Vanessa fears Angelina will seduce Johnny to death

Angelina Jolie has a bit of a reputation. Her vagina, they say, is much like a waterslide on a hot day. Actors just can't resist. Billy Bob Thornton couldn't resist, even though he was engaged to Laura Dern when he fell for Angelina Jolie during the making of Sling Blade. And Brad Pitt couldn't resist, even though he was married to Jennifer Aniston when he fell for Angelina Jolie during the making of Mr & Mrs Smith. And now Angelina Jolie is about to make a film with Johnny Depp. And Johnny Depp's girlfriend, it's fair to say, is absolutely bricking herself.

So much so that she's reportedly ordered Johnny Depp to leave the film. We can't help feeling that she's worrying about nothing, though. Angelina Jolie is a changed woman these days ' she won't have sex with Johnny Depp. She might adopt him, but she won't have sex with him.

The Tourist ' the upcoming Angelina Jolie/ Johnny Depp double-header ' seems woefully miscast to us. It's a thriller about an Interpol agent who sleeps with a tourist to flush out the criminal she's in pursuit of. And it stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. It just doesn't make any sense. It's not a thriller about an Interpol agent who has either a) witnessed a real-life atrocity so moving that she'll be nominated for an Oscar or b) enjoys strolling around in front of slow-motion explosions wearing nothing but a skintight catsuit, and it's not about a funny-voiced tourist in a madcap wig.

So both Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp seem massively unsuited to The Tourist. But that's not why Johnny Depp is apparently doing everything he can to get out of starring in it. No, Johnny Depp is apparently doing everything he can to get out of it because his girlfriend Vanessa Paradis is worried that he'll get sucked into Angelina Jolie's vagina and never be seen again.(LMFAOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! 🤣🤣🤣)

Paradis "found out that there was a real long and intense love scene between [Depp] and Jolie," a source close to the project said. "He's currently trying to [get out of the movie], but I don't know if he's succeeded. But he's trying and they're talking about replacing him with [Jolie's partner] Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio."

They're both more sensible choices of co-star. If Brad Pitt was to film a love scene with Angelina Jolie, the film would undoubtedly become a hit as audiences either tried to dissect the scene to uncover hints of romantic discord or just basically masturbated until their laps ended up looking like a giant Quality Street Strawberry Cream that'd been bludgeoned with a rolling pin. And if Leonardo DiCaprio was to star, then nobody would have to worry about Angelina Jolie sleeping with him. Because, you know, he looks a bit like a great big vole, doesn't he?

That said, part of us does hope that Johnny Depp fails in his attempt to leave The Tourist. Not because he'll inevitably end up getting seduced by Angelina Jolie, leading to the highest-profile celebrity break-up of all time, but mainly because we just want to see what sort of silly cartoonish voice he'll end up giving his character. We heard he's aiming for a sort of French aardvark with a lisp, mixed with a sort of Esperanto Liberace. Sounds good.

Wrong place! you should post it in the Hollywood forum