Posted:
"Hello Salman sir.. It's indeed great honour to interview you for your new upcoming movie, 'Gandi Naali ka kida' . I am Sameer Mishra and also proud student of Scindia School."
Reporter Sameer introduced himself to a disorganised, disshevelled Salman, blatantly reminiscient of Tere Naam. "Hello Mr Kushal Mishra. Nice to meet you."
"Not Kushal Sir. I am Sameer."
"Oh sorry. Kushal and Sameer both sound so similar that I got mixed up. Where are you from ?"
"Alwar from Rajasthan sir"
"How far is it from Lucknow ?"
"Sir ???"
"Never mind.. Koshail mentioned that he met you in Chennai conference."
"Koshail ? Who sir ?"
"My brother..." Salman little impatient..
"You mean .Sohail Sir ?
"Oh yes.. Slip of the tongue. So you are from my favorite Scindia school ? Which batch ?"
"Sir, I am from 2000 batch sir. We are all so proud fan of yours sir."
"Year 2000 ? ... That's Kushal's batch. So you know Kushal well ?"
"Ofcourse Sir. He was my roommate. I still keep in touch.
"Really.. Then, you know all about him.. Why dont you wait for a dinner ? If need be, you can sleep overnight here or spend weekend. We have too much to discuss."
"About Kushal Sir ? You know him ? He works in a bank as a cashier, has 1 son, getting premarturely bald. I can call him just now. He will be thrilled."
"Kushal Tandon works in a bank ?"
"Kushal Tandon.. Who is he ?"
"Who the hell is he ? Precisely my point." Salman little brightened up.
"I am getting very confused, Sir. I was talking about Kushal Sinha. By the way, I dont mind little early dinner. I am a vegetarian."
"Kushal Sinha ? Hmmm. Oh,I just remembered that I had my dinner a minute before you came. I am so full.. Burppp.. so may be next time."
"Its 5pm sir."
"I know. Isnt it strange time for a dinner ? Lets get on with interview, shall we ?"
"Yes sir. What is the release date of the movie ?"
"Its precisely 22 days after that bitchy, shitty Kushal's yet again eviction from BB7."
"Who is Kushal and when was he evicted Sir?"
"Not only evicted.. He was disgraced, thrown out with the most powerful,painful and humiliating kick up his arse, precisely at .01:20:17 am on 19th December which incidentally happens to be my most favorite day, since this year. I have great plans to celebrate this day in London next year."
"Can we stick to movie discussion sir. I am new and really dont know anything about Kushal."
"Yes. But you are from Scindia School and also a reporter. Can you not find few minor details about Kushal ?"
"Such as ??"
"Such as.. friends who used to make fun of him.. Was he snotty? Did he shoot straight in potty ? Did he flush in college days ? How many of his weekly night dreams forced a change of undy ?Was he in habit of washing them? Did he have lice in his hair and beard ? Did he brush teeth? How often he changed toothbrush ? Any closeups of his nose with hair sticking out or unshaved armpits ? Did he copy in exam ? Any breakups/insults.. Beaten up by any girl ? Embarassing moments in school drama, sports.. Simple details.."
"I can try. But why ?"
"We have a new foundation called 'Being Kushal'. I already have collected few artifacts such as BB7's toilet bowl with Kushal's potty, his half eaten onion, heaven's bowl of water. I had asked Andy of BB7 to stay here to preserve impression of Kushal's hand on his neck but Andy misinterpreted me. He hugged me and asked for a long term commitment so had to give up the idea. I need all more info on Kammo."
"But Why ?"
"I just told you. You are very annoying."
"Sorry sir, but it appears that you are obsessed with this Kushal."
"HOLD YOUR TONGUE. The obsessed person will keep track that Kushal is currently in toilet for last 9 minutes in Marriott hotel,Bangalore, room no 157 with Do Not Disturb sign on his door and reading 5th page of Indian Express. I am too important to spend time on this worthless junkie.Why dont you get on with interview ?"
"Yes Sir. Please tell us a bit about film 'Gandi Naali ka Kida'"
"I am introducing a new dog called Kushal."
"Oh that's great. Its like Teri Meherbanian.. It was a huge success sir."
"Oh no. Its a wimpy, ugly, disgusting, flea-infested, sorry excuse for a dog. If the dog's name is Kushal.. he cant be cute puppy. Use some common-sense."
"I dont understand Sir. why ?"
"A puke angle works best. The owner of this dog is a shitty villain with Gabbar teeth also called Kushal, again. A unique double role you can say as man and a dog.. I beat him to pulp in opening scene because he throws doggy Kushal's poop on my sister Manisha who is in love with a lecherous mawaali and my closest buddy.
"How far is it from Lucknow ?"
"Sir ???"
"Never mind.. Koshail mentioned that he met you in Chennai conference."
"Koshail ? Who sir ?"
"My brother..." Salman little impatient..
"You mean .Sohail Sir ?
"Oh yes.. Slip of the tongue. So you are from my favorite Scindia school ? Which batch ?"
