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Amazing update. Waiting eagerly for your next update
Previously On...
Armaan & Riddhima have started becoming friends, slowly but surely. Riddhima still refuses to tell Armaan that she isn't married despite everyone suggesting it is a good idea.
Riddhima encourages Muskaan to talk to Rahul and tell him that she still loves him. Muskaan asks her to do the same thing.
Armaan and Rahul worry about Tamanna.
Track 32 - A Thousand Years, Christina Perri
Muskaan sighed as she leant against her bedrest. Riddhima's words from earlier were ringing in her ears. It wasn't like she herself hadn't been thinking of talking to Rahul, but it was just that she hadn't been able to muster up the courage to actually go up to him and say something.
In the past 8 years that she'd been alone, her parents had tried to get her married off to various eligible suitors, but she'd always refused, coming up with some excuse or the other, sometimes fighting, sometimes pleading, but never giving in. She hadn't been able to move on from Rahul even a smidge, which was funny given the fact that the two had never been in an actual relationship of any sort.
Before they could have given it a shot, tried to see where it goes, Rahul's dad had fallen sick and then it had been all downhill from there. Rahul leaving her without so much as a goodbye, asking her to move on, but then coming back and pledging his love for her and then, turning away a few weeks later when he learnt of his condition. Yeah, it had all been one huge drama without a whiff of romance. And yet, she still loved him. So very much. Even after all these years.
Only she knew how difficult it had been for her to stay without him for so long - without fighting with him everyday, without calling him names, without irritating him, and without making fun of him. Those little things, those silly little arguments, always trying to one up the other had become so ingrained in her, she never even realized just how important all of it was till she didn't have it anymore. Fighting with Rahul had been the most natural thing in the world for her and she had never thought twice about it, but when Rahul was gone, and she couldn't fight with him was when she realized just how important it was to her.
She missed it and she really, really, really wanted it back. She wanted all of it back - the love, the fights, the silliness. Everything. She wanted to be the Muskaan Chadda that only Rahul Grewal was capable of bringing out. Because, as much as she missed Rahul, she also missed her old self - bubbly, sarcastic and fun as hell. She hadn't been all those things for quite sometime now.
The past seven years had made sure she wasn't the same. The differences between Riddhima & Nikki, the issues between Atul & Anjali, and Armaan & Rahul's absence from her life had taken that girl away. She'd had to be there for her friends back then, bridging the gaps, because it was clear that they would never do it on their own. And she didn't want her friends to have the same fate as her and Rahul, especially not Atul & Anjali, both of whom had been so good to her.
So, on coming back to Mumbai, she'd thrown herself into helping her friends out - being their sounding board, their shoulder to cry on, the one person who encouraged them to move forward. Doing all this for her friends, she seemed to have matured overnight, the loud and outspoken Muskaan getting lost somewhere.
She had relaxed after Atul & Anjali finally got married and Nikki had Nikumbh which prompted relations between her & Riddhima to improve, but she still wasn't the old Muskaan. It took her sometime to realize that most of what Muskaan did back then was fight with Rahul. That's why she was loud.
She hoped that someday, she would be that Muskaan again. She also hoped that someday, her and Rahul would be together again.
In the past 8 years, there really hadn't been a time when she hadn't missed him. She just learnt to live with it a few years down the line. But now, she had an opportunity to make it right, to have him back. She knew that she needed to speak up and tell him, because if she didn't, she would regret it for the rest of her life. And she didn't want to regret anything when it came to Rahul, ever again. She already regretted so much. She regretted that she hadn't packed her bags and followed Rahul to the US, even though she knew it was impossible to have done so because her family, most importantly her brother needed her (he'd been a recovering drug addict when Rahul had to move to the US to look after his dad). She regretted that she'd spent so much time being mad at him when he'd come back to India, just for her. She regretted that maybe she hadn't tried hard enough to convince him that she didn't care that he might never be able to have his own kids.
