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Gauhar, our princess of bb7 kingdom is going to get married. After intense, erudite discussions with expert Swayamvar counsellors like Rakhi, Veena and Mallika as well as Kardashians and Britney, she finally decided to opt for a traditional Draupadi style wedding as Mahabharat serial is currently trending. The contestant who will shoot arrow in the eye of the revolving fish attached to the ceiling by looking at reflection in the pond will win hand and vocal chords of beloved princess.
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Our first contestant is sabka bhai, romeo, sasta furniture --- Ajaz.
Ajaz: Khan-saab.Waooow.. Aapko maloom nahi how much I luv you.
Gauhar: (blushing) Paagal ho gaye ho Ajaaz.
Ajaz: Hmmm.khrrf truggg (and many more unspellable outbursts)
Maine apne bete Alexander ko bola bhi ke shaadi karke tumhe leke jaoonga. The Mummy Returns. Bus oos Kalia danger se saif, I mean safe rahiye.
Gauhar: Ajaz, Ajaz, Ajaz, Ajaz.. Ek second, ek second.. Concentrate on oos fish ki ankh.
Ajaz: (sings) Ankhon ki gustakhi yan maaf ho.
Gauhar:(angry) Gaana mat gao, task karo.
Ajaz: (sings) Ankhon ki gustakhi yan maaf ho.
Gauhar:(angry) Gaana mat gao, task karo.
Ajaz:(singing)hum mehanat kashta se duniya se...
Gauhar: (very angry) GET OUT
Ajaz:(sings) Chala jaata hooon..
Ajaz:(sings) Chala jaata hooon..
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Next contestant is relic kabootar, expletive expert -- Armaan
Armaan looks at the fish setup and is upset.
Armaan: Duffer ho tum sab. Kuch akal hain ? Koi aisi condition rakhta hain kya ? ***&&&%%% (lots of swear words) The ceiling is too high and bow is heavy and I have a back problem. Now shut up and give me a ladder so I can climb up and hit the fish in the eye.
Gauhar: Armaan.. No senior citizen discount.
Armaan: Kya samazati hain apne aapko ? I am so handome and powerful that I have a personal masseur and maid hailing from royal family.
Gauhar: Baap re baap kaisi baten karte hain aap.
Armaan: BAAP PE JAANA NAHIN. Kya Aukat hai teri ?
Armaan looks at the fish setup and is upset.
Armaan: Duffer ho tum sab. Kuch akal hain ? Koi aisi condition rakhta hain kya ? ***&&&%%% (lots of swear words) The ceiling is too high and bow is heavy and I have a back problem. Now shut up and give me a ladder so I can climb up and hit the fish in the eye.
Gauhar: Armaan.. No senior citizen discount.
Armaan: Kya samazati hain apne aapko ? I am so handome and powerful that I have a personal masseur and maid hailing from royal family.
Gauhar: Baap re baap kaisi baten karte hain aap.
Armaan: BAAP PE JAANA NAHIN. Kya Aukat hai teri ?
Armaan is treated with few "raspberries" and forcefully removed from the scene.
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Next to enter is Andy - The biggest fan of Victoria Secret and favorite of unborn babies.
Andy talking to fish: Hmmm. Kaisa fish hain tu ? Where is your underwear ? Are you from nudist colony ? Why you are not laughing at my jokes? You insult me.
Gauhar: (with lot of patience) Andy, forget undy. Shift focus from lower part of body to upper part and look at its eye and hit it.
Andy: This fish is rude to me. Lekin main har ek ko second chance deta hoon.. Main fish ko hurt nahi kar sakta. Main aisa hi hoon.
Gauhar:(thunders) GET OUT.
Andy: sob sob. Hamesha yahin hota hain mere saath.
Gauhar: (with lot of patience) Andy, forget undy. Shift focus from lower part of body to upper part and look at its eye and hit it.
Andy: This fish is rude to me. Lekin main har ek ko second chance deta hoon.. Main fish ko hurt nahi kar sakta. Main aisa hi hoon.
Gauhar:(thunders) GET OUT.
Andy: sob sob. Hamesha yahin hota hain mere saath.
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Rajat makes an unexpected entry. The organisers initially try to whisk him away thinking baby elephant is on loose.
