Each night I put my head to my pillow I try to tell myself I am strong because I have gone one more day without you. ~ Ishana
I don't use an alarm clock. I'm one of those people with an internal timepiece that wakes me up at the same time every morning, regardless of how tired I am or how late I was up the night before. Which explains why, even though it's Sunday, my eyelids crack open at five a.m. sharp. I wasn't always like this but like they say that once you become a parent, things change and so did I.
I pulled my hair into a messy bun and hopped off the bed. It's Sunday so it means more work for me. Today being the universal holiday, everybody's gonna demand their favourite breakfast then we gonna go out, street shopping etc. etc. I don't care how hectic my life is now, I love this, really really love this.
As I was adjusting the covers my eyes fell on the calendar having on the wall in front of me. 23rd of July. And just like that the blanket feel from my hands and I slumped down on the floor, my eyes still focused on the calendar. Today's 23rd of July, the same day I left the love of my life, my heartbeat, my soul, my Omkara.
Traitorous tears rolled down my cheeks as memories of the past hit me like a bullet pricing through one's heart.
"Agar main kabhi tumse door chala gaya toh?"
"Tumse milne se pehle yeh zindagi meri bikhri hui si thi Om, tumne hi un bikhere hue tukdon ko sametkar mujhe nayi zindagi di, pyaar diya aurr pyaar karna sikhaya. Tum sirf meri jeene ki wajah nahi balki meri saans ban chuke ho. Tumhi batao ki koi apni saason ke bina kaise zinda rahega?"
Pulling my knees close to my chest and let myself drown in despair and dismay as I remembered about my life 6 years back.
"Papa main usse hurt nahi karna chahti, woh toh pehle se hi toota hua hai usse aurr chot nahi pohonchana chahti main." I said placing an ice pack over my swollen eye. Last night those goons came to warn and remind us about the money that Papa had borrowed from them. They were about to hit Papa but due to me coming in between I was hot instead.
"Beta main samajhta hoon tu kya kehna chahti hai par beta tumhe pata hai na ki hamari kya mushkilein hain. Aurr phhir yeh pehli baar thodi na kar rahi tu yeh sab.." Why cant he understand that this time its different. I don't want to break Omkara's heart, he's so nice.
"Nahi papa! Woh bohot achha ladka hai, uska dil nahi toda jayega mujhse..."
"Don't feel guilty beta. Main khud nahi chahta ki meri beti kuch galat kare par beta apne na sahi Mona ke baare mein toh soch. Agar woh gunde phhir se..." The horror that I experienced last night hit me hard, it all flashed in front of eyes.
"Agar humare paise nahi lautaye toh tujhe aurr teri behen ko utha kar le jayenge aurr phhir jo tum logon k saath hoga uske zimmedaar hum nahi honge. Soch lo tum."
No! I can't let that happen, "I'll do it Papa."
"Par yeh usse millegi kaise? Last time toh ignore hi kar diya thha isse." came Mona with a two bowls full of Maggi noodles. She handed me one and say on the arm of the sofa seat I was sitting on.
"Omkara jaise log jo hote hain na, yeh artists, inhe tooti hui cheezon ko jodne ka bohot shaunk hota hai. Isse uske saamne toot kar jaana hoga, bikhar kar aurr dekh lena, tuje jodte jodte usse tujgse pyaar ho jayega."
"Aurr uski girlfriend ka kya? They look quite happy together." Mona added and I felt as if someone has clenched my heart tight and squeezed the blood out of it. What am I doing?! I am going to break a good man's heart, con him and break his relationship with his girlfriend and the unfortunate thing is that I have to do this like really do this.
Jaante ho ki duniya mein sabse bada jurm kya hai? Kissika dil todna. Jo kuch bhi hua uss-se sirf Omkara ka dil hi nahi toota, main bhi phhir se toot gayi. Mujhe sambhalane k liye toh Papa aurr Mona thhe, zindagi mein khushiyaan mere bachon se aayi lekin Omkara ko kisne sambhala hoga? Uski family toh...
"Isha Di. Aap uth gayi?" Mona's voice brought me out of my memories. I straightened up and wiped my tears with the back of my hand and drank a glad of water before replying to Mona.
