~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ishita stared at Raman's arched back, sensing the rigidity even though they had been surrounded by silence for a while. Raman's words and her realization had struck her like a bolt of lightning. But she was determined, she had decided she would reassure him, she was going to help him trust her, trust love and most of all trust himself.
She had come to know Raman well she had assumed. When she had admitted to herself that she loved him she had gauged that the man she was married to wore a mask to hide his emotions that were raw and vulnerable. He perceived emotions as a weakness that made him susceptible to deception. It was for the same reason that he had turned so defensive and territorial recently when he felt threatened by Mani...
Knowing Raman she would expect him to react more aggressively. Fight it out with her and question her. But he had given up too soon. She was still numb with shock at his suggestion that she move on in life with Mani whom he assumed was a man she would choose as a partner if given the choice. He had been ready to let go off Ruhi, unthinking how the family would react to it. She would have taken it as a callous decision but it only broke her heart that he didn't think he was deserving of the pure and requited love the child could offer him...all for her. Because he knew she couldn't live without Ruhi, because he didn't want them to be targeted by the vindictive ex-wife and boss who didn't seem to spare him a moment of peace.
Didn't he for a moment think to fight for her love, fight against Mani if he thought of him as a hazard and attempt to win over her? Maybe he had...his touch, his words and his hurt told her enough. But he was ready to accept defeat...and after almost a year of knowing him she realized just how badly Shagun had damaged him.
That would change, she would let him know he deserved a family, deserved her and the kids. She was going to tell him she loved him, loved him for who he was, that he didn't have to be insecure. Because too bad, she wouldn't leave him either way. And then when he had heard all of this, she would make sure she let him know once and for all, that she was no Shagun... and she wouldn't have him judge her through the mirror of his past for the rest of their life.
It had started to rain now, and the bandage she had wrapped around his hand was getting soaked as he gripped the grills of the window.
She went over to him, and without a warning held him by his elbow to pull him inside the room," Tum ab bhi yahi ho?"
"Toh aur kaha jaungi Raman?" she retorted as if he'd asked something too obvious.
"Anywhere away from me, at least out of this room if not the house," he stated.
"And why would I go anywhere?"
His brows quirked mockingly," After all that I just did... how are you even looking at me?"
"Because running away from situations doesn't make them vanish in thin air. I can run away and escape from you, but I can't hide from my own feelings Raman, and neither can you," she bravely claimed, surprising him.
"I have nothing to hide from," he said looking away even as she forcefully pulled him beside her on the couch.
"Really? So is it usual for you to get this drunk? Talk incoherent? Almost force yourself on your wife? A wife you haven't once touched because you wanted to or she wanted it, because you and her have a relation... but because you wanted to claim her."
"Don't do that Ishita," he piped up. "Please don't you ever imply that I would physically force you? A minute ago you had responded to me, I took that as a yes... And then you pushed me away as if I had abused you... Something I would NEVER do, and I thought you knew that," he looked at her, hurt evident in the way he stared at her.
"But you're guilty about it, being harsh on yourself for it," she said holding his injured hand up for him to see.
"Of course I'll be guilty. Did you see your face when I was inches away from you? You didn't but I did. And I felt like a monster. A monster I would have murdered with bear hands had he ever come even in a meters radius of you. This is nothing close to the punishment I deserve," he said gesturing to the injured hand she held in hers.
"Raman I didn't flinch because I was scared of you or because I took your touch as an assault. A minute ago I was ready to surrender to you, not because I was wanton and desperate but because I felt desired by my husband... the man I wish to spend the rest of my life with. Because it would be wonderful to have a relation where I am not just his daughter's mother, but also his wife. Of course that doesn't take away the fact that like any other woman I too have physical needs... and I am not ashamed of admitting them to you," she blatantly acknowledged, without the slightest of hesitation.
He gazed at her with sudden surprise. It was so rare for Ishita to admit to her feelings, that he couldn't help but want her to go on for as long as he knew the deepest of her desires, "I stepped back because I didn't want to get in bed with you feeling wanted and loved only for you to wake up the next morning and push away the memories of this night as a mistake. I didn't want any of what happened tonight pinned as an aftermath of your heavy drinking," her voice trembled thawing his heart.
His face softened for the first time in a while and he scooted closer to her. Holding her chin tenderly he asked," Do you think I can stoop that low? Make love with you out of anger and shun you the next day?"
"You shunned me like I was nobody to you in front of the whole world today, hailed your ex-wife as the reason of your success when she quite clearly doesn't deserve that attention Raman...And all this after you and me formed a bond based on friendship and companionship," she reminded him, as he stared away speechless, "Just because we hadn't spoken in clear terms about it doesn't mean it never existed. How could you do this to me?" she demanded, her temper unchecked, "How could you demean me to this extent? Do you hate me so much Raman?"
