Part 27 - The Thing About Forgiveness
Her voice was small and pained when she spoke. "It's the only lie I've ever told them. It first came up when they were a little over two years of age. Seeing Angad with Sur and Prateek all the time had made them question why we had no one at home that they called dad'. I told them that their dad had gone to a different country because he had a lot of work there. That was the first time I ever lied to them. It wasn't completely a lie though...I mean, you were in a different country.
Then they asked me again...a couple weeks before you showed up here, actually. They asked me when their dad would visit them and I told them that he'll come visit them on their twelfth birthday. That was the second time I lied to them about it. I could be wrong but it seemed like Amber hadn't completely believed me...She'd looked at me sort of...accusingly...as if she was judging me..."
Khushi sniffed and wiped a tear. Arnav had looked away to hide the tears in his own eyes. He was somewhat relieved to know that she hadn't told them that he'd died or what he'd done. But he knew that the guilt of lying to her kids would stay with her all her life and that was solely his fault. The kids would eventually learn the truth as they got older. Of course he had run into her coincidentally but chances were high that he would have been absent for their 12th birthday.
"Why twelve years?" Arnav's voice was barely audible even in the silence.
"I figured twelve would be a good age to tell them that their parents were separated...they'd be old enough to understand...to cope...I know they'll be angry with me even then, especially since I'd gotten their hopes up about meeting their father..." Khushi paused to sniff again. "Maybe that's why Kripa has been trying for last 6 months to set me up with someone...so that the void of a father figure could get filled..." Khushi chuckled sarcastically. She looked at his hands, now curled into fists to the point where his knuckles had turned white. He was biting down on his lower lip and blinking rapidly.
"You should have listened to Kripa..." Arnav's voice cracked even thought he tried to keep it together. When she didn't say anything, he turned to look at her and found her glaring at him. Accusations, hurt, and anger in her eyes.
"No." Her voice was strong and collected. "I shouldn't have listened to her and I didn't because despite everything that's happened between us, despite the distances, despite the fact that I haven't seen your face in the last five years, I'm still a married woman. I am still someone's wife."
"Yes...someone who's given you nothing but pain, Khushi." His voice was dripping with guilt and self-loathing. "Someone who made you leave a family that you love, someone who left you no choice but to lie to your kids. You should have given yourself a shot at happiness...you deserve every bit of it." Arnav looked away, not realizing how much pain the words he was saying was causing him and her.
"Arnav!" She snapped, making him turn to face her. "Did you give it a shot with another woman? No. You turned Lavanya away when she confessed her feelings to you." She paused as she saw shock flicker across his face. Before he could say anything, she went on, her voice a lot calmer than before. "I overheard your conversation. But that's beside the point! The point is that I couldn't have cheated on my husband with another man. The point is that I am still Mrs. Khushi Singh Raizada. The point is that I am finally giving myself a shot at happiness...that's why I'm here."
He looked into her eyes and he realized that he had hurt her with his comments.
"Khushi...I'm sorry." Arnav sighed audibly, knowing that a sorry' wasn't going to cut it. "It's just that time and again I realize even more how much I've put you through and I just wish I could go back in time and change my decision of going in to work that day...all of this could have been avoided if I'd just listened to you and stayed home. I wish I could change that..." Arnav whispered.
"But you can't Arnav. You can't undo any of that. Just like I can't undo any of it. But we're trying to mend this, aren't we? We're trying to see if we can have a future despite what our past has been. You knew it would be difficult..." She looked at him and he just nodded. Everything fell silent then.
This was not how she'd expected to end their first date. She sighed internally knowing that this is how the first few dates would end as they caught up on the last 5 years. There was too much separation, hurt, pain, and guilt that they had to visit together before they could effectively lock up the past and open the treasure box of the future. She decided to change the atmosphere.
"I feel like going for a walk on the beach..." She said sweetly.
Arnav looked at her and frowned. How had she gone from the serious conversation to this request?
Just go to the beach, you moron. It means more time with her. That's what you want isn't it? You've already put this date down the drain with these stupid questions and comments of yours! Is this how you end a first date? Go. To. The. Beach.
The little voice inside Arnav's head encouraged him to start driving. They drove, in silence, through the semi-busy streets until they reached an isolated beach area. Arnav stalled the car but didn't move a muscle.
"So...Are you going to continue being a gentleman and get the door or should I get out myself?" She asked in a teasing tone.
