Did anyone grow up with abusive Indian parents ?

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 13 years ago

Please don't read if you're easily disturbed, offended or feel the need to present a morally superior image.

There was an old topic about whether Indian parenting is abusive or loving, which got closed. So, I'm posting this to ask if anyone has grown up in an abusive Indian household? By abuse, I'm not talking about the strict Indian parent that says to be home by 10 pm or to not wear mini-skirst. I'm talking about Indian parents that inflict sexual, emotional, verbal and physical abuse towards their kids. What is abuse? Abuse can be when your parent or another family member pressures you into having sex with them. Abuse can be when your parent is making critical comments that tear down your self-esteem, such as calling you stupid, fat or telling you that nobody likes you. Abuse can be when your parent isolates you or sabotages your independence as an adult, such as a parent being extremely controlling over your decisions, choices, feelings and thoughts.

I'm just curious to see if I'm the only Indian that has gone through this or if there is anyone else. I know this is a very tough topic for our culture to talk about, and I may be met with criticism or anger from other Indians. Some of you may feel that an abusive parent should be treated like a God and that women like me should just "shut up and put up." Sorry, but this philosophy isn't helpful in my life. I have achieved true happiness by moving out of my sexually and emotionally abusive home and living life as I please. :) I think adult survivors of abusive parents have the right to share their experiences, honor their true feelings, and protect themselves from their toxic families. If we can't take care of ourselves, who will?

Edited by Loving2011 - 13 years ago

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344471

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Posted: 13 years ago

My parents and family members are very conservative (at least as per my own ultra-liberal mindset), however, they are far from abusive!!

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 13 years ago

Originally posted by: Beyond_the_Veil
My parents and family members are very conservative (at least as per my own ultra-liberal mindset), however, they are far from abusive!!

There's a difference between being conservative and abusive.

Whenever I would try to tell someone what was going on in my house, I was told that my parents are just typical Indian parents that want the best for me. People ask me why I didn't tell anyone what was going in my home. I tried to tell people, but nobody would listen.

I'm not going to be surprised if someone on here thinks I'm lying. I read another thread where people couldn't believe that an Indian father could rape or molest his daughter, which is what my dad did. I don't think that's helpful towards me in anyway.

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344471

Suspended

Posted: 13 years ago

Originally posted by: Loving2011
There's a difference between being conservative and abusive.

Whenever I would try to tell someone what was going on in my house, I was told that my parents are just typical Indian parents that want the best for me. People ask me why I didn't tell anyone what was going in my home. I tried to tell people, but nobody would listen.

I'm not going to be surprised if someone on here thinks I'm lying. I read another thread where people couldn't believe that an Indian father could rape or molest his daughter, which is what my dad did. I don't think that's helpful towards me in anyway.

I have the utmost sympathy for you. Hope you are grown enough now to get somewhere else beside your parents' house. I'd also suggest seeing a psychiatrist/counselor if you haven't.

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 13 years ago

Originally posted by: Beyond_the_Veil

I have the utmost sympathy for you. Hope you are grown enough now to get somewhere else beside your parents' house. I'd also suggest seeing a psychiatrist/counselor if you haven't.

Thanks for the sweet reply, but I'm not trying to get sympathy. Just trying to see if anyone else has had the same experience.

I live in the states, so it's easy to get help. All of the therapists I've met have suggested to either sever ties or keep a huge distance from the family. They have also said that my mom is one of the most difficult moms they have seen in all of their years of experience.

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 13 years ago

Looks like nobody has had the same experience! Oh well. I tried. Now, I don't feel so bad and guilty for detaching myself from the Indian community. My parents are very angry at me and think I'm too Americanized, but I can't be around people that I can't relate to. Even when it comes to dating Indian men, I've met quite a few that are very judgmental and condescending towards what I went through.

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Kankshita

@thegameison

Stunner

+ 4

Posted: 13 years ago

Noble as your intentions are, I hardly think anybody would tell you on a public forum if there parents were/are abusive in the entirety of the subject. 😛 Suffice it to say that abusive people dun just apply physical force on you but have it in them to tear you down by words, spit venom.

That sadly includes parents and family members as well. For, people shackled by orthodox values and a hundred society members and their opinions to worry about are really frustrated on their insides. Not to forget they have no opinions of themselves and take up on being conservative as a family legacy. Whatever the reason maybe, a frustrated mind is the reason I see behind domestic abuse.

Personally, I believe everybody deserves one chance. My parents have given me every comfort they could provide me and I see them working hard. Hence I owe them some understanding from my part if they rashly behave in any way, once, twice, maybe thrice. But a person who either allows their children to grow in a perennially abusive scenario or is responsible for the same must not be spared. For all we know, they could be mentally touched and need help.