"Haan. Bas woh..." And without any warning the door opened and Mona came inside. She was in her night suit, her posture lazy, messy hair and puffy eyes. Why in the world she woke up this early, her classes start at 9:30 and she usually wakes up at 7 o'clock but today?
"Di aap theek ho na? It's 23rd of July!" she exclaimed in her sleep laced tenor. Well that explains it, she's worried about me.
My lips curved into a half hearted smiled, "Main theek hoon Mona. Ab itna dard nahi hota."
Mona walked with lazy steps and plopped over my half made bed, "Jhoot mat bol, woh Ishana alag thhi jiski zindagi sirf jhoot k sahare chalti thhi, you are different now and let me tell you one thing, you just can't lie."
"Maine kaha na ki main theek hoon." I busied myself in folding the blanket.
"Jiju ko bohot miss karti hai na?" Mona murmured softly.
"Woh tere Jiju nahin hain!" I whisper yelled not wanting to wake others up. "Woh tere Jiju nahin hain.." this time tears again started rolling down my cheeks. Years ago when Mona used to call Omkara her Jiju I always used to snap at her as that time my dream guy used to be Varun Dhawan, I would always day that not Omkara but Varun is your Jiju but now...
The thing is that me and Omkara aren't married and I know that we will never be together in future. Omkara can never be mine. He's like a dream to me, an illusion is the correct word. He's an illusion whom I can only state at from far away but can't go close to him out touch him. Ishana toh Omkara ki ho gayi par Omkara kabhi Ishana ka nahi ho sakta.
Slender arms pulled me in for a hug, Mona held me tight against her as I cried my heart out. Who says that as the time passes the pain will fade away, no! It doesn't. Every day I feel myself that no Ishana you can't fall week, we might be free from the loan problem that Papa created due to his drinking habit but I still have responsibility towards Mona, Papa and my kids.
My kids, mine and Omkara's kids, Akul and Yuvan. You know the only thing that has kept me sane after I left Omkara was the news of me being pregnant, me nurturing Omkara's babies in my womb. Those were really good days, I hadn't wanted to fall in love with Mr. Long Hair Oberoi but when I got to know him, I just couldn't resist.
It was hard but I brought the truth of his so called girlfriend in front of having. It was Ishana-the-great's plan after all. That Riddhi-maa didn't have a chance in front of me. After I had exposed Riddhima and effectively broke hers and Omkara's relationship, it was time for me to enter his life as a broken and helpless girl just like Papa had told me to.
I went in front of Omkara as a girl who just came out of very abusive relationship, has a non-existent father, a younger sister to take care of and no money. See, it all wasn't a lie but still my motive of getting close to him wasn't good either. I started working with him as his apprentice, he was reluctant at first and of course he didn't need an apprentice but he was just as Papa had predicted, soft hearted, kind and the one who always step forward to help the needed so he let me work with him.
As we began to spend time together I got to know about his dysfunctional family, the amazing bonding he shares with his brothers, meet Anika Di who had something going in with the eldest Oberoi brother Shivaay, got Dadi's love and a good friend in Rudra. It took me one whole month to work my magic on Omkara Singh Oberoi but what I experienced after that was worth it.
Omkara after having experienced a bad relationship didn't wanted to jump into another just after one and a half month, he resisted the pull, the attraction for weeks until that day...
One of the men from whom my father had taken money from started blackmailing me, he was keeping tabs on my sister and kept sending me pictures of her walking on the road, purchasing groceries etc. It was a nightmare and for the whole day I kept looking for Mona. Due to this I couldn't go at work that day and my absence made Omkara realize the truth that he wasn't accepting ask this while. The truth that I had accepted since the day I got to know how broken Omkara really was.
Mona came back late at night and I was so furious, couldn't she be careful. Following her came the man who was sending me pics of her. Again that same dreams happened and I got a slap on my right cheek. That hoon left after he gave us an ultimate warning to return his money within 40 days.
The next day I stood in front of Omkara's workshop with my open hair converting my bruised cheek. The door was open and only darkness greeted me as I made my way inside.