Now, she didn't want to add another regret to this already long list. The regret of not telling him she loved him when she had the chance. Never.
So, she decided that she would in fact speak to him. As soon as possible. Which was first thing the next morning. Yes. She would do that. She would talk to Rahul, tell him everything.
Maybe, he'd agree this time. Maybe, after all this time, they'd finally be happy. Maybe, after all this time, they'd be together. Maybe, this would give Riddhima the courage to talk to Armaan.
No, Muskaan wasn't going to talk to Rahul because of what Riddhima said, but she couldn't deny the fact that after she did this, she would have an upper hand and could maybe talk Riddhima into telling Armaan was something that made this entirely too tempting. Riddhima was her best friend, the one person who'd understood her plight when no one else had, who'd been there and supported her for a long time, helped her chase the loneliness away, helped her live life again if only just a little.
Riddhima was the absolute best person she knew, who even after going through so much kept her head held high and carried on everyday as if nothing was wrong. She had faced contempt from her colleagues, been on the receiving end of cold glares from her friends, had been ridiculed by her juniors and staff, and yet, she never once wavered, never once accepted defeat. She stood up for herself, for her love, for her Armaan, even if it was a little too late. But, yes. She did it. And doing that took a lot of courage. Muskaan admired Riddhima for that. So very much.
Now, she wanted her best friend to be happy, truly happy. And Muskaan knew that Riddhima could genuinely be happy only with Armaan.
So, really, talking to Rahul would accomplish a two fold goal, and all in all, it seemed to be an amazing opportunity. Which is why she would grab it with both her hands and just go with it. She would tell Rahul that she loved him. Tomorrow. She couldn't wait. Smiling to herself with excitement coursing through her, Muskaan finally fell asleep, dreaming of a future filled with love and togetherness.
Rahul sighed as he leant his head on Armaan's shoulders. Both of them were extremely worried about Tamanna, and after that disturbing nightmare (that Armaan had told Rahul about in vivid detail), they'd both decided to camp out on the floor in Tamanna's room for the night. Just like old times, Armaan had joked. But Rahul knew just how badly they both wished that hadn't been the case, that these "old times hadn't come back to haunt their family.
After everything they'd all been through, didn't they deserve a moment of peace? A slice of happiness? Why was it so that everytime something good happened, it would be marred with such anxiety?
"It's gonna be okay, right?" Armaan asked, feeling extremely vulnerable. He was out of his mind with worry.
"I hope so," Rahul answered. "Tammy isn't the same now. She's stronger. She'll deal, I know."
Armaan nodded against his head. "Yeah, she is. But are we?"
"I don't know," Rahul replied honestly. "Do you think we are?"
"I haven't a clue," Armaan scoffed. "Which is why I'm worried. I don't know what I'll do when he comes around here."
"We'll deal with it when the time comes," Rahul told him. "If it ever does."
"We both know he's going to try to see her. It's only a matter of time," Armaan replied.
Rahul nodded miserably. "Do you think we should tell her?"
Armaan shrugged. "She's so happy with the wedding craziness. I don't want her to worry like us. But, not telling her is just so wrong."
"After the wedding," Rahul decided. "We'll tell her after. It's only a little more than a couple of weeks anyway. And, with my birthday coming up and then Diwali and all the prep for the wedding, we can keep her distracted."
"Hmmm," Armaan agreed. "You're right. But, what if he shows his sorry ass here before?"
"Then we'll deal with it. Aur kya?" Rahul asked rhetorically.
"I hope we never have to deal with it," Armaan answered.
"You and me both," Rahul replied. "I just... Why now? When everything is finally settling down, when we're all happy? Why did have to be now?"
"I wish I knew," Armaan said. Sighing, he added, "Let's talk about something else. I don't want to discuss this anymore."
And he didn't. Armaan absolutely hated any mention of Aniket, at any given point of time. He despised and loathed that man more than anyone else in the entire world.