"Hate? How could I ever hate you? Do you really think I do?" Words crawled out feebly as he tried restraining the tears that were brimming his eyes. He wanted her to know of his love, the love that would destroy them if left unexpressed.
"But you've always hated Shagun...And you still gave her the pleasure to gloat tonight, only to spite me?" she implored.
She looked up at him, expecting a response she had been prodding him for. She wasn't going to reign her feelings anymore, be it her hurt or her love. And she wasn't giving up until he bared his heart out to her either. They had hidden from the truth and from each other for far too long.
"Look at me Raman and face the truth. If you can doubt me of infidelity then have the guts to accuse me of it on my face," she challenged him, making him look up at her sharply...the mention of the unsaid so vividly had jostled him
She smiled sardonically, shaking her head at him," You don't have the guts?" she mocked.
Anger flickered within him at her jibe and the damn burst open," Don't you mock at me like that Ishita? Don't look at me as if I am a husband prone to misunderstand and accuse his wife because his memories don't stop interfering with him. This has nothing to do with any of that Ishita."
"Really Raman?" she wished to argue, but he cut in.
"Yes really...You tell me Ishita...What would you do if a girl from my childhood came into our lives tomorrow, claiming to know me the best, challenging you every second of everyday in trying to prove that you weren't good enough. What would you do if everyone from our family would sing her praises and tell you they had in mind to pair her with me at one point? What would you do if that friend would bluntly tell you that you weren't deserving to be a part of my life, that you weren't a good enough wife for me? And how would it feel if all this time I wouldn't do anything to stop any of this from happening? If I would approach her for every problem... little or more. If I would willingly spend most of my time with her...talking, confiding and trusting her...instead of you? Tell me Ishita... Whether or not you had a cheating husband from a first marriage...would you not be alarmed by any of this? Would you be unaffected and still trust me blindly?" he quizzed her, and he wasn't going to stop.
A painful lump chocked her throat... Was this how Mani and her friendship had come across? Was this how he had ended up feeling? Neglected, insulted and mocked? How had she overlooked his emotions, or of how he would perceive her constant dependence on a friend? Had she even realized what she had ended up doing? No she hadn't. In her happiness of regaining an old friend she had mistakenly although unintentionally forgotten to care for him. Her intentions, her thoughts had always been centered on Raman but her actions hadn't spoken of the same. Raman had seen her call Mani for help, but hadn't known it was done for him. Raman had seen her confide to Mani, but not known that the topic of almost every of their discussion was also him.
It dawned on her that there was very little to say or do that would justify herself. Raman might have been wrong in presuming the worst of her, but had she undergone what he had, she would have felt no different. Not long ago she had given into her insecurities and trusted a stranger Sanjana whom she had known for not more than a few days. For an extremely reasonable and sorted woman like her, that sort of mistrust had been brash... But could she blame herself for it? She was a woman and a wife... A wife that was falling in love with her husband that she had never expected to even admire. Wasn't it normal for her to be jealous? And she had been insecure about a woman her husband had supposedly been close to before marriage to her. Mani and her friendship, no matter how innocent had been in exhibit to him after their marriage.
He had walked away again and stood with his back to her. She could see from the bend of his shoulders at how forcefully he was trying to restrain the dam that had burst open. She walked up to him wanting to reach out to him in any way she could and wrapped her arms around him from behind.
She had silently begun to cry, overwhelmed with guilt and hurt but at a loss of words. She was clinging on to him, hoping that her tears would melt him as they had earlier today. That his concern would overpower his anger and he would turn to take her in his arms, sooth her.
He did turn around, he did look concerned. But he didn't hug her like she wanted and needed. He wiped her tears away, his eyes cold and unreadable and held her by the shoulders till she calmed down," I have behaved pathetically the last few days Ishita. Misbehaving, throwing tantrums, getting drunk and embarrassing you. I not only insulted you in front of the family, and today an entire audience but also proved Mani right. A few days ago he had claimed that I wasn't a good husband, not a befitting life partner for you... and I had ended up taking great offence to it. I had tried proving him wrong by the silliest of antics I thought defined a good husband. But I ended up distressing you instead. Now I know how silly I've been. If I am a good husband, if I am good enough I wouldn't have to prove it. I would be either good however I am or I wouldn't. And you know what I've realized..."
"Raman you can't possibly take Mani's words seriously. You have to know that's not what I think. And he has no right to interfere in my life. He has crossed his limits and I am going to let him know that," she fumed. How dare Mani go behind her back and accuse Raman when she had said or implied nothing of that sort? He was only a friend and there was a threshold he wasn't allowed to cross.
