Letter from Ragini to Lakshya

Lakshya,

You are sleeping now and I am watching you. I am always watching you. Always gauging your reactions. Always listening for your footsteps. Eternally thirsting for a slight sign of affection from you.

People have dreams Lakshya.

Girls like me, we are shy. We are soft. We are the ones who eat lunch alone in a corner while the other kids frolic. We are the ones who boast proudly to our family..that we have loads and loads of friends. We are never invited to the classmate parties though. We are the ones who would love to say that the Games teacher regularly praises our agility on the field. However, we are the ones who wait at the sidelines of any game, hoping somebody,---anybody would notice us. We are the ones who score the highest in class. Yet, most of our classmates would only ever remember us, when they need to copy our homework. Behind our backs...we are nerds. We don't know fashion, movies and upmarket show-offs. We are introverts.We are geeks. Be-spectacled, pimpled and avoided. These are the labels popular Jocks like you would come up with.

You would call us the Ugly Ducklings. Just so you do not have to break my shell, and maybe discover that the chick beneath is a Swan. Find that, somewhere we are made of better stuff than you Ducks are.

My grandmother has always taught me traditions. Values. But the world is no longer sitting in a corner chanting prayers and praising demure housewives. Girls today are of the breed who can take up anything..and see it to success. Outgoing. In-your-Face.

I am too. I thank you for that realisation. I know that now.

I am not a person who has had much to do with boys and crushes. Hell, till about the tenth standard, I used to think that sex was a couple lying in bed clicked cutely into each other like jigsaw pieces..until they fall asleep. Biology was a shock.

Lakshya, all I ever dreamt of in a life partner was a companion who would love me. I wanted nothing else. Had never been in love before. So suddenly when everyone decided they would marry me off... when I saw you...I thought it was meant to be. My Husband.My friend forever. My everything. Someone who would listen even when my silence spoke.

I don't know if you have ever felt like anything akin to it. You know how a plane smooths across a runway..and abruptly breaks into a run? And then whoosh. Take-off. That's the way my heart went, when I knew you were supposed to be my one-and-only forever.

I thought you were the Prince who would give me a fairytale.

I think you may just have been the Pied Piper. A tune which rang out. And a rat followed it blindly into its drowning in Styx. You are Charon. Of course, you may find Greek mythology boring. I'll translate. Charon is the ferryperson of the river Styx, the river of crossing into the Underworld.

Your complete disregard for my emotions...Lakshya..is the only thing which made me take control. Its also what made me lose control.

See...I raised hell to get you. But you? Have you for even one second, even when I had you blindfolded by my deceit..bothered about me? You thought I was innocent and a victim back then. So then, why, why could you not try to move on with me? let it be. I am past caring now.

I was ready to die for you the day you married me. I had wiped my sister off the face of earth, and with it any chances of redemption in anybody's eyes. Even my own.

You ask why I did not stay my footsteps after that? Honey...I had too much to gain...and lose.I could gain you. and I could lose you. You meant that much to me. I had reached a point of no-return. So I did not glance backwards.

Now you know everything. Truth after all will out.

If I cannot be seen without flinches shadowing the faces of everyone I meet...what in Hell gives you the right to grovel for Swara's forgiveness? I literally killed her. You figuratively did.You are no better than me.

I killed her one day. You, killed her everyday, with your barb like words.With distrust. Cruelty from someone we love...can do way more damage than an enemy's spear. I should know. You do it to me, day after day.

If you want Swara...then get her. Grovel like a pig. I swear I would like nothing better than to watch you beg. You know why? I know my sister. She will never take you back. Even if you somehow get her to,...darling, her heart does not belong to you anymore. She lost her heart the day she found her soulmate. That ain't you.

All you will ever get from her...will be a shadow of pity. A nose-in-the-air greatness. A Goddess. You, mere mortal cannot live with a Goddess. You do not deserve one.

You will never be happy Lakshya. Thats my curse. Believe me, my curses work..because I make them work.

If Swara realises where her true love lies...she may yet be happy. With Sanskaar. But if I have my way...I may snatch that little hope from both of them. The way they snatched the illusion of Paradise from me.

Either way...you will wail. It may be good music. Soothing for my ears. I like music.

Lakshya...Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. There is no hatred than the one which is love turned inside out.I know you hate reading..but these words you may have heard of.

I am still yours. But I am starting to think I deserve more,

Ragini.