"What do you want to talk about then?" Rahul asked. "How about you tell me about the surprise party the three of you are planning for my birthday?"
Armaan barked out a laugh at that. "Have you ever told me what surprise you guys plan for me?" He shot back.
Rahul chuckled. "Well, I'm not really worried cause I don't think you'll ever be able to top my surprise of the boy road trip to Vegas on your birthday last year."
Armaan rolled his eyes at that. Rahul was getting a little too arrogant about his surprise for Armaan's birthday last year, and with good reason, but that didn't mean that Armaan wasn't going to have the last laugh.
It was an unsaid competition between the two of them to see who was better at planning a birthday surprise, not just for each other, but for anyone in the family. Among the four of them (Armaan, Rahul, Jaanhavi & Tamanna), they each planned 2 birthday surprises every year and at the end of the year, on Armaan's birthday (since it was the last one in the calendar year), a winner was announced, who got bragging rights for the rest of the year.
Last year, Rahul had totally outshone Armaan with a trip to Vegas for the latter's birthday. Armaan had only managed to snag tickets to a basketball game for the Giants last year and so, Rahul had been the clear winner. Something that he never failed to rub in Armaan's face at every opportunity.
But, this year, Armaan had something absolutely grand in the works and his best friend had no idea about what was gonna hit him!
"Oh, I don't know about that," Armaan smirked, knowing full well that he was sweeping away the competition this year, no holds barred.
"What?" Rahul asked, excited. Seeing how confident Armaan was, he knew that something big must be coming his way. "What have you planned? Come on! Tell me!" He demanded.
Armaan laughed. "No way, Dr. Grewal! You gotsa wait!" He teased.
"Pch," Rahul cribbed. "Is it better than me introducing Jaanhavi to Ian Somerhalder on her birthday this year? Because let me tell you, you buying Tammy that first edition for Pride & Prejudice, while a beautiful gesture, was nowhere near enough to Ian Somerhalder!"
Armaan rolled his eyes. So, maybe Rahul was winning this year, too. He could've gotten Tamanna something a lot better, but he knew that she'd always wanted a signed first edition of her favourite Austen novel. She adored it. Almost as much as Jaanhavi adored that Somerholder guy from the vampy tv show.
He still couldn't believe the lengths to which Rahul had gone to arrange that one 10 minute meeting with the man. He'd later found out how much Rahul had hounded Brooke everyday for it. Being a fashion designer to the stars, as they called it, Brooke Davis knew a lot of famous celebrities, and she'd pulled strings to get Ian. Rahul owed her big time, and they all knew how creative Brooke could get when calling in favours, but Rahul adored Jaanhavi almost as much as Armaan adored her and he was happy to do it for the girl who was like his little sister.
But, if his surprise panned out the way he wished (paperwork was being a huge technicality and he really needed all of it done and dusted if he wanted everything to be ready by Rahul's birthday), it would be the best surprise in the history of surprises and he'd have an upper hand for years to come.
"You know what? There's something else I wanna talk about," Armaan said, not wanting to say something in case things didn't happen the way he wanted them to.
"What?" Rahul asked, curious.
Armaan sighed before speaking. "Look... Don't think I'm trying to push you into anything you don't want... But, don't you think it's high time you spoke to Muskaan?"
Rahul looked away. He really wasn't in the mood for this discussion.
"Armaan..." He trailed off, not knowing what to say.
"Rahul, dekh... You... You love her. And, as far as I know, she hasn't moved on either. So, why do you want to spend the rest of your life pining for each other when you can be together?" Armaan asked.
"You know why," Rahul answered. "I don't deserve her."
"That's a load of bullcrap and you know it. You deserve all the happiness in the world! And you're really being a shitty hypocrite if you think you don't deserve her because of your medical condition. What do you tell Tamanna all the damn time? She of all people in the world deserve everything she ever wishes for. Well, I think the same about you," Armaan ranted.
