CHAPTER 11:
Asad rushed out of his office like a man possessed, got into his car and drove through the afternoon traffic with no heed to any traffic rules.
The house was quite when he entered and for a second it crossed his mind where his Ammi was but then he no longer cared if his Ammi found out the truth. He felt it's time even she faced the reality.
"Tanveer!" he called out on top of his voice but there was no response. He rushed towards his room and opened it to see Tanveer taking a leisurly siesta in the afternoon while Naina was awake and sitting beside her on the bed, trying to entertain herself with her toys.
"Tanveer!" Asad shouted once again and went and dragged her up by pulling her hands.
"Asad!.. what are you doing? And why are you shouting like this?" Tanveer asked in a sleepy voice.
"And it's afternoon... why are you home in the afternoon?" Tanveer suddenly realized that it was not even evening and not the time when Asad usually returned home from office.
"Yes it's afternoon... and I am here at home because I cannot tolerate another night with you in this house... so pack your things and leave this house immediately.. I don't want to see you here when I return home this evening." Asad was shaking with anger. Suddenly he saw some of Naina's toys on the floor and started picking them up hastily, lest he might do something damaging with his hands like hitting Tanveer.
"Asad, calm down... what happened and why are you asking me to leave this house?" Tanveer was now fully awake and she got scared sensing what must have happened.
"Calm down?... It's the second time this afternoon that I have heard someone telling me that."
Asad was facing away from Tanveer, but suddenly he turned around and faced her and Tanveer could see that he was shaking with anger. She could also see that he was holding something which he picked from the floor tightly with one hand as if he was going to crush it, and to her dismay Tanveer realized that it was the new and expensive baby Susher of Naina that they had recently bought. But before Tanveer could say anything, Asad threw it across the room and it hit the wall and shattered into pieces, disturbing the quietness of the afternoon and alerting Dilshad who was doing her Asr prayer calmly in her room.
Asad then started walking towards Tanveer with measured steps and Tanveer started backing off seeing the look on his face.
"And do you know who had told me earlier to calm down? If I tell you that may be you would know why I am asking you to leave." Asad stopped in front of Tanveer and held one of her hands harshly.
"Feroz...it was Feroz who earlier told me to calm down.. perhaps now you know why I am asking you to leave?" Asad's sarcastic voice and the name Feroz' sent a chill down Tanveer's body.
"Feroz?" Tanveer whispered faintly.
"Yea Feroz..." Asad's jaw clenched in anger and his hold on Tanveer's forearm tightened.
"What... what exactly did Feroz tell... tell you?" Tanveer stammered.
"He told me the truth Tanveer... he told me everything so there is no point in denying anything."
"He... he is lying Asad... don't believe him." Tanveer tried to blame Feroz.
"Really? If he is lying, then what about this, Tanveer?"
"This..." Tanveer looked closely at the photos which Asad was holding in front of her face and she then understood that Asad knew everything and there was no way out for her now, and a look of fear and apprehension appeared on her face, but she still tried to bluff.
"I don't know what those photos are... it must be some kind of trick of Feroz to..." Tanveer could not complete her words because right that moment she felt the sting of Asad's hand as he slapped her and the force of it made Tanveer fall backwards on to the bed.
"Don't lie to me Tanveer... I cannot now stand the sight of you in front of me... But even more than that I cannot stand the fact that you are still trying to lie to me and make a fool of me." Asad yelled at her with his hand still raised towards her.
The angry voice of Asad really frightened Sunaina this time and she started crying loudly, making Asad aware of his surroundings and he lowered his raised hand realizing that he was going to slap Tanveer a second time. He had never raised his hand to anyone in his life and he could not believe he did that right now, but he did not feel any remorse; only a sense of justice.
"Asad please... let me explain..." Tanveer tried to make some excuses.
"I don't want to hear anything you say Tanveer... everything is crystal clear to me... and these are proof enough of your activities." Asad said harshly, and threw the photos at Tanveer's face, and they scattered on to the floor in front of her.
It was at that moment that Dilshad finished her prayer and came running to Asad's room and entered it.
"What's happening here Asad? Why is so much noise coming from here?" Dilshad asked in a panicked voice and glanced at Naina who was still crying loudly; but had not got any attention from the other two members in the room. Dilshad stood staring at both of them and when she did not get any answer from either of them, she went and picked up Naina and started to pat her back and sooth her. Dilshad then turned around with Sunaina in her arms and was about to question them once again, when she saw the photos lying on the floor. Out of the corners of her eyes, Tanveer saw her looking at them but she dared not pick them up as Asad was standing nearby.
