SANSKAAR OS:BLACK AND WHITE

Chess is my favourite game. Everything is so ordered. So many rules. All squares and black and white. Figure out a strategy carefully, ruthlessly exhibit cunning in your manoeuvres and you win.

I built an entire business on it. Got to respect rules. I have a business-like mind. Pride myself on it.

I lost my first love kavita. I loved her so much. It destroyed me. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of revenge. I believed that my brother had something to do with it. Believed my uncle had something to do with it. I still do not know who killed her. But I have chosen, for the time being to not find out. Kavita has gone where no one can hurt her. So there are more important matters at hand. Swara, Laksh and ragini. My mom, dad, bade Papa and badi ma. Adarsh and parineeta. Ma and Dida. Shekhar Uncle.

Chess is not a static game. Get too fixated on one piece...you'll be checkmated in a blink. Neither is life.

People are also like chess pieces. Alternating between dark and light.

Take Swara for instance. She is like a knight. A knight fights for the right war. But never for himself. For his king. For swara, the king is her Ma. She loves her Ma and Dida...and her Baba too, however muddled and weak he may be. She is not fighting to get laksh...she is fighting to get her ma and baba together. She does not focus on the wounds she gets...just on the goal. Ensures that she can function.

Then, take my brother Laksh. He is a born king. He is a born first choice of everyone. He is also the most vulnerable. So he must be protected. His parents protect him...are biased towards him, even though they refute it. Swara has protected him. I have protected him. Ragini has protected him. He loves deeply you know. Its difficult to think of causing harm to a child...immature and weak. The king is the last of all the chess pieces to move. He remains stationary until attacked directly. Safe and protected.

Yet the war happens because of him. One wrong action of the king...and the kingdom can go to Hell. He acts..and we react. He often reacts on impulse and we suffer. But once the other pieces are out of the board...the king is at mercy of the attackers. Its lonely at the top. One day when laksh will know the truths..he will have no one to calm him down. He has been the Judge, the Jury and the executioner all at once to Swara. But a King cannot move beyond one step at a time. Laksh has not moved on. He is bound by his standards...which he refuses to look past. He is an idiot. He is weak...spoilt and whimsy. He hurt ragini to the point of delirium. He did not deserve swara, yet he dared to love her. But his heart is pure. His love was pure. And he trusted purely. Was hurt on it being broken, or so he has been tricked to believe. A blind king is worse than no king. Ruthlessly he has reacted...and thus ensuring he lost swara once and for all...and got Ragini instead. What a mess. A king in his arrogance of being good by nature...may choose not to see naked truths.

And the final axe falls upon him. Sad really.

Now ragini. Long ago, when ragini was a sweet, innocent, pure girl...I used her. I showed her a way of getting laksh which she desperately wanted. I got her started on this addiction for power in matters not to be meddled in.I taught her to scheme for Love. And now...that sweet innocent white queen...has become the black queen. She is still a Queen. A queen would do anything for the King. And ruthlessly, without any thought of consequences, the Queen pounces upon her enemies...and moves in any direction with abandon. The Queen may be wicked...but believe me you have got to admire the power of Villains. Her force is enigmatic. But ultimately the queen loses life because she has tried too hard to get what she wants...not knowing or caring about what the other pieces go through or are capable of. Her power is what causes her vulnerability. Because the Queen herself knows not, how exactly to channelize her power. There is no correcting her. I tried. And failed. Now, in a gorgeous, yet pathetic way...ragini will move to her own doom. I can only pull out her trolley handle...to make sure she can carry it. I am guilty of the push that sent her into this madness. The rest of her crimes, she is responsible. If she was wiser, she would have stopped. Like i did. But I understood her. Nobody else did. Nobody else knew. She did not tell swara to leave laksh for her instead of trying to kill her off. Because a Queen, never begs. She gets what she wants. Wrong or right does not matter.

My mother. Sujata maheshwari. All her life she has wanted to get noticed. She exaggerates herself to get attention. She was unlucky to be the bride of a man like my father..who will always play second fiddle to my bade papa's dominance. Consequently, she has been obscured...more so by my very talented, beautiful and owner of a graceful personality Badi ma. So she reacts rather slyly to get what she wants. Because a mole may work underground but she gets farther than what she would have covered above the ground. She moves diagonally like a Bishop. Otherwise she may not get what she wants. She is prejudiced, little educated..simple.and I am her only reason for existence. Her brilliant son is her only treasure. So a Mother does anything at all to save her son. She would die for me. I am frustrated by her limitedness. Yet I can't help but love her. She is my mom. And she needs protection.

My father, used as a pawn by my bade papa. My bade papa and badi ma...they are pawns too. Because laksh is their weakness. Adarsh and parineeta..they too are pawns.Ma, Dida, dadi, Shekhar uncle...they all won't have power unless you give it to them. They to my mind...are background characters so to speak. Yet they are the ones who protect the second line of pieces...and defend and fight the most. They are the ones who the powerful ones use..and yet, they are the ones, who are wise enough to not do the mistakes the main ones do. They are family...and believe it or not...family and society dictates a man...whether he is a king or a pauper

And me. I liked playing chess. Not being a piece dictated by it. I wanted to be the player. I am brilliant. I am a tough guy. I am clever...and I am powerful. I know i can do anything. Imagine my chagrin, when suddenly in the middle of my revenge for kavita...i suddenly see how i am hurting Swara who has had absolutely nothing to do with it. and i am forced to brake. To backtrack. To come clean.

And then my guilt pushes me to help her clear the mess I have originated. To give her an anchor. To be her fortress. The knight is the closest to the castle. I am the castle.The knight Swara is the only one who is mature enough and got close enough to understand me at all. I provided swara shelter. I would have provided ragini one too...if she had listened to me. I will provide it to laksh when he knows the truth and breaks down.

But most of all...I am fairly impenetrable. I lie in at the extreme corner..not fathomable by anyone. Yet when the king is in danger...I can offer myself in exchange by switching positions. I go straight. Mercilessly, straightforwardly towards hell...if you harm my King. And in love...I go straight again...towards paradise. My king is swara. When she pulled me out of my dangerous spiral towards wrong...she became my God. I know how close i came to becoming the villain...yet she was the catalyst that led to my salvation. . I only provided her with a fortress...a castle as an anchor...as a home...in atone for my guilt.

She brought me back into control. I would destroy everything in anger...but my love for her has made an impenetrable castle open its doors to make a home.And a home is probably the most in love. By providing shelter...it falls in love with the people it embodies. I have fallen for swara. I can crown her Queen of my castle...but only if she chooses me. I am afraid of being rejected. Very afraid.

I have been broken once by my kavita's death. But i can still be a castle. For swara.

I cannot lose a love again. A castle is strong. Wise. On guard. Yet it needs someone to guard it. i wish swara becomes my Knight to guard me...and my king for me to protect. That we give and take. And live happily ever after. Both of us deserve it.I will take her responsibility...and I know she will take mine. I will finish what I have started. But i am tired swara. sometimes the castle wants to have a home to go too. be my home. I can drink myself to a stupor and fall on your shoulders. be that home. please.

And after that, we will see.

"Be not wise in thine own eyes, fear the Lord..and depart from all evil"

---proverbs, King James Bible, 3.7