Aarti's Diary Entries - Updated pg 7

Hi ALL

I am Aarti – today November 26, 2012 while my Yashji was asleep I sat up - awake thinking about the past!

Prashant my ex – dumped me when I was 4 months pregnant with our first child – our Ansh! It was VERY painful, scary, stressful, frustrating, and above all humiliating! He left me and our Ansh for another woman with whom he declared he had been having an affair for the last 8 months! I should have rejoiced at his going for he was verbally and physically abusive towards me – and oh so very selfish! But – I was expecting his baby and needed his support – instead what did I get - rejection! I needed him not for me but for Ansh – so I pleaded with him. When I pleaded with him to stay, he replied: "I do not love you. There is nothing in our marriage worth saving. I am going to live with the woman that I love - Nida". That sentence is embedded in my heart and my head. I kept calm for the same of the baby, but I was ill with high blood pressure and constantly felt drained and dizzy. I gave birth to Ansh on my own as my in-laws were ill and temporarily bed-ridden!

When I informed Prashant of Ansh's birth, he derisively laughed and said Ansh was not his child. He never came by to visit him – not once in 6 years. I remember once when at Ansh's insistence – I pleaded with Prashant that he come-n-wish Ansh on his birthday - he laughed derisively and called Ansh a bas****.

I held on to the image of P not out of love for him but for the sake of my baby - Ansh. I feel so ashamed now. I wish I would have let Prashant be and never held on to his image or pleaded with him, because then he would have realized that he wasn't much to fight for. He would have known I was happy to do away with him and pass the burden onto someone else. For my love for him had died the day he left me or perhaps earlier when he abused me.

Now I know what true love is – for it is that warm feeling that engulfs me whenever I look at my Yashji. His voice – soothes me and his presence protects me.

If only I had let Prashant go without the pleading ………………..he would today not have cheapened me and my Yashji……………………………………………

Aarti's entry in her diary November 28, 2012.

Who am I? Am I the same person who believed in honestly speaking my mind? Am I the person who could never hide a lie?

I am losing myself……every day on a daily basis I keep lying to myself and Yashji. And today – getting Ansh from his picnic spot and then the car trip with P – I could not utter another lie to Yashji - it's almost killing me softly. The words I say get twisted, the acts I do are tainted – everything that comes out of my mouth these days are just so wrong. I try to immerse myself with the kids – their cooking, homework, ironing – but instead they remind me of keeping Yashji in the dark about Ansh's BMT. They remind me of the pain my baby, Ansh is undergoing. Oh my brave little boy!! I am so weary. Shobha Maa and Bauji are making me tell lies and feel crazy – so it takes it off of them! I cannot deal with this – I am living like a zombie doing what needs to be done to keep P alive. I cannot face Yashji anymore – not with this lie about P and the BMT – gnawing at my soul. Ohh I am sooo…….. exhausted mentally and physically!

Why am I listening to Shobha Maa and hurting myself so? Good Lord, how can I even ask myself this question – where would Ansh and I have been without Shobha Maa. Ohh those terrible, awful days after P left me – when I was dead within – was it not Shobha Maa who fed me? When I was lost and weary – was it not she who softly advised me to pull myself together for Ansh? When I would have wandered the streets penniless – did not she and Bauji take me under their shelter? And as Ansh was growing up – did not Bauji give me a job in his home run business? No, no – I cannot be ungrateful. They saved my life and gave Ansh a home to be born in………I owe this to them, Ansh owes this to them. The life of their son P – the man who called Ansh what? Oh he ashamed me today talking about Yashji – does he not get it? I do not love him anymore – the center of my life and that of Ansh is Yashji. Why did Bauji not come with me to drop Ansh and spare me from P's company? How dare he talk to me as if he were picking up where we left off? How dare he talk about Yashji's affections towards me? Does he not get it – I want him OUT. I want to tell the truth about everything to Yashji. I would never have begun my married life with Yashji under the canopy of a lie – if it were not for Bauji and Shobha Maa. I fear telling the truth to Yashji now ……..because ……..what if Yashji stops the BMT? What if he hurts himself again – by going to the boxing ring – because I refuse to promise to be truthful? Perhaps I can handle his boxing……..yes, in fact I can…….but the BMT. Oh no that is essential – just one more time oh God please let me mange it!

I have found that every time Shobha Maa coerces me to do something that my conscience tells me is wrong I must give it over to Lord Krishna. Every act, thought and word concerning P – I hand over to Lord Krishna – He is omnipresent and omniscient - truly He knows my soul and understands me. Oh Lord Krishna give me the detachment that keeps my spirit and emotions free, untouched by evil and unruffled by P and the Dupeys.

Aarti's diary entry Nov 29, 2012

Lord Krishna's guiding hand is at times felt gently, other times more forcefully and sometimes mightily – this is what dear Swamiji instilled in me way back in the ashram orphanage. Today my dear diary all the darkness was dispelled from my eyes and I clearly realized God's guiding force in my life. I now know that a greater force is somehow shaping and leading events in my life!

I remember when at Pir Baba's Durgah a male hand brushed mine through the walled veil and left me mesmerized. I felt that a guiding force was telling me that I had just touched the man who was to be my soul mate. Shortly after that I met and married my husband – Yashji. But I did not know then that I had married my soul mate! A gem of a man – who would be the perfect father for Ansh and my true love! . You know all that happened since then and that I am madly in love with Yashji and have accepted that his love belongs only to Arpita. But wonder of wonders – do you know what happened today?

Today when I awoke – I was not aware whether I was awake or still asleep. My….I mean our bedroom was decorated………………..where once stood Arpita's portraits with Yashji now stood mine. Those solo pictures of Arpita were replaced by mine and the kids. The miracle of all miracles was that he even had hung up a picture of mine taken on Palak's birthday – when I had dressed up a la Arpita. There was also my favorite – wearing the first gift he ever gave me – the glass bangles he slipped through my hands in Mumbai. I am bursting with joy……..do you think this means that Yashji loves me too? I am in engulfed with that euphoric feeling of mutual love.

Is this his way of showing me that I now occupy the same special place as Arpita in his heart? Is this the surprise he planned for me yesterday ……..Ohh! What a fool have been – a night wasted without a word of thank you……..Wait a minute! I have an idea ….tonight I will surprise him….with a candlelit dinner for two, right here in our room. I cannot wait to see his expressions and hear him say those magical words that I yearn to hear……………………

Ah! Sweet mystery of life
At last I've found thee
Ah! I know at last the secret of it all;
All the longing, seeking, striving, waiting, yearning

The burning hopes, the joy and idle tears that fall!
For 'tis love, and love alone, the world is seeking,
And 'tis love, and love alone, that can repay!
'Tis the answer, 'tis the end and all of living

For it is love alone that rules for aye!
Love, and love alone, the world is seeking,
For 'tis love, and love alone, that can repay!
'Tis the answer, 'tis the end and all of living
For it is love alone that rules for aye! -----------------------------------by Nelson Eddy

Originally posted by: PuvZ

awesome update ! waiting for more

Originally posted by: gmhatcher

Okay I'm hooked. 😃 and the strange thing is I usually have huge containment issues... but kinda like Yash at the beach house...I'ld read her diary 😆 😆 😆
Thank you Meena

Originally posted by: anonee

</div>


<div>

PuvZ, thank you dear friend!! 😊😆

Today's episode was a great one - was it not? Aarti - joy was boundless!!😳😃

Originally posted by: yamunah

nice yaar