Death. It had always been with him. An unwanted presence, a shadow that never loosened its hold.
Death. It was here.
Arnav sat still, frozen, looking straight at her. The slight turn of the corners of her lips, the slant of her eyes. A strand of hair falling across her eyes, as always. She was frozen too. But unlike him, she would never have to come alive again.
Because she couldn't.
'Bhai.'
The word was accompanied by a slight pressure on his shoulder. Arnav flinched at the sudden touch, but sat unmoved. Aakash kept the bottle of water beside him and watched as his brother slowly reached out and drowned the bottle in one go, his actions mechanical. Arnav had truly turned into the stone he had always pretended to be. The facade that they had all been able to see through. The pretence that she had been able to pull away from him.
A stone that was cracked in too many places, in too many ways.
Arnav willed the chilled water to cool his burning insides, to soak away some of the agony, to wash away some of the pain. Only some, because he would always carry the void with him. Aakash sat down beside him, facing her. Khushi's portrait stood proud, the smile intact, a garland around it, the slight smoke from the incense sticks streaming across the glass. Arnav smirked, his lips curving into the shape that had always been second nature, but his eyes remained cold, emotionless. Everything, everyone seemed to be trying to blur the memory of this. Even those fire-red tips.
But they never possibly could.
***
'Arnav?'
She always stretched out the second "a", making his name sound like a purr. Arnav chuckled and turned to his wife, sitting on the kitchen counter, clad only in a shirt. It was strange how she managed to still look like an innocent, sweet child. He walked to her and put his arms around her as she did the same around his neck.
'I'm pregnant.'
She popped out the words, then pursed her lips, eyebrows lifted, waiting for his reaction. Arnav had missed a breathe as her words registered.
'Are you sure?'
Khushi rolled her eyes at him, her arms shifting to his shoulders, loosening their hold.
'Of course I am! What sort of ques-'
Any further words were wiped clean on their way from her brain to her mouth as Arnav swooped in to kiss his wife soundly, lifting her off the table in his euphoria. He let out a chuckle as Khushi wrapped her legs around his hips and broke apart, her face flushed. He sighed with contentment.
'I'm so happy, I'm afraid,' said Arnav, touching her forehead with his, their noses brushing. Khushi pulled back to look at him and softly pecked his lips once more.
'Don't be. My husband can never be afraid.' Arnav had barely got his smile in place when she announced, 'After all, you're wedded to Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada!' Squeals of laughter resounded in the kitchen as Khushi struggled in her husband's arms as he nipped every part of her bare skin he could get to, ignoring her protests.
***
'Khushi, look at me, damn it!'
He held her hand, running alongside the gurney, his mind zoning out the rush that swirled around him, focusing on his wife's pale face, the hand that he did not hold splayed on her swollen belly, drops of perspiration resting in beads on her forehead, her cheekbones highlighted in the paleness of her face.
He tried hard to not notice the red that seeped into the side of her clothes. The fall had been sudden and he had not been able to reach her in time. The guilt gnawed at him, now at its worst.
'Khushi! Khushi, open your eyes.' His words seemed garbled to him, his throat parched, fear running like an icy whisper through his bones. He raised his eyes to see the doctor giving instructions to nurses, the corridor being cleared as they made their way through it. The operating theatre loomed near, at the end of their path. A sudden touch at his wrist made him look down.
Khushi was looking up at him. The doctor was now telling him to let go, but Arnav refused to register the words. Her eyes were wide in her gaunt face, filled with tears. But the clarity in them was frightening. She blinked once and Arnav leaned closer, still keeping up as his wife was led on the bed.
'If they...ask you to choose,' said Khushi, her voice cracked and laced with pain, 'you will choose our daughter.' Arnav jerked up in shock, blood rushing through him as if it had been stagnant for too long and his heretofore dry eyes blurred with moisture. He quickly blinked, clearing them and leaned down, speaking hurriedly.
'Sshh, Khushi, nothing's going to happen.' The hold on his wrist tightened.
'Promise me, Arnav. You will choose her.'