Dilshad bent down slowly and picked up the photos with her free hand and stared at them shockingly. She then stared first at Tanveer and then at Asad with questioning eyes. Tanveer avoided her gaze but Asad looked back at her with evident anger and disgust on his face.
"See those photos Ammi... See them carefully... then you will know what your darling daughter in law does behind my back" Asad lashed out and Tanveer cringed.
"Asad... These photos... I don't understand.." Dilshad tried to comprehend what Asad said and what those photos meant.
"There is nothing much to understand in them Ammi... your Bahu is having an affair with that man in the photos."
"What!..." Dilshad felt as if she was going to faint but luckily she was standing near the bed and she sank on to the bed clutching Naina tightly and took few deep breaths to calm herself. Najma who had just come home from school and heard Naina crying, entered Asad's room at that moment.
"Najma please take Naina and go to your room and give her something." Dilshad told Najma and hid the photos in her other hand behind her back, so that Najma would not see them. Najma looked at Asad and Tanveer's face and realized that something terrible had happened but she did not dare ask anything, realizing the tension in the room. And she did as her Ammi told and took away the crying Sunaina with her.
"Asad, please tell me what this is all about?... I still don't understand what you said... why would Tanveer do such a thing?... Is this true Tanveer? She went and stood in front of Tanveer but Tanveer kept on staring at her foot silently, and Dilshad turned towards Asad once again.
"All right Ammi.. If you want to know the whole truth, I will tell you the whole truth..." And Asad told her everything including what Feroz told him about the elderly man and what Rehan had told him earlier.
"...and that's the real face of this woman here... I am telling her to leave this house immediately... I don't want to see her face inside this house anymore." Asad strode out of the room, banging the door loudly.
"Tanveer, how could you? How could you become so cheap... and how could you betray my son this way?" Dilshad went and held Tanveer's chin forcefully and made her look at Dilshad.
"Ammi..." Tanveer started but Dilsahd cut her off.
"Don't call me Ammi... you have lost your right to call me that." Dilshad yelled.
"I am sorry... Ammi please... give me one more chance and I will never do anything like that again." Tanveer finally started crying and looked at Dilshad pleadingly
"No Tanveer... you have betrayed my son... you have betrayed me.. I trusted you so much and it was because of me that Asad married you... but what have you given us in return for the trust and love we bestowed on you." Dilshad questioned Tanveer bitterly.
"You have made Asad's worst fears come true... ever since his Abbu left me for another woman, Asad has grown up with a deep rooted fear for relationships... he was afraid to trust anyone and he was even afraid to trust himself... but because of my advice and persistence he married you and started to trust in relationships...had started to believe in love, companionship and a future with you... he had started to live once again and he had started to learn to be happy... but you have destroyed everything and I can never forgive you for this... and I know my son... he will never forget what happened and will never trust you again even if you try... so like he said, you have to leave here... there is no second chance for you and no place for you in this house anymore... pack your things and leave." Saying this Dilshad left the room with one final look at the face of the crying Tanveer, tears streaming down her own face.
Dilshad went to her room and sank into her own bed and cried her heart out. She clutched her pillow and sobbed uncontrollably for almost 2 hours. She knew she had to stop and perhaps go and see how Sunaina was, but the tears wouldn't stop coming. They were tears of regret for allowing Tanveer to stay in their house, for trusting her and believing that she was an innocent nice woman, and they were tears of regret for pushing Asad into getting married when he himself was not interested; they were tears of pain for how her son would continue to suffer in future.
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And Dilshad was sobbing uncontrollably once again, by the time she finished narrating the story to Zoya. Zoya sat clutching Dilshad's hands and silent tears streamed down her own face as well. She could very well relate to the pain and feel the pain that this family had gone through.
"Zoya, after that terrible afternoon, Asad just went in to a shell..." Dilshad tried to control herself and talk once again.
"I still remember how he came home that evening and how he looked. He was a man completely broken and I longed to go to him and gather him into my arms, but I was myself broken and I was feeling guilty thinking that it was me who actually betrayed him and it was because of me he was facing all that; and I did not know what to say to him to comfort him, so I did not go to him. And he himself did not say anything except ask me if Tanveer had left and when I nodded in answer he just went inside his room and shut the door and I immediately knew that he had shut the door of his heart once again, and that he would never again allow anyone to enter it, not even me."
"So you see Zoya, my son has suffered a lot and gone through a lot... And that has made him the way he is now, and that is the reason why he is being so harsh with you as well... I am not trying to defend him and say that how he behaved with you is right, but just trying to make you understand why he behaves the way he does and speak so harshly and judgmentally at times...and anyway its me who has to take the blame for all this, and I am the reason why Asad behaves the way he does now, so please forgive me Zoya."
