a family issue, about my son

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sudesh kumar

@qwertyesque

Rocker

Posted: 14 years ago

#81

Originally posted by: *Woh Ajnabee*

Qwerty ji, what you (and a lot of desis like yourself) fail to realize is that divorce rates are not lower on the subcontinent because marriages are just that much successful, but rather more so because breaking up of a marriage is considered a great taboo. Girls spend their whole lives struggling in bad marriages only because they don't want to ruin their family's reputation, become a burden on them as a divorcee, or ruin their siblings' chances of finding good matches. That is not a successful marriage ... that is a compromise with society and with life. You can label it as though it solved all the before-marriage issues, but the truth is that no one knows what the girl goes through when she marries into a family full of hopes and dreams of a new life and ends up discovering something totally unknown to her about her husband - be it his past relationships, current affairs, or his promiscuity.

I am not arguing that love marriages are better than arranged marriages. Neither am I arguing that the US has more successful or better marriages. But to hide our societies' faults under this disguise of values and cultures is totally irrational and ridiculous. For every two incidences that you can count of people who have reformed after marriage, there are possibly 200 that have not reformed. Just imagine what their spouses go through when that happens!

First of all marriage is not a business venture or a test.. where you succeed or fail. its just an attempt of two individuals.. to spend their life together, raise a family together... thats it.. There can be lots of ups and downs.. some according to your can be "torment, torture,...etc..." first of all you dont know such incidences and you are doing what i call the "popular talk" how easy it is to kick a culture which is extremely powerful!!........ Now coming to your "hide our societies flaws" I never said its perfect but tainting it based on possibility of isolated incidences or even such occurrences is as ridiculous as visiting just the redlight areas in a country and concluding that most women in that country resort to prostitution!!!.... Again, if you dont have any first hand incidences its likely that you hold eextreme view point.which is kind of more popular and interesting.... just like when there was dengue in Mumbai.. it wasnt a myth... since I did know first hand incidences of people affected... if its degeneration.. one cant stay immune to its after effect.. I cant say same about divorse or failing marriages....you shouldnt make the argument that if you dont know first hand something that it doenst exist.. it does but the incidence rate will be veri low....you dont sink unless you are neck deep!! just walking in a puddle thinking that could be a concern for sinking is what is ridiculous....

All said.. you and whoever else can live with their notion of whatever they feel and assume... it doesnt cost to assume after all!!!

Edited by qwertyesque - 14 years ago

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charity10

@charity10

Beginner

Posted: 14 years ago

#82

How will marrying your son to an indian girl 'fix it'? If you being a mother can't help him. How do you expect a girl, who will be a novice to the country in her own right, have her own adjustments to make deal with your promiscuous son. I think you and your husband should try and 'fix it' first and if that does not work, then get him to a professional. Infact, even if your son is getting married to some girl, you should warn the girl, about what she is getting into! If she still does it, then it will be the girls decision. Also, blood tests are very important. How can you worry about finding a girl to improve your son's behaviour, when you have more than enough reason to worry about his health? Maybe your priorities are mixed up and nothing can improve, before you set your own priorities right.

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joie de vivre

@joie de vivre

Inactive

Posted: 14 years ago

#83

Just my two quids worth. This may seem very difficult and well-nigh unpalatable for you, perplexed, but I think you have to appreciate the fact that your son is an adult and enjoys the prerogative to choose what values he wishes to subscribe to. As a parent, one can try to ingrain certain values and opinions in your child, but eventually,whether the child wishes to uphold them or not is entirely their decision which they make factoring in a lot of parameters, like for instance the culture they're exposed to, their friends whom they socialise with and their own personal needs. Your son is a grown-up in his own right, not just a mere outpost of a certain school of values which he may perceive as outdated. He's his own man who is old enough and, by the looks of it, clever enough to choose the lifestyle he wishes to lead. As a parent, you can at the most voice your contentions, outline the harm his lifestyle can cause without sounding patronising or on the grounds of morality, but I'm afraid you can't impose your beliefs on your son. That will only serve to further alienate him from you and your husband, perhaps even irrevocably.

You speak about getting him married, but I think you're jumping the gun... Inasmuch as the arrant duplicity on your part and the inconceivabe deception of the girl has been discussed to death, I want to ask you another question. I'm sorry, but have you even broached this subject with your son? Does he even have an inkling of what you've been up to? What if he is appalled by the very mention of marriage, as I expect any 21 year old male is prone to be? What if he just wants to have some fun at this stage of his life? Have you entertained the idea that perhaps what your son really is looking for is an open relationship at this point of his life? Coming to conclusions about what needs to be done to "change" him seems fatuous when you don't know the first thing about what HE really wants. I can understand why promiscuity can be unacceptable to orthodox Indians. Being "Indian" Indian myself, I do not partake in it. Only I also understand that it's just the morality I've embraced and know it's wrong to be contemptible of those who do not share my idea of morality. Different strokes for different folks and all that... Morailty is a fluid concept, something which is not set in stone. I believe that each individual must have the right to define the code of morality he or she wishes to adhere to, and then find someone to whom said morality is acceptable in order to be happy in life. If your son is promiscuous, then getting him married to a girl who is NOT promiscuous or who finds the very idea of promiscuity reprehensible is a crime. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as brusque, but you're not doing your son a favour by forcing him to get married. You do mention that you'll come clean eventually, the the girl will be aware of your son's past. In other words, you want to get your son married to an Indian girl who'll be OK with his philandering. I don't think any 19-20 year old traditional Indian girl who's harbouring clandestine aspirations of a perfect romance will be fine with that, TBH.

