Part 2 - A Storm of Doubt.
Anu sits beside Anuj in the Hospital, trying to digest everything Mr Shah has just said.
…..
“Anuj ko apne mun main aanedo beta”
“Aage Bado Anupamaa. Anuj ki taraf aage Bado… I let you go…”
These thoughts swirled around her head as she stared at Anuj’s unconscious figure in the hospital bed. She was so confused.
Yes she had been scared. Really scared.
He was in danger!
Yes she has been angry at him. Indignant even.
He had risked his life for such a stupid thing!
Yes she wanted him to get better. More than anything.
But. So what? He was her friend. She had the right to be concerned… it’s normal. She sat up straight. As if the rigidity of her backbone would bring control to her mind. (And heart).
“Swikarlio tane prem che maari ma!”
Mr Shaa’s voice echoed in her head. And another bout of confusion spun her out of control.
If she wasn’t already in pain from her head injury (which funnily enough was coming more from her heart than the cut on her head!) the thoughts swirling around in her mind would surely have made her dizzy and given her a headache!
She huffed out a breath. She wished Devika was there. She could have spoken to her. She would have understood why all of this was too much.
“Hah” she thought! No she wouldn’t! She was the reason for all of this! Telling her family about the college boy with a crush all those months ago, dragging her to the reunion and pushing her at every stage of her and Anuj’s relationship. Paagal Chokri! If only she had seen her RAVanraj today… she might finally have liked him. She imagined her and Mr Shah dancing around her singing “Kaho na pyaar hai! Kaho na pyaar hai!” and started laughing out loud!
Catching herself a few seconds later… “Ok… Anupama, you have officially LOST IT!” She was going mad. Perhaps it was the hit on the head. It had to be. It had to be. Otherwise how could she think like this. How could she even entertain the idea of being WITH Anuj. Something she had denied, TRUTHFULLY, for so long .
She sniffed as her heart sank. Her eyes glazing over. How? How could she? How could she even imagine being with him? Or anyone. Especially him. He was such an important part of her life. So what if they were “just friends”. There was no “just” about it! He was her friend. That much was sure. She needed him. As a friend. She had him. As a friend. He said he wouldn’t leave her. As a friend.
Friendship. It was safe. Secure. There were lines, and boundaries. No weight of expectations that could either crush her or drown her. Warping her just as before… In her friendship with him she was Far from the possibility of betrayal. Far from the possibility of loosing herself. Far from the possibility of heartbreak. Of losing everything.
Because she couldn’t. She couldn’t lose him. She… she needed him. Even that realisation today as he was treated by the doctors was terrifying. She needed him. Which meant that being without him… was horrifying.
Obviously she didn’t believe anything was wrong with a women like herself finding someone. She knew that if another woman came to her and asked her opinion on starting a new relationship after divorce… She’d say exactly what Mr Shah had said! (And more, because let’s be honest her Bhashaans were better than his!) “Baar mai gayee puri duniya!” You have to take your second chance! Saccha Prem karna kabhi bhi galat nahi hosakta…
She was SO CONFUSED. This was not any other woman. This was her. And her heart. Which had already been broken again and again. Crushed to dust by a man she gave herself to, and a family she gave everything for…
She had barely managed to gather enough of it back together to even call it a heart. It was cracked and bruised and had suffered enough. She was so so scared. Scared that it would happen again. That she would have her trust broken again and lose the one she loved. Again.
Worst of all, she also knew that this was nothing like the last time. Her feelings for Anuj were nothing like the feelings she’d had for Mr Shah. Certainly the feelings Anuj had for her were nothing like the feelings Mr Shah had ever had for her. Even at the beginning. That’s why she was terrified. Losing Anuj would be NOTHING like losing Mr Shah. Not even like losing her family.
“Jese jaan jaariye”. Just the idea of loosing him felt like her very soul was bleeding. She knew that if she stepped into this ocean, it was so deep, that she might loose herself in an instant. Never to be found again.
She blinked and found tears that fell from her eyes. Not just from the terror of losing him, but the sheer depth of the emotions she was experiencing flowed out of her. Shaking herself slightly to climb out of her spiralling mind. She focused in on her hand, still placed on Anuj’s, placed there by Mr Shah of all people! Had the world gone mad?! Tightening her grip slightly, she stared. His hands… Large and steady, but also delicate and gentle. How they had held her since they met. Held her shoe as he bent down to place it back on her feet. Held her arm as she’d tripped multiple times. Held her, as she had slowly stepped out of the carnage of her life to build her own identity. Perhaps, they could also hold her heart?
She took a deep breath. She needed some time. She got up. In need of a walk she decided to run outside for a quick stroll to clear her mind. All of this was a distraction. Mr Shah was once again barking up the wrong tree. Saying unnecessary things. The man was in hospital. For something he did to did to protect her. For no reason. All of this was too much. She just had to focus on his recovery and then her work. Their partnership and friendship. That would be enough for her. With that… she rushed out of the room.
*** show dream sequence***
Jaanum, Dekh Lo Mit Gayi Dooriyan
Main Yahaan Hoon, Yahaan Hoon,
Yahaan Hoon, Yahaan
*** show dream sequence***
Anupamaa staggered back into the hospital room and back by the bedside. Starting at him, expecting him to start singing again - “you truly was going mad Anu” - she reaffirmed.
“Saccha Prem karna kabhi bhi galat nahi hosakta…”.And finally, in the face of all of her doubts and denials. Her fears and regrets. Her heart replied… Aur isse succha prem hohi nahi sakta Anupama”.
She reached out, pulling his hand, turning it over to place between hers… “main ready hoon Anuj. For a second chance”. Finally she could breath.
A few moments later, she found herself Chuckling that this unconscious man had no idea the storm she had just endured, and the new dawn that had just broken in her heart. She placed his hand back on his chest. Feeling pretty pleased with how poetic her entire existential crisis had been “not bad Na? Mr Shayar Kapadia? I am also learning from you” she said out loud. Smiling she rested her head on the bed and drifted away into sleep.
Cricket
Health and Fitness
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