"No Ishita... he's been right all along. I don't know you like he does. I can't make you happy, haven't been able to earn your trust or respect you like you deserve to be. Maine tumhe sirf dukh hi diya hai Ishita. Jabse tum meri life mai aayi ho, maire ya mujhse jude hue logon ki wajah se tumhe sirf takleef hui hai. Aur tumne kabhi kuch nahi kaha... tumne sab chup chaap saha, in fact you've stood by me and this family through it all, helping each one of us out of our miseries. Aur badle mai maine tumhe kya diya? You deserve better than me Ishita. I am nothing like Mani is and he is everything you deserve in a partner," Raman said with such rigidity that it scared her.
How did he not even wince before uttering all that he had? She sobbed...rid of sanity to string two words together...and he went on," I have known this for a while, I've understood that I should let you go if that's what you want...but losing doesn't come easy to me anymore..." his voice trailed and he smiled knowingly at her because it was something she had taunted him for many a times.
She continued and he walked over and held her by her shoulders. He cared, he couldn't see her cry," I thought it would please me to succeed and win over what I was ridiculed for not having. I thought it would make me the happiest to gloat at Shagun and Ashok...and initially it did. But eventually Ishita, what really made my heart happy, what really contended me was you and Ruhi. I learnt the true meaning of fulfillment after you came into my life," Raman confessed... his eyes not cold anymore but pleasantly warm, proof of how genuine every word he said was.
She looked at him with yearning, longing to hear what she thought he would say," But If there's something I've learnt after being with you... It's that if I will hold onto my anger and bitterness, it would kill me and all those I hold dear to me. Aur tum mere liye bahut mayne rakhti ho Ishita," he told her intensely, raising her hope before uttering what crushed it completely," And that's why...even if it's been the hardest thing to accept and will be the hardest thing to do... I have to let you go, without any grudges, bitterness and anger. Not because I am being a martyr but because I love you so much that I can't be selfish to imprison you in a life you never deserved. I love you Ishita, like I have never loved anyone before, and that is why I can't have your life ruined because of me, I wouldn't forgive myself for it," he managed to utter before turning from her and walking away.
She had been crying, her eyes hazy and head dizzy...finding it agonizing to contain herself but as excruciating to retort. But when he said the last few words, without a pause, without any obvious hesitation and simply walked away, she couldn't help feel boundless, impotent rage.
Her husband had just confessed his love to her...uttered the words she had been yearning to hear from him, and then said he would walk away from her? How could he decide for her without even attempting to know her wishes? Wiping her tears she stomped towards him in long strides, stopping him from crossing the threshold of the room...shutting the door with a bang and enclosing him against it.
He looked at her, startled at the palpable anger emanating from her," Wait right here Raman Kumar Bhalla," she glared fixedly at him, eyes dry and determined. "You may be cowardly enough to walk away from me at the first sight of trouble but you're no one to decide that I should be doing the same."
"Ishita..."
Ishita fought the quiver in her voice to stabilize herself," You can't decide what I feel, what I want or don't based on your own assumptions. You can't let me go' and destroy what we have merely because you decided that's what you SHOULD be doing instead of asking yourself if that's what you really want. You are walking away without hearing what I have to say. Ye ek shaadi hai koi mazaak nahi hai. Humne aaj tak itne mahino mai ek baar bhi dhang se baat tak nahi ki hai... Have you ever thought that we wouldn't be facing this and many other issues had we once thought of sitting down and having a discussion, conversing like decent human beings? We fight, we bicker and we escape. But this is not a joke and you have to be man enough to face that," she was losing her patience now, but trying very hard to not give that away.
"I thought you were a possessive, passionate and dynamic man Raman. You can do anything for those you love and care about, and yet you give up on me without a fight? Am I not worth it Raman? Kya mai iss layak bhi nahi hun?" Her composure finally gave away, tears that had been brimming her eyes ran down relentlessly.
He'd had enough, he was unable to see her crumble in front of him, questioning if she wasn't admirable enough to be with. He couldn't ever put in words how much of a fight he could put up to have her in his life, how badly he had wanted to thrash anyone who dared to stop that from happening, how fiercely he had come to respect and love her. But he couldn't do that unless he was sure it was what she wanted too.
He held her shaking form and wrapped his arms around her, resting his cheek on her hair. He stood silently providing a welcoming solace they needed in the wake of the frenzy they were caught in.
"I would do everything it took for us to be together...if ...If I would be sure it's what we both wanted."
"Of course I want to be with you Raman, you're my husband..."
Raman smiled caustically, walking away a little," Only because I am your husband... Sirf Ruhi ke liye, parivaar ke liye? I didn't mean being together for everyone but ourselves Ishita," he said sounding piqued.
