~The Sunshine of My Life#2 AsYa FF~||Link to third thread PG 125 - Page 61

Asad sat by Rashid's grave, his eyes staring into complete nothingness. His mind was completely blank one second, and a complete mess of thoughts the other. In all these years of anger, holding grudges and hatred he hadn't thought that he would have to face his father ever again, and if he ever had to, he would pretend it didn't bother him, he would merely behave nonchalant and refuse to acknowledge his presence. But today suddenly every grudge he ever held against this man had vanished, and all that was there, was a huge gap in his heart left vacant. He had been so used to hating the man all these years, that when he had seen his lifeless form, the bitterness in his heart had felt small and fickle in front of all the feelings that encircled him.

He had reached Rashid's house an hour before only to find the funeral halted because Ayaan hadn't wanted to go ahead with it without him. He hadn't questioned Dilshad why Asad hadn't come, but had just sat down and refused to get up till Asad got there. And it hurt to know that Dilshad hadn't called him even then.

But he had let go all those thoughts and given precedence to what held more importance. Ignoring Shireen's taunts and the gossiping crowd present at Ayaan's house, Asad had gone ahead and taken over every responsibility of the funeral along with Ayaan. Ayaan who had looked like a lost boy minutes ago had suddenly gained the strength like the man of the house in his brother's presence.

Asad came back to reality and looked around. He saw Ayaan sitting a few metres away from him, his back hunched, his eyes dark and forlorn. He moved towards him and placed his arms around his shoulders and without a word pulled him into a tight embrace. Holding his head to his chest, he ruffled Ayaan's hair. Ayaan who had been holding himself till then, let go and sobbed in his brothers arms. Asad held his brothers shaking frame and let him cry his heart out, knowing too well he wouldn't have that liberty when he returned home. He gently placed Ayaan's head in his lap and patted his hair, allowing him to relax, to aggrieve or do whatever his heart felt like.

When he had calmed down and stopped crying Asad made him sit up again. He smiled seeing his brothers swollen eyes and running nose, flashes of their childhood coming alive in front of his eyes when he used to wipe his nose and help him blow it because he didn't know how to. Realising that Ayaan needed the same guidance today; he removed his handkerchief and set out to wipe his face and his nose. Ayaan gave out a wet laugh, even though a few tears oozed out his eyes while he did so.

Asad smiled gently and ruffled his hair," I am sorry Ayaan."

"Sorry kyun Bhaijaan?" Ayaan said softly, his eyes peering into Asad's in confusion.

"Because I wasn't with you when you needed me the most, I became selfish, too wound up in my own miseries and grudges to look beyond it." Asad accepted remorsefully.

"No Bhaijaan if I lost a father you lost him too. Maine toh unhe aaj pehli baar khoya hai, you've lost him for the second time." Ayaan answered pointedly surprising Asad with the maturity and understanding in his statement, making him realise that his younger brother wasn't so young anymore after all, he had grown up. Just the thought made him feel a sense of proud.

"Lekin Ayaan.."

"No Bhaijaan you don't have to explain yourself to me. After all that Abu has done to you, to Badi Ammi I didn't expect you to come to the hospital; I didn't expect you to want to meet him at any given point. Aapki jagah agar mai hota, toh unke har ehsaas se dur rehna chahta. Par aap? Aapne itna kuch hone ke baad bhi kabhi mujhse, apni behnon se apna muh nahi moda. He left you for money, but it was the same thing you gave him without blinking an eye when he needed it, when he hadn't even asked you for it. You might have done it because you say you love and care for us, but I know you did it because you love him all the same. You didn't want him to feel ashamed in front of his second family too. You didn't want me to feel the resentment for my own father, which you had grown up feeling for him. He may have left you thoughtlessly, but you've stayed with him at every step in his life without letting your own family know. But I knew Bhaijaan, even if you never let me know. And I knew my Bhaijaan would come today, I knew he would come for me, but I had more faith that he would come for his Abu." Ayaan said confidently, looking at his brother with deference, and love.