"Omkara? You there?" I called.
"Hello!! Koi hai kya? Om..huh!" I felt a manly figure crash into me and hold me tight against him. Omkara... The name came into my mind as I imagined the unique smell of his cologne.
He was hugging me tightly, his arms around my waist and his head buried into the side of my neck. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and hugged him back, "Omkara? What happened?"
No response, he just kept hugging me. Soon enough I felt wetness on my neck, he was crying. I pulled apart and cupped his face he was indeed crying. I was confused, what happened to him.
"Om?" I said softly.
"Kahan chali gayi thhi tum?" he asked, his tone was soft but his voice, shaky.
"Main, woh..."
"Tumhe andaaza bhi hai ki main kitna pareshaan ho gaya thha?"
"Om.."
"Kitna darr gaya thha main ki kahin tumhe kuch ho toh nahi gaya? Ki kahin tumharae woh pagal ex-boyfriend tumhare saath kuch.." He ran a hand through his long hair and oil led me close by my shoulders. His touch was harsh but his hold possessive, "Phone kiss liye le rakha hai tumne? Main itne calls kiye, messages bheje but tumne reply nahi kiya. Tum khud ko samajhti kya ho haan?"
"Om!" I yelled, "Mona kal kahin chali gayi thhi aurr usne mujhe bataya bhi nahi thha, main kitni pareshaan thhi tumhe kya pata. Saara din usse hi dhoond rahi thhi.."
"Toh mujhe bata nahi sakti thhi, kya main tumhari help nahi karta? Dimaag kharab hai kya tumhara, akeli hi sab kuch karna hai tumhe? Tum koi superwoman ho?"
"Tumhe hua kya hai aaj? Pagal ho gaye ho?"
"Haan! Ho gaya hoon pagal. Because I LOVE YOU damnit! Kal mera ek ek pal kaise beeta hai tumhe kya pata. Bas yahi soch soch kar pagal hua jaa raha thha ki naa jaane kahan hogi meri Isha."
His confession had left me flabbergasted. He loved me? He really loved me? I stood there still for minutes, shocked to the core. I didn't even realized that when Omkara had switched on the lights and had my face called in his hands. Out was the moment when his thumb stopped over the cut on the corner of my lips that I came out of the shock.
"Yeh kisne kiya?" He looked a little calm now but even more dangerous than before. His eyes were burning in anger as he glared at my bruised cheek.
"Yeh...woh..." Do you expect me to speak when you just confessed that you loved me! Goddamnit!
"Isha maine poocha ki yeh kisne kiya?"
"Woh kal Mona mil nahi rahi thhi, aurr main usse dhoondh rahi thhi, phhir who ghar aayi..."
"Isha! Seedhe seedhe batao mujhe!"
"Woh kal...Papa ne jinse paise liye thhe, woh paise maangne aaye thhe aurr Papa k saath jhgda hua, main beech main aa gayi toh..."
He hissed, "Pagal ho tum? Aisa koi karta hai kya?" he kissed my cheek tenderly and hugged me again. I don't know for how much time we stopped the like that, in each others arms.
That marked the start of our relationship that I knew didn't have a long life. Omkara gave the money to those goons and freed is from that debt. We had a chance together, I could have not told him the truth and everything would have gone perfectly after we got rid of those based people but my conscience was killing me, guilt eating me up as Omkara treated me with love, care and tenderness. He's the perfect lover, perfect boyfriend but I wasn't perfect for him. He deserved better.
I had decided that I would end all this but before that I wanted to create some beautiful memories with him that will keep me alive for the rest of my life until I am free of my responsibilities. It was raining that night and I was standing outside the Oberoi mansion without an umbrella, just standing there letting the rain wash away the tears of the pain that clawed at my heart.
"Hello.." came Omkara's sleepy voice.
"Omkara.." I whispered into the phone, my tenor trembling as the cold rain drops fell over me.
"Isha.." he sounded alert now, "Kya hua? Are you okay? Batao na kya hua!"
"I need you Om."
"Isha ghar pe sab theek hai na? Ruko main aata hoon wahan."