She followed him, angrily pushing him to the couch and brazenly settled herself on his lap," You are such a unbearably stupid man," she rambled theatrically, holding his collar and shaking him," I had thought we would do this more normally or romantically, but I think whatever we do has to be either between a mess or just unusual...so here it goes. I don't want to be with you ONLY because I want to have Ruhi, not because of any social obligation...but because I love you...I love you Raman...I have been meaning to say this for a long time but I kept evading it because I wouldn't be able to bear if you didn't feel the same...but now I don't care...I.." she was interrupted.
"You love me?" Raman muttered, not sure if he was asking her or just repeating to believe it. She read the surprise in his tone, the relief in his eyes...
"Can't I love you? Why is that so unbelievable?" Her words were clipped.
Raman sighed, he had been burnt too many times to embrace happiness the second it appeared. He looked at Ishita stare at him with fury, love, concern, hurt... and all he wanted to was, pull her into his arms and kiss and caress all the pain away. But there was much to be said and clarified," I wouldn't be surprised if you had said this a month ago when I had almost heard you confess it to Mihika. But now... I can't help but wonder why you would choose someone like me over someone like Mani. He's a man easy to love, without any baggage, without the mess my life is.
"But he's not you Raman. Mani is JUST a good friend, has always been and always will be. I don't love him, I love you. Don't you trust me? Do you really think there's something between me and Mani?" she questioned, hurt and helpless.
She stared at him, as his eyes brightened with unshed tears. She knew he wanted to grasp to her words, believe them too, but he just wouldn't..."That's the last thing I would ever want to think, let alone believe Ishita. Par tumne uss din khud hi toh kaha na Mani se, ki tum uske saath," he fumbled," Then those lies to meet him, his name changed on your phone...I've seen and heard too much Ishita. And I never wanted to believe any of it... But coincidentally all that has happened with me once before and I turned a blind eye to it then, I just couldn't do the same now," he tried explaining.
It crushed her to be compared to his ex-wife, for his past to shadow their present again. Why should she have to pay a price for Shagun's faults? He had to learn to trust her. But try as she might, she couldn't accuse him of something she would have done too.
She felt remorseful,"Meri wajah se aap...you had to relive everything. I have been so ignorant and callous towards you and your feelings and I am so so sorry. But Raman you have to believe me, because I am not going to be able to plead for an insinuation like this, that would be disgraceful to me and my love for you."
She recounted how she and Mani had teamed only to help him. And had lied because she knew he didn't like when she spoke to Mani. She had only wanted to lessen his burden, save Ashok from mangling his image. She clarified insistently that what he had seen at Ruhi's Taekwondo class had only been two friends humoring each other and nothing literal.
With each word she had said he had felt a weight lifting from over him. Freed of fear but replaced with shame, "Why wouldn't you just tell me Ishita? Mujhse chupa kar kuch bhi karne ki kya zaroorat thi. This was related to me, this was about our family. Whether about my position, or about Romi... we could have done it together. We've stood together and helped each other out of so much, we could have done the same even now. There was no reason to involve a third person in any of this Ishita. Am I not capable enough to fight Ashok, save my reputation, get Romi to see sense? Tumhe mujhe jhoot bolke Mani ke saath ...I respect that he is your friend, but he's no one to be involved with what happens internally in my family..." he claimed.
He sighed painfully," Do you know how it felt going through what I did lately? Do you know how it feels right now knowing I've let you down so terribly by disrespecting our relation, our trust by believing the worst of what I saw?" He linked his fingers with hers, caressing them tenderly.
"I am so sorry Ishita, I am really sorry," he clasped their hands together, bringing hers to his lips. Kissing her softly he stared at her, in guilt, in contemplation. "I can't justify what I've said or done...But none of it testifies that I don't trust you. Mai khud ke aagey majboor ho gaya tha Ishita. What I was witnessing, was so blaringly reminiscent to what I have before that I was blinded by it..."
"But I am not Shagun Raman... and I thought you knew that," she finally stated what had been nagging her. "I know I wronged you. You were trying to lessen our distance, trying so hard to prove to me that you were a worthy husband and I pushed you away...but I never meant to," she cried," And I'll do everything to rectify that, but I can't have Shagun's shadow trail me every step of the way," she insisted firmly, letting him know that they could have contentions as any couple did...but she wasn't going to bear being compared to his ex-wife repeatedly. "You have to learn to trust me Raman, you have to learn to curb your impulse that makes you say and do outrageous things. I am not going to sit and bear unwarranted insults in silence because of your ex-wife.
Raman nodded...pulling her to himself. He let his hands stroke her back, and the other cradle her head in the concave of his neck, dropping light kisses on her forehead and temple mumbling repeated apologies to her...She was shaken and wearied, so he let his touch sooth her.
