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Gautam and Suhani's bond had formed after tragedies in both their lives. He was a few days from being discharged when he met her, and had first seen her at her worst, crying in pain, depressed, struggling. Why they had bonded he didn't know, but she touched him in some way, he had wanted to make her feel better, bring that smile to her face. So he had tried to cheer her up, related his own accident experiences to encourage her to believe that she would get through the worst of it, pushed her to stick to therapies, supported her to make more effort.
They had been a little in love, he felt, but maybe on her side it was what the shrinks call transference, a projection of feelings on to someone. And for him it had been the natural reaction to a woman you like very much.The first and only time he tried to get close to her, she recoiled, and, without it ever being discussed, that somehow set the limits to their relationship. They were like twins, not not even that--each found something in the other as a friend that was undefinable.
To her he was an unusual addition to the people in her world. He was older than her, more experienced, exciting in his differences. He was fearless, funny, mocked convention, could be as mean to people he disliked as he could be nice to those he liked. She didn't see him as perfect but admired him, and in some way he did influence her to be less inclined to pleasing people, to live life as she chose rather than do what others wanted or expected from her, even if she still would go out of her way for her loved ones. Maybe her changed attitude was partly a personality change due to her head injuries, maybe it was just that she didn't feel very patient and too inclined to be accommodating after the trauma.
She told him the whole story of what she'd learnt about the year she couldn't remember, or as much as she felt comfortable relating. When she'd first mentioned Yuvraj to him, a few weeks ago, he'd asked who that was. She'd told him he'd met him at the party at the resort, but Gautam didn't remember him. But he looked at her closely now as she talked of what Bhavna and Yuvraj had disclosed to her, and he asked, "There's more, isn't there? What aren't you telling me?"
She wasn't going to reveal that she had responded to Yuvraj or had had some feelings for him. Instead she ranted about his earlier behaviour and all the ways he had hurt that Suhani.
But Gautam was no fool. He knew Suhani very well. "Look at me, darling. Are you in love with him or something?"
"I don't want to talk about him."
It was obvious that she had SOME feelings for the guy, but she wasn't in a mood to forgive him. He left the subject of her feelings alone, but analysed for her Yuvraj's actions--his finding her (okay, late, but still), his forcing her sister to invite him to where she was, integrating her into his family again (though that was more chance than intention), his eventually sabotaging himself to tell her the truth. "Really rotten guy," Gautam said, tongue in cheek. "No wonder you hate him."
Talking to Gautam helped her put things into perspective. It had happened as it had happened. She couldn't change anything. And she had been foolish too. It wasn't all Yuvraj's fault. It had infuriated her that she had not held him accountable before--from her diary it was obvious that she had only reproached him for keeping her ignorant. Maybe this time she had held him too accountable. He wasn't a hero, but neither was he a villain. She didn't trust his declaration of love, but that didn't necessarily mean he was lying. He had seemed sincere. He hadn't been pretending that he was attracted to her either, she knew that. And she couldn't deny she had hardly been protesting too much.
She had warned Di that she did not want to speak to Yuvraj or anyone from his family. According to her diary, his mother had not made a mistake, she had deliberately ignored Yuvraj's choice and overridden it. She could hardly believe that Pratima Aunty could be so devious, and that she had vented on her father but not said much to her, continued seeing her as loving and sweet. Well, she was loving and sweet, but she had been wrong too.
She'd felt more betrayed BECAUSE she'd liked him, trusted him, felt something more that she was too cautious to admit. Why hadn't she been cautious the first time around, she wondered.
She would talk to her father too. Apparently Yuvraj had convinced her to forgive papa after her anger at what he'd done. It seemed a bit redundant now to go through the whole thing again. Di had been right, but it still felt frustrating to her not to react as she'd like to.
Suhani finally went and met her parents and let their apologies and explanations wash over her. She still wasn't quite over the fact that her papa had done something so terribly wrong and so damaging, but he had learnt his lesson. She needed to get her life back on track, not nurse her anger and resentment forever. Something else Yuvraj had told her, her diary said.
She started working seriously again, started meeting her friends, allowing time to fade the shock of the events that had shaken her. As she sat home one evening after completing a presentation, her thoughts turned to Yuvraj, and not for the first time either. She had thought of him off and on, but didn't allow her mind to linger there. Now she felt a sudden urge to see him, talk to him, have him next to her, hear him. She remembered his words, when he'd told her he'd be there for her, no matter how bad she thought him. She remembered him telling her he loved her and wouldn't forget her, beyond all the tomorrows they could have. She scrolled down the contacts on her phone and dialled his number, as if in a trance, almost immediately ending the call as the saner part of her mind took over. Was she crazy? She should stay as far from him as possible.
He heard his phone ring and saw her name appear, but there was just the one ring. He didn't know whether to feel hopeful, scared, or whether it was just a mistake--but how could she misdial his number? Should he wait? Should he go there? Better wait.
