A member topic - a personal rant

I am doing my masters in Hindi literature right now.The thing is I have been diagnosed with anxiety,and I take medicines and go for counselling too.

So my anxiety makes me procrastinate,my therapist also tells me I have expectations of perfectionism so that too adds to my anxiety.

With all this anxiety I have tried getting through my masters degree,I have fallen and tried to get up.I have got anxiety attacks on days of assignment submissions and exams,during my first semester I had even contemplated leaving it.

But with my family and specially my brother's support I have thankfully been able to persevere.

I won't score very high CGPA but I will get my degree ig(my fourth sem exams are done,but mark sheet isnt out yet)

But what bothers me most is that the department's head,my professor doesn't think all that well of me as a student.Because of my anxiety and resultant procrastination I don't study on time,I am also undisciplined.It is not all my anxiety.But for a mixture of these reasons many times I have only started studying 12-24 hours before the exam,and such time period is enough for a 20 mark internal,not 60 mark final exam.Thus I score above average or even good in internals but I don't score well in final exams and so my overall marks go down.

This department head only sees my overall score ig and so thinks I am a very lacking student.I don't say I am extremely bright in Hindi literature,I have shifted from commerce to languages and there is a long road to travel.But I also don't think I am as lacking as he thinks,proof my internal exams scores(I don't have any reason to believe that evaluation for internals is lenient than externals)

Many times I have felt like going to him and telling him that "look I scored such and such marks in internal exams,my overall score is down coz of my anxiety and procrastination and indiscipline and poor management which doesn't give me enough time to study properly for external exams,you are wrong about me"

Like my last paper too,I planned poorly during studying and could only attempt 40 mark paper and scored 32 marks,he probably thinks I attempted all 60 mark paper and scored 32.Perhaps it sounds childish,making such excuses that "oh I could only attempt 40 mark paper" it really sounds something that school children would say but genuinely,when I start studying I devote more than required time to initial topics coz I don't feel confident enough and so I am not left with enough time to complete whole syllabus.

He has taunted me multiple times about my academic performance,even unnecessarily and so many times I have wanted to tell him all that I wrote above.But I have never been able to,because anxiety also invades your ability to express yourself to other people.I overthink and get scared.I think and think before asking for something from my co-students too,so telling my teacher that he may possibly be wrong about me is something I can only think about I guess.

And I am not very open with other people in my life too,except for my brother but he gives me solutions more than honour my emotions when I would want to rant.😂 I am grateful about his solutions,and a more thoughtful,mature younger brother I could not have asked for.But sometimes you just want to express what you are feeling and so I am writing all of this here.

Thank you if you managed to read it,be nice while also being truthful😂

Koi baat nahi, it happens. If you want to rant more, you can PM me anytime :) I'm all ears (and no, I won't give you any advice or suggestions or solutions) so, don't worry.

Sorry to hear that. What medication are you taking for your anxiety and how long have you been taking it?

Well..if u think ur department head will understand tell him about ur anxiety issues..sometimes the best support comes from unexpected people..

Don't tell him he is wrong about u..he may not like to hear that..just tell what's stopping u from achieving ur potential..and if he doesn't understand let it be..don't let anyone's opinion define u..

Also IF is the best place to rant😀

Originally posted by: Supari_khala

Sorry to hear that. What medication are you taking for your anxiety and how long have you been taking it?

Escitalopram(10 mg,the doctor asked to take 15 mg but that would just make me too sleepy n too casual,i need a bit of worry if i want to get sth done😂)...its now been 2 years I think.

Originally posted by: blahhhh

Escitalopram(10 mg,the doctor asked to take 15 mg but that would just make me too sleepy n too casual,i need a bit of worry if i want to get sth done😂)...its now been 2 years I think.

They did not increase your dose to the recommended 20 mg daily even after 2 years especially when you’re not responding? That is unusual. Also, do you take it every day or just when you remember it? Since you’re also suffering from chronic procrastination, talk to your doctor about potentially switching to bupropion if going up on the escitalopram is not an option.

Originally posted by: Kyahikahoon

Well..if u think ur department head will understand tell him about ur anxiety issues..sometimes the best support comes from unexpected people..

Don't tell him he is wrong about u..he may not like to hear that..just tell what's stopping u from achieving ur potential..and if he doesn't understand let it be..don't let anyone's opinion define u..

Also IF is the best place to rant😀

He knows about my anxiety issues,he knows about my last attack too.Still he may have taunted me today when all I did was ask to see my checked answer sheet

I was anyway scared to go and ask for it,and he had to say some unnecessary stuff when I did go.Like just show me my answer sheet and I will be on my way,I am not asking for something that the rules don't allow for...you are doing no favour to me,what do you mean by "why have you come to see your answer sheet,your marks won't increase or decrease by it"

Dear, you see you had the courage to write about this issue here...

Why not write to the departement head...you basically could copy what you wrote here and send it to him...and with him knowing about you and your issue, you both could even talk...

Maybe it would be worth a try...or would it make things even more difficult to you?

Fear is one of the most inhibiting forces in us...but acting despite the fear could be worth a try... 🤗

Edit: okay, I just read he knows about you anxiety...but he doesn't know about the hardship he gives you with his reactions...does he?

Originally posted by: blahhhh

He knows about my anxiety issues,he knows about my last attack too.Still he may have taunted me today when all I did was ask to see my checked answer sheet

I was anyway scared to go and ask for it,and he had to say some unnecessary stuff when I did go.Like just show me my answer sheet and I will be on my way,I am not asking for something that the rules don't allow for...you are doing no favour to me,what do you mean by "why have you come to see your answer sheet,your marks won't increase or decrease by it"

U r done with ur masters ya? Given last sem exams..hope u got to see the answer sheets..

Bas phir rehne do unhe apni soch ke saath

Let me share my experience, it may help you feel you are not alone.

I suffered from ADHD as a child (still have traces of it). I could never write any answer longer than a sentence (that'll also explain why I hate essays). My very supportive mum used to be in principal's office every Saturday. Teachers said the same thing every time, he is brilliant but lazy

I dreaded Hindi and always just about managed to clear the exam. To help with "my laziness", the teachers started giving me homework of writing 3-4 pages a day

It was my sister who realized something was wrong because she used to take my maths classes. I used to write the final answer directly skipping all the steps in between, as a result I never got full marks. One night, I told her I was going to run away the next day and showed her my packed suitcase 😆

She locked my room, and told my parents that we needed to seek help. We met counsellors, doctors and finally was diagnosed.

Expectations at school didn't change, they continued to call me lazy, irresponsible, naughty etc. What changed was how my family treated me. My mom stopped explaining to my teachers and just continued to work on me.

Don't get bothered by what they say... not everyone is understanding. You know your situation and are surrounded by loving people. Just believe that this too shall pass 🤗