After a few minutes of thoughtful silence he finally spoke, "Ishita...For a long time now I had been despising the idea of attachments, family, let alone marriage. I ignored my little girl because she was the only person I had left that was a part of me. I had lost too much and if I would have lost her it would have killed me. So I distanced from her, realizing what it was costing her. But I only knew that I was lacking somewhere that people drew away from me, and for it to happen with Ruhi too..." he gulped...struggling. She threaded his hair, egging him to go on.
"But when you came into our lives, and I saw you with Ruhi, it dawned on me that a parent stops being just an individual after the birth of their child. I was responsible to bring her into this world and irrespective of what my personal struggles were they shouldn't stop Ruhi from being loved and nurtured. Aaj agar Ruhi mere paas hai, if I am able to have this beautiful bond with her, it's all thanks to you," he smiled, smoothing her hair.
"Tumne mujhe woh zindagi di jiske khwab bhi dekhna chod chuka tha. You stood by me even when I never asked you to. Tum meri dost bani, woh ek iklauti insaan jisne mujhse kabhi badalne ko nahi kaha. You accepted me as I was...battered, irascible, arrogant...You didn't weaken against me, but contested me all the way if you thought I was wrong. It was all that I needed in my life...I didn't need someone to agree to everything I said or to just balm my wounds and sympathize with me. I needed bluntness. I needed someone to believe that I was worth it. And you've given me all that and so much more."
He cupped her face now, mindlessly grazing her supple skin," Please believe me when I say this... I trust you, I really do. Mujhe pata hai tum Shagun nahi ho...I wouldn't insult my enemy by comparing them to her, then you're someone I deeply love," he paused, and Ishita keenly awaited.
"It wasn't about you... It was about me Ishita. Mujhe tumhare saath woh sab mila jiski mujhe umeed bhi nahi thi. I was scared every day to lose it again. Aur pichle dino jo bhi hua, it just took me back to the times when I was always only questioning my worth. But that's not on you, woh tumhari galti nahi, who meri kamzori hai. If you've given me what I never had, I should be able to fight my own demons and trust you...and I tried. It's not like I saw something and just blindly believed it. I've battled with these thoughts within myself endlessly...but I failed and I can't feel sorry enough," he said regretfully.
They both had a part to play in this mess, but he had to fess up for his faults, for suspecting her," I am sorry Ishita, I am very sorry. Nothing I do or say now can redeem my mistake. And it's pointless that I make empty promises. But will it be enough if I tell you that I will try? I will try and be all that you deserve. Mai tumhe khushiyan de paun ya nahi, tumhe aansun nahi dunga...not intentionally at least."
His words...so heartfelt, so profound moved her deeply. Raman was someone who guarded his feelings and pretended to be invulnerable even when he wasn't. For a man who seldom spoke his heart, these honest confessions were akin to all the wealth she could ever obtain.
Ishita smiled tremulously, staring at his grave face that looked imploringly at her. She lifted her palm to the side of his face, cradling his cheek...stroking his obstinate beard," When you have the strength to sacrifice for me, to think about me before you Raman, then why don't you do the same to fight for me? Agar aap mujhse pyar karte ho, toh jatate kyun nahi?"
He leaned into her palm, sighing in pleasure," I told you why..."
"Because you're scared of loving me?" she queried curiously.
He nodded in negative, lacing his arms around her waist...embracing her closer," Of losing you..." he admitted.
"Because of what happened to you in your past? How long will that eclipse our relation Raman? You don't deserve this, and I sure as hell don't either."
"It's not like that..."
"Then what is it like Raman? Because if you're talking about fear. You don't think I am scared? You think it has been easy for me to be married to you, to be married at all? It takes a lot of nerve for a girl to leave her parents and get married into another family. Marriage is like an all new life, a start from scratch. Do you know how scary that is Raman?"
"I know Ishita."
"No Raman you don't... no one can know. It was harder for me than others. I was left by a man who claimed to love me for twelve years, who had promised me loyalty, companionship and understanding...all that makes life a fairy tale because I was infertile. Do you know how it feels to be rejected not once but innumerable times for a medical condition that is not your fault? To be treated as a lesser woman because you are worth only the child you can birth?" Her voice grew thicker and Raman reached out to her.
"You were right Raman... it isn't easy being married to you. It wasn't easy to think about marriage to whoever it maybe. We married because of Ruhi, I agreed for the love I had for her. I saw that she needed me. But it terrified me every moment and still does that had it not been for her, would I still be welcome here?" she cried and he held onto her because that was all he could do.
"Yes, marriage to you is complicated. You have an ex-wife who doesn't spare you even though she has left you legally, who is obsessed with the idea of causing you and me pain. Although I've never understood what I've done, except married a man SHE had cheated and left six years ago," she ranted and even the somber tone didn't prevent a smile from forming on Raman's face. How he loved it when she became the JKR he was head over heels in love with.
