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The 'widowhood effect': How losing a spouse can affect your health
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The 'widowhood effect': How losing a spouse can affect your health
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After a few minutes that could be best described as " Much ado about nothing " Rasaathi moved away from them, leaving them in their own private world. Madhu and Ravi watched her indulgently as she indulged in what she and most people on this planet did at one point or at all points in their lives. Potter around. Pottering around the house, in itself is harmless, but can turn irritating when the person pottering starts to fuss around.
Seeing her glance towards the sunset, Ravi placing a tender kiss on her head, told her there was no need to go out to the fields and sit on the bench like he had done for decades.
' You are my everything. All I ever wanted was to be loved by you and love you back and I have that right beside me and inside me.'
Standing tall on her toes, she kissed his lips and whispered, ' Does that mean the old memories have taken a backseat, master sir?'
Bending his head, he covered her mouth with his and after taking her breath away with a long kiss, looked at her and replied, ' Ma'am, there is a rumour, a myth that has been making the rounds around this tiny village called Kumarapalayam concerning a headmaster who is supposed to be wise and all-knowing. Silly people, for they are not aware that this wise man cannot match wits with his own Bengali wife or answer her simple questions.'
Spotting his mother in the kitchen, he yelled that they were going out for a walk and would be back soon.
Rasaathi shot back, ' Dei, I know what soon means to you both. So, take your time and come back when you feel like it. It will give me enough time to prepare dinner.'
Poking her head out of the kitchen, she looked at Madhu and told her that she was cooking her favourite items.
' Mother, everything you cook is my favourite dish.'
' Maybe, but dry fish curry with brinjal and potato is your favourite among all my dishes. Correct?'
Screaming with joy, Madhu ran to Rasaathi and hugging her tightly, thanked her and the old lady looked at her with loving eyes and said, ' Tomara sbamike dhan yabada, madhu. ( Thank your husband, Madhu) for he is the one who did all the shopping today.'
Totally surprised by what she had heard, Madhu looked at Ravi, who informed that both he and his mother had been learning Bengali for the past few weeks.
' Well, we thought it would make you feel at home and also feel a little less homesick. Emana ekajana mahilara jan ya amara ya karate pari, ye anyadera janya aneka kichu kareche ebaṁ anera janya aneka kichu sahya kareche. ( It is the least we can do for a lady who has done so much for others and has endured so much for others).
Rasaathi pointed to the door, ' Okay. Enough of mushy and cringy emotions. Run off to your fields and leave this old woman to cook in peace' and then told Ravi to call his uncle Dharmalingam and inform him of Madhu's arrival.
' Find out if he and Thamarai want to join us for dinner '
' Ok, amma. Will do.'
Holding hands they slowly walked through the mangrove and when Madhu stopped a few times to gather some wild flowers, Ravi said nothing for he knew why she was doing that.
He said nothing even when she slowly steered them into the forest of Perumalvaram. He watched in silence as Madhu cleared Meenakshi's grave and placed the flowers that she had gathered along the way.
' Ravi, I doubt if most get a chance at redemption even after they have died. Meenakshi must be truly a blessed soul for in the end she found her redemption in the very goddess that she is named after.
Her eyes brimming with tears and shining like stars, she looked at the grave and thanked the one who lay under it.
' She followed me to Paris and the only reason I can think of for her doing that is that she knew that Gayatri was pregnant with your babies. Even in the end, she came for you and for the love she had for you. How does one explain or try to understand this kind of love that is compulsive, obsessive but always protective?'
*How well do you know Chennai?!*
Some interesting and historical facts about places in and around Chennai...
1) Syed Shah Pettai has become *Saidapet*.
2) In 17,18-th centuries this area was under control of a Nawab and this was the garden were his horses were resting and getting fed. So it was called "Ghoda bagh" (Horse Garden). It later became *Kodambakkam*.
3) Armoured Vehicles And Depot of India became *Avadi*.
4) Several Chrome leather factories in the region resulted in this area being called *Chrompet*.
5) This area was full of coconut trees. Therefore named as “tennampettai”. It was later changed as *Teynampet*.
6) Hindi word “che baug” (six gardens) became *Chepauk*.
7) Saundara Pandian bazaar became *Pondy Bazaar*.
8) “vilva marankal” area with the flowers used for the Lord known as Mahavilvam over time has become *Mambalam*.
9) pallavapuram became *Pallavaram*.
10) Madras Presidency head was Panagal Raja at one point and based on his name, the park was named as *Panagal Park*.
11) Based on the name of Justice party leader Sir. Thiagarajan Chettiar, the area is known as *T Nagar*.
12) “Purasai” trees were in abundance in the region, leading it to be called *Purasaiwalkam*.
13) “Puspakavalli” in Sanskrit due to the large amount of Jasmine plants / trees in the region became “puviruntavalli” in tamil to get transformed as *Poonamalee*. now.
14) In the 17th century, there was a Muslim saint 'kunankuti Mastan Sahib' who lived here. Thondi was his native town in Ramanathapuram district. Therefore, the local people called him tondiyar. He used to frequent this place now known as *Tondiarpet*.
15) The area was used for grazing cattle. It was called Mandai veli before becoming *Mandaveli*.
16) Peacocks used to roam freely in this area leading it to be called Mayilai puram and later becoming *Mylapore*.
17) The Pallavas used to wage wars in this region now known as *Porur*.