Asad sat speechless, more than just moved at his brothers words. He had wanted to interrupt and deny so many things Ayaan had said, but he had been left overwhelmed at the love and understanding from his brother.

Hugging Ayaan from his side he patted his shoulder proudly," Bahut bade ho gaye ho Ayaan, bahut badi badi baatein karne lage ho?" Ayaan smiled wistfully shaking his head in denial.

"Ab sirf baatein hi badi nahi karni Ayaan, ab apne ghar ka khayal tumhe hi rakhna hai. And I am with you, whenever you need me; you know I am just a call away." Asad reassured him.

Asad and Ayaan sat there for the next few hours, besides the grave of the man who was the reason of their existence, somewhere responsible for their priceless undying bond.

************

"Phupi please kuch kha lijiye, aapne din mai bhi kuch nahi khaya tha." Zoya coaxed Dilshad to eat, as she and Najma sat on both her sides comforting her.

"Zoya mujhe bhook nahi hai, I just want to take some rest. If you both don't mind can I get sometime alone?"

Zoya nodded at Najma and both of them silently made their way out of the room.

"Najma please tum toh kuch kha lo, you haven't had anything either." Zoya said making Najma sit on the couch forcefully, making a morsel for her.

"Zoya bhaijaan ne bhi kuch nahi khaya hoga. Abu's death, Ammi's words, and then that fight with his own feelings, it must have been really hard for him Zoya. Waise bhi Bhaijaan kabhi apni feelings kisi se share nahi karte, aur ye toh unke liye sabse mushkil waqt hai. Mujhe toh Abbu achi tarah yaad bhi nahi hai,I was that young when he left, par bhaijaan itne chote nahi the Zoya. Pata nahi iss waqt woh kaise honge, I am really worried. Aur dekho na itni der ho gayi abhi tak ghar bhi nahi aaye hai, phone bhi band hai.." Najma ranted her concern endlessly, growing frantic in worry for her brother.

"Najma calm down, woh bilkul theek honge. If you know your Bhaijaan well, you know no matter what the situation might be, he's always strong when it comes to his family." Zoya assured her.

"I know Zoya, but that's the problem. He's strong for us, but what about him?" Najma said softly, her thoughts zoning out in all directions.

Zoya nodded, agreeing in her mind, that Asad always cared for his family, for his loved ones, but she had seen him talk very little about himself, about what he felt or wanted. She realized though that she had managed to make him express his feelings quite a few times. Did he trust her so much to share them with her? Did she mean anything to him that he dared to share all that he had kept hidden all these years?

"Zoya mai sone ja rahi hun, I don't think I can eat anything tonight please?" Najma shook her out her reverie.

"Najma at least have a glass of milk? Mai Aahana ke liye garam karne hi wali hun, you also have some." Zoya said sternly making Najma smile finally.

"Thanks Zoya, for being there, for doing so much for each one of us. Aap mera, Ammi ka, Bhaijaan ka aur khaas kar ke Aahana ka kitna khayal rakh rahi hai. You've just been here for a few months but I don't think I can imagine this house without you anymore. I hope you stay with us here forever." Najma said almost ordering her and took her in a bone crushing hug, which Zoya reciprocated with equal fervour, feeling warm and special, Najma's words, her dependency on her giving her more reason to believe that the new feelings in her had every reason to grow.

**********

Zoya stared at the clock every few seconds, restless and worried for Asad. She had tried calling him but his phone was switched off. She looked at Aahana who had slept off a while ago. She had been morose and quite, hadn't played much, hadn't been up to her antics.

Zoya caressed Aahana's soft tresses and pushed herself down on the bed next to her and kept staring at her, her presence giving her a sense of calm. Her eyes grew heavy and sleep took over.

***********

Zoya woke up sometime later feeling disoriented and groggy. She rubbed her eyes and turned to see the time. She remembered sleeping over her stress about Asad and wondered if he had made it back home. She got out of the bed and picked Aahana and placed her in her cradle that she had shifted to her room earlier that day.

