Saif passage
With a colourful array of past relationships, one broken marriage and a superstar girlfriend, Saif Ali Khan knows a thing or two about women. So who better to impart the new rules of dating and divorce, and tips for keeping your women happy?*
*NB: If it still doesn't work out, you can always hire a hot nurse.
Interviewed by Che Kurrien
Photographed by Rishad Mistri
Styled by Natasha Chib
Know thyself
When trying to impress a lady, make sure you play to your strengths. I was never the tallest or broadest guy in the room. But I did have a sense of humour – which created a sense of ease among my female friends. Girls also like it when you cut through the bullshit. While growing up, we used to say outrageous things and were amazed at our success rate. We'd say things like, "I'd like to take you home", and were shocked at how many times they said yes – especially in Delhi [chuckles]. To woo her, you have to be direct. Tell her how you feel, without being dirty. Take in your surroundings, think about what the girl is like and make a call. It all depends on where you are and who you're talking to. A GQ man knows the difference. He knows what to wear, how to behave and what to say depending on how much alcohol a girl has consumed! New York is the easiest place to pick up women. It's an evolved city, where people live the way they want to. No matter how big a star a girl is, you will have a shot: she will give you 60 seconds to show her what you've got. I mean, it's a town full of stockbrokers, so someone with even average game can be a high-scorer. London is at the other end of the spectrum: English girls are the most difficult to speak to.
Familiarity breeds... naughtiness
My American friends find it hard in India, because they're snubbed by almost any girl they hit on. What they don't understand is that if a girl goes home with a tall, blonde stranger, people will talk. Indian girls need familiarity, security. It doesn't mean they're not naughty – in fact, they might be naughtier! When I was growing up in Delhi, nobody noticed me till I was 17; I was everybody's kid brother. But after that, I had a date every night. The girls had seen me around for a couple of years, they knew who I was, and felt reasonably secure [laughs].
Line and length
If you're looking to enter a long-term relationship with a woman, make sure she's a worthy partner – that's the only rule. You should be able to live with this person and she should be a positive influence on your life. Women can either make you or distract you till you're lost, but it completely depends on how you deal with things. You also have to work on being consistent. You have to work on your relationship if you want it. It's easy to give up and get someone new. But after a point, you don't want another casual fling; you want intimacy, depth, to be loved. That means you have to be lovable. You've got to put something in, and that takes building – you have to put in effort every day. I used to wonder what people were talking about when they said that relationships require work. I thought, "We really like each other and we like to hang out, so where's the work required in that?" But sometimes you have to do things that wouldn't come to you naturally, just to show her how serious you are.
Red light
When you're both out at a party, as long as you behave in the way she expects and vice versa, things will be fine. If she loves dancing, and she's dancing wildly with a stranger, it's totally OK. But if he tries to put an arm around her waist, then there should be a gesture from her that says "No touching, man".
Shedding skin
Once you enter into a serious relationship, your friends have to acknowledge and understand that the equation has changed. There's an age for everything: you can't be hanging out 24/7 with your college buddies now that you're committed. That said, both partners should try and accept each others' friends. Be clear about this with your woman, and sometimes be ready to take a stand. If your partner still makes you miserable about your friends, and you feel that strongly about it, then find somebody who doesn't make you feel that way.
The balancing act
When it comes to managing the relationship between your woman and your mother, the best thing is to stay out of it as much as possible. When you have to get into it, take your woman into confidence, because that'll make the two of you closer. You choose your partner over your mother so that, in the long run, your relationship with your mother can be respectful, smooth, loving and non-stressful. Confiding in your mother is wimpy, and will eventually backfire. Sometimes you can keep your mother in the loop, but the information has to be managed. The moment you start getting into "But she's my mother, how can you say that?" you're dead. You do not need to go there [laughs].
Honour thy past (but not too much)
At the end of a relationship, if you haven't grown as a person, what tends to happens is you break up and have the same relationship again with somebody else, and then break up with that person and have the same relationship all over again. You don't miss your exes, because you keep looking for a substitute. If you have a healthy spiritual life – and most of us don't – then you might outgrow a relationship, and have the courage to say, "This was great, but I need to be somewhere else." I feel that there's nobody safer in the world than an ex, depending on how you've broken up, because of all the stuff you've put each other through. Both of you can look at the past with respect, but not thinking that there's some unresolved, unfinished business. Confusion is the scariest thing in a relationship. But if your woman is just talking to her ex, and she's a strong, intelligent girl, then it's fine. It's prehistoric to pretend her ex is dead, even though it suits you.
The subtext
I'm a bit whipped, so I delete every text message I get from girls. My contact list is full of women, but I have nothing to do with them. If I get a message from one of them, I usually don't reply. That way, they're not really sure whether I got the message or not. When you're in that transition phase, going from being single to a serious relationship, other girls might not know you're committed and might continue flirting and texting you. In that situation, you could send a message back saying, "Look, I'm in a serious relationship, don't mess around with me" – and then make sure your girlfriend sees it, because she'll think you're really cool [laughs]. Basically, I won't reply. It's a bit geeky to send a message saying, "I've got a girlfriend now, can you stop calling me – but in case it doesn't work out, I'll save your number"… though it would also be cool, because the woman would respect you. She'd say, "Wow, he's a player. But for the moment, he's off the list."
