Part 9
With the help of Ragini she had finally decided on a purple lace sari.
She was unsure about wearing sari, having never been comfortable in Indian outfits, but Ragini had insisted that it would be the most fitting outfit. She nervously fiddled with the pleats as Sanskaar's driver took her to the surprise destination.
She didn't know why she was so nervous. It was just dinner with Sanskaar.
Only, it wasn't.
This was a date.
Sanskaar had implied that he wanted to talk. The possibilities of this talk were running rampant through her mind. She had never spent time alone with Sanskaar casually and away from the family. All the time they spent together had involved plotting and planning and somehow trying to bring their fragmented family back together. Now that this had been established and the sword of Ragini no longer hung over their heads they would have nothing but themselves to talk about, really. They would need to hash out the details of this new arrangement, set boundaries to let this possible relationship flourish.
The anticipation was killing her.
Finally the driver stopped at the entrance of what appeared to be a large garden. The driver held open the door and she saw a familiar hand reach into the car to help her out.
Here goes nothing. Swara took a deep breath and placed her hand in Sanskaar's.
Ragini giggled as the little girl in her lap regaled her with a dramatic fairy tale that her grandmother had recited to her the night before.
Once Swara had deemed herself ready she had retreated to her room to pace restlessly and think over the complicated quadrangle hat she seemed to be entangled in. She had been mulling over Swara's reactions to simple utterances of Sanskaar'a name, and her own previous observations of Sanskaar's obvious devotion to his wife and trying to see where her own husband fit into this picture.
She had finally been brought out of her thoughts by the sound of children singing. Too curious not too investigate the source she exited her room. She saw from the hallway above that a whole gaggle of girls were gathered into an alcove below, her mother-in-law leading them in throat exercises.
Maa played the harmonium and struck perfect chords for the girls to follow along verbally. Ragini watched this exercise for a while, losing herself in the harmony and the composition. She was unsure whether her presence would be welcome in the gathering; hence she chose to stay upstairs and out of the way.
Her eyes fell onto an unoccupied seat beside Maa that housed a beautiful, shiny Sitar. The instrument called to her and she itched to feel the chords vibrating beneath her fingers. Before she knew what she was doing she was down the stairs and heading towards that lovely instrument. Taking a seat, she caught onto the pattern that Maa was currently playing and joined in on the next chord. The Sitar was beautifully crafted and was pleasantly in tune. This was obviously a much loved piece of the household.
Maa didn't react to her presence and the girls too diligently stayed with their scales. Ragini shut her eyes and lost herself in the music. She felt the uncertainty and the tension of the day roll off her as the familiar feelings of joy associated with the instrument overtook her senses.
After the girls practiced their scales they got down to practicing a few classical songs. Maa offered her sheet music, but the songs were beloved childhood favorites that she could never forget in a million years. She played them from memory, enjoying watching the girls stumble and squeak and find their bearings, coming together in beautiful harmony.
Once the lesson was done, the girls were given a snack by Choti Maa while they waited around for their respective parents to retrieve them. Ragini had enjoyed being the object of interest of the girls as the whole drove of them had flocked her with compliments on her playing.
That is how she found herself with little Sapna on her lap entertaining the rest of the girls with a fairy tale that had captured everyone's interest.
Soon all the girls were picked up by their parents. Sapna even surprised her with a quick hug before she ran to join her father at the door leaving Ragini smiling.
She turned to back to the alcove to help Maa clean up, but Choti Maa's words stopped her in her tracks. "I see you're enjoying your time with your bahu Jiji."
The way the word bahu' was emphasized didn't seem to have a pleasant implication.
"Stop it Sujata." Maa scolded, seemingly irritated. "If it weren't for her condition I would never tolerate that girl. Do you think I like it? I can't stand her."
Ragini felt her throat choke up as those words of venom left her mother-in-law.
She attempted to back away from there quietly before she got caught eavesdropping but both the older women chose that moment to turn around. They spotted her and froze, and she herself likely resembled a Deer caught in headlights.
Ragini swallowed around the lump formed in her throat and tried to keep her voice an even measure. "I-I-I think I should r-rest before dinner."
Once in her room Ragini sat herself down on the bed heavily.
How could she have been so silly? Or course Maa hated her too. She had forced her son into marriage. Why on Earth would Maa like her?
She shakily pulled her notebook over and stared down at the list of people in the household she had made this afternoon. Under the column labelled Neutral to Me' she had earlier happily written Maa's name along with Papa, Chote Papa and Sanskaar. She scratched out Maa's name and added it to the column labelled Hates Me' along with the Man in Blue and Choti Maa.
Swara's name stood alone in the column labelled Likes Me'.
Sanskaar helped her straighten up and offered her his elbow allowing her to wrap her hand around his arm. He led her across the lawn to a gazebo.