"Armaan... It's... It's not easy. There's too much history there... Too much heartbreak. I've broken her trust one too many times to go back now," Rahul explained.
"How will you know if you never even try?" Armaan asked. "Ek baar... Just once... Talk to her! See if... If she wants to give it a go too. If she doesn't, well, that's her choice and I know you won't bother her after that, but what if she wants this too? What if she wants you?"
"What if she doesn't?" Rahul fired back.
"Then life goes on," Armaan answered. "You don't have her now, either. So, what have you got to loose?"
"It's easier said than done, Armaan," Rahul told him.
"No, it's not. You're just scared. Admit it," Armaan said.
"Fine! I'm scared. So what? We all are! Tell me, tomorrow, if Riddhima comes back to you, says she wants to give it a try, would you take her back?" Rahul burst out, not even realizing the words he'd spoken in anger before it was too late.
"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed immediately when he realized just what he'd said. "I didn't mean..."
"It's okay," Armaan said, giving him a watery smile.
"No. It isn't," Rahul disgareed. "I had no business bringing that up."
"Rahul, it's okay. I know you said it in the heat of the moment," Armaan reassured him. "And, waise bhi, Riddhima and I... Our situation is completely different than yours and Muskaan's. Riddhima is married to someone else. She isn't coming back to me. Usse aana hota toh pehle hi aa gayi hoti, back when I was pining and crying for her everyday. She saw me in so much pain, but still chose her husband. Why would she come back now?"
"Because she realizes just how much she loves you? Because it took you going away from her for 7 long years for her to realize that?" Rahul replied.
He still remembered his talk with Riddhima out in the garden that day vividly. And since then, there had been this nagging feeling in the back of his mind about what would happen if Armaan realized that Riddhima still loved him. Because, it was obvious that she did. She must have gotten really good at hiding her emotions if Armaan hadn't understood this wee little fact by now. Armaan, the one person who knew her better than anyone else. But then, Rahul realized that she must have been putting up a show in front of everyone in her life for years now. And, Armaan had been out of touch with his "Basket Detector as Rahul liked to fondly call it after being away from her for so long. So, it was possible that he hadn't realized it yet. Rahul hoped he didn't either. Not now. Because, knowing that Riddhima still loved him would cause him pain. More for her than for himself because she was still stuck in a loveless marriage. And no matter what, Armaan could never see her in pain. It hurt him too much.
Rahul had come to realize that Armaan had always been empathetic, but a little too much when it came to Riddhima. Maybe because he loved her so much. He just hoped that this love of theirs didn't come to bite them back.
"I don't think she feels that way," Armaan murmured gently. "Even if she does, she wouldn't ever tell me, because she would never betray her husband like that."
"But what if she did?" Rahul pressed. "What would you do? Would you forget all the pain, the hurt, the betrayal?"
Would he? Armaan thought to himself. It was true that he'd never loved anyone like he'd loved Riddhima, even after all these years. She'd been his One That Got Away. And she always would be. But, if she came back, would he give their relationship another chance? Would he risk it all over again? He didn't know. He loved Riddhima still, but he didn't know if he was still in love with her. He didn't want to give this a lot of thought either, because he was afraid to know the answer. What if, he realized he was in love with her? He couldn't be. Not now. Not after everything he'd been through. Not again. Never.
"I don't know," Armaan answered finally. "I mean, I... I love her. I always will. She was the great love of my life. But, am I still in love with her? I don't know. So, I don't know what I'd do if she ever came back."
For the sake of all our sanities, I hope we never have to find out either, Rahul thought to himself. Asking those questions would only hurt Armaan & Riddhima more. It would cause them pain, and Rahul didn't want that. Not for Riddhima and definitely not for Armaan.
"What if Muskaan said all that you?" Armaan asked. "What if she told you she wanted to give it a try. What would you do?"
Rahul was a little stumped at the question, because why would Muskaan say that to him? He was the one who had left her in the first place.