He just murmured an apology and stepped out, slamming the door shut behind him. Khushi sighed. He walked around the car and opened her door. They walked side by side in silence until Khushi decided to have a talk with him. She turned to face him and found him staring at the floor. She grabbed his elbow and turned him to face her.
"Arnav..." She spoke in a pleading tone and he finally looked up at her. She smiled encouragingly. "You knew this would be difficult...we both did, right?" She paused, waiting for a reaction. When he nodded in agreement, she went on. "And you know that you won half the battle when you convinced me to give us another chance. I'm guessing the hardest part of any of this would have been to get me to agree...and now I have. So the worst is over, right?"
Arnav's eyes bore into hers and he knew she wasn't done speaking yet. She knew that he was listening to every word she was saying and she had to make sure that she chose the right words to say what was on her mind.
"The other day, I told you that I can't make any promises and I know you understand my reasons. But just like you understood me then, I need you to really understand what I'm about to say now." She saw him open his mouth to retort and she knew he would try to dismiss this topic. She didn't give him the chance and spoke quickly. "It's high time we stop avoiding this conversation. It needs to be done."
Khushi looked at him and waited for a response. When he nodded, she went on. "I agree that when you showed up the orphanage, I had no intentions of telling you about Aditya and Amber. I had no intention of letting you back into our lives. But now, as I stand here, I have a feeling that I won't regret this decision. When you spoke to me in your kitchen, my instincts were screaming at me to say yes then and there. But I knew I couldn't take rash decisions."
She took a step closer to him. "Do you know when my resolve first weakened, Arnav? When you saved Amber and hurt yourself in the process. That night, you were there to comfort me and reassure me that she was alright." Khushi paused and Arnav's mind pulled out that particular memory. I can almost forgive you for what you did to me. Almost. Arnav remembered that very clearly.
"When I see you with Amby and Adi, I feel guilty for having kept them away from their father for so long...I feel guilty for having kept you away from your kids! And if you hadn't shown up...I would have been guilty of that all my life! I would be being absolutely heartless and utterly idiotic if I even try to deny that I see the pain, the regret, the guilt in your eyes...in things that you do...things that you say. And I would be lying if I said that it doesn't bother me to see that. I can see it...you have changed. You've gone back to being ASR. But this ASR is vulnerable in front of me. He's agonized and guilty. All the time."
She paused to take a breath. After a long few seconds, she went on again. "Angad and Kripa went through something similar but look at them now...who would look at them and say that they went through something so heartbreaking? It wasn't easy but they managed...if they were able to pull their life together, I think we should be able to do so too. We're both guilty of one thing or another, we're both hurt, and clearly neither one of us is ready to move on in life with someone else. The only person who can help you get out of this ASR mode...this purgatory...is me. And the only person who can help me through this is you."
Arnav took a deep breath in and then exhaled as he absorbed her words. He still looked dejected and broken. He looked at the waves hitting the shore and braced himself. Her expression clearly told him that she was still not done.
"You can't give up after convincing me to give this a chance. Wasn't it you who said that you would do anything to make this opportunity count?"
"I did and I haven't given up, Khushi...I can't...I don't want to give up...and I won't until you tell me to leave...I just...sometimes I wonder if I'm even worth this chance that you've given me. The more I learn about what the past five years have been like for you, the more I feel like I don't deserve this." Arnav sighed; the burning sensation in his eyes warned him of the tears that were forming. "I deserve to be lonely and guilty."
If Khushi was hurt by his confession, she didn't show it. She didn't like seeing him broken this way. She's been there. She knows what it feels like and despite the fact that he's the one who put her through it; she couldn't let him put himself through it.
"I'm sure the last five years weren't a joy-ride for you either. And I don't know, yet, whether or not you deserve to have me back as your wife but I do know that this chance that I've given you, you deserve. Trust me, I would not have agreed to this if I had even an inkling of a doubt. I already told you what went through my mind before I made this decision...I just can't deal with you trying to change it now because suddenly you feel like you don't deserve it. Why don't you let me be the judge of what you do and don't deserve? Can you just accept the fact that I have given us this opportunity after a lot of thinking, without any kind of hesitation, and with an intention of giving this all that I can?" Khushi looked at his face as he started back at her with a tearful gaze.
He looked at her for a few long seconds before nodding in response.
