a family issue, about my son

Hey everyone, being a little anonymous here but then whenever you bring real issues out then I feel it is wiser to be more anonymous, right?

I am a mother of a 21 years old boy and a 15 years old daughter, living in Thailand with my husband since the last 14 years of my life. I am an Indian ofcourse, and so is all my family.

Coming right to the problem, is my son who I am worried about. I don't really know if I should share my concerns with him clearly. Such is the circumstance that I have no idea what is right and what is wrong.

We are a family holding on to our traditions strongly. It is a tough thing to do in Thailand though, but we do try. My husband gives all freedom to our son, and remains so busy with his work that he really doesn't think too much before allowing him all the freedom perhaps which he feels he could never get due to economic problems in his childhood. He is really a very decent man, and to think of him being a reason for my son's derailment would be hurling stones on a really innocent human being. The only thing which he does perhaps is to give him money and freedom, against which he will not listen. While I have always been unable to break this father-son alliance. Although he is same with my daughter, but she was never my worries because of her very traditional Indian mentality which came in so naturally.

My son is promiscuous. Its a very hard thing for an Indian mother to really admit, but I cannot deny now after I had my little investigations. Although he has always been a very exceptionally bright student. He completed college in a record time and throughout his academic life he had studied in scholarships. He is also very good in sports, in particular with kick-boxing to which he finds great interest. Thus, it is tough confront him from that angle.

He had a girlfriend named Peang (a local thai) who really was the most unacceptable person I ever found around him. She had no sense in how she should dress, and simply speaking, she was a complete mismatch in the broadest of sense.

Although at that point I never thought he would be promiscuous. I know it might sound so funny to most of you, but I just could not imagine this. I don't know why, I just couldn't.

After I found a condom in his pocket, I was alarmed. I kept on thinking about it, but decided to investigate further. I am an educated woman with sound computer skills. This was enough for me to get my hands on to his notebook and his cell phone. I am shocked with what I have seen to say the least. He is not only promiscuous, but it seems he lives a double life where he is involved with all the wrong women from every strata of this society.

His notebook is filled with pictures of many girls and himself in compromising positions, while his cell have all those messages which tells me how active he is with numerous women. Some of them I can imagine are just bargirls from the red light zones of Thailand's notorious alleys.

I have made more investigations, as much as I could, only to realize that he is certainly a very regular in this, and this is the reason of his staying out many times.

I don't know what to do or how to confront him. I have this idea of getting him married off to a very good girl I know of back in India, but to this his father is not prepared to listen. He say's that my son needs to complete his further studies in the US with a scholarship to one of the States to Universities. This is all good with me, but our son wants to study in a top university inside Thailand (which is actually one of the best in Asia, and among the best of the world). To which also my husband is ok. He is going to get a scholarship there as easy as a pie.

But I know he is on the wrong track, and while being in hostel there, I cannot imagine what he will be doing.

Should I really confront a boy of this age, and even if I do, I don't know where to start!

I didn't even tell all the details to his father. How can I manage to?

Only thing to me now is to make a big deal for his marriage, and I believe I can eventually get my son to get married. But, is this really a solution!

I am really perplexed. Infact shattered aswell, living with this reality. I don't know what I did wrong, what went wrong! What is he doing to himself~

Your son seems to be growing up pretty fast. But he is now an adult too. Try to have a more open-minded approach and get your hubby to advise him. Living in a country like Thailand there are many wild and sensual distractions which is well known. Your son will grow out of it in due time but he has to ensure he does not contact unwanted sickness esp HIV.
Or get a close relative to talk to him. Matter should be handled carefully as you do not want him leaving home either.
Best discuss with hubby first.

First and foremost do not try to get him married. He is clearly not ready for commitment at this point in life. Marriage does not magically change people overnight. All you will do is ruin the life of an innocent girl and potentially your own grandkids. Marrying him should be the last thing on your mind at this point in life.

He is just another red-blooded youth, many youth go through this phase. Your first priority should be to ensure that your son is sensible and safe and is taking necessary precautions like condoms and STD testing. Next make sure he is respectable and responsible. As a woman just approach him in a friendly con-confrontational manner and make sure he knows not to lead people on and he should be willing to bear consequences like taking responsibility if he fathers a child. Let him know that you are not judging but merely advising. If he feels he is being judged or forced into something, he will rebel even more.

As long as his education, career and other life aspects are not going downhill - he will be fine. Seems like he is doing well otherwise. Eventually as he matures and experiences life, he will slow down and himself start thinking of settling down. Many people these days don't marry till they are in their thirties, so he has a long way to go.

Than you for your responses. It is really suffocating to keep things buried in ones chest and not let out. So many times have I thought of confronting him, but just couldn't. First of all I have spied on him literally. The pictures he carries in his notebook are his collection of his adventures (?), his cell phone etc. All his personal things. It is not so easy to confront a son at his age, who actually doesn't need our money even. He can always manage himself at his scholarships, and now I think he will get more generous scholarships which will only make him more independent and nothing else. These things only make me more afraid.