Swara looked around in awe. The gazebo was surrounded by white curtains that billowed softly in the wind. It was lit up by soft fairy lights, setting a sober and intimate mood. A table stood in the center of the gazebo that housed a platter of three candles as a centerpiece. It all looked like the set of a movie.
"Where are we Sanskaar?" She whispered, not wanting to disturb the silence around them.
"This is my farmhouse." He stated and led her over to a bench in the corner of a gazebo.
He sat her down and went over to a cart to pour them both a drink. She took the time to observe Sanskaar. He was in the same suit that he had left for work in this morning. I was a nice pinstriped blue material under which he wore a white shirt. The formal wear accentuated his broad shoulders and lithe frame. His hair was tousled as though he had run many frustrated fingers through the strands. The overall effect was not unpleasant. Swara had always been a sucker for men in suits and her husband looked particularly good in them.
She flushed at her errant thoughts just as Sanskaar returned with a goblet of juice for each of them. Sanskaar must have noticed her reddening cheeks and looked at her strangely. "Are you alright Swara?"
"I'm fine." She answered quickly, not wishing to spoil the evening.
Sanskaar didn't look very convinced. "You've been skittish since this morning. If any of this is making you uncomfortable we can head home."
Oh wonderful, selfless Sanskaar. What would she do with him?
She put a hand on his arm to stop him from standing. "No, I am fine. The evening is just warm." She took a sip from her goblet and pondered his reaction. "Why do you always give me a way out Sanskaar?" She asked this question with genuine curiosity.
"Because I never want you to feel trapped or pressured into anything." He said plainly and watched her with a quiet intensity.
As Swara stared back at him she realized something. Sanskaar was always trying to protect her and put her wants and desires first, but somewhere in there, Sanskaar was also trying to protect himself. He had announced that he loved her and had told her many times to never question his love and devotion to her. She suddenly realized the incredible power she held to hurt him, if she wished.
Never. Never would she wish to hurt this wonderful, amazing man who had done so much for her. If didn't have him she would have easily fallen apart and given up when the fingers pointed to her. When no one was there, he had held her hand. She would rather hurt herself than let any pain come his way.
She sat up straighter and placed her hand on top of his. His hand was curled into a tense fist and she gently eased the fingers apart. She met his steady gaze once more. "I don't want a way out Sanskaar."
His eyes slid shut as he brought her hand up to his lips. She felt him place the gentlest of kisses on her palm. When he reopened his eyes the smile was back in them.
"Did I tell you yet how beautiful you look tonight?"
"No, not quite yet. I have been waiting for it though." She teased lightly.
Another reverent kiss to her palm. "You are too lovely for words." Swara felt the blush splash her cheeks again at his unabashed appreciation. "Especially when you do that." He murmured.
The tone of his voice made her insides flutter and melt.
"Flattery will get you nowhere Mr. Maheshwari." She murmured back.
"Accha?" He enquired innocently. At her nod, his grin turned wicked, intensifying that fluttery feeling. "I guess I'll just have to use different methods." He crooned. Then Sanskaar suddenly turned serious. He sat up straighter. "I want to court you Swara."
"You don't have to court me. We are married."
"Yes, but you don't love me." Swara winced at the bold statement, but he stated it as the plain truth as those words were. "I want my chance to date you and woo you and show you what a life with me could be like. If you still don't feel anything but friendship for me, then we separate, no hard feelings."
"And if I feel something for you?" She asked timidly causing his lips to quirk a fraction.
"Then you stay with me." He stated vehemently. Be calm my racing heart she urged herself.
His eyes ran gently over her face for a moment, seemingly taking in her features, but he turned away and looked off into the distance. "I don't do anything by halves Swara. You have seen my hate, you have seen my love. If you choose to stay I want it to be because you are absolutely certain of your decision. With the kind of person I am, there can't be any doubt in your mind about your feelings. Because if you choose to stay, our relationship following that will leave no room for uncertainty."
Swara shivered lightly at the implication and the images his words conjured in her mind.
Yes, she had already known this. Sanskaar, while he could be lighthearted, was very determined and focused in all his close and personal relationships. He always gave his all, and expected the same in return. It often opened him up for hurt when people didn't reciprocate in kind, but had developed good defenses and better radar for scoping people.
If I stay with you Sanskaar, I will be as devoted to you are you are to me. I won't ever let you be hurt. Swara spoke these words as a promise in her mind, but something held her back from saying them out loud.
With Sanskaar's final words hanging in the air, they sat in a heavy silence for a while, him looking over the lawn, and her studying his profile.
"So," she finally broke the silence. "What's the next step?"
His smile returned and he offered her his hand. "How about we start with dinner?"
***
Members Lounge
CID
