Posted:
Hi Debbie!
Thank you for the PMs especially since I was busy with exams recently and wasn't visiting the forum.
So glad that you have started a new FF especially with such a strong social message. I wasn't able to give you proper feedback regarding your earlier work but I will try to be more constructive this time. You seem to be very serious regarding your intention to publish and such social-focused stories should be shared far and wide. Thus forgive me for my nitpickiness about your work. I am only wishing you the best so am going over things with a fine tooth comb.
Fort Chapter 1 - First of all, I feel your writing style has definitely improved from your previous work. There is a better flow to the story and to the character actions. The first person narrative is also better. I used to be much more aware of it but this time it was much easier to get into Anandi's mindset. There are a few grammatical issues here and there so please be careful regarding this.
For Chapter 2 - I particularly appreciated Sugna's confession as it felt very realistic. Also liked Anandi's inner monologue about her mental state compared to how she appeared strong to the outside world. I would like to see more of this either in this chapter or in future chapters so the audience is better able to relate to the 'Wilted Rose' aspect. Many of us can do it easily simply because the character's name is Anandi and we associate hardship and inner turmoil with her automatically. Wider audience will not do so.
For Chapter 3 - I particularly loved the line "I feel honoured to be born as a female, are you not Mam?" I have had this thought many a time myself when thinking about how women treat each other due to their gender completely forgetting that they themselves are females. I found A-Sanchi's conversation a bit bhashany at times but it's Anandi after all so not surprised.
For Chapter 4 - I enjoyed the speech but there was some grammatical errors in it which distracted me. Just at the start. The rest of the speech was good.
Re the note pg 17 - trust me, you are not alone. I was raised by a single mother and have witnessed first hand all that one woman can do by herself. Inferior gender, my foot.
For Chapter 5 - awww such a cute chapter.
For Chapter 6 - Such a lovely poem at the start. Blushy Anandi is the best. I have to say that I am really enjoying the insightful conversations between Shiv and Anandi, e.g. drawing lines because of fear of consequences.
For Chapter 7 - First mention, thanks for the description regarding where the highway is. I live outside of India so whenever people mention places, all I have is a blank look because I don't know where that is. Also best chapter yet! The insight into Shiv and Sanchi's back story is really good plus I can feel the heartbreak of a younger Shiv who was helpless against forces stronger than him. Good work! Nice hook at the end.
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One little thing please is to have a bit more on how Sugna is going. Whether in the form of Sugna's actions or Anandi's thoughts/actions. I just feel that the traumatic event she went through would still continue to impact her outwardly for quite some time.
So in conclusion, 👏 good job! Your writing ability has improved by leaps. I liked Gone with the Wind but I am enjoying this much more and it's all due to your wonderful efforts. I'm looking forward to the upcoming chapters.
Best of luck and thank you for sharing your work with us!