"You have an ex-boss who is more interested in creating trouble for the both of us than sort his own personal and professional life that is forever in the dumps. It isn't easy facing both of them and not getting frustrated. It wasn't easy marrying into a family that advocated everything exactly the opposite of what I had grown up believing in. This house, Simmi, Romi, Mummy ji...all of them didn't want to accept me. They drew constant hurdles against me, and if they didn't...their lives indirectly altered mine. And you know exactly what I am implying Raman," she vented. "And you think you're easy. You are arrogant, short tempered, khadoos, Ravan," she berated, jabbing her finger in his chest making his eyes shoot up in surprise. "You are the most difficult person to understand. You say one thing and believe another and then even get angry if I go by your said word. And don't you dare smile, because this isn't funny," she berated him on noticing a tinge of amusement creep up his face.
"Nothing was a prance in the park for me Raman. Everything from the word go of our marriage was a challenge, and it was alright because I knew I was here to be Ruhi's mother, her guardian. I told myself every time I thought I should run away that I was a parent and then anything else. I convinced myself that nothing apart from her would affect me. But I couldn't hold back. I got drawn to all of you, let my guard down and became one of this family, fell in love with you and that's not something I can't or want to reverse just because you are scared...because guess what Raman, I am scared too. But I won't let that be an excuse to bail out of what we have," Ishita broke, breathless but determined. Her voice was steady but lips trembling.
There was silence, Raman sat with his head lowered, his chest gripped with painful tightness. He had avoided confrontations with her for so long because he didn't want to be affronted with the fact that he had disappointed her. He nodded, then whispered... his voice thick," I said it myself Ishita. I don't know why you would pick ME over someone like Mani..."
She held his chin and tipped it upwards so he could face her," And I told you because Mani isn't you Raman..."
"And what am I?" he smirked derisively." A stubborn, flawed man-child?"
"Who isn't flawed Raman? Perfection doesn't exist, neither do perfect people. I wasn't looking for perfect when I married you because look where an apparently' idealistic relation got me," she snorted.
"Subbu was everything I needed in a man. He was soft spoken and humble with the same ideals in life as mine. We thought and said the same things. Everything in our lives seemed faultless...but it was after all only an illusion. When the time came...he turned out gutless. He escaped because he couldn't accept a flaw. He didn't have the grit in him to face what would come along if we married. He would have to answer questions, dodge social pressure...And for him others mattered more than me."
"But you aren't like that Raman. And I realized that very soon in our marriage. You aren't a man to run away from challenges, not in the least from imperfections. You accepted me as I was, never weighing me down with expectations or asking me to change and be someone I wasn't. Even if you didn't agree with me, you voiced your displeasure, but never asked me to do what I didn't want to."
Raman smiled, disbelieving the credit she was bestowing on him. Threading their hands together he stroked her knuckles, "I think you're talking about yourself... because you've done all that for me Ishita. Accepting the douche as he was, not complaining or fighting, never expecting...And why would you? I hadn't promised you anything... in fact I've told you over and over how our lives won't cross each other's unless it was about Ruhi," he bitterly reminded.
"And even in spite of reminding me that I didn't have anything to do with you, you've stood by me through thick and thin Raman. You've taken a stand for me even if it meant going against your family, even if you had to face their anger and resentment. We've had our differences, but they didn't deter you from being my constant support...We had trust issues, but once you believed I was right you backed me until the end..."
She twined her arms around his neck, caressing at his nape," Mai jaanti hun ki kitni mehnat karke aap iss position par pahunche. Aapke liye aapka kaam, aapki job kya mayne rakhti hai. It was a place you could lose yourself in and forget whatever was happening with you. I know it because that was what my clinic was for me when I was going a rough patch. Aur iss sabke bawajood aapne mere career ke liye apna career aur integrity daav par laga diya, ek baar soche bina," her eyes soaked reminiscing how overwhelmed she had been on knowing that her husband regarded her career so imperatively.
"You're not a model husband Raman. You fight with me, bicker and most of the times deride me...whether intentionally or not. But you're the one who make me the happiest, make me laugh and smile the way I haven't ever. Life with you has challenged me internally and revealed a part of me I didn't know existed. I had begun believing in what the world said about me, doubting and self-probing...and sinking into a shell. I had started to behave and be what would please others. But with you I had to do nothing. I could scream, shout, retaliate, call you names...do whatever I wish but didn't have to fear that I would be judged. I think you bought the best out of me Raman, gave me the confidence I needed back."
Smiling she leaned her forehead with his," It's not been easy... but it's also been beautiful, more reassuring and promising than I expected. You may not have been what I dreamt of but you are what I needed. I know that I'll have a lot many obstacles to face... but I am convinced I will have your back too... I love you Raman, and I want to spend my life with you...And if you still don't trust me then I won't convince you anymore. Because even if I've wronged you, I know I've done a better job of being a wife that you should have some faith in me," she broke off...
