"What happens when people open their hearts?"...
"They get better."
Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood
~
Letter from Raman to Raman .
"I've never done this before... to pen down my thoughts and reflect on them so it'll probably be messy and it won't make much sense..., but I can't keep it inside of me anymore, I need to let it all out there and I can't talk to anyone so here I am, in the middle of the night with scrap paper and a pen only half working... If anyone was to see me, I'd probably look pathetic to them right now, but there are some things that you can't share with anyone, not even your best friend. For those things, a dog would be perfect. It'll dive its eyes into yours and pretend to listen to everything you have to say without judging you and most importantly, without talking back. I miss Muttu. I should have let Ruhi keep it...
Muttu is not the only one I'm missing right now. Since I'm hoping no one will fall on these pieces of paper, I'll be fully honest and put it in black and white : I miss Ishita too. I think I behaved rudely with her... I can't remember, I was drunk. Again. From what I can remember... we came back from the party... and our building was on fire. Crazy, right? And then... We came here, in those company flats. And I got drunk. I must have shouted at her and said horrible things to her, because the last thing I remember before passing out is Ishita, leaving the room, saying she'll stay at Vandita for now.
She took Ruhi with her. No. That's not quite exact : Ruhi said she wanted to go with her Ishima. I can't blame her. Why would she stay here? At Vandita's place, there is Tingu, and Muttu, while here there's only drunk papa. I should get "Best Drunk Papa" award. Wouldn't that be a great addition to all the awards I got so far? Ruhi, my little angel... She loves me the most, that's true, but she can't live without her Ishima. Sometimes I wonder how she... how we managed before Ishita came into our lives... ? It was only 6 months ago but it seems like it was another life all together.
Ishita... It's been 3 days now. 3 days and 3 nights that she left my side. But I don't blame her. I can't. I was the one who pushed her away in the first place. So I guess... I should be happy now, right? I should enjoy being all by myself, at peace, ... alone. Yep, I'm totally loving it. Okay, maybe not so much actually... especially since I can't fall asleep without her. It's not that I need her body against mine to fall asleep -we've never had that type of relation- but I do need her presence in the room. I can't seem to fall asleep without hearing her smooth breathing, without smelling her perfume in the air, without hearing her soft "good night, Raman"...
I tried to call her earlier. And yesterday. And... well I called her every 15 min since she left. She hasn't picked up my call yet. She must be busy... Or more likely, she is ignoring me. To be completely honest, I know that she won't answer but hearing her voice-mail message is all I got right now, and I'm hanging onto it. Who knew I'd be one day desperate to hear her voice... I'd give anything for her to lecture me one more time. But that won't happen. She does not want to talk to me right now.
How did we end up like that? Where did it go wrong? A month ago everything was just fine between us, but then... then mani appeared out of nowhere and nothing was the same anymore. Every second of every minute of her days AND NIGHTS was devoted to mani. Mani mani mani, left right and center... If she had kept it at that, I could have over looked it. I mean, I devote all of my time to my business, so she can do whatever she wants with her time too. That's not the problem. Problem is she LIED to me. SHE. LIED. TO ME.
Shagun lied to me before, but never did it hurt that much. Shagun used to lie about little things here and there, even before she was cheating on me. But Ishita... She is not like that. She always tells the truth, it was the first thing I got to know about her. So why now... why all of this? Could it be that she really has reasons...? Stop it Raman, there is no point in turning this around in your head over and over. She has the answers, and she has decided against giving them to me. I'll admit I haven't really been deserving lately, I barely let her talk. I should have listened to her more. That's what you get Puttar for telling her to shut up every two minutes...
Ishita... I don't get her either... She tried to tell me that she had her reasons for lying to me, but why should I believe her now? She keeps saying love means nothing without trust... but why am I expected to trust her blindly when I have PROOFS she is doing things behind my back?! I am not gullible. I am not the old Raman anymore. I don't get fooled easily now. That's why I confronted her, to get some answers but it seems like she doesn't understand, it's as If I am not speaking the same language as her. Why doesn't she understand me? Why can't she read into my mind? No... not my mind actually... My mind is confused right now, my mind doesn't know what to think and what to believe itself... But my heart, it knows. If she could read into my heart... that would make everything so much easier. Then she'll know how much I love her, how much I need her and how much I am afraid. Afraid of being unworthy of love.