Money honey
Every resource should be shared equally. I don't mean things should be split 50-50, but everything is connected emotionally. It is possible to make a connection between a financial contribution and an emotional one. Yet, erecting walls and drawing lines can make us feel protected, like each of us has our own security zones. One of the best parts of being in a healthy relationship is breaking down those barriers. Many people feel that a man should run the house, but there's nothing wrong with a woman contributing. Sharing finances bonds us as partners, and it's an important step in developing trust.
Things fall apart
Divorce is a function of a marriage no longer being what it was: forever. It's destructive for some people to continue living together. If you're happier without your spouse, then a divorce will leave you feeling more positive towards your kids and family at large. Divorce is much easier without kids, but even then, you should make every effort to ensure your marriage works. But it's not the end of the world if you grow up and say, look, we can't live together. At some point, you need to take control of your life and not be dictated to by society. Some people say it's better to have an affair and not rock the boat. I don't agree. I like how my life has turned out. I respect my past, and have learnt many things. The most important thing is for the children to be taken care of, if there are any. They will eventually understand that there's nothing wrong with their parents living in different environments.
Don't cheat, leave!
Cheating is so bloody stressful you should avoid it at all cost. Forget about your partner; just think about yourself – you're better off leaving! Do whatever you have to – live alone, rent a studio, buy a record player, take guitar lessons or run around naked – but don't cheat. Deal with yourself better, look better, learn to be more interesting to other women, but do not cheat. I can understand if a person in a long-term relationship gets attracted to someone else and things happen. He doesn't want to take it all the way, but doesn't want to lose the opportunity either. But this is a dangerous path, mostly for you. Unspoken sins weigh most heavily in our minds. And cheating negates everything. It's the wild card in the pack. What we need to understand is why people cheat. What we're really looking for is the warmth of another person, to touch or be touched by somebody. It's the sensation you're chasing. We want it because it's on the other side – the forbidden fruit. It's fun, gratifying, and you enjoy it for a while. But the damage that occurs later is almost irreversible. This understanding is the only thing that will protect you, unless you don't want protection. Some men have a stable marriage, kids, a house, car, everything, and after that they want a little excitement. But it's a dangerous game, because you can get burnt and lose everything. The path to peace lies through boredom. Physical sensation is like a drug – it's addictive. If life feels empty, there are so many ways to fill it up… though they might not be as much fun [laughs]. But they're much healthier in the long run.
Caught in the act?
If you're in a relationship that you're not serious about, and you're constantly screwing around behind her back, getting caught could be a great opportunity to move on. If you're in a loving, honorable relationship and you've been indiscreet, you can beg, plead and explain – and try to live with that crack in your relationship. If you're in that type of relationship, my advice is to drink a bottle of your favourite poison and walk away, because it's never going to be the same again. Women blow up in your face for the smallest mistakes. Infidelity – forget about it. An honorable relationship is done the moment you've been unfaithful. There's no love left. If she needs security, either for herself or the children, or money, then she might stick it out, but there will be no love. My advice would be to split before she cuts your dick off in your sleep. You'd never believe that this is the same girl who once looked at you with so much love.
Father figure
Women can definitely get it wrong. They can react out of ego. They're often right, but sometimes they're not. But if you don't get into an argument at the time, you might get an apology later. You will be respected for not having blown up. You have to let her know that she is the queen in certain areas. And sometimes you have to treat her like a child and tell her she's pushing it. She has to know that she can argue and shout, but that there are certain rules. She has to know that you're not her chamcha and that you can say no, but that as long as she's not wrong, you will give her the moon. You have to play the role of father, brother and lover all rolled into one.
A sharp single
The whole point of being single and playing the field is to live like the opposite of [someone who is] committed. It should be messy. It's the time you're experimenting, learning about yourself, and are unsure about what you want. And that's totally fine. It can be incredibly fun not being attached. You can be messing around with the girl upstairs and the one downstairs. It's hysterical and complicated, and that's the way it should be when you're single. You're not answerable to anyone. There is a certain amount of loneliness that can creep in when you live this way, but hey, that's part of the deal.
Digging deep
Relationships need to be deep, and I don't believe in random companionship. I'd rather be single and hire a hot nurse. She can carry you around when you're old, keep you company. This will change the definition of "hired help" [laughs]. It's all possible in an evolving society.
Credit: Sujju of KareenaK.net
PS: This interview was superb! He dwell on his past and admits his mistakes...Just like imtiaz said, he sure spills his dark secrets and is honest about it!..He is intellectual and very very articulate...Great to read these kinds of interviews rather than the monotonous ones!
Edited by Kyaktsar - 15 years ago
Suggestions / Comments
1