Zoya went to his room but was surprised to find it empty. Worried for him she checked the hall room, the balconies, even Najma and Dilshad's room but on finding him no where she started to panic. She was about to run and wake Dilshad when she saw him. He was sitting in the garden, down on the grass, with his back stooped, frail and tired.

She walked out to the garden,near him. Seeing him so low, not the powerful confident man that he was, broke her heart.

She didn't want to impose herself or push him when he didn't seem in the mood for any of it. Silently she sat next to him trying to make as little noise as she could. Letting him have his time and space, but also letting him know that she was there.

"You didn't sleep." Asad said finally breaking his silence.

"You haven't either." Zoya replied pointedly.

"You don't need to sit here, you should go and sleep, it's been quite a day."

"It's been long yes, but not as long as it's been for you."

"Miss Farooqui!" Asad groaned exasperated that she wasn't listening to him.

"Mr Khan!" Zoya countered in the same tone.

"Aahana?" Asad asked after a few minutes of silence.

"She's asleep, and so are Phupi and Najma. Don't worry Mr Khan they're fine." Zoya assured and Asad blinked in response, surprised at how well Zoya understood him.

Asad and Zoya sat there without a word, for Asad it being a usual routine but he felt odd that Zoya had to share that silence. He didn't think she deserved to be enveloped with an atmosphere so depressing and sad.

"Miss Farooqui, you don't have to sit here, I'll be okay.. I'll sleep in a while." Asad suggested.

"I don't have to, but I want to Mr Khan."

"Why?"

Zoya didn't reply this time, she didn't think it was necessary for him to know why; she didn't even think he knew what he really wanted or needed.

When he was about to urge her to leave again she picked up a small tiffin she had placed besides her and pushed it towards him.

"What's this?" Asad raised his brows in confusion.

"Food...which you haven't eaten yet."

"And that I don't want to."

"I haven't either." Zoya played her trick, knowing what made him sensitive.

"That's your wish, I wouldn't force you." Asad said outsmarting her making her scowl.

"Fine!" She huffed, but didn't leave his side and continued sitting there, with the tiffin lying between them which they kept glancing at time to time, one hungry and the other one guilty of being the one responsible for it.

Asad sighed and opened the tiffin and pushed it towards Zoya. Zoya looked away, her lips twitching slightly into a smile and pushed the tiffin back to him. After passing the tiffin between each other for a while, both of them grew tired of the game and turned around, hoping to scream some sense into the other. But on seeing the other mirroring the same expression burst out laughing.

Asad chuckled freely while Zoya just stared at him smiling to herself, feeling pleased to see him ease off after that strenuous long day.

But as quickly as the happiness came, so did the looming cloud of sadness. Asad's laugh faded as reality struck him, reminding him he didn't have any reason to laugh like this today.

Zoya picked up a roll and offered it to him, which he silently bit on. Without looking at her, he picked up the other roll and passed it to her taking the one she was feeding him in his own hand to eat. Zoya smiled to herself as she gulped down the food in a blur.

"Anything else?" Asad said heavily.

"Yeah remove your shirt." Zoya said in the same tone, not looking at him like he wasn't at her.

"What?" Asad said finally turning to her, staring at her incredulously.

Zoya turned to pick up the first aid box next to her and sat facing him.

"I think you've forgotten you've injured your shoulder and hands both today. Ideally you should be getting injected for tetanus, but it's too late for that now. At least let me change the dressing." Zoya offered softly but yet managing to keep her tone strict.

Asad was too tired to retaliate and his arm stiff from the pain. His stubbornness took a back seat and he let Zoya peel his shirt off.

Zoya winced as she saw the huge gash on his shoulder as she removed the bandage she had loosely tied before he had left in a hurry. She dabbed the antiseptic on his arm, making him flinch. She stopped and pressed on it more gently and slowly.

"How's Ayaan?"

"He's fine, stronger than I thought." Asad said smiling sadly as he remembered his brother's sudden act of maturity.

