YOU ARE ALWAYS A PARENT FIRST - Page 3

Originally posted by: Sanleema

Bold - I agree with the fact that as a couple they haven’t reached a point of going in different directions, they still have a lot of love between them, they have just drifted apart. The same cannot be said for their parenting though for me, because they are most of the time clueless until the situation has worsened. The fact that the kids aren’t able to share their underlying fears like ayush or insecurities like soha is proof they have failed in creating a safe healthy environment for their kids. As a parent it is our responsibility to assure the kids that they can share anything with us without being judged, which both of them failed to do IMO.

Underlined - I agree with you on the point that not all parents expect that and that parents do sacrifice a lot for their kids and don’t even let them know that. My point was in reference to the kind of compromises they make because of the kids that leads to the expectations, like being in an abusive relationship for a long time or even being in a relationship where they eventually lose their identity as an individual at the cost of the compromise. If not expectations, they at least wish to have some kind of validation or acknowledgment from their kids.

I totally agree on the MIL-DIL equation though. That’s one relationship where bitterness is part of the parcel.

I understand what you are saying. To some extent I do agree that they arent the model parents. They are committing mistakes and those are affecting the kids . But as I replied to someone else over here.....noone is a born parent. You grow up to be parents. You learn from your mistakes . As your child grows ......so do you. Parents are expected to be perfect but they are humans too. And parenting is a tough job.

I would like to say another thing on this too. You know sometimes you may have the most understanding and most receptive and friendly parents but children still keep things to themselves. Its not bcz children are children......their minds work differently than ours. Like here one of the reason Ayush hides it becz he doesnt want the matter to get worse if parents get involved. He is scared the bullying might escalate . There are many instances like this. I remember der was this one time when I was lagging behind in one particular subject in school ( and I wsnt a bad student. ) I ws stuck on a particular chapter and couldnt move ahead. It ws somehow going out of hands . And instead of telling my parents that I ws having a very tough time and ws scared ......I kept hiding it from them. Luckily a teacher rescued me . It was just a coincidence that he asked me abt the chapter and helped me .

Many years later I told my mom abt this and the first thing she asked me why didnt I tell her . I dont know. I just didnt. Probably I felt she would be angry .

What I mean is child's mind is different. Even if you do all things fine.....they will still have a different way of looking at things. ( Not defending Dev and Sona. Just giving a diff perspective)

@ bold : I will still say not every parent do . They may not be a majority but some parents are selfless to that extent that they dont need any validation. Just my opinion.

Originally posted by: DaffodilsNew

I understand what you are saying. To some extent I do agree that they arent the model parents. They are committing mistakes and those are affecting the kids . But as I replied to someone else over here.....noone is a born parent. You grow up to be parents. You learn from your mistakes . As your child grows ......so do you. Parents are expected to be perfect but they are humans too. And parenting is a tough job.

I would like to say another thing on this too. You know sometimes you may have the most understanding and most receptive and friendly parents but children still keep things to themselves. Its not bcz children are children......their minds work differently than ours. Like here one of the reason Ayush hides it becz he doesnt want the matter to get worse if parents get involved. He is scared the bullying might escalate . There are many instances like this. I remember der was this one time when I was lagging behind in one particular subject in school ( and I wsnt a bad student. ) I ws stuck on a particular chapter and couldnt move ahead. It ws somehow going out of hands . And instead of telling my parents that I ws having a very tough time and ws scared ......I kept hiding it from them. Luckily a teacher rescued me . It was just a coincidence that he asked me abt the chapter and helped me .

Many years later I told my mom abt this and the first thing she asked me why didnt I tell her . I dont know. I just didnt. Probably I felt she would be angry .

What I mean is child's mind is different. Even if you do all things fine.....they will still have a different way of looking at things. ( Not defending Dev and Sona. Just giving a diff perspective)

@ bold : I will still say not every parent do . They may not be a majority but some parents are selfless to that extent that they dont need any validation. Just my opinion.

I totally understand your point of view about parenting techniques related to dev and sonakshi. My view was solely based on what we have been shown thus far in the show.

The bolded part, I agree 100% and parenting being a tough job and learning process is a point I wouldn’t contest at all. It’s like you are on a journey in the dark with your kid holding the candle. All you can do is hope that you are going in the right direction, constantly making sure either the candle isn’t dropped or you both don’t fall before you reach the light. I have been a parent for 13 years now and believe me most of those years have been a learning process and I’m still learning. Kids oftentimes are more perceptive, but also blunt in their opinion. Unlike us adults they don’t sugarcoat anything. Though for parents, there’s a constant pressure to always do the right thing, because what you do directly reflects on your kid’s behavior. Also you don’t want to be judged by your kids, because believe me if you still don’t have kids, they judge you. In spite of all this pressure there’s one thing though and that is I have definitely become a better human being since becoming a parent. As you said it’s a growing process for both you and your kids. As much as we nurture our kids, they too nurture us in their own unique ways.

As far as kids not always sharing everything, I get that too. I’m especially now in a stage where I’m constantly stuck between providing the kids with their own privacy and the constant urge to check up on them because of their tender emotional age. As I said I keep swinging the parenting bat in the dark hoping I’m hitting all the right balls.

Your perspective and opinion, I absolutely respect it. We can always agree to disagree when our views don’t match. It was an absolute pleasure debating with you on a very healthy topic, so thank you for the honor😀

Originally posted by: Sanleema

I totally understand your point of view about parenting techniques related to dev and sonakshi. My view was solely based on what we have been shown thus far in the show.