Rajat to Gauhar: I am not in good health. This fish was swimming happily in my tank (points to the bulge below his own chin and just above trousers). When I was coughing, it escaped from my mouth. I must have it back. I lack nourishment and feeling very weak.
Rajat to Gauhar: I am not in good health. This fish was swimming happily in my tank (points to the bulge below his own chin and just above trousers). When I was coughing, it escaped from my mouth. I must have it back. I lack nourishment and feeling very weak.
(in the most depressing tone)My nature is happy. People have always found me more fun than rotten fish.
Rajat is finally removed from scene with great effort.
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This time a big uproar and commotion as Sofia enters. Everyone is surprised.
Sofia charges at Gauhar with knife and has to be forcefully restrained.
Sofia charges at Gauhar with knife and has to be forcefully restrained.
Sofia:Main bahar se ja raha tha to kisi ne bola ke Gauhar ka aankh phodna hain to fish milega. I am from UK and luv fish and chips. Isliye aaya.
The rules are finally explained to her that its actually reverse.
Sofia:I am so confused.. Muze aaisa fir wrong kyon bola ? Kyon ? Kyon ?
Sofia:I am so confused.. Muze aaisa fir wrong kyon bola ? Kyon ? Kyon ?
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The next entry is by Sangram - Mahanayak, Mahapurush, Mahavidwaan, Mahapandit (and lot of another mahas) No one really is sure who conferred these titles on him but like Karna's armour, he seemed to be born with them.
Gauhar:Kyaa aap yahan contest jitne aaye hain ? Do you want to marry me ?
Sangram: khokho. Haan aur Naan.
Gauhar: Dekho Sangram tell me very clearly.. Yes or No ? Take a stand.
Sangram:Main sochta hoon ke aadmi ko jeevan mein...
Gauhar: (cutting him short) Why dont you shoot the arrow ?
Sangram fires all of them and misses by a wide margin.
Sangram: (while going back to his seat)Main bolna nahi chahta, parrr ye task maine bahut baar kiya hain essay writing competition ke douran.
Gauhar: Essay competition? And were you successful then ?
Sangram: kho kho kho
Gauhar: Essay competition? And were you successful then ?
Sangram: kho kho kho
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Asiph comes uninvited.
Gauhar:(Really happy, blushing) SO Asiph, you came to check me out ?
Asiph: Aapko nahin phisss ko. Baaahut aaccchhhaaa hain.
Gauhar:(Really happy, blushing) SO Asiph, you came to check me out ?
Asiph: Aapko nahin phisss ko. Baaahut aaccchhhaaa hain.
Gauhar:(blushing)Kaun? Mein ?
Asiph: Aap nahin phisss. Weight kya hain ?
Gauhar: Mera weight? Asiph, Asiph, listen to me. You cant ask lady her weight.
Asiph: Aapka nahin.. Phiss ka. Is it 5kg ? Aagaar waste jaata to main buy karoonga. Phisss curry banana hain.
Gauhar:(with voice louder than parliamentary row) GET OUT.
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Gauhar is now very upset and about to summon her fainting, when Kushal, a superstar who practised his midas touch on his teeth makes unsteady entry to arena. Kushal just fresh after tea (well its long island tea but lets skip such minor details) is staring blankly at the fish and pond below.
Kushal: Is this water or vodka in the pond? Because reflection is clearer with vodka. man. I have to shoot arrow ?.Do fish have neck ? Can I break its neck instead ? I am expert in that art.
He finally shoots all arrows all miss with wide margin and its announced that he lost the contest and can not win Gauhar's hand.
Gauhar starts screaming ferociously.
Gauhar: Ye Insaaniyat nahin hain. Kaise log ho aap ? Ye aapka POV hain ke he lost.
Gauhar starts screaming ferociously.
Gauhar: Ye Insaaniyat nahin hain. Kaise log ho aap ? Ye aapka POV hain ke he lost.
Gauhar: Contest or no contest, I will marry one of you. I will romantically scream in my beloved's ears, will give him nightmares with loud, shriek laughter, will talk to him all the time even if he is at work, sleeping, eating, taking shower or in toilet.
Now all of a sudden, all are aware of imminent danger , start running helter/skelter to avoid princess Gauhar. Kushal, blissfully intoxicated, standing firm like murkh buddhi while Gauhar advances ominously towards him with a garland.
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