After Shagun left me, I hid my heart from the world, I protected it with a wall of rudeness and coldness towards everyone. And I found solace in that, it felt good to be in control. People didn't like me because I didn't let them love me. People feared me and respected me at the same time. It helped me rebuild myself, put the pieces left of my heart together. Then Ishita came into my life, and she brought ruhi back to me too. My heart felt whole again. It made me want to put it out there again, to let people touch it. All because of Ishita... And then, I wanted HER to come close to my heart, to see how beautiful it was even though it had been ripped out and stomped upon once before. So slowly, I let her unfold me, I let her put down all of my barriers and brush away my fears so she could make her way to my heart. I felt like if anyone in this world could still love me, it was her...
But apparently I was wrong. Deadly wrong... She came, she saw, and she left. As if what she saw wasn't worth anything to her, as if it wasn't worth being loved. And that hurt. To be defeated in love like that, it kills me. I wish she could see that. But it seems like she can't care about me. There is nothing that links her to me, I am a stranger to her. It made me hate her, and as I enraged against her these past few days, I became a stranger to myself. I hated Shagun for being mean to me, and now I'm being the same to Ishita. What have i become? This must stop. I have to find a way out of this vicious circle of hate, fear and doubts... But what to do, when I know she is blatantly lying to my face?
She lied to me... Yet, I still want to believe I've imagined everything. That's what my heart makes me want to do : ignore everything and believe her every word. I want to trust her. I really want to. But it's hard. I may be over Shagun now, but I'm still not over the wounds she inflicted me. Maybe that's just how things are going to be... forever? Am I bound to be wounded till the end of my life? No, that can't be. Ishita... She gives me hope. She has this power on me. When Shagun left me, I thought everything was over; I thought that all happiness had left me the moment she did, but now, I know that I was wrong.
When I'm with her - with ishita - I feel like the best has yet to come. With someone like her sharing my life, I have something to look forward to everyday, I have a reason to get out of bed every morning. And I don't want to let go of that. I can't afford it or else i'll lose myself again.
Maybe... Maybe I asked too much from her... Maybe I expected too much... When she married me, she gave me her life, and since this day she hasn't stopped giving to me and to my family : her time, her patience, her care, her attention,... And somewhere along the way, I started to want her love too. That's when I failed our marriage - or should I say our contract? Love, it was not part of the deal. She fulfilled her part -she kept her heart away from me- while I failed. I don't know when, I don't know how, but she touched my heart and it has been hers since then.
But she, on the other hand, she has fallen in love with Abhimanyu... and she wants to leave me for him... I heard her say it... and I have no right to tell her not to love him, but I just can't let her leave my side. I can't.
If she doesn't love me, I'm fine with that. I won't force her into have feelings for me. But I have to make her stay, for my family, for Ruhi and for myself. I love her and I need her by my side. I am nothing but an empty shell without her. She brought hope back into my life, she brought me light and faith and I don't ever want to live one day without these things. She... She brought me back to life.
If she does leave me, I know she'll find a way to keep in touch with Ruhi, she'll never leave her behind... but what about me? What will I become in all of this? She is the one who lift me up from the ground where I spent the last 6 years... Who will pick me up after SHE leaves? No. I can't let that happen.
From now on, i'll make everything better, I'll apologize to her to begin with. I'll tell her that we need to try it once again, if not for us, at least for Ruhi, for our families too. We HAVE to give ourselves a second chance, a third chance... F*ck this, we have to give ourselves ALL of the chances! She'll have to listen to me and I'll make her agree on it. I'll be good to her from now on, I'll be civil... I'll stop with the taunts, I'll let her have the bed and I'll take the couch, I'll let her spend as much time with mani as she wants, as long as she promise me not to leave my side, I'll... I'll do everything she wants me to do if that makes her stay. Ishita, she is not as cold and selfish as Shagun, she'll reconsider our relationship. I know she will...