The bolded part, I agree 100% and parenting being a tough job and learning process is a point I wouldn’t contest at all. It’s like you are on a journey in the dark with your kid holding the candle. All you can do is hope that you are going in the right direction, constantly making sure either the candle isn’t dropped or you both don’t fall before you reach the light. I have been a parent for 13 years now and believe me most of those years have been a learning process and I’m still learning. Kids oftentimes are more perceptive, but also blunt in their opinion. Unlike us adults they don’t sugarcoat anything. Though for parents, there’s a constant pressure to always do the right thing, because what you do directly reflects on your kid’s behavior. Also you don’t want to be judged by your kids, because believe me if you still don’t have kids, they judge you. In spite of all this pressure there’s one thing though and that is I have definitely become a better human being since becoming a parent. As you said it’s a growing process for both you and your kids. As much as we nurture our kids, they too nurture us in their own unique ways.

As far as kids not always sharing everything, I get that too. I’m especially now in a stage where I’m constantly stuck between providing the kids with their own privacy and the constant urge to check up on them because of their tender emotional age. As I said I keep swinging the parenting bat in the dark hoping I’m hitting all the right balls.

Your perspective and opinion, I absolutely respect it. We can always agree to disagree when our views don’t match. It was an absolute pleasure debating with you on a very healthy topic, so thank you for the honor😀

Love what you shared abt parenting here. I not a parent but I trust you on whatever insights you shared wid me here. And evem though I hvnt had the experience but I totally understand what you are saying . One can only try their level best to do ryt by their children and yet not know if it will actually be the best decision for them.

Yeah teens are the most delicate to parent. I am sure you will hit all the right balls. You seem so sorted .😊

Absolutely we can agree to disagree. Dont thank me pls😆. I love topics where we can all discuss and debate widout fyting . I love a good healthy discussion where we put our pov and try to undertstand other's pov. Glad we could do dt here. Always a pleasure.

Originally posted by: delena90

I actually disagree a little bit. For two parents to have a healthy parenting relationship, they first need to have a functional inter-personal relationship. Partners need to prioritize each other and their relationship so that when they parent they are on the same page and are able to make decisions together - leaving little room for miscommunication and misunderstandings. Parenting has to be about making decisions and choices that are in the best interest of the child not choosing a child above all else regardless of the consequences.

A child's well-being is paramount, but what kind of parent will one be if the relationship is dysfunctional. I think often, as parents, we think it's a choice between our children or our spouse. I don't think it's an either/or decision. These relationships should hold the most importance in you life and it has to be worked on constantly. We make the mistake of not working on the spousal relationship when kids are in the picture. But a couple needs to prioritize making time for each other (date nights or whatever one chooses), connecting, be intimate (and enjoy it!), and continue to work at maintaining the love and respect.

I love what you've written. It's exactly as it should be though I think it is only possible on paper :P :)

But keeping all collective opinions aside (I am quoting you because I loved what you wrote but also keeping in mind the whole thread that I've read with diverse points of view), I think the show itself has brought out what went wrong with the parenting through the voice of Bijoy Bose. When Ayush returns, Bijoy corners Dev at the door and asks him if Ayush happened to share why he had done such an irresponsible thing and Dev says no. Then Bijoy himself puts it simply and politely by telling Dev that it is the husband and wives marital distances and differences that is affecting the children.

(On the face of this Ayush track, however unnecessary, it looks like he was the one who brought a storm into Devakshi's life but actually the storm could have abated easily if the husband and wife still had that partnership/team work intact from their initial days of reuniting in season 1. When Soha acted out on feeling neglected and Devakshi realised this, how beautifully they worked together to bring her out of her insecurities!).

Gotta applaud Bijoy for putting it across so decently to Dev as if he were leaving it to the couple to introspect on such a sensitive matter (as to parents, it is an especially delicate issue when something is wrong with their child). I was afraid Bijoy was gonna shoot a barrage of taunts at Dev that seems to have distanced them as well- as father (in-law) and son (in-law). But Bijoy, while he might individually taunt Dev especially when there are no grounds for it like it were his favourite pastime(like it seems to be :D), knows where to draw the line unlike Ishwari. When there is an ongoing issue, he only says the bare minimum that he feels he should say as a guide for his children (like in this instance and also when Devakshi are arguing in a Bose bedroom after Sona comes home) and prefers to let the couple sort out their own issues which hasn't changed since season 1(remember Mussoorie ki kasam?).

Coming back from my digression, I completely agree that while children always hide things from their parents, may be because they are scared it can get blown out of proportion with their interference or are afraid to get scolded, the issue pertaining to the show, in Ayush's OWN words, is that he didn't want them to have a fight because of him. That in itself should settle that part of the discussion. Us finding logic or justification when the reason has explicity been bit out by the said character is just pointless.

Parenting failing due to a result of their estrangement IS the issue here. Infact they were better parents to Suhana when they were still separated (but living under the same roof for her sake) than they are now. (Leaving aside the one time Dev brought in his insecurities related to Sona-Jatin and left home without an explanation, even then he came back in the daytime to play with them inbetween.) That parallel where they could still make their daughter feel loved and protected, should itself tell us how things have gone wrong with their parenting at this point. You have a) separated parents and b) you have parents with a healthy marital bond acing parenting(Dev and Sona have shown us both in season 1) compared to this third situation c) which is a complete mess. They are husband and wife with this figurative distance between them and it is not healthy for their children and the home environment in the long run as kids grow up and there will be more complex issues to tackle. It's a proven fact that marriages that are held together for the sake of their children will be prove disastrous to everyone involved. If they have ever been successful, it's mostly probably because the parents are "knowingly" distanced as a couple but physically inhabiting the house with their children like Dev and Sona were at one point-which helps them work better as parents. Maybe best way to check is that they are perhaps sleeping in separate rooms(seen this personally).