I am glad you guys liked the first part, so here's the second one, a look inside Shravan's head! Do let me know what you guys think :)
Chapter 2 - Confusion Shravan's POV
I didn't know how long I had been laying on my bed, sometime during the night my body had moved itself from the sofa onto the bed, the knocks at my door had went unanswered, I didn't have the energy to get up and answer the questions my family had.
I lay staring at my ceiling trying to process the events of the previous evening and by some miracle I fell asleep amidst my speculation. When I woke up the next morning, things were no clearer, everything felt heavy, my heart, my brain and my stomach. It was like my mind had stopped working all together, I was going through the motions of my daily routine. But after showering I put on my sweats again and my body found its way back to the bed and my eyes found the ceiling yet again like it held all the answers posed by this universe.
Her words were still ringing in my ear, I love you Shravan, she had said the words so confidently. And the rest of her words rang just as loud as that one sentence, but more than that it was the look on her face that was bothering me. She looked so...dejected that it made the painful feeling in my chest get worse, it hadn't stopped since she had left. It was just there, like it was a part of me.
She loves me. Sumo loves me. She knows that I loved her...she thinks I still love her. I know I must have done or said something to indicate as much. Memories come back to me, her constant mention of how I should give my love another chance, her dejected face when I stated that I had moved on, her tears when I was leaving, her constant presence when I thought dad had died, her refusal to leave me alone until I listened to my mother, her role in bringing my family back together, that hopeful look in her eye every time I said something against the guys her family chose for her, and the sad smile on her face when she didn't hear what she wanted to hear.
I didn't doubt that she loved me, she wouldn't have said it otherwise, I knew as much. She was Sumo, the one person that would never lie to me. But was she right? Was I still in love with her? I tried to convince myself so hard over the years that I've moved on. I was in love with her when I was sixteen, but she broke my heart. And then I went away, and got a fresh start in a new place surrounded by people who were like me. At first it was so hard to not think about her. But as the years passed she moved from being a constant scream in my thoughts to a murmur that appeared occasionally. In the first few years I grew taller, more confident, more muscular...people reacted to me differently, girls reacted to me differently. Sometimes, I caught myself thinking about her often and about how she would react to me even though I tried not to. She never tried to contact me as the years went by, and it hurt. But I tried to put it on the back-burner in my mind. It didn't quite work for the first few years, I was home-sick a lot and she was such an integral part of my life back home that I missed her and the smallest things would set me off. A smell would remind me of the food she made me, a word would bring back a happy memory, sometimes I'd catch a glimpse of someone who looked like her and my heart would stop.
I tried so hard to hate her, to forget her but it was easier said than done, and even after my fours years in Oxford, I felt like a part of me still cared for her, but my belief in love had all but evaporated, love wasn't real to me. A product of my life events I guess, the failed marriage of my parents, being betrayed by my best friend...and girls in general, they didn't notice me until I was considered "hot" by their friends, they wanted to be with me because I was good looking but it didn't extend past that. After a while I convinced myself that I was over her, and the only reason I thought about her was because I was angry with her. It made sense to me, I believed it.
But she was right about my actions, my actions screamed the opposite. Even initially, right after I came back I noticed that I was still hyper-aware of her maybe even more than I was at first, but attributed it to our equation. Sometimes I looked at her for too long, but I thought that was because she was different and I was trying to figure her out. I always feel happy around her, but she's my best friend so that makes sense doesn't it?
Her words come back to me, about the guys that I rejected. And I admit that I might have over-reacted, no one is perfect. But for some reason those guys didn't seem right for her. They wouldn't understand that behind that tough exterior is a woman who craves love, a woman who misses her parents, a woman that lives to appease her family, a woman that'll put her whole life on the line for people she loves...they didn't know her. But you had to get to know people, right? No one would know that off the bat.
So why were none of those guys right for her? They were pre-screened by Nana Ji, who obviously had her best interest at heart, so it wasn't possible that all the proposed alliances were bad. Jealous, she said that I was jealous. Was I? I mean it was normal to get angry if someone looked at your best friend for too long, right? it's rude to stare after all. But then again, I probably stare at her longer than any of them did. There was something about the way they were looking at her that irked me, they looked at her like they were attracted to her, which was the way it is supposed to be...but it was annoying.
