ROFL - Page 11

Originally posted by: famzii05

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

this is the best sunday i ever had. been laughing for nearly two hours

Originally posted by: famzii05

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.



On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."



"What?" said the puzzled groom.



"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"



"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.



Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.




Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.



Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.



Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.



Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.



Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.



Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.



Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.



Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"



"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"



"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

🤣

Originally posted by: famzii05

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

enjoy!! 😉

I've known that joke for a long time but its still funny everytime I read it 🤣

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually
tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.
As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program,
the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut
goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in
forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the
hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their
daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's
studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He
then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and
low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to
get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes
school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers,
I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

Oh god what a huge collection of dirty jokes🤣

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."


you are all running riot. so i m trying to tone down a bit

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Originally posted by: llSerenityll

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually
tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.
As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program,
the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut
goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in
forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the
hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their
daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's
studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He
then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and
low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to
get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes
school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers,
I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

🤣

Originally posted by: famzii05

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

You all are murdering me. 🤣