Hello everyone... i am back after a long time with another piece of writing... do let me know if you like it... definitely let me know if i can improve my writing...
SS: Sometimes there is no right way!
"You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." ~Friedrich Nietzsche
PART 1
"Akka... Akka... please... open the door"
It is 2 o'clock at night as I bang on my elder sister's door. Amma is at the Naturopathy Retreat and Appa has gone to Chennai to see Sowmya Chitti. I hear someone move with the locks and then see a worried Bala Jiju open the door... I am drenched in the rain... shivering not just because of the cold but also because of his words... I can hear Jiju ask me what I was doing here... if everything was ok... I want to tell him... tell him everything... how I am hurting... how the emptiness within me is consuming me... how I am losing my grip on life... but all I can manage is - "I didn't know where else to go."... I keep repeating the same thing again and again as I hold Jiju and cry... it is as if I am falling and there is no bottom in sight... every time I try to get my bearings, ready to touch the ground... something... SOMEONE pushes me down further...
"Ishu... Ishu... kanna what happened??? Ishu... I am freaking out... did Raman say something???" I hear Akka ask me while her MIL gives me some water... they want to know what had happened... why was I at their place so late in the night... drenched in the rain... my feet all muddy... "Ishu... How did you get here?" Akka asks me... "Did you walk all the way so late at night?"... I hear Akka but I don't have an answer... because I don't remember... the last thing I remember is Him telling me that I was not a mother... that had I really been MY SON'S mother I wouldn't have done what I did... just remembering his cruel words makes me shiver in pain... how could he??? How could he say something like that???
It is 4 o'clock in the morning... I can hear Akka tell me to sleep... I think she forced me to have a glass of hot milk... I can't seem to remember... I lay my head on Akka's lap... I can feel her gently stroke my hair... just the way Amma does it... this brings a fresh batch of tears... I miss Amma... besides Him, she was the only person with whom I could share my darkest fears and secrets... WRONG... she is the only person with whom I can share my feelings... because today clearly proved that anything I shared with Him... he would use against me... that his blind love of HIS family would always make him hurt me... in the past also he has done the same... he used my inability to be a mother... my biggest weakness to hurt me... but I forgave him... in the beginning because he was a stranger and he was hurting... later because I could see that the words were spoken by a desperate father trying to hold on to his son... but this time... this time his words didn't just hurt me... they ripped away that false sense of completeness that I had developed in the last one year... I am not a mother... I was never a mother... and I could never be one... and I never should have believed that I could be one... IT IS MY FAULT... a glorified nanny... that is what I am to him... all his words... all his promises... they were just an illusion... every time... every - freaking - time that he promised to love and cherish me... he hurt me... actually... I am the fool... love and cherish??? These words don't even come close...he cannot even respect me... to him I am the person who takes care of HIS children... HIS family... HIS siblings... HIS house... a trophy to show the world that he leads perfect life... but not this time... this time I am not going to bend... I am not going to let him sweet talk me into forgetting what he said... I know I will forgive Him... after all I love him... but I AM NOT GOING TO FORGET what he said...
Beep... Beep... Beep... Beep... it is 6 o'clock in the morning... I need to get up... Ruhi is waiting for my early morning wake-up call to her... Adi has swimming practise... Raman has a breakfast meeting... Mummy ji has a physical therapy appointment... today also happens to be Simmi's first day at the entrepreneurship training program... I promised I would take care of Ananya... I should get up... but before that... I need my daily fix... I need to feel his presence... just like every day I extend my hand... ready to feel his slightly coarse yet soft hair between my fingers as I stroke his head... only this time I encounter nothing... I open my eyes to realize that I am not in my room... I hear Akka speak to Shravu in a hushed voice... telling him not to wake me up... I smile hearing his protest...
Suddenly everything comes rushing back... I can't take a breath... the pain hits me again... I fall back on to the pillow remembering yesterday's events... the newspaper article... my chat with Adi's counsellor... her insistence that we keep an eye on Adi because Shagun's latest fiasco was a definite setback for him... I remember questioning her about this... after all... she was the one who said that Adi was fine... she gave him the final discharge... but as she said... that was before Adi found out the truth about his biological mother... that was before my 12 year old son had to man up and take a drastic decision... make a choice between the mother whom he had loved blindly and unconditionally and his father, step mother and his paternal family... who showed him a new family dynamic in the last 5 months... she wanted me to be extra careful... to take extra care... look for signs that may indicate that my son may be on a path of self-destruction... after all he had just disowned his mother... there had to be some feeling of guilt and loathing even if he himself never realized it... and hearing that I had panicked... for the next few hours nothing else mattered... all I could think of was protecting my son... and the only way that I could think of was by keeping him in front of my eyes 24X7...hence the NannyCam that I installed in his room... I felt better once the installation was done... but I knew that the only way my fear would completely subside was after I spoke to Raman... because he would then take over and everything would be fine... but everything fell apart... he never allowed me to speak... he just shouted without thought... stripped me of my identity as a mother and let me walk away... that hurt the most...
I slowly sit up and lean against the head rest... after two hours of sleep I begin to view my actions from a different angle... suddenly I feel foolish... I remember the claustrophobic feelings I had when Amma was trying to get me married... the way she had snooped on me and thought that Raman and I were in a relationship... and then she went on to find out his pay scale... that was a new high in my Amma's craziness... and now I realize... I just did the same thing to my son... I my need to protect my son, I became a mother who was oblivious to her son's need to enjoy his childhood... I feel so guilty... my son deserves better... I should have thought before doing what I did... NannyCam??? What was I thinking???
I immediately get up and rush to freshen up... on the way to the wash room I borrow one of Akka's sarees... everyone on the dining table is thinking that I am bipolar... four hours ago I was an emotional mess... and now I am running around the place... I don't have much time to talk as I need to meet Adi before he leaves for his swimming classes... however I promise Akka that I will talk to her once I am back... I can see it in their faces... they thought I was moving back in... but I immediately clarify... "I am going to meet Adi... there are somethings that I need to take care... Akka... is it ok if I stay here for a day or two??? Please Jiju???"... both of them immediately hug me... it feels nice to know that they will always have my back... I will have to fight my own battles but win or lose... they will always be there to tend to my wounds...
Do comment and let me know if you liked it...
PART 2 on Page 4
PART 3 on Page 5
PART 4 on Page 9
PART 5 on Page 10
Anupamaa
11