Dear Dairy……
Well….I never write dairy but today I felt I need to write down my feeling in this paper. I got married to CS. But still something is missing. When we are in KB I try avoiding him in every way….finally he made me confess my inner feelings to him. He already knew that I am scared. I was shocked. He promised me that until I feel comfortable my heart allow me he will wait for me. I was awestruck. I always knew he is so understanding & caring with lots of patience but….today he completely surprised me. I know he loved me so much. It's not easy to restrain yourself from your loved one. That day I decided I will take one step forward towards him. He canceled his leave for me. He knows I will most comfortable in Jeaitsar. It's not like that I did not want to spend time with my new family but I need some more time to adjust myself.
We are back to Jeaitsar. I meet my family….I was overjoyed. I met them after 3 /4 days only but still its good feeling to meet your parents. Everyone is happy. Then I saw my family is hiding their sorrow to make me happy. They don't want to hamper my newly married life with their worries. I felt so helpless. They are pretending this happy picture because of me but inside they are worried for their son. I can't be happy when my family is suffering. I decided to go back my own home with my husband & family.
Again he proved that he cares for me. For him my happiness is most important. He understands me so well sometimes I wonder how does he manages know my feeling so very well. I was feeling low…..sad…felt like crying hard….uncontrolled…..he came near to me….say my name Anandi…
I did not think anything else…his voice the way he said my name…I felt…. & I hugged him tightly….I need his warmth….his touch….his console…..his assurance voice. He did not hug me back….because he promised me…he won't touch me until I am ready…or may heart allow me…. I was crying my heart out….felt so comfortable & safe. Without touching me he try to cheer me…console me. His words made me so vulnerable….I hugged him tightly….more……I could hear his heart beat….which was beating fast in beginning…as I hugged him but slowly….beating normally…..
Then he said he will personally search for Jagdish & will bring him in Haveli. I did not expect him to do so. He already done beyond limit…..he is willing to do it for me & my family. Because he knows my families happiness made me happy. I was shocked again. I broke hug…..looked at him with disbelieve. Here is the man standing in front of me with great confidence & composure. When I hugged him he could hug me back at least try to clam me down. But he is man with strong willed & determination & most importantly principals.
I feel completely ashamed of myself for not loving him. Why I get scared when he gets close to me….why…..why get those bitter flash which is not important for me anymore…..why…..here is man who loved like crazy but always put his feeling aside to make me feel better. And I am ignoring him…why……..not anymore….I can't use him like this no way……No way…..I won't…
Today when I hugged him…I did not scare…..in fact I was waiting for him. I know he will surely talk to me….console me…...while hugging him…I felt his warmth…care…..smoothing effect on me. I feel like I am safe in his arms…..deep inside I was craving for his touch….warmth….but he did not touch me….he was standstill….so controlled. I know until I move forward he won't make move…..he will wait for me. Now it's my turn….next day…..without any hesitation I tuck his button on his shirt. He was shocked….I can see in his eyes….he was surprised….I did not scare to get close to him. I did not get any bad flashes…..I was so closed to him…..he keeps staring at me with disbelieve ….but I am confidant. Now on I do it from bottom of my heart. I make this happen for my sake...
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Udne Ki Aasha
Kumkum Bhagya