"Sir, I am from 2000 batch sir. We are all so proud fan of yours sir."
"Year 2000 ? ... That's Kushal's batch. So you know Kushal well ?"
"Ofcourse Sir. He was my roommate. I still keep in touch.
"Really.. Then, you know all about him.. Why dont you wait for a dinner ? If need be, you can sleep overnight here or spend weekend. We have too much to discuss."
"About Kushal Sir ? You know him ? He works in a bank as a cashier, has 1 son, getting premarturely bald. I can call him just now. He will be thrilled."
"Kushal Tandon works in a bank ?"
"Kushal Tandon.. Who is he ?"
"Who the hell is he ? Precisely my point." Salman little brightened up.
"I am getting very confused, Sir. I was talking about Kushal Sinha. By the way, I dont mind little early dinner. I am a vegetarian."
"Kushal Sinha ? Hmmm. Oh,I just remembered that I had my dinner a minute before you came. I am so full.. Burppp.. so may be next time."
"Its 5pm sir."
"I know. Isnt it strange time for a dinner ? Lets get on with interview, shall we ?"
"Yes sir. What is the release date of the movie ?"
"Its precisely 22 days after that bitchy, shitty Kushal's yet again eviction from BB7."
"Who is Kushal and when was he evicted Sir?"
"Not only evicted.. He was disgraced, thrown out with the most powerful,painful and humiliating kick up his arse, precisely at .01:20:17 am on 19th December which incidentally happens to be my most favorite day, since this year. I have great plans to celebrate this day in London next year."
"Can we stick to movie discussion sir. I am new and really dont know anything about Kushal."
"Yes. But you are from Scindia School and also a reporter. Can you not find few minor details about Kushal ?"
"Such as ??"
"Such as.. friends who used to make fun of him.. Was he snotty? Did he shoot straight in potty ? Did he flush in college days ? How many of his weekly night dreams forced a change of undy ?Was he in habit of washing them? Did he have lice in his hair and beard ? Did he brush teeth? How often he changed toothbrush ? Any closeups of his nose with hair sticking out or unshaved armpits ? Did he copy in exam ? Any breakups/insults.. Beaten up by any girl ? Embarassing moments in school drama, sports.. Simple details.."
"I can try. But why ?"
"We have a new foundation called 'Being Kushal'. I already have collected few artifacts such as BB7's toilet bowl with Kushal's potty, his half eaten onion, heaven's bowl of water. I had asked Andy of BB7 to stay here to preserve impression of Kushal's hand on his neck but Andy misinterpreted me. He hugged me and asked for a long term commitment so had to give up the idea. I need all more info on Kammo."
"But Why ?"
"I just told you. You are very annoying."
"Sorry sir, but it appears that you are obsessed with this Kushal."
"HOLD YOUR TONGUE. The obsessed person will keep track that Kushal is currently in toilet for last 9 minutes in Marriott hotel,Bangalore, room no 157 with Do Not Disturb sign on his door and reading 5th page of Indian Express. I am too important to spend time on this worthless junkie.Why dont you get on with interview ?"
"Yes Sir. Please tell us a bit about film 'Gandi Naali ka Kida'"
"I am introducing a new dog called Kushal."
"Oh that's great. Its like Teri Meherbanian.. It was a huge success sir."
"Oh no. Its a wimpy, ugly, disgusting, flea-infested, sorry excuse for a dog. If the dog's name is Kushal.. he cant be cute puppy. Use some common-sense."
"I dont understand Sir. why ?"
"A puke angle works best. The owner of this dog is a shitty villain with Gabbar teeth also called Kushal, again. A unique double role you can say as man and a dog.. I beat him to pulp in opening scene because he throws doggy Kushal's poop on my sister Manisha who is in love with a lecherous mawaali and my closest buddy.
I knock Kushal down and he flees to Lucknow by interval. He dares to show up again after interval unexpectedly, against my wishes. Hence after interval, I start beating him again and till end. He is still kept alive so I can come up with a sequel to beat him up further."
"SO in nutshell.. You just keep beating Kushal, all throughout the movie and that's the story ?"
"Well. That's about it. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Kushal kept begging while I continued to kick."
"Sorry to be honest sir. But who will pay and watch this movie ?"
"Precisely, my point. I want to show to the world who would like to want to watch the movie with Kushal in it. Anyway..I have to meet few delegates from Lucknow. It was again nice meeting you Mr Kushal."
"Errr.. I am... Yes Sir. Kushal takes your leave now. Thank you for your time."
"SO in nutshell.. You just keep beating Kushal, all throughout the movie and that's the story ?"
"Well. That's about it. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Kushal kept begging while I continued to kick."
"Sorry to be honest sir. But who will pay and watch this movie ?"
"Precisely, my point. I want to show to the world who would like to want to watch the movie with Kushal in it. Anyway..I have to meet few delegates from Lucknow. It was again nice meeting you Mr Kushal."
"Errr.. I am... Yes Sir. Kushal takes your leave now. Thank you for your time."
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