Time seemed to slow down and Arnav closed his eyes. Their life, their love, their memories flashed through, embedded forever. He opened them as they came to a stop. The doctor was asking him to stand back. Khushi's eyes never left his face. He bent, till his face was buried in her neck.
'I promise,' he whispered near her ear. He lifted his head and pressed his lips against her cold ones.
The action seemed too final. But he was sure of the "I love you" he heard whispered to him before she was finally taken away.
***
Aakash looked up as NK appeared beside him, indicating him to get up with a jerk of his head. Aakash stood up and they walked some distance away before NK began.
'The guests are gone. It's a good thing you didn't let Arnav talk to them.' Aakash noted how his cousin had reverted to using his Bhai's name properly after all these years. He also noted the fatigue that had appeared almost overnight after they had received the news about Khushi's death. NK had disappeared into his room, only to emerge hours later, red-eyed and changed, into a person Aakash had never thought him to be - responsible, mature. It was NK who had quietened Bhai, enough to actually attempt to bring him home from the hospital.
'And where's...' Aakash left the question incomplete.
NK smiled wryly, as if the very action hurt him. 'We must decide on a name. Or atleast, Arnav should. She's with Di.'
'Where's Di?' Both brothers jumped at the quiet voice behind them and turned to look at Arnav standing behind them, his face as inexpressive as before. He seemed almost drunk in his sorrow. NK silently turned and began walking, his brothers following him. They found their sister sitting with a little wrapped bundle in her arms, singing softly. She looked up and seeing her brothers, smiled. Aakash had seen Anjali change too, after her brother had broken apart in her arms. She had become mother to both him and his newborn child, shouldering responsibility she had always been protected from. Aakash stopped and held NK from going forward, letting Arnav walk up to his sister and child alone. Anjali stood up.
'Do you want to go to Papa?' She said to the baby in her arms softly. She looked at her brother and held his child out to him. Aakash watched as Arnav stiffened momentarily before awkwardly raising his arms, his shoulders still slack. He took his baby from Di's arms, holding her carefully and walked to the window from which a cool breeze and the golden light of sunset poured through.
Anjali looked at her brother's back and watched as he slowly straightened, the soft light playing on his tired features. She turned to her other brothers, who were also looking at the new father and walked to them. With a slight squeeze on Aakash's arms and a nod to NK, she left. One more moment and she would be able to essay the role of an elder sister anymore.
NK walked up to his brother and stood beside him. Arnav was looking intently at his child, almost inspecting her. He suspected that he had not really seen her, only, perhaps noticed this little being in the last few days. NK laid a hesitant hand on the middle of the bundle of wraps.
'How do you think she knew, NK? That it would be a girl? That she would be-'
NK watched the little girl in Arnav's arms for a moment. Her eyes were a brilliant, deep brown, big in her tiny face. Like her mother's. NK moved his hand to his brother's fore-arm, gripping him, trying to give him some strength.
'She was Khushi ji.' Arnav looked up at him and NK struggled to look back at him, the naked anguish plain to see. Aakash appeared behind him, looking over Arnav's shoulder as the baby moved a little in his arms. All three moved their gaze to her.
'What should we name her?' asked Aakash, quietly. 'Did you two ever...'
Arnav was quiet for a minute. 'She did, of course.' There was a ghost of a smile in his voice, and that surprised him.
'Khushi. She will be called Khushi.' Aakash and NK looked at each other at the declaration, flanked on either side of their older brother as he looked down at his daughter, who was yawning in her drowsiness.
'I just hope she doesn't decide to go to the kitchen to fry jalebis in the middle of the night when she grows up.' Arnav chuckled at NK's attempt humour and was awarded with a wide-eyed stare. He raised his sleeping daughter a little and bent to kiss her forehead.
'She will. I'll teach her.'
Note: I have wanted to write this for a long time. Song: Timshel by Mumford & Sons. Timshel is a Hebrew word, meaning "thou shalt".
Tethered readers, sorry, I've been lazy. Half a chapter written.
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Udne Ki Aasha
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