily.
"Yes I will be. I won't leave you Virat. I won't. Miracles.. Miracles happen right? You're my miracle Virat' Your love will make me stay. I will never leave you. Somebody has to be around to drive you up the wall anyway."
He laughed weakly at that and she grinned.
"You should get some rest now." He said.
He made to get up but she only stopped him again.
When he looked at her questioningly she simply met his eyes and he understood what she meant and smiled at her softly before settling down on the bed.
She lay down next to him, her head coming to rest on his chest. He put an arm around her, his fingers going to play with her hair gently and she snuggled against him as a sense of peace enveloped her.
"I love you." She murmured.
"I love you too."
She smiled when he pressed a kiss on her forehead and before she knew it she had drifted off to into a deep, untroubled sleep leaving Virat to his thoughts until he too, fell asleep.
~****~****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~
Viren Vadhera knocked against the door to his brother's room. When there was no answer he pushed it open only to find it empty.
Maybe he was in Maanvi's room, he thought. He needed to talk to Virat. Needed to explain to him the necessity of the step they were going to take. He made his way to Maanvi's room to find the door slightly ajar. Virat had to be in there.
He knocked quietly but again there was no answer. Hesitantly he looked inside to find the two fast asleep, wrapped in each other's arms. As he looked at Virat's face and the protective hold he had on Maanvi despite being fast asleep he knew what his decision was.
It was odd, surprising him even.. Virat was choosing to side with them yet somewhere that decision.. hurt. Had Virat really given no thought to his brother and Jeevika? Had it really been that easy? He knew Virat loved Maanvi in a way few would understand, knew that ultimately he would have picked Maanvi over everything else.. He had too after all when she was merely his sister-in-law but some small, selfish part of him had perhaps hoped that Virat would at least try and stop them, that Virat would understand the pain that his brother was going through. Maybe he did.. He hadn't talked to Virat after all.
Wiping away his eyes at that, he closed the door and walked away.
~****~****~*****~*****~*****~*****~*****~
Laughter. That was all he could hear. He knew this.. Knew this sound. It was his brother laughing. He was happy.. So happy at the prospect of becoming a Father. He could see his brother's face now; see the tears in his eyes.. Tears of happiness.. his brother had always wanted to be a Father.. He couldn't help but smile too now. It felt so good to see his brother happy..
The dream changed.
It was his brother again. But he wasn't alone. A child was with him. He had never seen his brother so happy as he was now while playing with the child.
Aryan, he called him.
"Why are you standing over there Virat?" Viren called out, upon noticing him.
"Come here, come and look what Aryan's doing."
Virat smiled as he approached the child, he was barely 6 months old yet his grip on his Father's hands was already strong. He resembled his brother a lot. Virat fingered his chin lovingly at which the child turned to look at him before reaching out for his hands instead.
He told hold of them, all the while marveling at how small they looked in his own.
And so beautiful..
A little bundle of joy and love'
"He's ignoring me already." Viren complained and Virat laughed.
"First your Mother, now you.." He muttered as Virat only laughed harder.
"You love them both anyway." Virat teased.
"Of course I do." Viren said, smiling softly at Aryan now.
"You're even more hopeless than me Bhai." Virat said, trying to maintain a straight face.
Viren hit him at that, forgetting that Aryan had been holding onto Virat so that when Virat stumbled Aryan lost his balance as well and fell to the floor..
The child's cries filled Virat's ears, he simply looked on as Viren lifted him up in his arms immediately in an attempt to console him trying not to look too guilty for hurting Aryan. He reached out to tell his brother that it had only been an accident.. That it wasn't his fault' he should have been more careful instead'
The dream changed again.
Maanvi laughed as Virat pulled her to himself, putting a stop to her attempt at running away.
"So as I was saying.." He began.
"Virat?"
Viren's voice filtered into the room and Virat looked up, going completely still as he saw his brother's face.
"Yes Bhai?" He asked.
"Dada ji's calling us in the study."
"Okay, Bhai."
Viren turned and walked away but Virat didn't move. This wasn't his brother. His eyes.. his eyes had never looked so wounded and dead at the same time. He had seen that look before..
And then he remembered the time when he had seen his brother and his bhabhi cry for the child they were never going to have because they needed to keep Maanvi alive..
It was that same look, that same pain..
It wasn't just the child that had died then. Somewhere his brother had died in the process too.
He could feel the pain he had seen in his brother's eyes fill him from within now, fill him in a way that he wanted to run from it but the harder he tried the faster it seemed to consume him..
He couldn't run, couldn't hide' and all he could see was his brother's eyes and know that he could have put a stop to it all.. And yet.. And yet he had let it happen' had needed it to happen..
It was that knowledge that was his curse. And he couldn't do anything about it.
Virat woke up with a start. He was breathing heavily as if he had just run a marathon. What had he been running away from?
He stared at the ceiling as his surroundings came in focus. He was in Maanvi's bedroom. They had fallen asleep.
He looked at her and she was still fast asleep. Unlike him, her world was untroubled. Well in a manner of speaking anyway..
And then the dreams came back to him.
And slowly.. so did the horror, the pain..
He had been so consumed by the thought of saving Maanvi that he had barely given any real thought to anything else. Maanvi was and Maanvi would always be the center of his world.. For a long time now all he had known and understood was her, saving her..
He had never given any thought to anything else.. Or anyone else for that matter.
He had never cared. Because there hadn't been the need to think about anything else had there?
But there was now. He had come to a decision a few hours ago; he had picked Maanvi yet again because he he'd always pick her, he'd always choose her. But had he really given no thought to the other people involved in this? Was he really so far gone to not think about his brother at all? His pain? His loss?
He loved his brother. And here he was completely okay with the fact that in order to save Maanvi, his brother would have to loose something incredibly precious to him. And what about Jeevika Bhabhi? He knew she loved Maanvi, that she would do anything to save Maanvi.. they all would but she was still a Mother. She had chosen to kill that part of herself in order to save Maanvi. Both his brother and his sister-in-law had choked the life out of the parents that they were going to become for this.. their own child.. And he hadn't thought of that. Hadn't thought about them.
Disgust filled him now. It overpowered his mind and his heart in waves that seemed to wipe out everything else. It was everywhere.. simply everywhere and in that moment Virat Vadhera hated himself. It consumed him.. That disgust and that hatred.. like it was something alive.. he could feel it move within him even as he tried to breathe.. It was a kind of blackness that was darker than anything he had ever felt before. There was no room.. No room for anything else.. It was all he could feel right then, it was all he was right then as it dragged him down and pulled him in only to come face to face with all the good that he had ever been capable of.
When had his soul become so blackened? Love didn't do that to you. Love couldn't possibly be that ugly. No love wasn't dark and selfish and.. And.. repulsive.
No this was not love. This was all him. This was the kind of cruelty he was capable of.
He felt blinded then, in all that hatred. He had to find a way out. He had to get away.
And for once Maanvi couldn't help him. She couldn't help him because he couldn't tell her about it. He couldn't tell her anything.
He got up from the bed, tucked her underneath the covers and walked towards the door, turning once to look at her..
She was his light. Only now.. even she couldn't take him back home.
This was his own battle, his own fight.
With that thought in mind, he closed the door behind him and made his way to his own room.
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That's it! I will be posting the second part in a few days! Looking forward to your feedback on this one. 😊
Maham