Zoya reached with one hand and wiped the tears running down Dilshad's face.
"Phupi, first thing is you need not ask me for forgiveness... you are like my Ammi and it hurts me when you ask me for forgiveness... and second why do you insist that it's all your fault?... from what you have told me, I cannot see any fault of yours in what happened in Mr.Khan's life... you are his Ammi, his protector and you would never do anything to hurt him... what you did, you did with good intention and you pushed him to get married because you care for him and wants the best in life for him... you wanted him to have all the happiness in life which you never had and he never had as a child... and you trusted someone to give that happiness to him, but she betrayed you, she betrayed Mr.Khan and she failed to give you both what she promised... so there is no fault of yours in this Phuppi...please, stop blaming yourself." Zoya talked to Dilshad in a loving voice.
"But Zoya, didn't you here what Asad said?... all these days I blamed myself but he never said anything to me , but today he finally did... that means he also blames me..."
"No Phuppi... He must have said what he said in anger... I am sure he would not really blame you... you tried to defend him and make me understand why he behaved the way he did towards me, but when it comes to you, you think he really accused you of destroying his life?... no phuppi, I am sure he is right at this moment regretting what he said to you... So please stop blaming yourself OK..." Zoya squeezed Dilshad's hand reassuringly.
And Dilshad smiled despite her anguish.
"Zoya, you are such a wise and kindhearted girl... And I am glad I shared my feelings with you today."
"That's the spirit Phupi... sharing always helps... and promise me that you would stop blaming yourself... if you keep on blaming yourself, you would never be able to help Mr.Khan as well." Zoya told Dilshad.
"I know Zoya... I also understand that as well.. I know that if there is anyone in this world who could still go through the barrier that Asad has erected and make him live again, it's perhaps me... but still I am not able to do it because I fear his rejection and all these days I feared him telling me the same thing he said today and facing it, and so in a way I am glad he said it today and it's out in the open between us... Zoya, how I wish to see him smile once again... and how I wish to see him embrace life once again..." Dilshad sighed.
"You will Phuppi... you will see it.. just promise yourself that you will try once again to help your son.. A mother can never do any wrong to a child... and Phuppi, I am here if you need any help from me or a shoulder to cry on." Zoya squeezed Dilshad's hand reassuringly once again.
"Thank you Zoya.. I really feel as if a big burden has been lifted from my heart... I'm really glad I talked to you, but I think it's quite late now... may be you should go home now." Dilshad caressed Zoya's cheek lovingly.
"Ok I will go Phuppi... just try to sleep calmly tonight withought thinking about anything... I'm sure you will feel better in the morning... good night.."
"Good night Zoya..."
While Dilshad and Zoya were talking in Dilshad's room, Asad sat on the edge of his bed, his elbows resting on his thighs and his hands cutching his bowed head from both sides; revisiting his past had left him drained and shattered once again. All these years, he had kept his past locked in a corner of his heart. He never wanted to unlock it and visit that space, even though he had never forgotten anything that has happened in the past. But today, his fight with Zoya Farouqi had led to his fight with his Ammi and he had hurled those bitter words at his Ammi, something which he had never wanted to do. And then he had seen Zoya's teary eyes and the hurt in them and something had snapped inside him. He knew he had hurt his Ammi today and he also felt that he had perhaps hurt a girl who was may be innocent like his Ammi says. And he knew everything happened because of his past and today he was forced to visit his past and analyze himself, but he did not really want to do it and he sighed in frustration and closed his eyes.
He did not want to think and remember, but like the scenes of a movie unfolding, he kept on remembering the rest of the events that happened in those terrible few days.
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He had come home around 9 that night and saw his Ammi sitting at the kitchen table staring at nothing. He saw her red puffy eyes and knew that she had been crying. He wanted to go and comfort her but he could not bring himself to do it, as he was afraid that he himself would completely break down and cry in front of her if he went and talked to her and he did not want to do it. So he just asked his Ammi if Tanveer had gone and when she nodded he went to his room and closed his door so that even if he broke down his Ammi would not see it. But strangely he did not even cry when he was alone... all he felt was a kind of numbness and he was tired, so tired that he fell down on his bed without even changing his clothes and he did not know when his eyes closed and he went into deep sleep after almost a week of sleepless nights.
And though he had slept through the whole night, when he got up in the morning he was still feeling tired and drained but he forced himself to get up, and get ready for the office. When he came out his Ammi was in the kitchen and she looked at him carefully. He saw her look and knew that she was trying to judge if he was all right but he avoided meeting her eyes and sat down for breakfast. He did not feel like eating but he knew that if he did not, his Ammi would be worried and would say something so he ate forcefully. And in the evening when he returned from his office, he again forced himself to eat dinner.
