Posted:
Tanya Di , what i wanted to know was how to handle such a situtations in real life. I'll share with u my personal experience . My hubby is the eldest son followed by his 3 brothers & 1 sister. Our was a arranged marriage . As to what i understood my MIL had full control on him i.e he used to give his entire salary to his mom and her decision was sort of final. Her control on him was so much that, on our engagement day which was also his birthday, we had decided to go out for dinner which was not approved by her and finally the outing was canceled.
After marriage, to my surprise i found out that my hubby had zero savings and I would constantly hear that she has spent for his wedding ( in Goa for arranged marriages the wedding expenses are borne by both the parties 50-50). That is when , we decided to do some savings and started giving our MIL money for her monthly expenses ( as her other 2 sons were also working by then) . From that day i was accused for changing her son and that her son does not love her anymore. After 5 years of marriage the situation became very difficult , that we left the house and started staying at my mom's place, as she had given us a deadline that from tomorrow on wards u will not touch my things. From that day my family was accused for taking away her son. But my husband never stopped giving his mother the monthly expenses and visiting her and I never tried to come in between them. During our stay at my mom's place my husband met with an accident at his work place , she blamed that on my family. I lost my father of cancer. Even today my MIL says to my mom that your husband died of cancer as an punishment for taking away my son.
After 10 years of marriage, we got our first child and my husband said let go back home, mom has changed now , she is not like before and she feels very lonely now as the daughter was also married , second son got married , went thru same thing and stays with his In-laws . Another son married just last year. Now she thinks all her married son's don't love her like before. It's been 3 years now that we came to stay in the house , initially i was reluctant and did not want to go thru all that again. But what my husband said is, What would you do if your mom had been in her place , just leave her alone on her own??? After all she is my mom. If you think she is bad , why you also want to be bad like her. What i learnt from my experience is , since she had total control over her children and all their attention for herself that she now dislike her DIL for getting her share of attention. And if u are staying under one roof then the final call would be allways her as long as she is there. Since I know where my husband happiness lies in, I try to overlook and say why should i be bad like her.
Inspite of all the above, what i don't like in PR is the way they are showing the mother-son relationship. It is more like you did bad to me now you deserve the suffering you are going thru.
I feel bad for savita ( credit for the actor, as she makes you feel for her ) and as a mother don't want to go thru all this and would never even wish my MIL go thru this. Here, Manav as son has also suffered, but why show him taking a tough stand when his mother is in a bad shape. Does it give him any happiness to see his mother in this state, it a big No. So wanted to know how would anyone react faced with a similar situation.
Dear Claire ...........
Read your personal experience .
I would only say this ..........
Parents are not perfect
Duty always has to be done
Killing your chance at life and doing duty should not be equated ........the balance HAS to be found . Coz THAT is the key and mystery of LIFE ..........finding that balance .
It often becomes a tussle . Unpleasant duties do NOT let you live life on YOUR terms and conditions . It is then that people shirk duties altogether and opt only for the latter .
Then there are those who do Duties so meticulously that they don't bother to see that their spouse is literally living a living death in the process .
Both the extremes are wrong .
When the parent is unreasonable .........U have to put your foot down . [ Its not just parent .........its with ANY human being .] You have to find a way to do your duties by your bilogical parents and see to it that your wife and your children live a life too . If living together causes tension ..........live seperate and do your duties .
My critique to the track was this.......Manav did NOT do his duties anymore . He gave no money for expenses and not once did he bother about his dead brother's child ...........he only used him in an argument to win a point with his mother before chucking her out .
If the mother in law does nOT want to see the face of the bahu , don't force her . Keep the wife OUT of the picture . No need to take her there ....keep her waiting down , or out of the room to get insulted . Why this stupidity ? MIL has made it clear na that she does not want to see her face ? Respect that wish .Its better for the Wife too to live with self respect at HER house instead of being insulted . But go , meet ur mom , give her expenses . See to it that her FOOD and MEDS r not stopped .See if anything else is needed .U owe it to her , that much .U did not grow ON YOUR OWN . She looked after u . The debt is indeed ETERNAL .
But what I found was this thought process was rejected by many . They wanted him to simply cut her out of his life and only fixate on Archana . They rather LIKED the package deal message ..........ACCEPT ARCHANA OR U LOSE ME .
WHY ? I ask ......why ? Why force her ? And why put Archana thru the horror of being a FORCED ACCEPTANCe again ? Let her take her time na ? Let her come around at her own space ! Meanwhile u go and mantain ur independent relations na , do ur duties !