"Why would she do that after I left her?" Rahul wondered out loud.
"Because she's a smart woman and realizes that you left her, not because you stopped loving her, but because of your own insecurities," Armaan answered.
"Um... Uh... I don't know," Rahul said. "It just feels so impossible that she'd ever do something like that."
Before Armaan could say anything, Rahul added, "Please don't make a comment about how impossible is literally I M Possible, because I'm really not in the mood for it."
Armaan chuckled. "Fine. I won't. But, what if she did come up to you and say it? Since we're talking hypothetically. I mean, we both know Riddhima isn't gonna say all that either."
Rahul sighed. "Uh... I guess... I don't know either. I mean... Yes, I love her, I'm in love with her, even after all these years, but these insecurities, this feeling of not being good enough doesn't ever go away, does it?"
Armaan scoffed. "You're asking me? Poster boy for feeling that way, if it ever goes away? Let me tell you, my friend, it does not. Never. But, what matters is that you still give it your best. Because, the truth is, you are good enough. And even if you don't realize it, there are people who do. Well, that's what Dr. Reynolds says anyway," Armaan replied.
Rahul laughed. "Maybe I should take a session with him," he said. "How is therapy going, by the way? You've kept decidedly mum about it."
Per Dr. Reynolds' instructions, Armaan had been going for 3 sessions a week after the debacle on the day of Jaanhavi's accident. But, he was so busy, as was Rahul, that they hadn't spoken about it.
"It's going," Armaan answered. "Dr. Reynolds thinks that seeing Riddhima after so long was what pushed me over the edge that day, and I sort of agree, but majorly, we've been talking about the impending nuptials, and how I'm going to tackle Jaan going away again."
Rahul understood the underlying meaning. I'm not ready to talk about Riddhima just yet, so my therapist is giving me the space I need before I can talk about it.
"I'm glad it's going good," Rahul answered.
The two friends smiled at each other and moved on to talk about inconsequential things, not even realizing when they fell asleep.
The next morning, Rahul woke up early than expected, and saw that Armaan and Tamanna were still sleeping. Armaan didn't seem to have had a major nightmare again, which made him happy. Ruffling Armaan's hair and then pecking Tamanna's forehead, Rahul moved out of the room, deciding that he'd cook for a change, giving Armaan a break.
He was in the kitchen, making some pancakes for breakfast, humming to himself and desperately trying to not think about his talks with Armaan yesterday, when Muskaan found him.
She had decided last night, that she would speak to him, and here she was, ready to do the same. Because, Riddhima was right. Rahul needed to know, it didn't matter then, and it didn't matter now. So what if Rahul couldn't father children? It didn't mean he could never be a dad! And Muskaan knew that. She just had to make Rahul realize it too.
"Good morning," she murmured softly, not wanting to startle him with her presence.
"Good morning!" Rahul greeted her, a little confused to see her standing there, looking at him in anticipation.
"I wanted to talk," Muskaan announced. "About us," she added.
NO! Was Rahul's first thought. This couldn't be happening! Not now. Not when he'd just told Armaan that he was scared, that he didn't know what to do.
"We're all talked out, Muskaan. We've already said it all 8 years ago. There's nothing left to talk about now," he rebuffed, a little too rudely, but Muskaan knew it was just a defense mechanism.
"We both know that there is, Rahul," she said. "Or have you moved on? Do you have a girlfriend that I don't know about? And, how can you date her, when you couldn't date me? Does she not want any children?"
Rahul turned away to wipe the tear that had fallen from his eye, not wanting Muskaan to see it.
"There's no one else," he replied hoarsely. "There never will be one."
That was the truth. No one would replace Muskaan in his life, never. He would never love someone else.
"Then why are you running away?" Muskaan questioned desperately. "I still love you, Rahul! I want us to be together! It doesn't matter to me that you can't have children! Like I told you then, we can adopt. We can find a sperm donor. It doesn't matter to me. I'll be happy as long as we're together. Our kids will be our kids, no matter how we have them!"
