"...Again, the kind of person I am, I do not believe in forgiving without the other person ever acknowledging the mistake. I feel like a fool if I am the one mad, I am the one forgiving and moving on and then the other person feels hunky dory, has no clue how they have wronged me, and continue to behave in the same way. Forgiving only gives me peace of mind, but doesn't do anything else. I generally need more than that, vindication too. I will not waste my energies on pursuing grudges, wishing for bad things to happen, no I won't do that. But, if there is no acknowledgement and realization, there is not going to be any forgiving too
...."
------------
mili -- just responding to this; so what you have posted above is the step to reconciliation. that is not forgiveness. there are huge differences between reconciliation and forgiveness. they are not the same but people confuse them because they are quite close. so like I mentioned in my ealier post, forgiveness simply means letting go of the past, the anger, the hurt and pain. so lets clear up the misconceptions:
-- it does not require anything from the other person
-- it dot not mean what the other person did was acceptable or right
-- it does not mean that your feelings of hurt and anger are no longer valid
-- it does not mean that you have to have a relationship with the other person.
shockingly I learned all of this from a kdrama discussion on another forum. if anyone ever says watching dramas and participating in forums is a waste of time, I would disagree -- I grew so much emotionally through these conversations on that drama and platform. it has stayed with me.
so to give a bit of context, I too have struggled with forgiveness. there are some toxic relatives in my family and lots of family politics and drama. I won't get into the details but the conflicts went on for years. so much so that the bridges have been broken.
for me, I struggled with forgiveness because I didn't want these people in my life where they keep hurting us and neither was I willing to accept that these people were okay in their actions. given our kinship ties, it was inevitable that we would see these people at various functions. it was not like we can just ignore them.
so it was such a game changer for me to learn about the differences in forgiveness vs reconciliation. I would highly recommend you do so well -- there are really enlightening as well as heartbreaking articles/blogs on this topic. so understanding forgiveness made a huge difference. I was able to stop obsessing about the past and just move on.
in some instances, there was reconciliation between the relatives -- whether it was direct acknowledgement or indirect (through actions, they were trying to show). with some, there was no reconciliation at all and I doubt it will ever happen. however, we as a family have forgiven them in the sense that we are no longer holding on to the anger or the pain and the past. it took an enormous amount of prayer -- I don't believe forgiveness is possible from a human heart without divine intercession.
however, it does not mean we have forgotten the past or the humiliations or the insults or the wrongs. it just means that past no longer has this control over us.
and when I see these relatives, I can have a civil conversation and I do wish them well. with some, there is a genuine tie even though it is not like how it was before. with others, I just have no interest of having a real relationship and civility is as far as it will go.
so yea, I struggle with watching these ITV dramas with mahaan FLs who pretend like none of it matters. I cannot relate to that and will likely never will. 🤷
Anupamaa