Like someone else mentioned previously, being promiscuous isn't all THAT bad, if he's having consensual sex with adults of the opposite sex. Being addicted to drugs, or I dunno, being an alcoholic or being a slacker is far worse. If he's carrying condoms, then he's having safe sex knowing the consequences, and that doesn't strike to me as irresponsible behaviour. By the same token, I also assume he gets tested every now and again. He will grow out of this as he grows older, his priorities WILL change. He will want to settle down, he will want to have children of his own, he will want to have a family few years down the track. And when he wants all this, he will certainly mend his ways of his own accord. And who knows, he'd even marry a woman you and your husband approve of. :) At 23, I'm not much older than your son, and heaven knows I'd avoid my parents at all costs if THEY try to control my life. Breathing down his neck at this stage, spying on him or trying to patronise him or casting aspersions on the girl he is with or trying to impose your views on him will definitely prove to be counter-productive.

Edited by joie de vivre - 14 years ago

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yellowflower

@yellowflower

Rocker

+ 2

Posted: 14 years ago

#84

@TM : I will talk abt Science here, as I am strong believer of Science, and as per it, when we get attracted to people, develop feelings and fall in love, during the whole process various hormones flow in our brains which makes us feel so......In the initial stages, adrenaline, serotonin, dopamine etc flows, which makes us feel attracted to the other person...... and later on the attraction changes into love when eventually Oxytocin and Vasopressin flows....

I am sure everyone here is well aware of adrenaline, its the same hormone which flows when we are on joyrides, riding bikes etc.... and we feel good and adventure with it..... Now the probs here is, the son must be loving the sense of fun and adventure with the promiscuity...... So he repeated times engages himself in these acts for the fun of it..... similar to why ppl loves riding bikes..... and he never proceeds on to the next level of true love/commitment when Oxytocin and Vasopressin flows in our brain..... rather for the adrenaline rush keeps getting new company..... So when this guy will meet some innocent Indian girl at first he might feel attracted but later on might not develop love for her at all (as it happens in most such cases)..... temporary attraction..... So here it has nothing to do getting him married but rather get him checked psychologically as its not okay to encourage constant adrenaline/dopamine flow inside brain for fun, adventure as it results in addiction.....

Secondly, I do not believe any boy of 21 would like to get married, and neither any girl of 18-19 is wise enough to take important decision as marriage...... especially decisions like getting married to a promiscuous boy as I believe she herself inst too well aware of the various prospects of it.... She might with a rose tinted view start believing fake things like the "power of love will cure all" and later suffer and get her life ruined...... These acts shouldn't be encouraged as a responsible human being...... Rather both of them must be given enough time to grow up and settle education/careeristically and then make important decision of marriage.......

Thirdly, for humanity, good girls deserves good boys, and playing cupid for self advantage knowing reality aint wise and moral at all....... Its a sin in every respect....... and no one can make another person reform unless the person himself wants/desires to..... otherwise a lot of men would have surely quited smoking because thr wife's/gf's whom they actually love/committed to, dont like it and ask them repeated times to quit..... (just an example)

What I can suggest is, talk to your husband directly, truthfully abt it...... then talk to your son about it..... and seek counselor/ psychologist's help as it seems addiction to me...... and please do not think of marriage of a 21 year old boy and certainly for humanity do not think of ruining a innocent girl's life even by luring/playing cupid with some rose tinted view of "love will cure all" .

Just to add, I am an Indian, born, raised, living in India.......

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Gauri Sharma

@gauri92

Navigator

Posted: 14 years ago

#85

alright....your concerns are basically building up because you have not talked to him. Honestly speaking, let him live life the way he wants as long as he is not harming anyone. He is being promiscuous right now, but honestly speaking, it is a part of the lives of a lot of youngsters back here in India as well. It might be hard to accept, but it is a fact now.

And who is to say that this is the way he will continue to live. You are concerned, put your concerns across to him....but do not in any ways try and force your opinion on him. That will only make him resent you and go a step further to do the exact opposite of what you want him to do.

Discuss....and then have enough faith in him to make the right choice for himself. It might not be the right choice in your eyes, but maybe it works for him. Try and understand where he is coming from as well...it may be difficult, but try your level best to do so. And if he makes mistakes, they are his to make and he will learn from them. All you can do is be there for him.

Also...please do NOT get him married!!! that is just insane!!! he is only 21!!!

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Believe

@-Believe-

Stunner

+ 2

Posted: 14 years ago

#86

Originally posted by: gauri92
alright....your concerns are basically building up because you have not talked to him. Honestly speaking, let him live life the way he wants as long as he is not harming anyone. He is being promiscuous right now, but honestly speaking, it is a part of the lives of a lot of youngsters back here in India as well. It might be hard to accept, but it is a fact now.

And who is to say that this is the way he will continue to live. You are concerned, put your concerns across to him....but do not in any ways try and force your opinion on him. That will only make him resent you and go a step further to do the exact opposite of what you want him to do.

Discuss....and then have enough faith in him to make the right choice for himself. It might not be the right choice in your eyes, but maybe it works for him. Try and understand where he is coming from as well...it may be difficult, but try your level best to do so. And if he makes mistakes, they are his to make and he will learn from them. All you can do is be there for him.

Also...please do NOT get him married!!! that is just insane!!! he is only 21!!!

^👍🏼

Edited by Believe - 14 years ago

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