YuvAni FF-Pain-Part 2,pg 2 (Yuvi POV) - Page 2

Originally posted by: yanks28

thanks everyone, ill try to update soon, tonight if possible...

Once again, I couldn't stand up. I sat against the door for hours. My thoughts were scattered and so were my emotions. Where was she? What happened? How did she end up there? What if she was in pain? What is she was cold or wet? Why was there blood? What sort of injuries did she have? I cringed. The idea of her being in pain made me shiver. I covered my face with my hands. I felt sick to my stomach. Why was this happening? What had Suhani done to deserve this? Why, God, WHY? I shouted. Every moment, my fears and worries changed shape. The only thing in common between each fear was that they were all regarding her. Where was that blood from? That worry tortured me. She had injuries. It wasn't a sudden discovery I'd made, only a fact I'd just now begun to focus on. That was another odd against her, that, and the fact that she was in the middle of nowhere. She needed help and I couldn't help her. I couldn't find her. I was suffocated. I was sweating and needed fresh air. I got up and opened the window. I stood in the darkness and ran my fingers through my hair. My heart was beating fast. The fear of the unknown, the pain, and anxiety were all crippling. I went to bed and lay down.

"Please Suhani, be ok...be ok, please. God, don't let her go through any pain. Give it to me. If there's any physical pain meant for her, give it to me..." I whispered. I was still crying. Why was I here in bed while she was out there somewhere? God, was it really true? Were there wild animals? I shuddered. I must have been exhausted because I remembered placing my hand on her pillow and after that I had a nightmare which made me wake up in the middle of the night. I went to sleep crying, I woke up crying as well. I woke up feeling dreadful in fact, and cold. I got up and closed the window. It was chilly and windy out and that did nothing to make me feel better. It worsened my pain and fears. Suhani should've been at home, sleeping next to me on a night like this. I lay down and remembered a night from a few weeks ago. I had awakened in the middle of the night because of Suhani kicking me in her sleep.

I saw her snuggled up against me. I had to get up early in the morning so I woke her up.

"Suhani, you just kicked me." I said.

"Sorry..." She replied and then closed her eyes again.

"Move over to your side of the bed, please...if you're so close to me then you'll continue kicking me. How am I supposed to sleep like that?" I said. She looked at me through her sleepy eyes.

"But I'm cold..." She said.

"Dress warmer." I replied in a dry manner. She looked sad.

"We'll buy another blanket for you today. In fact, I'll pick it up after work, ok?" I said. She nodded but hardly seemed convinced. She turned and slept on her right. That memory upset me. I sat up. For my own selfish reasons, I woke her up and pushed her away from me. She wanted to hold me but I was worried about feeling fresh for the meeting I had later. I regretted it all now, I badly regretted it. Attending that meeting or buying her another blanket couldn't save her from spending a night out there somewhere in the cold wilderness. I shivered at the thought. Right now all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms and keep her warm and safe but when she wanted it, I pushed her away. I felt like a jerk. I'd failed her.

"I'm a failure..." I said. I cried. The anger and regret, the helplessness consumed me. The guilt would kill me. I'd failed her from day one. I took a year just to tell her that I loved her and then I lost her again because I was useless. I wanted to scream and shout at the top of my lungs and break everything in sight but I couldn't. I needed to contain my anger and pain. I had to appear somewhat normal and functioning in front of my family or it would only break them further.

Were her memories really the only thing I had left now to keep me company for however long I lived? Would there never be another argument, another night of her in my arms, another playful slap on the shoulder, another kiss, or another hug? Would I never get another chance to tell her how much I loved her? Would life be so cruel as to not even allow me to tell Suhani that I loved when she tried flirting but failed to get my attention, but then looked down shyly if I did the same?

I couldn't sleep. It was morning and I showered and changed. I had no idea what to do next. I felt like my heart would literally burst out of my chest if I didn't find an outlet soon. I couldn't face people because I was going through far too much inner turmoil. I couldn't listen to anyone. I could hear them but I couldn't listen. I needed to be alone. I again drove to that dreadful spot where I'd lost her and had no clue whether or not she'd ever return.

I thought of staying here and spending the night exposed to the elements. I wanted to see what it was like. I sat on the ground and couldn't move. It began raining. My phone was switched off. I left it in the car. If Suhani was still out there, she'd be cold and wet in the rain. If she was suffering, I wanted to suffer too.

"Come back, Suhani. Come back, and I promise to let you kick me in your sleep without complaining." I said. I cried silently from there onwards. I was drenched due to the rain and broken. I went back home. Everyone was beginning to wonder if I would need professional help. I locked myself in my room again. Memories flashed before my eyes one by one. I couldn't control which one struck me and when, and with how much intensity. Some gave temporary relief from the pain and some intensified it even more. I remembered random hugs and kisses. I recalled the feeling of her arms around me. I remembered the sound of her voice.

Another night passed this way. I couldn't do it anymore. Three nights passed in the same manner. I had a panic attack here and there. I cried continuously. I saw her in dreams and had nightmares of losing her forever, along with the reality of living through an actual nightmare where I'd truly been living without her for three days. There was no news, good or bad. With each day, hope seemed more and more futile. I was even afraid to imagine having her back for the fear of it remaining just a dream