Have never laughed as much during an interview. KJO does that to you. He's motor-mouth, he's funny, he's cool, and he's wicked when he wants to be. It was Karan who created the monster called the 'Rapid Fire Round', and it's time someone gave the mad doctor a taste of his own bitter medicine. We met Karan Johar for koffee (lemon tea, actually) at his office in Khar. The famed Lie-o-meter (Beep, Beep!) is in place, and so is the alluring gift hamper. Come, let's go hard and fast at the Queen of *****dom.
K3G or KANK?
K3G. It's a better film. K3G was long, KANK felt long.
But you broke new ground with KANK.
I broke marriages as well!
Who would you like to take to dinner? Kajol or Rani?
Kajol; I met Rani last night.
* Beep, beep!
Okay, Rani, because she's not married. Kajol doesn't go out without her husband at night.
Salman or Vivek?
Salman. Have known him longer, have worked with him. Also, he is funny.
Salman is more interesting.
Yes, he has a great sense of humour.
Salman or John?
Salman. He's a bigger star, I like bigger stars. I get turned on by success.
Sindhis or Punjabis?
Sindhis all the way. Grew up on sai bhaji. Also, my maternal influence has been stronger. I can't even speak Punjabi despite all the depictions in my films.
Nikhil Advani or Farhan Akhtar?
(Thinks.) Farhan.
Nikhil is your man, your protg.
He was my protg. Farhan is a friend.
Old Don or new Don?
Old Don. First action film I saw.
* Beep, beep!
Okay, I liked Zeenat Aman.
* Beep, beep!
For me, Don will always be Zeenat Aman.
It's a cop out. You want to keep Big B and SRK happy.
I love Zeenat Aman.
* Beep, beep!
Big B in KBC or SRK in KBC?
Me on Koffee with Karan, blow the lie-o-meter Anil, you are not getting an answer.
* Beep, beep!
You are going to lose this game.
Eight out of 10 is okay. Both are family, I can't choose between them.
* Beep, beep!
I enjoy watching SRK more, but Mr Bachchan gave a lot of dignity to the show. It's a tough question!
* Beep, beep!
You are pushing me to it. I am not giving you an answer.
You just lost the gift hamper.
It's a tragic loss to me. Next question! (Laughs.)
In their relationship, who is luckier: Ash or Abhishek?
Abhishek is luckier. Ash is a rare combination of beauty and dignity. She's not that lucky. He's luckier to have her.
Who'd make a better bride: Ash or Karisma?
Ridiculous question. Not giving you an answer. There has to be a link between people.
You know the link.
Then I'll be the missing link and not answer this question. (Laughs.)
* Beep, beep!
Hrithik or Abhishek?
(Thinks for a long time.) Tough choice.
* Beep, beep!
(Almost pleading.) Can we come back to this later?
The most full-of-himself filmmaker?
Ram Gopal Varma. We like to poke fun at each other.
The most over-rated filmmaker?
Me. Beep, beep! The ones I think are over-rated do no exist in my dictionary. So I don't want to give them importance.
Whose dimples you like more:
Preity or SRK?
SRK. You want to hear that, don't you?
For an in-house film's music: Shankar Ehsaan Loy or Rehman?
Shankar Ehsaan Loy. I love them more.
But Rehman is God.
He is? I am sure he is. (Smiles.)
The most over-rated actor?
(Thinks hard.) I have only worked with great actors.
* Beep, beep!
(Thinks harder.) Okay, I can't answer that… though there are three or four names floating in my head. (Laughs loudly.)
Who will you gift the book 'Beating women is wrong' to?
I don't know anybody who beats women.
* Beep, beep!
I really don't know.
Who will you gift the book 'The Importance of Safe Sex to Avoid Accidental Babies' to?
(Thinks.) Who's had an accidental baby? (Pauses suddenly)… Oh! (Then laughs.) I'd give the book to anybody in the younger generation.
* Beep, beep!
It's an unfair question! I only push the envelope on my show, you are tearing it!
Who will you gift the book 'How to handle rejection in love' to?
(Thinks long.) Can we come back to this later? Next question!
* Beep, beep!
The most burnt-out filmmaker?
I think burnt-out is not a nice word. But I do think Ram Gopal Varma should make one film in a year.
KANK failed because Indian audiences aren't mature. Yes or no?
Not immature, they are in denial. But if there are four million who didn't get it, there are two million who did. And I know the breed of that two million that will grow with time. But yes, I was shattered when the film didn't work, I was broken from within. I thought it will win film of the year award.
Will gift a pack of Viagra to?
To myself. I suffer from performance anxiety. And Viagra didn't help.
So you tried it out?
Yes, I did once.
Was it with a woman?
No. It was on my own. It didn't work.
Er, you need a partner for best results…
You can operate individually too!
Will gift a shot of Botox to?
(Thinks hard.) My mother!
Beep, beep!
Why did I agree to do this interview!
Rate Salaam-e-Ishq on a scale of 1 to 10.
Five.
That's good?
Five is good? (Smiles mischievously.) Maybe!
Do you regret Kaal?
Yes, it is a film I should not have made. The only time I got scared in Kaal was when I didn't get scared! And I am usually petrified by horror films.
Do you crave critical appreciation?
I am petrified of criticism, I like to see four or five star ratings for my films.
If a young hot girl agreed to sleep with you for a role…
No. I don't agree with the process.
If a young hot guy agreed to sleep with you for a role…
I said I don't agree on the process. And now you're treading on a territory you shouldn't!
One guest you found most boring on Koffee.
(Thinks.) Not bored, I was challenged once. The Sunny Deol show. I was very nervous. I didn't want to offend him at all; I was worried he might slap me. I was really scared.
Bachchan or SRK?
Can't choose between families. Beep, beep!
I'd say Shah Rukh, for he is the reason I am a filmmaker. He was there for my father when he was going through a bad phase. He was there for me when I didn't have a career. He's the elder brother I never had. Though Bachchan is family too.
18/30. Not good enough KJO, but we'll still award you the Mirror hamper
Bachchan as an actor or SRK as an actor?
How can you ask that question?
You don't choose between legends.
Beep, beep!
I am not answering. I don't care if I don't win your hamper.
Why you will never marry…
Marriage doesn't interest me. I am happy, I don't want to marry.
It's normal for a man to marry.
Is it?
Is it because you are not attracted to women?
I don't think you should go down that path, it's too personal. I am saving it all for my book.
18/30. Not good enough KJO, but we'll still award you the Mirror hamper
- MUMBAI MIRROR,
SUNDAY,11TH MARCH,2007
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