This train of thought leads me to Googlo, and I can't help but see that I was jealous, as soon as the words "I love you" had left her mouth I couldn't help but feel anger swell up in me. I knew it was stupid because she was just pretending. And then I thought of Varma and how much his words bothered me...but she was my friend so it made sense, right? But I wondered if I would have reacted the same way if it was another woman - I probably wouldn't have.
Then my mind strayed to Deepak and I groaned thinking of my actions. I had grilled him at the Tiwari Villa, asking a million questions that he gave good answers too. Every time he tried to speak to Sumo I had piped up or found a way to interrupt him. When both parties accepted the alliance, my heart had felt weird, of course at the time I thought it was because he wasn't right for Sumo. I even ran a criminal record check on him, and the only things I found were driving tickets and being caught at a rave party...but I still called him and told him to stay away from Sumo. Okay, so maybe I was jealous.
What characterizes jealousy in such a context? Anger, check. Excuses, check. Frustration, check. The thought of Sumo getting married to some guy made my stomach feel weird, and it wasn't because they weren't right for her. Just the thought of someone kissing her or touching her made me angry. Okay, so she was right, I am jealous. But does that mean I want to marry her? I don't even want to get married...
But the question was if I still love her? I had convinced myself that she was just a friend, but was I lying to myself? My mind went back to when I first came back, I couldn't deny that my stomach felt weird when Pushkar said she was excited to see me. And when I first saw her...I was angry at her but I can't deny that seeing her made my heart skip a beat, not only because she was clearly beautiful but because it was her.
Learning that she talked about me to Daboo made me forget that I was angry at her for a few seconds, her embarrassment was endearing. I had a hard time trying to stay angry at her, I had to keep reminding myself to not fall for her charm but it was hard because she had clearly changed for the better. The day that I spent with her, when I was trying to convince her to come to the party, even though I wasn't supposed to enjoy it, I did. It was almost like the old times.
Even amidst my horrible revenge plot, I couldn't deny how beautiful she looked in that dress and the fact that having her close to me and dancing with her felt right somehow. I thought I would feel so much better after avenging myself, but her tears made me feel like absolute crap. I had to hold myself back from apologizing and wiping them away.
When she walked towards me at the Holi Party, I felt like I couldn't breathe for a second, and when she placed that jewellery in my hand and walked away I was itching to call her back. I felt so small when I realized that she had given me her most prized possession, and I wondered how much it hurt her to give it away. When I said yes to Urvashi, a part of it had to do with her, I wanted to see her reaction and I didn't miss how she left or the look on her face.
I stayed back in India to help her because her tears were gnawing my heart, and I couldn't stand the thought of Varma around her, it angered me to no end. And then we fell back into a dynamic that wasn't like our old one, we weren't friends necessarily but we were more than acquaintances. I caught myself staring at her often, but I figured it was due to the changes in her, I was trying to figure her out. She opened up to me and believed in me, and it meant a lot to me. Her unyielding trust in me made my heart swell up with pride.
When she walked into the house and returned Varun's money and gave me all the credit, I wondered why she did it then but now it seemed so clear. This was the new Sumo, the Sumo that stuck by the people she cared for no matter what.
And that moment in my closet, I didn't know what came over me but seeing her react to me the way she did made my heart thump in my chest and it made me feel euphoric. For a minute I was sure I was going to kiss her, but I wrote it off to hormones, she was attractive after all. But maybe it was more than that.
Every time something that indicated I had feelings for her came up I repressed it, labelled it something else. Because that was second nature, I had taught myself to do that or I would have pined over her for years. It worked too. Until today. Looking back now I realize why she would be confused, I was messing with both of our heads.
A knock on my door brought me out of my thoughts, I got up off the bed and unlocked the door before opening it revealing Pushkar with a tray of food. He didn't say anything but strode right into the room and settled himself on the couch before putting the tray on the table. My stomach growled causing me to realize that I hadn't eaten in over 20 hours.
"Are you okay?" Pushkar asked as I sat down on the couch.
"Yes." I answered, it was a lie that he saw through because he rolled his eyes.
"Do you want to tell me what you and Sumo are fighting about now?"
"We're not fighting."
