Pandya Store|Episode Discussion Thread #9 - Page 102

I am curious to know why anita has come to haveli...she cant be serving suman all the time

Originally posted by: Transference

I have no issues with Shiva and Raavi and the way they are progressing. Shiva, as explained in the previous episodes, is more or less Bairagi which implies his state of aloofness. I am talking about needs vs what they have now.

Regarding joint families, yes, the dynamics are complex, but some are very different from the portrayal here. Rishita and Raavi aren't included in the hug; that's perfectly fine. I don't have an issue with that. I have an issue with them being outsiders in their own relationships especially Rishita.

Same, as of now, I have no problems with ShiVi's relationship. Despite what we would like, it is very believable for these two to have trust issues with each other. Regarding your point in a previous post, about how Shiva didn't care for Raavi's hunger. As much as I wish he did, even that makes sense. Sometimes, people can be very aloof with feelings in general. Tears are something that are very hard to ignore, but other aspects like hunger, craving for something, etc. come with time. He probably was never in a state where he inquired about someone's hunger, so it probably didn't even strike him that he had to ask or worry beyond giving her the money to eat whatever it was she desired. Quite honestly, at least he gave his wife money and told her to eat what she wanted outside, Dev didn't even do that despite being in "love" with Rishita for 2 years.

As for Dev, he continues to be a disappointment. Shiva's characterization has been so strong. The few flaws in his character can be overlooked as it makes sense in the story. However, Dev seems to be wobbly all over. He is a fine brother, but he lacks the basic needs of apologizing. It took him 5 days to realize that he needed to apologize while it took his brothers the same night to apologize to him. He is an alright husband. He knows how to calm down his wife, but he doesn't know one thing about taking care of her needs beyond hugs and kisses. He doesn't know that romance includes non-physical acts as well, such as eating your wife's toast regardless of how you feel about it, or taking the initiative to make sure your wife is well fed. Dev ate whatever Dhara cooked, but did he even stop to ask what Rishita ended up doing? The poor girl stared at the food afterwards...

Originally posted by: Transference

The Curious Case of Badly Raised Men and The two outsiders.

I am not going to go too much into detail about anything else but primarily the stealthiness of the food eating scene while the outsiders Raavi and Rishita stand looking at their respective husbands hogging the food.

This scene was supposed to be funny and cute, but I found it deeply problematic. How?

1. These are men who took vows at the wedding altar. One of the seven vows in marriage is that ‘The man shall provide for the women's food, safety and clothing.’

So, while these men were gobbling foods, where was their exact concern about the respective women in their lives? Apparently, Raavi didn't want to cook, that means she must be hungry too. Why didn't the thought of Raavi being hungry too cross Shiva even for humanity sake. He does take care of her crying, not hurting her etc. Where is the concern now?

2. Gautam didn't even ask once while their brothers ate that whether the women have eaten or not?

People might call this familial bond, but I find it problematic. Marriage is not a transactional bond, but it changes people. Where is the inclusivity of the women in their life?

The men haven't been around women apart from Dhara or Suman, majorly Dhara. Their lives have revolved around her, and that's deeply problematic. They are badly raised not only by Dhara but Gautam too. We all blame Dhara, but Gautam has to take equal responsibility for such overindulgence in a family that these men don't know what an outsider may perhaps mean to them.

Their benchmark of an ideal woman is Dhara, and they want nothing more than her. Apart from physical intimacy, this one woman is a provider and the enabler of all forms of their emotional, social, and comfort needs.

Is this okay?

No, it's profoundly problematic.

How could it have been more different?

Every child has mild oedipal synergies where the mother becomes the object of extreme attachment. As kids grow, they slowly figure out the world and branch out. Mothers who raise their kids adequately, they do the following things:

1. Cutting down on emotional dependency by coaxing them to make friends and letting the male parent assume a friendship deeper than hers.

2. Also, cutting down on the physical dependency by letting them do their chores, stop being the go-to person for every food requirements.

3. Also, teaching them respect for other women who will ultimately enter their lives.

Households that flourish are based on women stepping back from their responsibilities and letting other relationships grow better. In most families where mothers don't step back, the new woman is frustrated; men don't grow up ever, and the women in their lives lead a half-fulfilled life.

Now imagine this scenario where a woman compares her husband constantly with a male parental figure or brother in her life? Won't it be not very pleasant for a man always to try and match up to the standards of a man unrelated to his personality?

A woman has run a household a certain way, let others also breathe and start a world of their own. It's like telling two people that you will have to comply with a new life with you not being the centre of the universe of your husbands.

It's very unfair for these new ones. The women are confined to the needs of the bedroom, and for everything else, you have Dhara. It's bizarre as hell!

I will share this one incident from a family I knew. The FIL told the new bahu that she needs to learn from her MILfor running the family and sacrifice. I still remember the statement of the MIL. ‘I have run my family and lived with my husband in my way. Let her run her family and live with her husband her way now.’

That's what people should do.

SO true!! 💯 Nothing about that scene was cute or funny. It was disturbing to see two adults behave thus but then they are not adults they are man-child especially Dev who fell in love but could not and cannot stand up for his wife!

Originally posted by: Prana1

SO true!! 💯 Nothing about that scene was cute or funny. It was disturbing to see two adults behave thus but then they are not adults they are man-child especially Dev who fell in love but could not and cannot stand up for his wife!

What would you expect from a person who never had the courage to tell his family about the girl he loves

I think you've all said it all. The episode was all Dhara Dhara Dhara...and when you've become a little angry on Dhara it's annoying to watch. I'm actually not as annoyed at Rishita as I thought. I wish Raavi would stand up for herself. She out of all the people doesn't deserve this.

