OS: Khamoshi - Page 3

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AngelTeen

@AngelTeen

Stunner

+ 8

Posted: 11 years ago

#21

Good one. Specially love the little touches you have put in there like him still being a slave to routine (he would get up at 4 only) all the while admitting that some things which hadnt been routine in the past have become so now and their absence gets to him like her phone calls or tasty food or just her washing his clothes...

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Anisha

@anishaumer

Explorer

Posted: 11 years ago

#22

Really good dear! Do Continue! Xxx

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Navin

@napstermonster

Voyager

+ 7

Posted: 11 years ago

#23

It was this line: "feeling emptiness brush over his hands."

This is the line that made me choke up, and then made me take a time out, and re-read this piece about three times before I could get over it. Because emptiness does not have substance. You know that, and yet you used this line. It cannot touch you, emptiness. But with Rudra, its like HE is so empty, he is so adrift, even the ghost of a sensation that used to be Paro--used to be Paro's clothing, for heaven's sake--even those ghostly fingers of sensation is enough for him to yearn for, to turn to and to miss having.

The fact is that Paro, without being actually anywhere in this piece is more THERE than the solid, masuline overpowering Major himself. His loss is embodied in that line. She is the emptiness, her loss is silence, her lack is...khamoshi. His stupidity is khamoshi, the attempts he has made to go on living, have all, one by one, diminished him into emptiness.

He is unable to sleep. He has lost the ability to flop down onto his belly, sprawl like a young god on his bed, sideways, tuck his weary head into a pillor that is just his, that he can selfishly cuddle to himself. Now, he is empty. He tries to fill in his empty fingers, yearns for the missing weight on his arm, tries to wrap his limbs around a too-light pillow. Empty.

He cannot heal. His tablets need to have that missing voice be the impetus for him to put them into his mouth. His food needs that missing hand to prepare it for sustenance to reach his mouth. Hell, his clothes need that absent presence to clean them, clothe him well for his job. His family, his father needs that girl to be brought home, to not be rejected. His empty Haveli needs the sounds she makes, the name she calls out, the presence of her.

And with all of her missing, he is not just empty, he is diminished. The only time he creates a sound in your work, aside from the word "wh**e" is when his bike is roaring. He breaks "khamoshi" when he finally decides to go get her. That is when the khamoshi ends. When he wakes up to what his heart was saying into that silence.

Man, Chotidesi. I dont know what you look like, who you are, how old you are, where you live. Nothing. We chat back and forth via this odd, disembodied medium. And yet I now you are beautiful, and blazingly talented, you are emotionally intuitive and honest and soulful. What a great writer does, is reveals their souls in their work. I think you just did that, and we are honored to see it.

Edited by napstermonster - 11 years ago

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Shruti

@...shruti...

Sparkler

+ 4

Posted: 11 years ago

#24

i dont really know what to say right now i have been stalking your work on tumblr and reading it all silently i just have to say that your work is truly amazing

writing research papers is my only limit but they way you strung words always leave me speechless.

coming to this OS i really love how you pointed out all the little thing she used to do for him and how it affects him now also the blue kurta thing which is actually very significant in their story i esp love the part where he try to fill the gap in btw his fingers which was really touching

waiting to read more stuffz from your side 😳

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Skyfall

@Skyfall

Voyager

+ 4

Posted: 11 years ago

#25

Unresed on the first page <3

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Meena

@chotidesi

Rocker

+ 5

Posted: 11 years ago

#26

Originally posted by: Skyfall
This was written beautifully <3
You managed to convey his loneliness so well, so well that even I (the reader) felt as if I was him, that I was experiencing all his emotions.

Such a wonderfully written piece of work!

I really hope you now know what an amazing writer you actually are!

Really, it is a pleasure to read your work.

Can't wait to read more.

PS... Cv's if you are staking India forums, please incorporate this scene into the actual show 😉

Sky!! 🤗 You're such a sweetheart- always leaving me lovely comments and boosting my ego. I'm pleased you felt his emotions- as a writer, that's a huge goal of mine, and the fact that you felt that is... humbling, almost. Love you!

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Meena

@chotidesi

Rocker

+ 5

Posted: 11 years ago

#27

Originally posted by: Aish002
res
edit:

i actually missed reading your work...and as always...this OS too is a treat to read..

Rudra is too miserable...without Paro...well..it is his own deeds and words that drove her away...wonder how Paro is feeling on the other end,...

Aish, I'm glad you missed my work- as terrible as that sounds. If it means I get to read your lovely comments, I am very glad- thank you!

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Meena

@chotidesi

Rocker

+ 5

Posted: 11 years ago

#28

Originally posted by: rashika
Awesome os.
Well I agree with what his father said that Rudra wanted paro out so she left for that reason. She always seems to obey the things he doesn't want her to obey and now he's suffering because of it.
Poor Rudra.

I agree with Dilsher too- I wish he was back on the show to knock some sense into Rudra. But he seems rather busy with his pilgimage. So I won't deny him, I guess- thanks for the comment! 😳

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Ankita

@_SenbonZakura_

Stunner

+ 5

Posted: 11 years ago

#29

This is the first work of yours I have read.. And by god, you are awesome!

The silence, blatantly taunting him about her absence in his life! Brilliantly portrayed CD-Sa!

By any chance, are you gonna write her side as well? How she feels when he comes on the phatphatiya to take her back?

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niyoti

@niyoti

Voyager

+ 2

Posted: 11 years ago

#30

Choti!

I see you're getting a jump start on creative weekends. Loved this one! Something in the vicinity of that thing they call a heart broke into pieces when I came to the part about him picking up the phone hoping to hear her voice.. it's this pang... I can't explain it.. but it conveys a deep sense of loss to me.. Perhaps you'll understand where I'm coming from if I tell you that it reminds of a man picking up the phone out of habit at a certain time in the day when his wife usually used to call.. he knows she won't anymore.. but he picks it up anyway.. He knows there is no logic to his actions but still...

Ultimately he ends uplistening to his late wife's voicemail on a loop..

EDIT: You are awesome! Did I not mention that before??? AWESOME I say! As usual..

Edited by niyoti - 11 years ago

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OS: Khamoshi - Page 3

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