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it's your birthday today. a boy i've never met, a boy i will likely never know, someone years younger than me, who will most certainly never read the message i leave here.
yet, write i have to.
because you are part of my life really. in strange, interesting wonder filled ways. three odd years ago, you didn't exist for me. i was not the sort to watch television rapt. way past my frolicking, crush getting years; just hanging around, doing this thing we call life. the hum and drum of it, the finding and losing our way of it.
sorry, i am a rambler, best that you know, and getting a bit philo is my way. stuff without the inner thing gets tiring don't you think?
anyway, was by chance i saw you in shraddha. not a memorable tale, but something about the boy i thought. and after a few days, went to search for your name. found it. was intrigued by that barun, not varun.
but it was really in iss pyaar ko that i let you straight into my life. no idea why. and before thoughts veer to your terribly attractive looks, your heart stopping expressions, you eyes, your smile, your turn of head, your talk... yeah, undeniable all of them.
but it wasn't that.
to this day i have not been able to put my finger on it. but something about barun just reached out and touched me. and stayed on. if i were asked what is it about you i can't get over.
two things, most of all.
you talent as an actor.
your refusal to let anything change you... take barun as he is.
i have absolute respect for both. and both make me strangely tearful. in a world where everything is up for the highest bidder, where nothing seems to matter other than fitting in and chasing wealth, when a guy stands away, because that is who he is. i have respect... and yes, the quintessential dhak dhak.
from the beginning, it was straight talk, no extra sweet speak for fans, a fantastic leveling with all. i'll never forget you struggling over fan names in a book gifted by some... five or six long names of many syllables, you said at the end that got you... with the most charming smile you said something about easier names. i thought, yikes, those are fans, then i saw your guileless face and knew they wouldn't mind. may that smile never change, may those eyes remain clear, unclouded by any sell. or buy. eyes that show a heart, a being, a man.
again and again you've said no to being on twitter, facebook, the ubiquitous social media, my smart knowing friends have assured me you wouldn't survive this world without being on at least one of them, read just now you've said no even to a regular video to fans. because you can't be true to it and stay enthusiastic about it... may i say, i absolutely get what you say. and enjoy your being you. i have laughed hugely at your answer to what you liked to read when younger... you said you'd mainly seen your father's cheque book then. and then of course, oh very cool dude barun like, pulled out the mahabharat from your gym bag. hope you did get to read most of it and took cues for all and many more characters you'll play from there. my grandma used to say, it's all in there... in that one book.
too many times i've watched you and felt thrilled at your irrepressible sense of you. what you say about your father touches me. how you stay committed to your life partner feels beautiful, i hope wherever she's taking you on that two-day surprise trip is just what you have dreamed of (by any chance, could it be singapore? they say a certain bengali lady can turn out a pretty mean shukto there).
i will not be seeing you or talking to you today, but i will be writing about you this evening... episode 170... teri meri. i have been searching for the right words for a couple of days. i watch your expressions, i capture edit after edit, gah, what was he thinking when he did this, i think. how did he bring so much to each expression, each move of head, body, hand... that gaze, that embrace... not just a dance was it? not too many actors can raise the sensuous to sublime... most are happy to get the first one, the second one... that i believe comes from the guy who is always himself... never what others want you to be.
in a way, writing about 170 will be my celebration of your bday. sarod maestro amjad ali has said, what he really hopes for and wants to earn lots of is people's "dua" because that counts, maybe that's what i send in these daily deliriums of mine, episode wise. hope they bring you the best of vibes and wishes and you can feel their joy and lightness from having experienced you. i have no idea if you're aware what a stupendous actor you really are.
dear hotwa barun, a most happy birthday to you. and here's to some boneless mustard fish, though nothing like a bit of kanta to make life interesting.
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