hrithik roshan filmfare interviewww

Coming to terms with his knee surgery, living fearlessly and clarifying the rumours about Barbara Mori... Hrithik Roshan discusses his darkest demons and more with Filmfare

Excerpts from a freewheeling convo...

You think you've come into your own as an actor after doing movies like Kites and Guzaarish?
If I haven't come into my own, then I certainly am just around the corner. I can see the difference in my approach to my work today. Jodhaa Akbar was my first step from a small pond into the ocean. I learnt to let go from there on. Ashutosh Gowariker's instructions rattled me initially. Despite my pleas he didn't allow me check the shot on the monitor. I didn't get to see even one frame of the film. Deep inside, I knew what he was doing would definitely bring out something new in me. He understood that having done movies like Krrish and Dhoom, I am aware of how the camera looks at me and I know how to look back at it. That's not necessarily a good thing for an actor. The true test of an actor is playing it by the heart and not giving a damn about your hair, your clothes, how you're walking or how the camera is looking at you. All those are just decorations. Like every newcomer I was insecure. So I made those decorations my main concern. But it was time to let go. Post Jodhaa Akbar, Kites and Guzaarish I think I'm almost there. I'm enjoying not caring.

Rumours about Barbara Mori and you refuse to die down…
You said it… they are rumours…

Surely they're not just rumours.
You believe them?

I can only react to what I read and what people in the industry are talking about…
I'm not even going to waste my breath on stuff like that. I don't want to dignify the section of the media that has gone on and on writing about this. When they started writing about this, I was on the verge of getting into Guzaarish where I had to cut off from the world. I used this as an impetus. Because I've lived with paraplegics and I've seen the world through their eyes, it's made a huge impact on me. You realise that all this doesn't matter. It's just a blink in the history of my life. It's something that doesn't matter. I used those rumours to cut off from the world. I wanted them to write more bad stuff about me because that would help me go deeper into my hole. But those were the happiest days of my life. Because I was doing something I believed in. I had no reason to fear. Neither did Sussanne. There were talks that she walked out of the house. She walked out of the house, I walked out of my father's house. There's no end to it. It's ridiculous. Barbara is going to be down here once again. And it's going to start once again.

But weren't you promoting her big time to your directors?
Which directors?

Zoya Akhtar?
I did tell Zoya about Barbara. She was looking for a Spanish girl and the only one I know is Barbara. Isn't it obvious I'd mention her?

So there's nothing between you?
The truth will come out. I'm not even wasting my breath on this crap.

Okay, there is also talk that you don't see eye-to-eye with Sanjay Leela Bhansali, the director of Guzaarish.
When you're working on something together, there's always going to be a point when you see things differently. You have to question the creation. All those discussions and arguments filter out the crap and you get more subtext into the truth of the film. It's teamwork and without discussions and arguments there's no way you can make anything out of teamwork. I don't understand why I'm asked these questions. There's nothing personal. I don't allow anything to get personal. My director can tell me that I'm the worst actor in the world and it will only motivate me. Criticism is your only access point to growth. And people just let it affect their ego and they get hurt. I'd rather be with people who tell me how bad I am because that's my access point to growth. I may not believe everything they say. But I will definitely learn something.

Do you regret not doing 3 Idiots?
It's the biggest hit in the history of Indian cinema. Why should I regret it?

It could have been your movie, no?
But then it might not have been such a big hit. Whatever happened with 3 Idiots happened absolutely correctly and that's what made it such a big hit. I'm glad I played my part in nudging it in the right direction.

Okay, why didn't you do the film?
Because as I told Raju, in my head I didn't see myself as the best actor to play that part.