Did anyone grow up with abusive Indian parents ?

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SheVi4life

@SheVi4life

Dazzler

+ 3

Posted: 12 years ago

#21

i respect you so much

well done!

i cant even begin to imagine what you've been through. but i would like to share one thing that not all Indian people think like this ur making a generalization. my family is totally Indian and the Indian community i know is not like anything you're saying. but i think im just lucky because there are Indians who think backwardly and find ways to blame women in every situation. So i would suggest not to think like this because it'll make ur recovery harder on you.

one thing that came to my mind was about ur mom. im not attacking her please dont take this personal but i cant believe your mom said that to you. indian or not if a mom cant support and fight the world for her child then i wont even call that person a mother.

also more than 50% of women go through this so ur not alone. not even among Indians!! I hope here on I-F ur perspective changes because so many people would understand and support you here!

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 12 years ago

#22

Hello all,

I would like to thank everyone for their kind responses. Since you all have made this a safe place for me, I would like to share a few things:

I'm willing to accept that there are nice Indian people out there. I have quite a few Desi males that are respectful and protective towards women, but I also read in a blog that nice Indian men are called "joru ka ghulam?" 😲

It's just that my recurring bad experiences from Indian dating/marriage sites were exhausting and frustrating, so I just needed a break. It's not fun going on a date with some guy that turns out to be a groping pervert. It's unfortunate that some of these types try to hunt their prey on matrimonial sites. Respecting boundaries and emotional safety is important to me, whereas my parents want me to get married to some rich old man from India.

Edited by Loving2011 - 12 years ago

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tulipbaby53

@tulipbaby53

Trailblazer

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

#23

Originally posted by: Loving2011
Hello all,

I would like to thank everyone for their kind responses. Since you all have made this a safe place for me, I would like to share a few things:

I'm willing to accept that there are nice Indian people out there. I have quite a few Desi males that are respectful and protective towards women, but I also read in a blog that nice Indian men are called "joru ka ghulam?" 😲

It's just that my recurring bad experiences from Indian dating/marriage sites were exhausting and frustrating, so I just needed a break. It's not fun going on a date with some guy that turns out to be a groping pervert. It's unfortunate that some of these types try to hunt their prey on matrimonial sites. Respecting boundaries and emotional safety is important to me, whereas my parents want me to get married to some rich old man from India.

@ BOLD: No, I've heard any of the nice Indian men being called that. They usually called that if after marriage they are a "Yes, ma'am" to their wife. It's not because they are nice, but it's because according to the people using that phrase, they do not have a backbone. I don't use such phrasing, but that is what it's meant.

Also, online dating and matrimony sites are very dangerous!! My uncle did find his wife from some desi online dating, and she is a wonderful lady, but that does not happen to everyone. Even my cousin found his wife from some desi online dating, but his wife was talking about some of the weirdos she got set up with. I do not think I could do it just because people in this world are hard to trust even if you are friends with them in real life, forget an online encounter. I know though why the went through the desi online dating; to date other Indian people outside their normal group of friend and family friends. Not everyone on there is some creepy pervert, but enough of them are to keep me away from such sites.

If you really want to meet other desis, try getting involved in the local temple. See if in the Indian community if there are other Indian clubs or groups you can be involved in. You can meet some nice people through them in a public arena. I know where I live, there's a group for even desi ladies who have been or are being abused. They get help and support from other ladies leading the group.

Edited by tulipbaby53 - 12 years ago

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 12 years ago

#24

[quote]Also, online dating and matrimony sites are very dangerous!! [/quote]

Tell my parents that! They put my ad on shaadi.com behind my back and gave out my number and photos to random Indian men. Am I the only one that thinks this is dangerous? My parents would say "These are all rich men that we talked to on the phone. They are very good." But, talking to someone on the phone for 15 min. isn't enough to gauge one's character. Plus, people can lie online about who they really are. How does a parent know that a man really makes 100K?

My parents know that I've met perverts on matrimonial sites and even had to call the cops on someone, yet they still think that shaadi.com is the best solution for me.

To be honest, I'm open to falling in love with someone outside of my race. It's just that my parents are pressuring me to stick with Indians.

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tulipbaby53

@tulipbaby53

Trailblazer

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

#25

Originally posted by: Loving2011
[quote]Also, online dating and matrimony sites are very dangerous!! [/quote]

Tell my parents that! They put my ad on shaadi.com behind my back and gave out my number and photos to random Indian men. Am I the only one that thinks this is dangerous? My parents would say "These are all rich men that we talked to on the phone. They are very good." But, talking to someone on the phone for 15 min. isn't enough to gauge one's character. Plus, people can lie online about who they really are. How does a parent know that a man really makes 100K?