This was lengthier than I expected and I'm running out of paper, I guess I'll have to stop here before I start writing on the table. But I'll just end with that... God, I'll forgive you for what you did to me 6 years ago, if today, you let me have Ishita."
~
Ishita is muffling her sobs as she finishes reading the letter. She knew it was personal and she shouldn't have read it but now she is glad she did.
She came to the new Bhalla's flat this morning to pick up some clothes, and to see how everyone was doing. She waited carefully 9 am before coming here because she wanted Raman to have left for work already. Since their fight in the bedroom - after the party-, she hasn't seen him and she can't bring herself to face him yet, especially after the way he behaved with her.
When she arrived, everyone greeted her gently. No word had been said since the party but they knew she needed some time away and they let her have it without asking her questions. Then she went into their room to pick her items and she saw the papers on the little desk. She recognized Raman's writing immediately and as her brain was telling her not to read it, her heart was pushing her to do so. She gave in and started to read the letter, her heart being thorn each time her eyes fell on a word washed out by what seemed to be tears from her husband's eyes.
Once she is done reading, she realizes that the misunderstanding between them is taking outrageous proportions and it is up to her to make it better. There is no point in being stubborn if that means the end of her marriage. She dries her tears and searches for a pen in her bag. She finds only a red lip liner. It will be messy but she doesn't care as she starts writing.
~
When Raman comes home, he is quiet as he has been for the past few days. His parents don't greet him because they decided to boycott him after his speech at the party. He is getting himself a glass of water when he feels someone hugging him - more like hugging his legs- from behind. As he turns back, he sees his angel Ruhi.
"Papa!!"
"Ruhi?" he kneels down to her level and takes her in the tightest hug she can bear. "Ruhi, my love, what are you doing here? I thought you were at Vandita periamma's place for now?"
"Haa papa, but I came here this morning with Ishimaa because she wanted to pick up some sarees from your room, and before she left she asked me if I wanted to stay here with papa. And since I love papa the most, I said yes!"
Raman smiles as his eyes fill up with tears and he hugs her once again. "Thank you my baby, thank you! I love you the most too!" Then he asks : "And what about Ishimaa... didn't she want to stay with papa too?" His voice breaks as he asks her this. He knows he shouldn't involve her like that but she is the soul of his relationship with ishita.
"Before leaving, Ishimaa said, she'll come back when Papa brings her back!"
Raman is shocked at her words but at the same time, he realizes what Ruhi just told him : "Ishimaa went inside your room". He remembers that weird emotional letter he was writing last night, but he can't remember if he put it away and hid it before going to sleep.
"Give me a second Ru beta. Papa will be right back". He rushes to his room, mentally hitting himself for not using the computer the previous night. At that time, the paper felt less impersonal but he forgot that everyone could have access to a piece of paper whereas no one except him has access to his laptop.
When he arrives at the door of the room, he can see the papers on the desk. He feels like slapping himself for being so stupid.
"Calm down puttar, they are here but that doesn't mean anyone read it... Maybe Ishita didn't see them."
He gets closer and when he sees the red note at the end of his letters, he knows she did see it, and she read it too.
His heart is trying to jump out of his rib-cage as he takes the papers in his hand.
In the right corner at the bottom of the paper, covering his own writing, Ishita added in a red smudgy writing:
"Say you love me to my face Raman. Just say you want me, that's all it'll take."
Raman starts crying, but for the first time in months, it is from happiness and not sorrow.
ps : sorry for typos/bad grammar.
Voila guys ! I don't know why i wrote this. I don't think it's any good but once it's written, why not share it, right? If you liked it, you should thank Insomnia and Jessie Ware. If you don't like it, please leave your critics and blame my non-emotional heart. Much love to all!
Anupamaa