Both Suman and mami are actually very plugged in in their own way. Both knew how to read the situation and the faces of those around. As much as I wouldn't want Dhara to endure what she put others through, however much she might deserve it, Suman turning Dhara's emotional blackmail was a sight to see. I'm rooting for Maha saas to bring down her ridiculous illusion that she's doing right.

On a funny note😆 the camera panned to Raavi’s face as soon as Dhara said, chue to nahi hai Maa, pur teen chaar chipkaliyan hain🤣

Originally posted by: Transference

The Curious Case of Badly Raised Men and The two outsiders.

I am not going to go too much into detail about anything else but primarily the stealthiness of the food eating scene while the outsiders Raavi and Rishita stand looking at their respective husbands hogging the food.

This scene was supposed to be funny and cute, but I found it deeply problematic. How?

1. These are men who took vows at the wedding altar. One of the seven vows in marriage is that ‘The man shall provide for the women's food, safety and clothing.’

So, while these men were gobbling foods, where was their exact concern about the respective women in their lives? Apparently, Raavi didn't want to cook, that means she must be hungry too. Why didn't the thought of Raavi being hungry too cross Shiva even for humanity sake. He does take care of her crying, not hurting her etc. Where is the concern now?

2. Gautam didn't even ask once while their brothers ate that whether the women have eaten or not?

People might call this familial bond, but I find it problematic. Marriage is not a transactional bond, but it changes people. Where is the inclusivity of the women in their life?

The men haven't been around women apart from Dhara or Suman, majorly Dhara. Their lives have revolved around her, and that's deeply problematic. They are badly raised not only by Dhara but Gautam too. We all blame Dhara, but Gautam has to take equal responsibility for such overindulgence in a family that these men don't know what an outsider may perhaps mean to them.

Their benchmark of an ideal woman is Dhara, and they want nothing more than her. Apart from physical intimacy, this one woman is a provider and the enabler of all forms of their emotional, social, and comfort needs.

Is this okay?

No, it's profoundly problematic.

How could it have been more different?

Every child has mild oedipal synergies where the mother becomes the object of extreme attachment. As kids grow, they slowly figure out the world and branch out. Mothers who raise their kids adequately, they do the following things:

1. Cutting down on emotional dependency by coaxing them to make friends and letting the male parent assume a friendship deeper than hers.

2. Also, cutting down on the physical dependency by letting them do their chores, stop being the go-to person for every food requirements.

3. Also, teaching them respect for other women who will ultimately enter their lives.

Households that flourish are based on women stepping back from their responsibilities and letting other relationships grow better. In most families where mothers don't step back, the new woman is frustrated; men don't grow up ever, and the women in their lives lead a half-fulfilled life.

Now imagine this scenario where a woman compares her husband constantly with a male parental figure or brother in her life? Won't it be not very pleasant for a man always to try and match up to the standards of a man unrelated to his personality?

A woman has run a household a certain way, let others also breathe and start a world of their own. It's like telling two people that you will have to comply with a new life with you not being the centre of the universe of your husbands.

It's very unfair for these new ones. The women are confined to the needs of the bedroom, and for everything else, you have Dhara. It's bizarre as hell!

I will share this one incident from a family I knew. The FIL told the new bahu that she needs to learn from her MILfor running the family and sacrifice. I still remember the statement of the MIL. ‘I have run my family and lived with my husband in my way. Let her run her family and live with her husband her way now.’

That's what people should do.

Thank you. Thank you. For saying this.🤗

While in the initial episodes I actually didn't realize many deeper truths in this family, post Dhara Danda Maar there's so many things coming to light for me.

Today's episode actually was the first one where I began thinking about Oedipus complexes in light of it all. These brothers have lived all these years with Suman and Dhara as the only points of contact to the female population as far as I can see. All their emotional needs have been met by Dhara and while that's normal when you are younger, true parenting shines when you let your child find their own footing in the world and it's people and let them discover their own individuality. And it's trickier to do this and find a way to assert your own autonomy in a joint family.

So, today's episode also made me think maybe Dev did this in a way, found a girl he liked, whose opinions are starkly different to his own family values and stepped out of the family shadow. It's now that Rishita is back with him in his home that he doesn't know how to proceed further and is instead stuck somewhere just buffering all the time.

For Shiva I would say, even though he is the biggest Dhara bhabhi worshipper, Raavi has always been orbiting around him just as long, so his struggle is more layered. All in all, that scene of them sneakily eating the food, while amusing to me when I first watched it, felt deeply problematic later and I just felt like they were behaving in this troubling man child way. All three of them actually need to find their own wings in the limited courtyard they have since at this point even some things Rishita said are kinda making sense to me actually.

Originally posted by: ItsmePriya

Twitter is flooding with hate comments for dhara😆

Lovely! 😆

I just hope the writers don't make other characters dumb or unreasonable to create sympathy for her 🤢

Just call her out on her mistakes, make her understand them, regret and ready to change, and things will be fine again!

Originally posted by: raindropsroses

I LOVED how Raavi hides behind Shiva when they meet Dhara outside the room ❤️ Progression is happening however slowly.

I loved that too 😍

Poor Raavi was really scared of dhara's psychotic thrashing it seems.. I loved how she took refuge in Shiva and hit behind him ❤️

Originally posted by: EmeraldPrincess

Rishita🤣🤣

https://www.instagram.com/p/CPKvxGZhwJ7/?utm_medium=copy_link

Come on rishita, do something! 😎🤣

Dev ko dande hi maar do, I'll take it as punishment for messing up with shivi so much 😆