Muskaan's words brought with them, a barrage of tears in both their eyes.
Rahul couldn't believe that she still loved him. After everything he'd put her through, she was still brave enough to love him, and even braver to tell him that.
"Muskaan..." He sighed, not knowing what to say.
"No, Rahul! Please. Listen to me. I know that... back then, you... you thought that I was just saying all this in the heat of the moment, that I would regret my choice some years later, that I would regret our relationship. And while I didn't like you questioning my love that way, I can understand where you were coming from. Had I been in your place, I might have thought the same. So, I won't hold that against you, not now, not ever. It's in the past, and we can't change it. But, we can change our future. I want that. I want a future with you. I've had 8 years to move on, Rahul, but I haven't been able to, because I still love you so much, and even in the darkest times, even after all the years we've been apart, I have never once regretted falling for you. I know I never will, because you're one of the best people I know. And you're... you're my Rahul. You always will be. I'll never regret you. Not as long as I live."
"Muskaan... I..." Rahul trailed off, pulling her in for a tight hug. "I love you!" He told her. It felt so, so, so good to be able to tell her that, out loud, after so many years of keeping it in. He wished he could do it forever.
Muskaan grinned and hugged him tighter, finally feeling at home after years. They hugged for a few minutes and then pulled back. Rahul kissed her forehead and smiled down at her.
But then, he stepped back and said, "I love you, Muskaan. But..."
"But what?" Muskaan asked, already knowing what he was about to say.
"But it doesn't change anything," he sighed. "I... I need some time, he told her. "I don't want to make a hasty decision. Can you give me that?"
Oh, how he wished that it was enough that he loved her and she loved him. That they didn't need anything else. He so desperately wanted it to be. But, he knew that it wasn't. Love wasn't always enough. He'd learnt that the hard way, seeing Armaan & Riddhima. They'd both loved each other so much. Rahul had never seen a couple so perfect together as them. And, where had they ended up? Different ends of the world, both of them trying to make the best of a bad situation, stuck in a life they didn't want.
Yes, they'd both found their happiness, they'd moved on, somewhat, but Rahul knew, that if they could do it all over again, they would change it all, just to be with each other.
If a love like theirs couldn't be, hadn't been enough, then would it ever be? He didn't think so.
Muskaan nodded miserably. "Fine, I get it. I just sprung this on you and took you by surprise. You can take some time to think about it."
"Thank you!" Rahul exclaimed.
Muskaan smiled. "But, Rahul, I won't wait forever. Not this time. If you decide to let me go, you let me go. I can't do this anymore."
And she couldn't. She'd pined after this guy for a long time. If now, he decided that he still couldn't get over this issue, they'd be done. For good.
"I understand," Rahul replied, smiling sadly. "I won't take long to decide, I promise. Just give me till the wedding. I'll have an answer for you by then."
Muskaan nodded and then, just as quietly as she'd come, she left, leaving Rahul with a hole in heart and an ache in his chest.
xxx
Hello, hello haiji!
Surprise update!
My next exam is on 25 so I had some time and ended up writing this. ILYLTF shall most likely be updated tomorrow! Eeekkk! It's ILYLTF's 4th birthday and I am so excited! Woohooo!! So, be on the lookout. :)
I hope you guys liked this one. I know AR ki story zyada aage nahi badh rahi, but RaMusk ki toh badh sakti haina. Hopefully, ab in dono ke chakkar mein, AR will get even closer. :p
Song for this one is A Thousand Years by Christina Perri and I absolutely love it. You guys should give it a listen if you haven't yet! :D
Love,
Prags
The day we met,
Frozen I held my breath
Right from the start
I knew that I'd found a home for my heart
Beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
I'll love you for a thousand more
Ohh
One step closer
I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
And all along I
believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more
- A Thousand Years, Christina Perri
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