It might sound so simple to go to him in a mature way to discuss something like this. But for a person like me, with our traditional values with which we live, it is not so easy.

Although we have been so long in Thailand, we did not forget our roots. We are Kashmiri Pandits from UP, and we have deep moral values which restrict us in many ways. Also, to bring my husband into this means a great affliction on him. He will certainly be at shock in this. We are just not as liberal. We never were.

How come he turned into a person like this is beyond me. I think we just had too much confidence on him. But how could we not be proud on him? Someone who always did plain and simple excellent in all his studies. Have been active in sports! Where is that spot we might've noticed on him?

Peang was an inappropriate girl, but even that was not enough for us to doubt him.

He might be red blooded and this current time and age may see all this as normal. But as an Indian, I am yet in that stage to see this as acceptable.

To go to him with this topic is a thought which in itself brings me a fever. These days I don't even look at him, because internally I am so dissatisfied with him! But I still love my son and I want him to be in the right track.

As I can see him having condoms in his room and his pockets everywhere. I suppose he is using it. He is not supposed to be a fool. He has never been, and I am sure he is taking precautions. But does this solve the moral issue? What about our Dharm?

This thought of him fathering a child sends me chills. Fathering a child from some Thai prostitute? Bargirls are prostitutes you know, just another name they use in Thailand thats all.

Till he reaches the marriageable age, who knows where he will lead to. I don't know who he will marry. I wonder what he will do to the whole dynasty!

I know its risky to get him married, and that might risk another girls life. I know it might be a very selfish action, but it came to my mind because I've heard that this makes the boy very matured, and he starts to take life seriously.

My son already has offers from good firms. Once he completes his graduation with the scholarship, and surely with excellent marks as he always does, I don't have a shred of panic about his future in that regards. He is more than capable for that.

Are there any mothers in this forum?

As for the youths of this age in this forum - WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU? DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS FOR YOUR TRADITION AND CULTURE? YOU PARENTS?

Why do I need to be in such a mess.

Its really not easy everyone. It is never easy for the parents, specially Indian parents. I cannot mention what I felt when I realized his doings. The pictures in his notebook are nothing but naked women with him on top ... sometimes drunk! Taking pictures like making trophies. I am horrified. I feel ashamed even to tell him I know everything!

He is my only son! My husband will surely be a great sufferer. He is the most innocent man in all its meanings.

My son surely let us down in a way I never dreamt of.

To think that this phase will go away is also a pain. I don't know if after my knowledge of his such moral condition, will I ever have the same respect for him as I used to have. I feel like I put 10 slaps on him, but I just don't know what to do. Even now all these things are running down my mind while I tipe and the rest of the family having a normal life. My son is out with his friends again, and I know where is surely is. It is very painful ...

Frankly the problem is not as big as you think and will dissipate once a dialogue is held and communications opened up.
Step one you have identified the problem.
The approach you take should be based on many factors such as your relationship with him etc. It seems that he is the very independent type. No matter what a discussion with your Hubby should be done first.
Seems that you yourself too are a pretty capable person.
I suggest a friendly discussion in a friendly manner, talk about other things first like studies, plans, marriage or movies etc
From there you can slowly bring the matter at hand.
Alternatively speak to someone close like an Uncle or Teacher etc to talk to him.

1. He is only 21, do not even think about getting him married.

2. Tell your husband about it and then talk to your son.

No matter how much your husband will suffer, he should be made aware of the entire development, sorry...but what sort of couple you are ..when you can't share such a serious thing upfront?

Communication is the key, son needs to be told in soft but firm words that he is responsible for his health & safety, pls don't get him married, as every one said the girl's life would be ruined.

Your son needs grinding of the life, being good in studies & sports is just a start, you need much more to be successful (i.e honesty, integrity, hard work to reach some where) he needs (at least ) some more years to realise where he stands.

As far you are concerned there is no point sawing the saw dust, all you can do is convey your concerns & feelings to the son and leave the rest to the God..!

All the best..!

@ Perplexed

I just wanted to add, its quite unclassy to name the Thai girlfriend while you and your son remain anonymous.Even if its a common Thai name, thats a display of double standards if you respect your privacy but not others, no matter what you think of them.

I agree with others here, as a family your husband ought to know and be expected to deal with any issues with children. Maybe thats part of the problem, the husband has been to aloof and uninvolved in the son's life.

You asked for mothers, I ask you to think of daughters and their families - every time you think marrying your son is an option.

There are a couple of other concerns too.
Your son also needs to have a blood check too and hope he is also not on drugs. The situation is serious no doubt but it has to be tactfully handled after discussing with your hubby. Check if professional counseling is available too.