Pallavi's Beloved Baba,
I'm fine. Not that you asked or anything but gauging from your letter I thought it'd do you some good to know. If I had any inkling that my "not entirely unpleasant " departure had caused you so much distress, I would've written sooner.... Steady now, I'm just kidding. I'd have called you instead. That's faster, I suppose.
Your despair about my manners or lack of them and the fact that you're still holding onto my past escapades is pretty heartbreaking. But I too have a vague recollection of the contemptuous look you bore on "friendly visit" to my house. You were just one gun short of looking like an assassin. To be honest, your gall to do that miffed me to no end at that time but now that same look is a constant reminder that she isn't alone out there. She has you. Always had.
When Pallavi came into my life, she didn't came alone, you see. Along with her came her vulnerable yet kind heart, her responsibilities, her insecurities, her dreams, that saree shop and the closest thing I'd ever have to in-laws. And I wanted it all. ( Not the saree shop though, somehow it appeared to everyone that I was behind it, when it was the last thing on my mind).
I wanted everything that came with strings attached to her. Everything that makes her the person she is.
And that included you, dear sir. I know you felt left out when I, how did you put it, bulldozed my way into your lives. No. I didn't bulldozed, it was your daughter who sucked me in, in her world solely by the goodness of her heart. And you felt attacked. The love you felt for your daughter was protective but somehow mine was threatening.
Rage made you see just my vices, not that my whimsical actions helped in any way, more like added gasoline to the flames. Piling damage onto damage.
You assumed things, formed opinions and I let you. But can you blame me? You were more prickly than my middle school headmaster and just the thought of vexing you brought me a cheeky joy. But I should've known better.
Believe me I wasn't born so emotionally indifferent. Neither one day I got up and planned to be like that. Nah.. My experience shaped the man you knew or thought yourself better off not knowing.
After Pallavi crash landed in my life, it took a turn for better. In a world where I was marked and judged for my ways, I glimpsed acceptance in her. A good audience with an easy smile, always ready with a solution, intelligence gleaming in her kind eyes.
Do not fret thinking that your actions drove me away from her. Please, do not agonise yourself, sir. Because, in my humble opinion, not you nor anyone else can ever make me give up on her, now that I've found her.
She's my personal heaven, forever in my dreams but always seemed out of my reach. And when all of a sudden, she was there, devoid of any guile or complexity, I could hardly be faulted for my dogged determination.
The amount of love I feel is borderline unhealthy and the fact that you're the first person I'm confessing my feelings to is plain ridiculous.
But if she missed me as much as you let on in your letter then it is just a matter of time and patience. I'll be there. Soon.
I'm working on myself, every hour, trying to carve out what's rotten even if it is my own flesh. Because I need a new beginning, a better ending and most importantly her.
Cheers...
RR
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