Two more days passed this way and it was on the third evening when he came home and entered his room, he felt some change and then realized that Sunaina's things were not there in his room; even her cot was missing. He panicked wondering where she was and whether Tanveer had taken her and he ran to his mother's room to see Sunaina's cot there and Sunaina sleeping peacefully in it. He sighed in relief and went and took Sunaina in his arms and kissed her cheeks. It was then that he realized that in the past few days, he had even forgotten to see how his daughter was, let alone hold her in his arms. And he held her in his arms tightly and wondered how he could be so insensitive; even if he had gone through the biggest shock of his life he should not have neglected Sunaina. He hugged sunaina tightly and vowed to never let her go and love her always; he did not have any inkling that two days later, he would get another shock that would destroy even the tiniest bit of faith left in him.
Tanveer had come to his office two days later and pleaded with him to take her back and forgive her. But Asad stood his ground and refused, and when Tanveer realized that Asad would not accept her back, she then started threatening him saying that she would go to the court and take away Sunaina if Asad didn't take her back. Seeing Tanveer using their daughter as a means of getting what she wanted, Asad's anger and disgust knew no bounds and he felt like hiting Tanveer once again but he controlled himself and told her to never even think of doing that because if she did it he would expose her and let the whole world know what kind of a woman she was.
Finally Tanveer realized that there was no way she could win over Asad again and she understood that she had no chance with Asad anymore. She knew that she had gambled and lost the biggest lottery she won in her life, but she did not want to drown herself without dragging Asad under as well and so before she left, to hurt Asad further she told him something that left Asad numb with shock once again.
"Alright Asad!.. you keep Sunaina and look after her as your daughter... actually I don't even want her.. and since you feel that you have discovered all my truth and secrets, I will tell you one more secret which you don't know yet... shall I Asad?" Tanveer taunted him and Asad looked at her with confusion and fear on his face thinking what else she might have done that would affect him so badly.
"And that secret is I don't even know if Sunaina is your daughter or not... now live with this for the rest of your life and enjoy your life with your daughter'." Tanveer stressed the word daughter and smiled sarcastically and Asad felt as if someone had just squeezed the life out of him.
When Asad returned home that night, he was looking like a walking corpse, and lifelessly he walked to his Ammi's room where Sunaina was. He saw her sleeping peacefully in her cot and he stood staring at her sweet angelic face, still not able to digest the fact that this little girl on whom he had showered so much love, and to whom he had become so attached may not even be his own daughter. He remembered the day she was born and how happy he had been since then. And he remembered the times he had spent with her; playing with her, trying to feed her even though he did not really knew how to even do it. And he remembered the countless nights he woke up hearing her cry and then sat holding her, marveling at the gift that God had given him, unable to go back to sleep because day time he was usually busy at office and night was the time he get to spend with her, and he did not want to loose those precious moments with her by going off to sleep.
And now, Tanveer had said that, this precious little girl may not be his daughter, his own flesh and blood. He wondered how life can be so cruel. He had not done anyone any harm in his life so why was his life being tested this way and why was destiny bringing one jolt after another to his life? Why Allah why? He cried from his heart and questioned his Allah.
The tears which he had managed to keep at bay finally started seeping from the corners of his eyes and streamed down his face, but he did not even bother to wipe it off. He just stood staring at Naina thinking of everything that has happened and the silent tears then gave way to uncontrollable sobs. At the same time, he felt his whole body trembling and he felt dizzy; the emotional turmoil of the week had finally caught with him. When he felt as if he was about to faint, he held on to the side railing of Naina's cot and gently lowered his body down to the floor. He reached out his hand to Naina through the bars of the railing and went on sobbing, clutching her small hand. But luckily Naina did not wake up and even if she did she was too small to understand the anguish of the man sitting besides her cot and crying for what he lost and what he would never have.
And it was like this that Dilshad found him when she entered her room after sometime. She ran to him and gathered him to her arms and he held on to her and cried even more, but Dilshad did not know any words by which to sooth her broken son and take away his hurt so she just held him and caressed his back and hair till his sobs subsided and he finally closed his eyes and fell asleep lying on her lap curled like a ball, clutching her waist tightly. Her legs started getting numb because of sitting in a strange position for more than two hours but still she sat the same way afraid to disturb his sleep and wake him, staring at his tear stained face wondering what the future held for him and for them. And sometime in the midnight, Asad finally stirred and woke up and Dilshad helped him up and took him to his room and tucked him in just like she did when he was a child and she sat beside him, caressing his hair till he fell asleep once again.