Raman's heart pounded erratically, flooded with uncontrollable emotion...He stared at her steadily, his eyes brimming with tears of joy. The soul-deep terror he had been experiencing fading, to be replaced by tremendous relief and compassion.
"Raman," she whispered uncertainly at his continued silence and the fear in her voice had him undone.
"Hey," he muttered," Don't look like that Ishita..." he pulled her fiercely to himself in a bone crushing embrace," I love you," he repeated reassuring her over and over.
She threw her arms around him, holding onto him with all her strength. He tried soothing her when he felt a tremor run through her.
She shuddered, her arms sliding against his body in a frantic search. "Give us a chance Raman..." she softly uttered in his embrace.
"I am not going anywhere, and I won't let you either," he promised...his voice muffled as he sank into her soft tresses.
"But Raman," she carried on but her words were suddenly drowned into silence by him. His lips descended on her in a kiss... their first. She wanted to protest, she had been unprepared...But his touch on her, so tender yet so carnal had her responding in fervor. She had imagined this moment in her mind a number of times, the anticipation of which had made her nervous yet intrigued. But the experience clouded all thought and she surrendered herself. He had told her he loved her, and that was the thread she would hold onto.
She groped against his shoulders to balance herself, as his tongue searched her mouth. She moaned against him and the sound of pleasure only aroused him more.
In a swift motion he picked her in his arms, walked towards the bed and lowered her into the blankets, not once breaking away to breath. He meticulously unpinned her saree, peeling it away from her. His fingers glided down her arms, lips trailing her skin with kisses. She quivered under his touch, but responded eagerly...grazing his chest, unbuttoning his shirt, pulling him lower and closer.
He buried himself into the shallow of her neck...kissing her, as his hand stroked her. The feel of his breath at her nape had her panting with need. She cupped his jaw, urging him to come closer and possessed his lips in hers. He smiled against her, savoring the tenderness and love she had to offer.
Consumed with desire he raked up her skirt to unfasten it. Dazed she looked at Raman with nervous eyes.
"Raman," Ishita quivered in panic. He understood, slowed his movements and laid down beside her, combing his fingers through her rippled hair.
"I am sorry." she said in guilt of desisting him.
"You don't have to be," he bent down to kiss her forehead. "I am sorry...I rushed into it didn't I? But I couldn't help it," he professed, his wet eyes expressing his ardor.
She gasped noticing the same," Aap ro rahe ho Raman?"
"Aankh mai kachra chala gaya..." he said, and she laughed," Pata nahi aap hi ki aankhon mai kyun jaata rehta hai," she caressed his face and asked again," What happened?"
"You tell me the most beautiful, poignant words a man in love would want to hear and then ask me what happened?" he beamed at her, shaking his head.
"And I meant every word of it..."
"I know," he murmured.
He lay up on his elbow, letting his silent presence sooth her. Entwining his fingers with hers he let his thumb tenderly rover over her whitened knuckles," What is it Ishita?" he prodded, reading her unrest.
She moved over to him, snuggling into his arms...resting her head on his chest," Nothing Raman...It's just ...This is all so new..."
"If you mean by what I did...if it made you uncomfortable, I won't...We'll take it as it goes, there's no hurry."
"No Raman," Ishita intervened hastily," It's not that. I am just...I don't know how to..." she struggled to explain.
"You've been telling me so much today, your inmost secrets and feelings... And now you're scared?" he pointed amusedly.
"I am not scared Raman. But intimacy ...it's overwhelming. I didn't think I would ever have it, I didn't prepare myself. I don't want to disappoint you, I don't want you to be with me now and tire of me eventually Raman?"
For all her boldness today, for all the fight she put up to knock sense into him and make him hers, there was still an uncertain and scarred woman hiding within her. And that woman needed the shield only he could provide.
"Do you think that of me? Why on earth would you think I could tire of you Ishita?"
"Because... "she paused," Maybe because you deserve better, you had someone better..."
"After everything we've fought, struggled and spoken over today. You come back to tell me you think Shagun was better? Are you now going to insult yourself? Because I am not waiting around to witness that," Raman retorted in slight annoyance.
Ishita tugged him closer instantly," I didn't mean that Raman... Shagun is no good. She wasn't good a wife, wasn't a good mother and there's no argument over it but there's no denying she has given you two beautiful angels, who are the closest to your heart. She's given you Ruhi and Adi, your darling kids. Something that I can't give you even if I want to...I cant.."
Raman quietened her," She hasn't given me Ruhi, you have," he said matter of factly, and he needed no reason to elaborate. "If not for you I would have still been brooding over what I didn't have rather than be thankful for what I did."
In a forceful stride he placed her on the bed and moved over her, confining her with a steady gaze, "After admitting yourself that a medical problem doesn't define you, you think I am going to determine you and our relation on it?"