"Sureee."
We eat in silence but I know he's itching for me to give him something because he keeps staring at me like he is trying to figure something out.
"Do you think Sumo and I are more than friends?" The words finally leave my mouth, I can tell that Pushkar is taken aback due to the shock that registers on his face but he nods.
"I have always been skeptic of this just friends line that you seem to love." He answers.
"Why?" I ask because I am confused, I had convinced myself that we were just friends but apparently I was wrong because everything I did and felt screamed otherwise.
"Anyone would suspect it looking at the two of you together for as long as I have." He says. "You two are like two peas in a pod." He shrugs, and I think he notices my confusion because he starts talking again. "Bhaiyaa, the two of you didn't talk for ten years yet kept tabs on the other, you are so tuned with each other that you don't even need to talk to communicate, you were hell bent on going to London but stayed for her, you went against the family for her, she believed in you even when everyone else lost hope, she made sure that your actions didn't cause a rift in the family, you two are constantly finding reasons to spend time together, she takes care of you as if her life depended on it, her presence is the only thing that calms you down, you run to her when shit hits the fan and she does the same with you, she went to great lengths to bring Badi Maa back into your life, you constantly flip shit when another guy is even slightly interested in her, you two literally stare at each other half the time and smile, and there is this ease between the two of you that is much greater than anything between friends, especially those that have been apart for the past ten years. Honestly, you two are like that old married couple that is so in love that everyone is jealous of them."
For the second time in the past 24 hours I try to process a speech that leaves me flabbergasted. I can't deny his words because the seem true and the surety with which he says them makes me question if I am the only one that is out of the loop.
"She said she loves me." I say out loud.
"Oh, so what's the problem?"
"I don't know if I love her."
"Bhaiyaa, are you serious right now?" He groans.
"Why?"
"Okay, say that Sumo gets married to some xyz, you're probably not going to see her as much as you do now, maybe not at all. Can you imagine your life without her constant presence?"
I shake my head no because I can't. She's an integral part of my life even though I've only been back for a few months. I can't imagine not calling her whenever I need to talk to her, or not going to her house to see her. When I imagine things in the future, she's always a part of it. I can't imagine walking around the house and not seeing her walk in that front door, it's already like she's a part of the family, a constant presence that is so normal that no one questions it. I didn't know what I would do if she wasn't around.
"Bhaiyaa, she's going to get married one day, and yeah, you're her best friend, but she's not going to be around like she is now and that's something you can't handle because you imagine your whole life with her, the two of you make comments in the passing that imply that the two of you are going to be like you are right now for the rest of your lives. You need her in your life, you can't live without each other, it's like you're two pieces of a puzzle and if that's not love then I don't know what is. I am just sitting here wondering why you two aren't together already. It's like you're so used to the idea of being together that you two don't realize that you're past friendship."
I look at Pushkar with a newfound respect, I didn't know he was so...insightful. I never realized before that we acted like that, like a couple. "Bloody hell." I whisper because all of a sudden my life makes a lot more sense that it did a few hours ago.
I've never felt more stupid in my life, because how does someone miss something like this? Maybe Pushkar is right, I never realized it because it's always been there, when you fall in love with someone, you feel it happening but when it's been there for so many years it's like a part of you that you don't see unless you want to. And with that revelation, the painful throbbing in my chest slowed down, it was as if my brain and heart were finally working on the same frequency.
"Yaar, you two better get me a hell of a birthday present for this." Pushkar mumbles looking at his phone.
"Thanks Chote." I smile because he just helped solve life's biggest mystery for me, I would have come to the same conclusion eventually, I was more than halfway there but he sped up the process by a few days.
"Go tell her." He says shaking his head like he can't believe that I am so dense.
"Right now?"
"Haan, right now. Someone is going to come see her again today, so-"
"Wait, how do you know?"
"Preeti was whining about how ladke vaale need a life." He mumbles with a fond smile on his face, I want to question him right then but there are other pressing matters on hand.
"I love you man."
"Bhaiyaa, it's I love you Sumo." He teases with a laugh as I walk out of my room.
"Where are you going Shravan?" Maa asks probably taken aback my emergence from my room.
"To do something." I smile as I walk out the front door.
Edited by astonm - 9 years ago
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