18) Bamboo (Perambu) trees were found throughout this region a few hundred years ago, this is now known as *Perambur*.
19) The area surrounding the Thirusula Nathar Temple came to be known as *Thirusulam*. ( Trident hotel's name has come from the same source... Trident means *Thirusulam.
20) The pond with lots of lilies (Alli flower ) opposite to the Parthasarathy temple was known as Thiru allikkeni and later came to be known as *Triplicane*.
21) Thomas Parry used to do business in this area. He gained the respect of people resulting in the name *Parry’s Corner*. That is also why it is not “Paris Corner”
22) This area had many Neem trees around a big lake. In tamil Neem+Lake is Vepam+yeri this is now called *Vepery*.
How women over 50 are taking on the world
By Shoba Narayan, Wisdom Circle, October 4, 2024
“My husband is a busy lawyer and if I don’t stay home with the kids, the house will fall apart.”
“When my husband joined a fintech firm, I quit my job. I didn’t like my projects anyway. The kids are getting older and they need at least one parent to check on their classes, extracurriculars and grades.”
“Most days, I am fine being at home. I have a busy social life and lots of hobbies and interests. But there are days when I wake up and think, “What the heck am I doing with my life?”
India has among the lowest participation of women in the workforce. Every time I heard a woman say the above lines, I would think to myself—was it their lived experience or just excuses? Why aren’t more Indian women going out to work in spite of being highly qualified?
Recently though, I have noticed a happy trend among women in the fifties. They are blossoming in ways that even they could not have predicted.
Take Shailaja Jayaraman, my friend and neighbour. After raising her two daughters in the US and later in India as a stay-at-home Mom, she started – and now runs – a busy college counselling practice, all of which took off once she turned 50. “It keeps me young and relevant,” says Shailaja when I ask her to list the pleasures of her chosen profession. As for the challenges, she says, “Imposter syndrome.”
Now this is a phrase that is particularly used with women, even though it affects men too. It is the feeling that you are not good enough for what you do and that someone will find you out for the fake that you are. It is a burden that women carry when they speak out in the boardroom or in meetings—that their voices are not as important. The way women overcome this is by working twice as hard at their jobs and trying to deliver 200%. But here is an interesting phenomenon: imposter syndrome goes down as you age, and this is particularly true of women (and men) who re-enter the workforce later in life.
What is it about women over 50 that makes them particularly suited for entering or re-entering the workforce? Perhaps the largest impetus is the mind-space that older women gain once their children are grown and gone. The second reason could have to do with hormones. Sure, peri- and post-menopausal women have to deal with hot flashes and mood swings. But one advantage that age gives women is a certain confidence that comes from not having to prove anything to anybody. Some call this wisdom, others call it strength, or acceptance. “When I was young, I felt like I had to prove every little thing to my parents, spouse, in-laws and the world. Now, the elders are gone, my kids are in college, my spouse accepts me, and I feel more comfortable in my own skin,” said one 56-year-old woman. Whatever the reason, older women are ripe for entering the workplace because they have the quiet confidence that plays out well in most work situations.
Then why aren’t more women doing this? Why aren’t more women seeking out flexible jobs that give them purpose and keep them young? To me, there are several things that women have to overcome in order to go outside their homes for a job. Many of my friends don’t know what they want to do. A lifetime of staying home has allowed them the freedom and flexibility to dabble in many things but they don’t know how to convert it into a career. One Mumbai friend loves history, sings Hindustani music, and is a trained tarot card reader. “How do I make a career out of this?” she asks, throwing up her hands in distress. Hiring a career coach can help these women isolate a marketable skill from the range of interests and activities that they have engaged in.
The other reason could be testosterone — or lack thereof. I remember reading an article in Self magazine years ago where a woman injected herself with testosterone for two months and documented the changes that occurred in her psyche. Two words stood out for me from that article: focus and ferocity. Having testosterone in your body gives you the advantage of intense focus and a certain ferocity. Often, women believe that they don’t have these qualities. They may go to the gym with rigour and discipline but are intimidated by the prospect of taking on a new job that will require them to show up at the office every day. Overcoming this requires a little handholding and confidence-building.
The third reason has to do with guilt. No matter what you say, a job takes its toll. You may not be physically or emotionally available to your family in the way that you were. This may cause resentment and marital stress. “It is a new rhythm and the whole family needs to get used to it,” says Shailaja. “I may be physically present in the house but on calls. At the end of the day, I may not be as emotionally available as I used to be. All this takes adjustment.”
Another newly-working 55-year-old woman puts it this way, “My husband has held intense high-level jobs and wants to retire. I want to ramp up. Both of us need to adjust to this new reality.”
The rewards of taking on a job, project, assignment or gig for a woman in her fifties are rich though. If you are one of those women, who has fulfilled her parental and familial responsibilities and who is yearning to take on a new challenge, perhaps you should act on this and take a first step. It will keep your mind agile. You will feel empowered and confident. You will stay relevant. And guess what, you likely be terrific at the job you choose to join. What are you waiting for? Take a chance on yoursel
About the Author: Shoba Narayan is an author, journalist and columnist. Besides writing, she is interested in nature, wine, gadgets and Sanskrit. Her lifelong mission is to get fit without exercising and lose weight without dieting.
Primed for constant interruptions, your brain is now distracting itself, says science. It’s time to break the cycle and retrain your focus
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