"I'll be putting in more effort than I can gather but I just ask for one thing...please be patient with me. You know I'm not too good with verbalizing what's on my mind...I try to speak when I'm with you but sometimes the guards go up and suddenly I can't talk about it anymore...In these moments of weakness, please don't think I'm giving up...I wouldn't be lying if I said I really can't give up..." Arnav looked into her eyes, emphasizing his next sentence. "How can you give up on something when your life depends on it?" His voice was barely above a whisper and his eyes turned red because of the tears he held back. "And I don't expect you to forgive me...I can't forgive myself, either."
A huge wave of pity hit her as she realized that the man standing in front of her was more broken that she'd thought. He was vulnerable and the way he made it seem, totally at her mercy. Khushi was very aware of the fact that words and speaking of feelings was never a strength on Arnav Singh Raizada's resume. For him to stand here and say all this was a clear indication of how much he wanted her back. Of how much he was hurting- for he only poured out his feelings when really in pain. It also showed how genuine his words and actions were and Khushi made a mental note to keep this in mind every time she interacted him.
But what he was asking wasn't really an option. Not if they were to start over and try and have a proper future together. She thought about her words carefully before framing them into her sentences.
"But Arnav, what you're hoping for can't happen without forgiveness...Forgiveness doesnt make the mistake any smaller. Mistakes are forgivable if one has the courage to admit them. You've admitted it countless times. You've regretted it! Hell, you still do! And I read a quote somewhere...when you forgive, you in no way change the past, but you can sure change the future. Change the future is what we're trying to do, isnt it?"
"So you're forgiving me? Just like that?" Arnav accused. She couldn't forgive him just like that. He shouldn't be forgiven just like that. He wont let her.
"No. I can't. If you're seeking for forgiveness, you have to start with yourself. How can you expect someone to forgive you when you can't forgive yourself? But it's true, I just might forgive you the day you forgive yourself."
He frowned and she knew he didn't like her response. She exhaled and closed her eyes for a couple of seconds, gathering strength from the nature that surrounded them. Arnav bit down on his lip, trying to not utter the request that had formed in his heart. When she opened her eyes and looked at him, though, his control snapped.
"Khushi?" He paused, even though she was looking at him already. "Can...Can I get a hug?"
Khushi took a slow breath and exhaled dramatically. "I thought you'd never ask."
She closed the short distance between then and wrapped her arms around him. The conversation had emotionally drained her and she knew that just like the night when Arnav had saved Amber, she would find solace and comfort in his arms. It's funny how sometimes the one who hurts you the most is the only one who can comfort you, too. Life and its wonders.
Khushi felt his erratic heartbeat as she rested her head on his chest. She didn't miss the hesitation in him as he slowly wrapped his arms around her upper back. His grip was light and friendly. He knew that they weren't at a stage where they could be so intimate. The fact that he acknowledged this simple fact only made Khushi's confidence stronger. In this moment, she was absolutely sure that she won't regret this decision. She didn't realize he was crying until she felt his tears fall on her shoulder. A part of her wanted to let go of him and wipe those tears off of his face but she didn't move. From her personal experience, she knew that sometimes it was better to let the tears flow then try to hold them in.
He composed himself faster than Khushi thought he would. They pulled apart and Khushi hooked her arm through his like she had in the restaurant. They walked back to the car in silence, feeling lighter than they had in years!
- - - -
The next day, Arnav showed up at Kripa's house around noon, with Aman tailing him. Kripa had answered the door and had grilled him about how last night went. Arnav told her everything except for the beach conversation. He decided to keep that moment private between him and Khushi.
Angad and Kripa had congratulated him before leading him back into the living room where Sur, Prateek, Anjali-who held Ishan in her lap, and Aman-a recent addition were watching some home videos.
"Hi LG!" Anjali greeted Arnav, confusing him to an extent.
Aman snorted, trying to control his laughter, just like Angad and Kripa had looked away, trying to control theirs.
"What?" Arnav questioned Anjali.
"I said, Hello L-G" She grinned.
"What the heck is LG?" Arnav kept the profanity out of his sentence since there were children around.
"I thought you would know! It is your nickname, isn't it? Lad Governor? LG for short..." Anjali burst into giggled.
Aman chuckled but stopped when he saw Arnav glaring at him.
"What the-! Aman...you..." Arnav began his rant but Anjali interrupted him.
