Posted:
September, 7th, 2010 – secret tape recorded diary of Gopi Modi
Today Ahamji took me to new heights of happiness and then brought me to new levels of despair. I shouldn't have dared to enjoy being so close to him. I know he doesn't like me, doesn't like to look at me, doesn't want to be near me but I just wanted to dry the wet clothes! I didn't want get caught in the fan. That was an accident. I didn't do it on purpose. I will do better tomorrow…I will try harder to stay away from Ahamji. But when he was near me I thought my heart would explode…it was beating so fast. For a minute there I forgot myself and started to dream that Ahamji feels something for me… for a minute I hoped! I dreamed! I know I shouldn't but when he looked at me I forgot that I am so unlovable, so unworthy, so undeserving of a man like him. A man who is so perfect, so sundar, so …*takes a sobbing breath* For a minute I forgot that what I was dreaming can never be! When he told me how he really felt I shouldn't have cried, I know how much he hates that! Why do I do things to upset him? When all I want is to make him happy and make his life easier! Why does everything I do turn bad? Mami and Rashi ben and maaji are right I am a fool who can do nothing right. Tomorrow I will try harder! Maybe they wont hate me so much and maybe….*more crying*
Today Ahamji took me to new heights of happiness and then brought me to new levels of despair. I shouldn't have dared to enjoy being so close to him. I know he doesn't like me, doesn't like to look at me, doesn't want to be near me but I just wanted to dry the wet clothes! I didn't want get caught in the fan. That was an accident. I didn't do it on purpose. I will do better tomorrow…I will try harder to stay away from Ahamji. But when he was near me I thought my heart would explode…it was beating so fast. For a minute there I forgot myself and started to dream that Ahamji feels something for me… for a minute I hoped! I dreamed! I know I shouldn't but when he looked at me I forgot that I am so unlovable, so unworthy, so undeserving of a man like him. A man who is so perfect, so sundar, so …*takes a sobbing breath* For a minute I forgot that what I was dreaming can never be! When he told me how he really felt I shouldn't have cried, I know how much he hates that! Why do I do things to upset him? When all I want is to make him happy and make his life easier! Why does everything I do turn bad? Mami and Rashi ben and maaji are right I am a fool who can do nothing right. Tomorrow I will try harder! Maybe they wont hate me so much and maybe….*more crying*
Kumkum Bhagya
Anupamaa