"I don't blame myself Raman, but I love you and as your wife I want to give you every happiness..."
"And you haven't already?"
He lifted his finger to her lips when she tried interrupting "Look Ishita...I was always a simple man who yearned a decent marriage, a stable job and a happy family. But destiny had different plans and..." he paused and shrugged. "But after you came I got to be the person I always wished to be. I just wanted someone to have my back be my anchor, to be happy with me for the silliest of reason and to stand beside me as an equal." Cupping her face he bent to kiss her cheek," You've accepted me, recognized me for what I am and chosen to love me... that's all the pleasure I need."
Deeply moved her eyes pricked, "You know what people say about me?" she teared. "They say I am an incomplete women..."
"They can be damned," he retorted gruffly. "You don't have to prove anything to them. You don't have to crucify yourself for a couple of regressive and narrow minded people."
"I don't crucify myself, but it's still a flaw..." she said in a muffled voice.
He held the tear that was streaming down and pecked it away," We're all dents and bruises pieced together...and they make us who we are. Scars aren't perceived as beautiful but they are a part of our existence, they make us unique. We have to embrace them Ishita... our own and each other's. If you're scared that you aren't perfect then sweetheart I should be petrified," Raman snorted. "But if you are talking about a medical problem that stops you from conceiving... that doesn't matter to me," he whispered softly.
"Would it still not matter to you if didn't have Adi and Ruhi? If I was the first woman in your life?" They were conversing so unreservedly for the first time in so long, she was unable to hold back.
"I love being a father Ishita, I love our kids. Adi and Ruhi are a part of me and I am gratified to have them. But that doesn't mean I believe that the success of a marriage depends on having children. My first broken' marriage validates that. Even having two kids couldn't save what had to be ruined," wiping the tears that flowed endlessly he pecked her," This. What we have is what will last forever. We'll be with each other for a lifetime. Our kids will grow up and eventually move on to their own lives... And then it's just us Ishita. You are already a mother and biology doesn't change that for me. But if in the future you would want to get a treatment or want to adopt so you could experience motherhood or raise a child...It would be for your happiness, for your desire...for you...not to prove anything to anyone in this world."
Ishita swallowed hard, trying to suppress the lump in her throat that choked her. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this immense satisfaction as she did now. She hadn't even in her wildest dreams imagined to be loved with this passion, admired with this zeal. She had mulled over her future with Raman all evening, lost hope and then regained it...almost lost but found him. And now she wouldn't ever let him go. She knew he wouldn't...
She pulled him lower wordlessly, seizing his lips with hers...holding him around his back. She felt a rush of longing she had never experienced. She tugged him closer and closer, stroking and cajoling him. He moaned as he felt their bodies brush closer unable to hold himself any longer. If this went on, he wouldn't stop...and he didn't know if she was ready for it yet.
He parted," Ishita are you sure?" he asked breathlessly.
"Make love to me Raman," she gasped and kissed him again savagely...the gentleness of their touch evaporating as the need to feel each other was primal...Raman disrobed her hastily as she plucked his buttons open. Clothes discarded, they huddled under the covers, embracing each other eagerly. His hands moved to her hair grasping them below her neck hauling her towards himself. She licked her swollen lips, inhaling heavily as he traced and ravished her.
He burrowed his head into the valley of her chest stroking and kneading her, making her shudder with pleasure. She arched upwards to receive him, balancing his weight on her...straining to match his rapid pace. She breathed frantically, groaning in need as he teased her," Raman please..." she whispered.
"Ssshh," he soothed her, understanding her impatience...wanting to ease her but failing to abate his craving. She sobbed as her sensations sharpened, her body seeking release. He reached down to grip her, pushing into her...Their bodies fused together trying to match the other's rhythm.
"Raman," she moaned loudly as pleasure tore through her. "I love you so much," he murmured rocking her in a powerful motion and their passion burst forth in a sublime rush. She cried against his shoulder, as pain and pleasure mingled and consumed her.
Raman's hands smoothened her back repeatedly, pressing reassuring kisses on her temple that was slick with sweat. "I love you Raman," came her soft murmur as she settled against his chest grazing it gently...
He gazed at her crimson tinted cheeks glowing with the aftermath of their lovemaking. He touched her soft and gentle... demanding assurances," Are you okay?
"Never been better," she muttered making him smile.
"Did I hurt you?"
"You can never hurt me Raman... never," she spoke in whispers, overwhelmed and enchanted.
They snuggled together, basking in the glory of their love. What a day it had been, what a life they had spent...exhausting, punishing and lonely even amongst so many. But now they had found each other, after crossing a million hurdles that had been unendurable, which now seemed worth it. They were finally together, heart, body and soul and they would never have to be alone...
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