Aarti's Diary Entries - Updated pg 7 - Page 3

Originally posted by: luv_lvndr

Nice...please update soon...

Originally posted by: milodog

yay! I have more to read now!!

thank you thank you thank you!😃😃

awesome work dear! 🤗

going to go read yash's diary now!

Originally posted by: AngelDark

@Meena: Please pm me when you update your Arti Dairies and Yash Diaries. My head is spinning trying to find all these good threads that I must read!😕

Dear Diary – I have not written my thoughts in a long while and neither can I do so today. Surely I can talk to you my friend – after all I am all dissecting my thoughts to get a perspective on life!

Phew what a day! The day that was to be the most memorable in my life – the day Yashji finally whispers ILU to me is marred by P (my shameful past) coming to lay claim on me and wanting to take Ansh away from his papa-n-sisters. To top it all I feel this enormous burden of guilt for subjecting Yashji and our kids to the punishment that is truly solely mine to bear!

I had always wondered what it would be like when I reveal to the Scindhiya parivaar that I am a divorcee and that P is my X. But I had never for a moment considered that the revelation would be done by P's Kaki offering me shagun ka thali to return to P as his wife as if my marriage to Yashji was a fraud or some kind of a lie. At that time I had wished the earth would open and swallow me up – for how could I so demean dear Yashji and his parents! I was emotionally shattered. I wanted to cry but tears refused to come to my eyes – and my throat was dry. I lapsed into a zombie-like state of shock at the presumptuous contempt with which Kaki-n-P viewed me and the Scindhiyas. I could only shamefully admit that I was a divorcee and that I had lied in order to honor my promise to Shobha Ma and Dupeyji. My recollection of the conversation that followed is scratchy to nil except for the two flashes that are buried deep in my soul: one, of Yashji pleading with Bauji (SP) for forgiveness and understanding for my mistakes and willing to take on my punishment; and two, of Yashji firmly affirming that Ansh is his son and no one would separate him from Ansh.

Ahh! Dear diary I must have done some punya (good deeds) in some lifetime to have been blessed with Yashji as my soulmate. Oh – how I have wronged in not understanding his kindly nature and his love for me and Ansh! All my life I have yearned for someone – just one person to truly love me for what I am with pure loving love. And I never recognized that I was living with that God sent one person these past months. I hid P true identiy and the BMT procedure details from him for fear he would reject me – and in spite of my wrongs towards him he embraces me in the warmth of his love in front of the entire family, P and Kaki. Never, never will I ever more hide anything from Yashji or make him and our children suffer for my wrongdoings! Divine Mother do forgive me – you understand my innermost thoughts – you know this was unintentional and I am truly sorry I let Shobha Ma's arguments win over my better instincts!!

I was very upset with P and Kaki's claim over Ansh today and need to let off steam! I am disgusted that P claims to be Ansh's father now when Ansh finally has one and does so in a manner that does not take Ansh's feelings and needs seriously! As far as I can tell P packed up his bags and left Ansh for Nida when he was conceived or should I say even before conception! He wanted nothing to do with me or with Ansh and for that matter Shobha Ma and Dupeyji either! Sadly P can never be the hero that Yash is – for P is not a man at all! He is a coward who does not care for those whom it is his duty to provide and protect. He is self-centered, a deserter and a quitter who uses people to serve his purposes! He never fully realized what he left behind – but now that he sees Ansh basking in Yashji's love he covets him to tide him over his loneliness. He does not know of those letters that Ansh loving wrote to him with his tiny little hands, all those warm snuggles that could have been his and the races he could have won for Ansh! But now that Yashji has filled the hole in Ansh's life and given the child the childhood he deserves – he wants to pluck Ansh from his cocoon of happiness to lite his life of loneliness. He does not know that he created a hole and now he wants to rip apart the healed wound. A little bit of common sense – or an ounce of fatherly duty would have told him that he would confuse and hurt Ansh by laying claim to him in this manner! Why cannot P realize, understand, or comprehend what Ansh may be going through – to be claimed by a man whom he has never set eyes on before – and when he did, thought of him to be a "friend uncle'! Maybe it's wrong of me, but I have no room in my heart for a father like P. I have no compassion for him – how could he inflict so much pain on my baby like this!

Thank God that Ansh's hero, the papa he loves and trusts more than any other person in the world stood by him and affirmed that he was Ansh Yash Scindhiya. His beta whom he would not let go and protect from all!

Today Yashji not only stood by Ansh but by me - Ansh's mother too. He made me forget my mistakes, my sorrow and my regrets by enveloping me in his loving gaze and saying the 3 words that filled my world with delight! For the first time that evening I felt completely relaxed, once again, I was in harmony with myself! I was completely absorbed in the radiant warmth of his love, almost in a trance. The spell continued through the packing and moving to the upstairs living quarters. There was a language in his eyes that relieved all my tensions and filled me with relief and elation. I felt renewed and refreshed and our mutual joy filled the children with laughter. I see this ray of love and joy enveloping Yashji, our children, me and every noon and cranny of this room in which we are housed!

Ahh what bliss dear diary –…………………… I want to hold on to this moment forever…………………….