But INDEPENDENT RELATIONS were frowned down upon by many .The concept horrified them . The PACKAGE DEAL sounded more dashing , more romantic perhaps . Some voiced it to me that I wud be mad if my hubby did that .
Why ? She is his mom na ? And where r u ..the wife suffering in this ? Ur staying seperate ! Let him go and handle na ? Be sensible ! Just like U she shud not be forced on u ........U shudnt be forced on her either ! By insisting egoistically that if hubby goes alone to meet mom he is BETRAYING ME as a SPOUSE ....ur being childish , petulant and spoilt ! This is not maturity !
What I noticed to my amusement was INDEPENDENT RELATIONS WITH MOM was a horrifying idea to many . They thought the PACKAGE DEAL was better .
I didn't . I repeat ........if MIL does NOT like to see bahus face even , best to keep bahu seperate , but the man shud come and go and do his duties faithfully till the end .He owes that to God .
In ur case ...........if she accused Ur Father of contracting cancer thru Karma ...........IGNORE her words . She will say far worse things ......IGNORE . Do we have control over her thought process or mouth ? Nope . Let her talk ..........when our conscience is clear and we did our duties , why bother or even dwell on it ?
Staying with Girl's parents after marraige in Indian society often invites criticism of breaking the man away from his home .But if mother in law is being AWFULLY unreasonable and its impossible to BOOK A FLAT in costly India like Mumbai or even Goa .........till savings r done , one HAS to find a way , right ?
Now during that tenure if people TAUNT u ...........again , IGNORE . Focus on your goal of booking your flat . Meanwhile the guy shud continue visiting his parents and doing his duties .And your husband who seems to be a gem of a man , did it . Not once did he forget them .
Today when she is old and REALLY NEEDS HIM ..........he moved in with her and is once more doing his duty . The question he asked you is very true ..........Wud we , as women or daughters , discard OUR MOMS if they were imperfect or temperamental ?
90% of the women WUD NOT . A member on my commentary thread said her mom HATED her boyfriend and threw temper tantrums each time he was mentioned .Yet she continues doing her duties by her mom , but hasnt broken off with her bf whom she intends marrying .
My own Bhabhi has made her only daughter break off her affair with her bf coz she feels insecure about who will look after her in her old age as she has only this daughter . The BF has his own family responsibilities .he canot become a ghar jamaai . But he was a real good guy and my bro's daughter was very much in love with him . They split .....not due to differences between THEM , but due to my Bhabhi's unreasonable demands . His parents wanted them to get married that year and my Bhabhi till the end refused to give permission for the marraige .Such a nice guy and such an understanding family , fyi they quietly withdrew . Coz the daughter told her bf whatever she is , she is my mom and I cannot just leave her like that . Today my bhabhi is urging her to migrate to Canada and earn dollars so she can shift there in her old age and avvail of the social security and medical benefits . What my Bhabhi is doing is being SELFISH . She is thinking of HERSELF ..........she doesnt care that after she dies , her daughter will be left ALONE .
I advised her to MARRY ASAP if the guy was still willing . To come and go and take care of mom , and to provide her monthly for expenses .To sometimes bring her to stay with them for long periods ...like a month or two etc . But not HAMESHA . Everything can work out if balance is struck . But I told my bro's daughter that even u have ONE LIFE ..........doing duty doesnt mean killing YOUR chance at life .
The guilt trips have to be ignored AS FIRMLY as the TAUNTS of Karma .
But duty has to be done FIRMLY too .
Manav failed there .He put all efforts only in earning sasural's goodwill .
Today if Archna tells him to go back to mom ..........She FAILS . She did it once for Shravni ........She pLAYED with sacred institution called Marraige .Now if she does it AGAIN , its unforgivable .
There was a time Savita was happy with just Manavs visits . She really was NOT demanding more . She did not wanna see Archnas face , bas . But Manav started forcing it on her .Today things festered to such a point that she is now forcing HIM to do exactly ULTA .
As far as u go .........stick it out as much as u can . If HER final call proves too much for u to handle ..........like Tanya said ........shift in a nearby house .........on rent or ownership as u prefer and let ur hubby do duties regularly .But U can have ur peace of mind . When ur conscience is clear ..........NO GUILT TRIP can upset it . That strength only comes from a clear conscience .
Anupamaa