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Forever-KA

@Forever-KA

Rocker

+ 4

Posted: 13 years ago

Originally posted by: Loving2011
Please don't read if you're easily disturbed, offended or feel the need to present a morally superior image.

There was an old topic about whether Indian parenting is abusive or loving, which got closed. So, I'm posting this to ask if anyone has grown up in an abusive Indian household? By abuse, I'm not talking about the strict Indian parent that says to be home by 10 pm or to not wear mini-skirst. I'm talking about Indian parents that inflict sexual, emotional, verbal and physical abuse towards their kids. What is abuse? Abuse can be when your parent or another family member pressures you into having sex with them. Abuse can be when your parent is making critical comments that tear down your self-esteem, such as calling you stupid, fat or telling you that nobody likes you. Abuse can be when your parent isolates you or sabotages your independence as an adult, such as a parent being extremely controlling over your decisions, choices, feelings and thoughts.

I'm just curious to see if I'm the only Indian that has gone through this or if there is anyone else. I know this is a very tough topic for our culture to talk about, and I may be met with criticism or anger from other Indians. Some of you may feel that an abusive parent should be treated like a God and that women like me should just "shut up and put up." Sorry, but this philosophy isn't helpful in my life. I have achieved true happiness by moving out of my sexually and emotionally abusive home and living life as I please. :) I think adult survivors of abusive parents have the right to share their experiences, honor their true feelings, and protect themselves from their toxic families. If we can't take care of ourselves, who will?

@ RED: I am not clear why are you thinking that others will criticize the victim here. This is a serious issue where physical harm was involved. No way anyone is going to tell you that.

@ Green: You are just like any other person. You have every right to do what you did. Just because parents were involved does not make this issue any different. You took measures to protect yourseld like anyone else would have done in your or in another harmful situation.

@ Parents: They are the mos important people in lives of most of us. The reason is a) they gave us birth and b) more importantly they took care of us when we were vulnerable i.e. child. Mothers have slight edge as they go through a 9 month altered life style.

Now this respect is there because a and b are there. If b is not there and if anything there is abuse and physical harm then the respect goes away. Simple. A father abusing a daughter is not to be respected. It becomes a case of victim versus abuser.

No I have not even been slapped by either parent let along face such a situation. i dont know if I can see this world through your mindset. Maybe I am not serious here. However my point is you have done NOTHING wrong. The tone of your post should not be what it is. You did a good thing. You did best for yourself.

@ non physical harm. I have different feeling for situations like puting pressure on kids, slapping them once in a while or being rude etc. I think there we need to look for patterns. If there is too much of that then one can quietly move away from the scene when oppurtunity comes.

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Loving2011

@Loving2011

Beginner

Posted: 13 years ago

Thanks everyone for your replies. Yes, I know many people in these situations may not even realize the severity of what they're in, as they have to keep quiet and deny to protect themselves. I did the same thing for many years, until I reached out and got help.

I was concerned about being blamed, because that's what I experienced. The Indian man that I dated when living with my parents told me that it was my fault, and that I should continue to live with my parents. He was against the idea of me being on my own, despite what kind of a situation I was in. He even said that my dad isn't a bad guy and that I should be nice to him. This is an Indian man that was born and raised in America. He and my mom also said that no Indian man would want to marry me if they knew that I was sexually abused. They said that an Indian man is going to think that I willingly had sex with my dad, which I find very disturbing.

Due to what my mom and Indian ex-boyfriend said, I assumed that most Indians think like them. I know I shouldn't generalize, but that's the impression I got of Indian society.

My mom even told me, "You have to promise me that you will never tell your Indian husband that you dad molested you. Your husband will hate you for the rest of your life." I told her "Don't worry. I won't marry an Indian man then, so the problem is solved."

Edited by Loving2011 - 13 years ago

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Forever-KA

@Forever-KA

Rocker

+ 4

Posted: 13 years ago

#10

Two quick comments

- The reaction of your mom and indian friend are two different things. Former is based on a good intention as she wants the best for you and yes there are people out there (like your friend) who think like that. The later i.e. friend's reaction is plain wrong. I just don't know how can one say that "he is not a bad guy".

- Lets not generalize the issue. I am not Indian myself but I don't think based on this one example you can say anything about Indian men. Sure there might be percentage issue however I am sure there are more than enough Indian men who will understand.

Thinking about the past does not make the past go away. At a time point one has to move on. Once you find a positive distraction you will be ok. lol. tc

Edited by King-Anu - 13 years ago