"And how are you? As strong as you thought you were?"

Zoya's comment made Asad turn to her in surprise. He stared at her, taken aback at her words that had hit home.

"I am fine, nothing's wrong with me, why would it be?"

"If Ayaan lost a father, you did as well."

"Why do all of you keep saying that? He said that too. It's not the same Miss Farooqui. He's been living with his father from when he was born. I have spent most of my life without him. I feel sorry for his departure but what difference would it make? I am used to his absence anyway." Asad snapped losing control over himself. Why was everyone preaching him?

"It's all the same Mr Khan. It doesn't matter if he was with you or around you. He was your father."

"Yes, just in name."

"At least you knew the name Mr Khan. I don't even know my father's identity. I don't know who he is, how he looks, why he left me, nothing. But I STILL love him Mr Khan, because he's my father. No child can ever hate their parent; no child can ever be unaffected at their loss. If I feel love for a father who only exists in my mind, why wouldn't you feel the same for yours when you've lived a few conscious years of your life with him." Zoya pointed out matter of fact.

I am not preaching Mr Khan, I don't want you to tell me anything. I want you to be honest to yourself. Aap ke dil mai jo ye gussa hai, confusion hai, dard hai, all this anguish, all the turmoil, it will never leave you unless you start saying the truth. Not to me, not to anyone else, but to your own self. Stop running away Mr Khan, stopping running away from the truth, face it, embrace it and watch how life will do the same for you." Zoya said gently, as she finally finished bandaging his shoulder. Wrapping his shirt around his shoulder, she assembled the mess around and stood up to leave.

She was about to walk away when she felt him hold her hand and tug at it. She didn't wait for him to tell her, but just sat down next to him again, turning to look at him.

"No! Don't look at me, turn away." Asad said as his voice broke.

Zoya didn't obey, making him shut his eyes and look away himself. He felt her hand go around his arm and her head lean on his shoulder.

Her touch and silent support broke the dam," I don't know how to deal with this Zoya, I just don't.." he broke off.

"All my life I have hated that man, detested him for whatever he did to us, I don't know how to deal with what I feel about him. I only know how to ignore it, push it away. Or better, just the let the hurt reside in me and let it build; let it harden more than I already am. But today I feel nothing, no control, no pain to control, just nothing. Why? Why Zoya?" Asad said his voice giving away his turmoil, as tears finally made out of his eyes all barriers broken.

"Because you've let go Mr Khan.. you've finally let it all go. Without knowing, without intending, you've buried whatever angst you had in your heart, like you buried your father to his grave. And that is the right thing to do, not only for yourself, but for your family, for your mother, for your daughter. Your anger and resentment can't take you back in time, can't change anything that happened years ago, but it will ruin your today, your tomorrow Mr Khan." Zoya said leaning on him, as she passed her hand on his arm caressing it to comfort him.

"Apne aap se mat ladiye Mr Khan, apne aapse itne sawaal mat kariye, kyunki har sawaal ka jawaab nahi hota Mr Khan. Sach boliye and watch how you'll deal with everything better than you are."

She turned around and without another word hugged him with all her might. Coiling her thin arms around his huge frame she hugged him tightly. Asad let out a sob when he felt her touch, and bit back on it embarrassed. But when she caressed his back gently, he let his tears fall unrestrained, and he cried, cried in the arms of a girl he hadn't known for more than a few months, but who had suddenly become someone he knew he could depend upon. A girl he didn't know would become an indispensable part of his life.

He nodded against her neck and twisted his arms around her as well," I do love him Zoya, no matter how hard I try to hate, but I can't.. I do love him."

"Who Mr Khan? Say it!" Zoya said.

"Abbu.." Asad said after a few minutes of awkward painful silence.

And he cried shaking with sobs, even as he tried to hold back. But Zoya egged him on, forcing him to emit all that he had suppressed for years. Helping him to deal with a phase of his life that had made him the man he was, so that he could leave it behind him and move on to a better, peaceful life, maybe with her, or so she hoped.

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