My parents know that I've met perverts on matrimonial sites and even had to call the cops on someone, yet they still think that shaadi.com is the best solution for me.

To be honest, I'm open to falling in love with someone outside of my race. It's just that my parents are pressuring me to stick with Indians.

Well, you do have rights, and it is against the law for them to put your information on a matrimony site without your permission. If you wanted to, you can press charges for that. That's really bad that your parents did that to you. You are absolutely right: You can't know a person from an online encounter and talking to them on the phone. Plus, I don't know if your parents' recommendation on a guy would be the best considering all that you have been through.

Honestly, love is blind. You do not have to feel pressured to love an Indian man if your heart is in love with someone else. Fall in love with whoever you want; just make sure you're with them because you want to be with them.

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 12 years ago

#26

Thank you, Tulip. Wow, I had no idea that it was against the law for your parents to do that. This happened a few years ago though, so I have no evidence. They did take my ad down, but it was only after a lot of fighting and yelling. They said they put my ad on shaadi.com to help me and that they wanted what's best for me.

I think meeting and trusting people from all different cultures and races is one of the best decisions I've made. I'm not talking about dating, but even when it comes to making friends. I was very isolated when living with my parents. Now, I get to see the world as a single and free woman. 😳 There are a lot of good people all over the place.

Edited by Loving2011 - 12 years ago

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tulipbaby53

@tulipbaby53

Trailblazer

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

#27

Yes, they posted private information. That's not allowed, but it might be hard to prove though. Plus, hiring a lawyer would cost a lot of money and take a lot of time. It might be worth it though.

I'm glad you're getting to experience that. You get to grow as a person, and that is one of the best things! I'm amazed at how positive your attitude is. It's inspiring! 😳 Your past was dark, but your future is bright! Wish you well.

Edited by tulipbaby53 - 12 years ago

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 12 years ago

#28

Tulipbaby-would you say most indians today don't care about interracial marriages? Ive met Indian American men that have gotten angry at me and have tried to pressure me to stay within my race. One guy even said I was selfish and that it was his responsibility to get other Indians to marry within the community. Some Indian aunties on forums also have gotten offended when I compare. Yesterday, a white man told me how I was one of the most classy and dignified woman that he's met. I was shocked, because I've had Indian men thinking that I'm a s**t. No, I don't sleep around, but I've had indian men wrongfully assume that I do. Getting over Indian men saying hurtful things about me is hard.

It's also frustrating having to explain why I would prefer inter-racial dating.

Edited by Loving2011 - 12 years ago

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tulipbaby53

@tulipbaby53

Trailblazer

+ 2

Posted: 12 years ago

#29

Well, I can definitely say from my family and extend family circle, that we as Indians do not care about interracial marriages. Some do care a lot, but they still respect the decision. Even my Dadi in India does find it a bit different, but she's not against the whole this. It's just a really new concept for her. Having said that, most people in India are not as openminded as many members of my family are. Actually, even some Indian families here really do frown upon interracial marriages. They put a lot of pressure on their kids to marry only Indians. They usually feel like Indian people understand each other culturally better, and that Indian people make the best matches. That is not true at all, but it's what many people like to believe. It depends on family-to-family. There are a lot of openminded people. I feel like sometimes second generation (American-born) Indians are more openminded and supporting of that.

Even in my family though, a Hindu being with a Muslim is still considered "bad". I don't know why though. I told my mom once how I was dating a Muslim, and she had a fit. I didn't see what I was doing wrong, but she did not like it at all. Even my family in India do not like Muslims at all. I know there's frictions between the people, but I didn't think that the thinking would carry here to America too.

I know how you feel by being thought of as trashy even though you are not. Sometimes a girl who is bold and speaks her mind is strange for some Indian people to see. In American culture though, it's seen as classy. I've had some Indian aunties comment because sometimes I drink that I have no class. I'm not an alcoholic, and it is legal for me to drink. Having said that, I don't drink to the point that I make a fool out of myself, but here and there I do drink. I don't see the problem.

Again, you have to just follow your heart. If you love someone who's not Indian, and they love you too, then there's no harm in that. I don't think the heart sees the race when loving.

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 12 years ago

#30

Wow, I would never think that someone in today's age would be shocked at a woman socially drinking. The good thing about my family and their circle of friends is that drinking alcohol is no big deal.

I think some Indians born and raised in America can still be quite conservative. My cousins in India seem more open-minded than some of the Indians I've grown up with in America. It's interesting.