I DID NOT DESERVE THIS
His eyes did not deter from her face even for a moment. Speechless was all he felt as he watched her eyes move from him to the others present in the room until they stopped at where he sat. There was nothing but coldness in them. Coldness which he had never seen, the one he felt spread over his heart looking at her transfixed state at the door. He had no idea of what she had heard or what she knew, but everything of her stance planted the tinge of fear in him. The coldness in her eyes was impossible to meet so he just turned away.
Her heart broke in its own pain the moment he chose to turn his face away, he wasn't able to meet her eyes. How would he.? A tear threatened to escape her eyes but pulling herself together she masked the pain on her face and looked at the persons seated across the table. With firm steps she walked into the cabin her eyes not leaving his lowered ones. A pang of betrayal stabbed through her heart as she walked closer to the table, taking in the sight in front of her. It was really happening. Something inside her shattered, was it the woman, was it the wife or was it the mother.? She didn't know. It took her that one moment to see her world crumbling right infront of her eyes, her husband was looking away from her, his ex wife was sitting at the place she should have been. Yet nothing seemed to be in place. It took her all her strength to realize every word she had heard outside the cabin was true to her disgust. She could have been staring at the whole scenario for minute or hours, every moment of it breaking her bit by bit.
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Dr, Ishita.? You're here.?The doctors words, louder this time brought her out of her thoughts.
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Yeah...yeah...Doctor. I just came to inform you about something... She fumbled wiping the tears away at the corner of her eyes. He didn't miss the tears in her eyes, just when he had looked up hearing her fumble only to find her wiping her tears away silently. He felt miserable, every cell of him knew he was the reason behind those. He didn't know how and when his hand reached up to wipe it away but it didn't move any further a part of him knowing he just may not have the right to anymore.
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Yes Dr, Ishita. Please have a seat. Dr Manoj continued gesturing to the empty seat between the occupied chairs. She cringed at the thought and didn't hold it back from it showing itself. Taking a deep breath she walked further, every step leading her to only break further within. She took another glance at the expectant face of the doctor, the somber face of her husband's ex and the worried face of her husband.
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Its okay doctor. I don't think this is a place for me to be. Her words stunned him. In that instant he looked right at her, she wasn't looking at him neither was she looking at anything, just down at something. His soul shattered at her words. Not a place for her to be. It hit something in him, hard. He looked from her to the doctor to his ex wife sitting there and the loath it brought on was beyond what his heart could take. He kept staring at her as she stood there, trying to be strong but only he could see he had broken her. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out.
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Is everything okay Dr, Ishita.? Silence swept the room as she smiled to her self rather mocking herself. Only if she could tell herself that everything was okay. But even the broken part of her knew, nothing was okay. Nothing was the same as it been minutes ago she had heard her husband and the doctor converse about surrogacy. Never it could be the same the moment she saw her husband's ex wife being at the place she should have been, only if she knew. He did. She could hear the faith in her breaking, bit by bit as it all seemed rather clear now.
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Yes. Everything is okay Dr. I only came to inform you that I am not ready for surrogacy. I cannot allow a third person to be bearing something that is supposed to be ours.She said in firm words composing herself. She felt 3 pairs of eyes staring at her but all she cared about were those pair of eyes which she couldn't look back at. He was staring at her in shock, she knew but she didn't have it in her to meet his gaze without breaking down. She could vaguely hear the doctor throwing numerous questions at her, she heard none. Taking a deep breath, she looked up and faced the worried doctor.
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I don't want this. And its my decision too.
Her words were clear. They were merely words for any person who heard them but for him, it was a slap which never sounded on his cheek. It hit him where it hurt the most, his heart. Her decision. If guilt was the only word, he could feel it filling every inch of him. It was just a matter of words for him which were breaking him. He sat there numb at her words asking himself, what had he done?
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But Ishita..
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I have nothing more to say doctor. Were the last words he heard before he saw her walk away from the corner of his eyes. He wanted to go behind her, stop her, face her but he couldn't get his legs to move from where they stood. His hands still lying limp on the table. He didn't know if it was the gravity or the pull of his guilt not letting him move. A tear rolled down his eye as the realization dawned upon him, he had destroyed everything with his own deeds, his own hands. Fear gripped him as the thought of loosing her struck his heart, it was unbearable.
She stood there waiting for him to step out of the room, reach her so she could say just one thing to him. It all played back, his encounter with his ex wife in the cold storage, his insistence for surrogacy, his consent to it without her having a clue about anything, his ex wife being a part of it all when she wasn't. She held onto the car for support as the pain within her broke through the mask and a sob escaped her lips. She stifled it, but only another followed. She clutched the door tighter, holding onto it of support while everything within her broke.
The sight that awaited him was only the worse half of his wounds. His eyes blurred with tears as he saw her leaning onto the car and the sobs rocking her. Numb, guilty, speechless, miserable, anger, loath he felt all of it consuming him at once. He had broken her beyond anything he could take. He didn't have the courage to walk those few steps that lead to her but he did only to hear her sobs getting louder. A part of him wanted to reach out to her, but the very part of him didn't have the nerve to do so.
She felt his presence. Wiping the tears she could, she faced him. The emptiness in her eyes shook him to his very core. He opened his mouth once again hoping this time his words wouldn't betray him but they did .But hers didn't.
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I..did not deserve this. She said firmly looking into his eyes with nothing but emptiness in her eyes and voice. Those were the only words she said before he saw her sitting in the car and driving away. It wasn't until her car was out of his sight did he sink to the ground, finally letting it all sink in. He had just lost what meant the world to him, her trust. The respect she had for him, the one she had claimed about in the rain. With one thought clouding his mind, he had lost it all. Had he even lost his love.? The thought ripped his heart and he felt the tears wetting his cheeks followed by raindrops. He sat there numb, letting them all soak him, every inch of him his eyes still unrooted from the spot he had watched her drove away. She really had not deserved any bit of this. The realization only brought on more pain as he crumbled, letting the tears roll down his eyes.
The rain splattered the glass of her windows and the tears wetted her cheeks as the sobs finally ripped out of her chest, echoing through the confines of her car, maybe the only place she may find her solace while his wasn't anywhere around him
Anupamaa
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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