And Asad never told his Ammi anything regarding Sunaina's truth, because he knew how much his Ammi loved Sunaina. And he knew that his Ammi would completely break down if she learnt the reality of Sunaina so he vowed himself not to reveal it to his Ammi and he had kept that bitter truth to himself all these years and had continued to suffer silently.
And with the harsh truth of Sunaina, the last string of faith that Asad had in relationships also broke. He got detached even from that sweet bundle of joy. He provided for her and looked after her needs and he continued to treat her as a part of his family but he could no longer form any real attachment to her and he could no longer accept her as his own, even though he still acted as her father and acted in her best interest whenever the need arose.
And today he was a man hardened from the lessons life thought him. He was by nature not a rude or arrogant man, but circumstances of life has left him as a man devoid of emotions of love, care, understanding and sensitivity; and to the outside world he appears as someone harsh, judgmental and insensitive but what the outside world did not see was that his heart had been broken twice, his trust had been stamped upon, leaving him just as a shell of a man whose heart still beats because he had to still survive in this world in order to take care of his Ammi, his Najma and even Sunaina.
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Asad got up from his bed and went to a corner of his room where his punching bag hung from the ceiling. He saw his gloves lying on top of the side shelf near by, but he did not bother to put them on and he started punching the bag with his bare hands. After a while, he felt his knuckles burn and he knew that his hand had got bruised. With each punch on the bag, he winced in pain but still kept at it. It was as if with the physical pain he forcefully gave himself, he was trying to finally wipe out the emotional pain that he had kept buried in his heart all these days.
After her talk with Dilshad, Zoya came down to go home, and as she was crossing the living room, out of the corners of her eyes she saw the door of Asad's room which was partially open.
She then stopped and turned towards Asad's room and stood looking at his door and she remembered everything Dilshad had told her about Asad and without realizing what she was doing, she slowly started walking towards his room. When she reached the door she could hear some sound from inside and she wondered what the sound was. She could not initially see much of the room, and she gently opened the door a little more and peeped in. She knew that Asad would not like it at all and would probably blast her again if he found her trying to peep inside his room, but she could not help in seeing. Something unknown to her had pulled her like a magnet towards his room.
The room was lit only by a single light, and in the dim light she could initially see only Asad's silhouette, punching away at the bag, and she understood what the noise she heard was. But once her eyes got adjusted to the light, she could clearly make out the details, including how his short sleeved T-shirt stuck to his body due to perspiration and how the muscles of his arm twitched and moved when he punched on the bag mercilessly as if the bag was something he was going to kill. Her gaze then moved to his face and she saw that his high cheekbones and forehead was also covered with beads of perspiration, but right that moment she realized that there was something else on his face and that they were tears running down from the corners of his eyes and getting mixed with the sweat, but it appeared as if he was not aware of either the sweat or the tears that were streaming down his face. Zoya could also see him wince and squeeze his eyes shut every time he punched the bag.
Zoya gasped and took a sharp breath seeing the condition he was in and she understood that, like Dilshad, Asad must have revisited his past tonight. And at that moment all Zoya wanted to do was walk up to him silently and wipe away those tears and tell him that life can be beautiful, but she knew that he would not welcome the intrusion, and suddenly she was surprised and shocked as to why such a thought and feelings had even entered her head when Asad wasn't even cordial with her. So instead she turned around and ran towards the main door before she could do something which might again flare Asad's anger.
When Zoya reached home, she quickly changed her clothes and got into bed thinking of sleeping, but even after an hour of tossing and turning she could not sleep and she finally gave up. She turned towards the windows and stared at the night sky, which was full of bright twinkling stars and a full moon. The night outside looked so calm and beautiful but inside her little bedroom, Zoya was disturbed and her mind was not at peace. Whenever she closed her eyes, all she could see was the image of a broken man punching on a bag with his bare hands and the words of a lady who had been equally hurt, both of them suffering in silence all these years.
Zoya could very well relate to the pain of them because her own life story had been curved with such betrayal, and conflicts. But she had always remained positive and she had tried to find beauty and happiness in each little moment of life, but having come to know the story of Asad and Dilshad tonight, she was wondering whether she was living a life of illusion and whether happiness and peace can really be something that one can achieve in life or not.
She had not know Asad for long, and she had not liked him and his attitude in these few months since she had met him, but tonight she could very well understand him and her heart ached for him and for the pain he had gone through. And finally, she closed her eyes and prayed for Asad and Dilshad to find the courage to let go of their hurt and bitterness and to find peace in life and she drifted off to sleep still thinking of them.
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