She looked at him, his eyes downcast, guilty, apprehensive. Did he want to relive that moment again, she couldn't understand. All that her heart told her was that her Raavan Kumar was hurting and hurting bad. She reached out, entwinining his fingers in hers., and pressing her lips on his palm.
He took a deep breath and gulped hard, and continued. When Abhishek came with the news of your suicide, i didn't believe him. Yes, i had been a beast, i had told you things I couldn't hear myself, but I could never ever have believed my jhansi ki rani was so broken that she could kill herself. Heck, I always thought you were the stronger amongst the two of us. ..emotionally , i mean, he smiled a sad smile. The smile didn't reach his eyes she saw. He was in the moment, living it again.
I could feel the world spinning lshita, nothing felt right ever again. People were crying, screaming at me, blaming me, I was screaming back at them , but it felt all futile. Like the need to live , to love to hate , to exist all just evaporated. I remember walking to my room, our room and shutting myself in.
How much time passed there i don't know. Minutes, hours, months..no clue. I just sat there weighing all options to end it all. Our memories haunted me lshita, your face, your voice, your eyes haunted me. And i thought of how alone you might have been to take this decision, but you had our kids and me, didn't we matter?. Yes ruhi died, part of me died and part of you died. I blamed you for it, yes, but then you could have punished me, screamed at me, instead .. you know what you did lshita, .. you killed me. And my mind groped in the darkness to try and think of what you must have gone through in those final seconds when you decided to jump. Then I got the courage to end it all. It was just a formality anyways I thought. Remember the prescription drugs i used to take for blood sugar, he paused, ...
Ishita felt a ugly pain in the pit of her stomach, she didn't want to hear this...and then it struck her hard..his pain, as strong or was it worse than her pain. She didn't know. If the the thought of listening to his account of trying to kill himself could put her through such agony, what would he have gone through having to relive her death every moment of those 7 years.
I am so sorry..Raman..she began, tears brimming in her eyes. .I should have called...
No ishita , he stopped her, wiping off her tears..don't yaar. I know what you went through..but let me get it all out. Do you know how many years it's all been inside me. I feel like I am decaying from within. Please, listen to me sweetheart, he said
I took one tablet at a time ..till I was down 3. You know they say suicide is a split second decision and it's never done slow, but I think i wanted to torture myself and didn't want to let death come easy. I wanted to feel your pain lshita, as you thought of ending it, I wanted to somehow reach out, and somehow see you again, if not in life , at least in death. Her fingers now dug into his palm as she felt herself shudder.
I was about to pop the 4 th pill when I heard her cry. A baby, our baby, ishita - Pihu. Mummy was trying hard to pacify her, but she was screaming her guts out, my miniature JKR., he attempted a feeble smile, squeezing her hand tight.
Shagun was deep in sedation after the premature birth and pihu was inconsolable. Those cries seemed to grow louder each minute, it felt like the baby was calling me and asking me what would become of her without both of us. And it was like I got an answer to my need to see you again lshita. I didn't have to kill myself. .rather I couldn't, since I had no right to take away my life from a baby to whom both of us had promised the world. .remember. everything. .we had wanted to be the 'best' parents. . The 'best.'.he trailed away...looking away into the setting sun in the distance...
Ishita looked up at her husband now, his strong features looking more hardened than ever and the sunlight glinting off his eyes.. now more thoughtful than ever...
Raman, but you never told pihu about me, didn't you..she asked, and bit her tongue for breaking his train of thoughts. ..
But this she needed to know..needed it for her own sanity. Her own blood, their daughter, the symbol of their impossible love, their impossible dream, little pihu, the the daughter she never came back to claim, but the daughter she thought would grow up with the love of the whole family. .his and hers. The child her parents could call their own too, after losing her. But Raman had cruelly, almost, kept her away from everyone , from the truth of her mother's death, from the reality of her actual mother, why? She really could never get it. And today as he claimed the child as his reason for living , for seeing her, his lshita , in her. Then why did he never tell her?
He looked up and turned putting his free arm around her, cocooning her almost.
What would I have told her? He asked. Your mom is dead darling. Then she would have asked more questions, aakhir tumhaari beti hai, he saud fondly.
How did she die papa, did you both love each other, why does everyone cry when talking about mom, why do you not keep any photos of her at home papa, who do I look like, who do I talk like,...and then someone n would have surely told her, that your mom left you because of your dad, then what ? I would again lose my reason for existence , ishita, i would have no reason to live , once again...
Call me cruel , call me possesive, call me selfish or call me plain blind or cowardly. In my weird twisted way, i thought i was protecting her. Giving her a 'happy' childhood that we would have wanted to, you would have wanted to. And then when she was old enough to see the realities of the world I would have told her, or that's what I kept telling myself...
Ever heard of the story of Prince Siddharth who later became Gautam Buddha he asked, now a genuine smile across his features. She smiled back and he continued.
The father, the king was so worried that his son might turn away from him if he saw the actual realities of life that he literally kept him in an artifical world . A world with no sadness, no illness, no death, no worries - a parallel happy world. I think that's what I tried to give Pihu too. A happy childhood, with parents who loved her , with a family who loved her and anything she wished for.
And we all know how that story ended, Raman, she said , snuggling closer to him as a chilled breeze blew across, children need to see the real world for what it is., even if it is ugly and sad. Ever thought that reality might hit harder when you cover it up with a blanket of lies. You feel like your whole world crumbles when you see the truth for what it is...
She felt him stiffen now as he pulled apart..
'Quite like what I felt seeing you again after so many years, he paused. .alive and with Mani of all the people in the world, that Mani, he said , his expressions again inscrutable.
To be continued. ..
Jaane Anjaane Hum Mile
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