"It's not his fault! He didn't tell us anything." Anjali said picking up the DVD controller, and rewinding whatever they were watching. "Here. Watch this. We came across this last night when we were watching the home videos." Anjali patted the spot next to her, indicating him to take a seat.
It took Arnav only a second to recognize the face on the screen. It was Khushi. She looked annoyed. Arnav couldn't help but smile at her sullen expression.
"Get away, Angad!" Khushi tried to push him away.
Angad waved a chocolate bar in front of her. Khushi glared at him, crossed her arms and looked away. She looked angry!
The camera zoomed out then and Arnav saw that this video was shot during her pregnancy. His heart fluttered with excitement.
"She was so annoyed that day. She was craving for caramel Chocolate and Angad kept teasing her with the bar. She ended up throwing a vase at him." Kripa chuckled while Anjali giggled.
Arnav took a seat next to Anjali. The scene on the television switched to a different day.
"Khushi's babies seem to be playing soccer! So far, in the last two minutes, there have been 38 kicks!" Kripa narrated.
"Make that 39" Khushi corrected.
Arnav noticed that her belly looked bigger than in the last scene. After a bit more kick counting, the scene switched once again.
"And mama can't for you two to get here. We'll be the best of friends and I will love you more than anything and anyone in the world!" Khushi was talking to her belly alone in a room. She didn't seem to know that she was being filmed. She started humming what sounded like a lullaby and then eventually fell asleep.
Angad and Kripa quietly observed Arnav. Anjali was aw-ing at everything Khushi did while rocking her own baby in her lap, oblivious to Arnav's reactions.
"Just breathe Khushi. Breathe! You'll be fine." Kripa consoled a Khushi who had her face contorted due to the pain. Both her hands were clutching her belly and her face was as red as a tomato. They seemed to be walking towards the car.
"Smile for the camera Khushi!" Angad called out, earning a glare from both Kripa and Khushi.
"Sheetal! Take the damned camera from him." Khushi said through clenched teeth.
The scene shook a bit as the camera was transferred from Angad's able hands to Sheetal's'. Angad and Kripa helped Khushi out to the car. Angad helped the ladies in and got behind the driving wheel.
"Give me a call if Sur or Prateek give you trouble. Anjali will show up around six." Kripa said to Sheetal, taking the camera from her.
Khushi chanted Devi Maiyya' as Angad drove maniacally through the streets.
The scene on the screen changed again.
"Where the hell is the doctor!?" Khushi exclaimed, standing at the foot of the bed, bending forwards with the bed's support.
Kripa helped her around to the bed and Khushi paused in an awkward stance where she was neither sitting nor lying down.
Her breaths came out in puffs and her face turned the brightest shade of red.
"You should lie down. The contractions are getting closer."
Just as Khushi had managed to lie down, another contraction had taken her by surprise.
A nurse had come in after Kripa had pressed the assistance button. Angad was kicked out for a couple minutes and when he went back inside, Khushi was more irritated than ever.
"They told her she'll be another half an hour." Kripa explained to the camera.
"It's alright Khushi. You're doing great! Smile!" Angad focused on her.
Khushi's glare had everyone chuckling. Angad moved closer to her to get a close up of her face when another contraction came by.
"Aw, Khushi! You're as red as a tomato! Smile for the camera! You'll want to see yourself later!"
Khushi waited until the contraction had passed. Then, she turned to him like a tornado.
"Give me that goddamn thing!" Khushi yelped.
There was a whole bunch of scattering noise and then the wall rushed towards the camera fast!
The image was replaced by random scatter until the next scene came up.
"Awww...look at them! They're so cute!" Kripa cooed.
A very tired looking Khushi awkwardly held two newborn babies in her lap. The amount of love in her eyes as she looked at them was heart-warming.
"She looks just like you!" Angad exclaimed as the camera zoomed in on a newborn-Amber.
"And he looks just like..." Khushi started, looking at her son, and paused. The camera's focus switched to Aditya. Khushi sniffed as a tear fell onto her cheek. "Just like Lad Governor."
The scene changed again and once more Khushi was being filmed without being aware. She was still holding onto her infants and speaking to them.
"I'm so happy that you're here. I know when you grow up, you'll ask me about your dad and I don't know what I'll tell you then but for now, I'm your mama and your dad. I love you both so very much." And with that, Khushi kissed each child's cheek gently before wiping a tear from the corner of her eyes.
The recording ended and scatter was all that was visible on the screen. 
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