"Om, main tumhare ghar k bahar khadi hoon, you can see me from your room's window."
He didn't reply but I heard the distinct sound of footfalls and soon enough the window of Omkara's room opened. There he stood dressed in his usual night clothes as he stared down at me with worry lines evident on his handsome face.
The very next instant he disappeared and few minutes later he came out of the mansion holding a blanket. He pulled me close and wrapped that blanket around me. "Kya hua Mitthu?" he asked as he wiped the rain drops off my face using a small sized towel.
Guys give their beloveds nicknames like baby, angel, princess, sweetheart and what not but mine gave me the name Mitthu. He gave me some weird reason for it but yes he calls me Mitthu. Though its a parrot related name and of course is totally weird but I seriously love it.
"Main bhi na tumse yahin baat kiye jaa raha hoon. Poori bheeg chuki ho tum, umbrella bhi nahi laayi, beemar ho jaati toh?" he held my hand and pulled me inside the mansion taking me directly to his room.
"Baitho. Main ek minute mein aaya." switching off the air conditioner he went outside before I could say something. 15 minutes later he returned with a streaming cup of hot chocolate.
"Yeh pee lo, you will feel better." he kissed the top of my head. I took the cup from him but placed it aside. Taking his hand in mine I cried him to sir beside me.
"Om agar main tumse kuch maango toh tum mujhe do ge?" he tensed for a moment but few seconds later he was okay again.
"Main tumhaara hoon, meri har cheez tumhaari hai. Kya maangana chahti ho?" he smiled softly at me.
"Kabhi socha nahi thha ki zindagi mein ek aisa mod bhi aayega jab khud se zyada koi aurr itna zaroori ho jayega. Om tumhare saath bitaya har ek pal mere liye bohot keemti hai, anmol hai. Yeh zindagi bohot choti hai aurr main tumhare saath bitaya hua har pal jeena chahti hoon. Bohot khushiyan di hain tumne mujhe kya ek choti si khushi aurr maang sakti hoon?"
"Mitthu saaf saaf batao ki kya chahiye?"
"I want to be yours."
"Woh toh tum ho. You are mine, just mine, only made for me." he grinned.
"Tum samajh nahi rahe ho.." it was quite embarrassing but I wanted it as well. I wanted to be his forever, I wanted that feeling that would stay with me till my life that even though it was just for one night, I was completely his by every means.
"Mitthu?"
"I want to be yours by every means Om. Sirf tumhaari, please." I clasped his hands in mine. By the look on his face I knew he understood what I meant.
"Isha, no. That's wrong. Yeh mujhse nahi hoga, are you even in your senses? Keh kya rahi hi tum!" He removed his hands from mine and went to stand away.
I broke down crying, here I was going away from him and he didn't know but still he was making it hard for me, "Please Om.." my voice cracked as I cried. Head aching like hell I could feel my body temperature rising. "Please."
It took a lot of convincing from my side to make him agree. Hesitantly he came close to me and placed his lips over mine. The peck, the brush of his lips was so soft yet so sensual in its kind. I surrendered myself to him that night, it was every kind of magical yet it was so intense and overwhelming at the same time.
I lived my dream that night but it dawned upon me later that it was time to go. We were snuggled on his bed, with me reading my head on his chest. I just started that way for what seemed like hours.
A little bit later I got dressed and placed the letter that i had written for him beside his pillow. The letter was more like a confession, the truth about me entering his life and everything else that I did, every lie, everything.
That was the day and after that I never looked back. Me, papa and Mona came and got settled here in Siliguri. Few months later I got to know that I was pregnant, Papa was angry at first but later on supported me like a good father should. Mona was all the time by my side, 8 and a half months later I gave birth to my twin boys Akul and Yuvan. Both of them got their father's looks but Akul is the one who us an exact replica of Omkara in every way. Akul likes his hair long, loves doing artistic stuff and sometimes says philosophical things just like his father. Yuvan on the other hand got his mischievousness and chirpy nature from my side.
This is my family now, me, Akul, Yuvan, Mona and my Papa. Just us.
Precap : Omkara in Siliguri for an exhibition. Meets Akul.
Anupamaa