A half hour later he was at her flat. He couldn't NOT come. Let her throw him out. Let her insult him, abuse him, whatever.
Masibi opened the door and stood right in the doorway, aggressively looking him up and down. She didn't know him, he had stayed well out of the arrangement with her, letting Sharad and Ramesh handle it.
"Suhani hai?"
"Bibiji so rahi hai," she whispered. "Tum kaun? Kya chahiye?"
He whispered back that her bibiji had called him, but she didn't seem impressed and looked like she had no intention of letting him in. She told him to come another time, she wasn't waking up her bibiji, nor letting him into her room.
"Pati hun mein unka. Andar aane do."
She scoffed at him, about to close the door, so he phoned Ramesh and asked him to tell his formidable aunt he was Suhani didi's husband, to let him in. He handed her the phone, and as she talked to Ramesh and looked him up and down again, he pushed his way past her and found Suhani's bedroom. She was lying down, not asleep, turned to her side. She was wearing a thin cotton sari today, every curve showing, and as if the nervousness at seeing her wasn't enough, his mouth felt dry as he looked at her. She quickly sat up when she saw him, looking annoyed. "Have you no manners? How dare you walk into my bedroom! How dare you walk into my house! You're not a prince here."
He resisted reminding her that he had entered her bedroom many times, even shared one with her. Best not to make her even more angry. "You called me, I was worried."
"I misdialled."
"You misdialled MY number? How?"
"Look, Yuvraj Birla, I am very sorry to have put your exalted self to so much trouble, okay? Nothing to worry about. I'm fine, as you can see." Then, as the thought struck her, "How on earth did you get past Masabi?"
"I told her I was your husband. Marriage is a trump card."
"That's easily fixed," she said in a steely tone.
He walked up to her and knelt down beside her. "Suhani, please listen to me. I'm sorry about everything. I was all kinds of wrong, all types of idiot, but I changed. You made me different. I don't know how to prove it to you, but everything I said or did at Bhandwargaon, at my place, was true, it came from my heart. Even before, I never meant to hurt you. I cared about you even before I loved you. Even if you want nothing to do with me, at least believe me."
She pulled at the sheet next to her, lay down and pulled the sheet over her head, as if to block him out. "Go away."
He didn't know why, but he felt she wasn't rejecting him completely. He walked to the other side of the bed, removed his shoes and clambered up so that he was sitting next to her, his back against the headboard. Very carefully, he lifted up one end of the sheet and uncovered her face. She was staring straight at him. "Suhani."
"I said, 'go away'."
"Why don't I believe you, then?"
She sat up abruptly and swung her legs over the edge of the bed like she was getting up. He said a quick prayer that she wouldn't call that aunt of Ramesh and throw him out, and he reached out and caught her by the waist, pulling her towards him so she ended up sitting with her back against him, while his arm imprisoned her there.
"Let me go."
"Make me."
"You have a nerve, coming here and trying to pick up where you left off. What did you think, you're so charming that I'll just forget everything and forgive you?" Even as she spoke, she knew that he knew that if she really wanted him out, she could've got him to leave.
"I'm terrible. You're wonderful. I'm bad, you're very good at making me better. Also at making me have a lot of bad, bad thoughts." His hand was snaking it's way around her waist, and she slapped at it. "Go ahead, hit me. Beat me up if it makes you feel better. But don't punish us both if you feel there's any way we can get past this." He nuzzled her neck, one hand still at her waist, holding her against him, the other stroking her shoulder and inching it's way down.
For a minute she was still, then she pushed against him and turned, kneeling on the bed. "NOW you want me? What about all the times you turned away?" And she found to her horror that she was crying, hating him, loving him, knowing she wanted him with her.
He crept up to her and pulled out his hanky, dabbing at the tears. She smacked his hand away. "Don't cry, sweetheart, please. I'm very bad around people who cry. But, you know, your eyes look even more gorgeous when you're crying." He kissed one eye, then the other, and ran his thumb over her lips, then caught hold of her and pulled her onto him, turning so that he was half lying across her. "Please." His voice was soft, his hands wiped the tears from her cheeks, tangled in her hair, his lips found hers, and once again it was spellbinding.
He was evil, he had some wicked magic that made her want to just let him do whatever he wanted to so she could continue feeling the wonderful sensations he awoke in her. He was kissing her, and she wanted it to never end. He had flung aside her pallu and was fumbling at her blouse, while his other hand was exploring her, claiming her. She wanted to touch him too. She started to unbutton his shirt, but he moved her hands and simply ripped it open and shrugged out of it. He pulled her arms around him, whispering, "Touch me." Her hands crept over his back, his chest; he could hardly believe this was happening.
Then she suddenly pushed him away and said, "No, I'm not making things so easy for you. I still have questions I need answered. I need to know . . ."
"SUHANI! Not the time. Come back here."
But she moved away from him and adjusted her sari and ran her fingers through her hair, combing it. He groaned and sat up. "If that's the case, I have a few questions too."
Shiv Shakti
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
CID
